A  FOOL 


MONEY 


CEORG!  BARR 
MSCUTCHPON 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


/v  <• 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 


ED'S  BOOK  SHOP 

Books,  Magazines,  Stationery 
Novefe  and  rreeti  *   ards 

1808  PACIFIC  WENUE 
VENICE,  CALIFORNIA 


BY  THE  SAME  AUTHOR 
GRAUSTARK 
CASTLE  CRANEYCROW 
BREWSTEB'S  MILLIONS 
THE  SHERBODS 
THE  DAY  OF  THE  DOG 
BEVERLY  OF  GRAUSTARK 
THE  PURPLE  PARASOL 
NEDRA 

COWARDICE  COURT 
JANE  CABLE 
THE  FLYERS 

THE  DAUGHTER  OF  ANDERSON 
THE  HUSBANDS   OF  EDITH 
THE  MAN  FROM  BRODNEY'S 
THE  ALTERNATIVE 
TBUXTON  KING 
THE  BUTTEBFLY  MAN 
THE  ROSE  IN  THE  RING 
WH  AT'S-HIS-NA  ME 
MABY  MIDTHORNE 
HER  WEIGHT  IN  GOLD 
THE  HOLLOW  OF  HER  HANDS 
A  FOOL  AND  His  MONEY 


m    -  .        :  -. 

In  the  aperture  stood  my  ama/.ing  neighbor.      (Page  18l) 


AND    HIS   MONEY 


BY    | 
GEORGE    BARR  ^McCUTCHEON 

Author  of  "Graustark,"  "Truxton  King,"  etc. 


With  Illustrations  by 
A.  I.  KELLER 


NEW  YORK 
DODD,  MEAD  AND   COMPANY 

1913 


COPYRIGHT,  191S 
BY  GEORGE  BARR  McCUTCHEON 

Published,  September,  1913 


CONTENTS 


»]  / 


: 


CHAPTER 

I  I  AfAKE  No  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF 

II  I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY 

III  I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY      ... 

IV  I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR 

V  I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL         ... 

VI  I  Discuss  MATRIMONY 

VII  I  RECEIVE  VISITORS 

VIII  I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY 

IX  I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER   .      .      . 

X  I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY    .      .      . 

XI  I  AM  INVITED  TO  LEND  MONEY        .      . 

XII  I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE    . 

XIII  I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED 

XIV  I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO  .      . 
XV  I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT 

XVI  I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE 

XVII  I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS    . 

XVIII  I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST       .. 

XIX  I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES 

XX  I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS 

XXI  SHE  PROPOSES 


PAGE 

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20 

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62 

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103 

121 

137 

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.176 

.191 

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227 

.   250 

269 

.   287 

.   304 

.   324 

341 

357 

371 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

In  the  aperture  stood  my  amazing  neighbour 

(Page   181) Frontitpiece 

PAGE 

I  found  myself  staring  as  if  stupefied  at  the  white  figure 

of  a  woman  who  stood  in  the  topmost  balcony      .      18 

I  sat  bolt  upright  and  yelled:  "Get  out!"      ....      72 
We  faced  each  other  across  the  bowl  of  roses      .      .      .168 

Up  to  that  moment  I  had  wondered  whether  I  could  do 

it  with  my  left  hand 306 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 


ED'S  BOOK  SHOP 

Books,  Magazines,  Stationwy 
Novelties' and  Greeting  Card! 

1808  PACIFIC  AVENUf 
VENICE,  CALIFORNIA 

CHAPTER     I 

I  MAKE   NO   EFFORT   TO   DEFEND   MYSELF 

I  AM  quite  sure  it  was  my  Uncle  Rilas  who  said  that  I 
was  a  fool.  If  memory  serves  me  well  he  relieved  him 
self  of  that  conviction  in  the  presence  of  my  mother 
—  whose  brother  he  was  —  at  a  time  when  I  was  least 
competent  to  acknowledge  his  wisdom  and  most  arro 
gant  in  asserting  my  own.  I  was  a  freshman  in  col 
lege  :  a  fact  —  or  condition,  perhaps, —  which  should 
serve  as  an  excuse  for  both  of  us.  I  possessed  an 
other  uncle,  incidentally,  and  while  I  am  now  con 
vinced  that  he  must  have  felt  as  Uncle  Rilas  did  about 
it,  he  was  one  of  those  who  suffer  in  silence.  The 
nearest  he  ever  got  to  openly  resenting  me  as  a  fresh 
man  was  when  he  admitted,  as  if  it  were  a  crime,  that 
he  too  had  been  in  college  and  knew  less  when  he  came 
out  than  when  he  entered.  Which  was  a  mild  way  of 
putting  it,  I  am  sure,  considering  the  fact  that  he  re 
mained  there  for  twenty-three  years  as  a  distinguished 
member  of  the  faculty. 

I  assume,  therefore,  that  it  was  Uncle  Rilas  who 
orally  convicted  me,  an  assumption  justified  to  some 
extent  by  putting  two  and  two  together  after  the  poor 
old  gentleman  was  laid  away  for  his  long  sleep.  He 
had  been  very  emphatic  in  his  belief  that  a  fool  and 
his  money  are  soon  parted.  Up  to  the  time  of  his 
death  I  had  been  in  no  way  qualified  to  dispute  this 
ancient  theory.  In  theory,  no  doubt,  I  was  the  kind 
of  fool  he  referred  to,  but  in  practice  I  was  quite 
an  untried  novice.  It  is  very  hard  for  even  a  fool  to 


2  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

part  with  something  he  hasn't  got.  True,  I  parted 
with  the  little  I  had  at  college  with  noteworthy  prompt 
ness  about  the  middle  of  each  term,  but  that  could 
hardly  have  been  called  a  fair  test  for  the  adage. 
Not  until  Uncle  Rilas  died  and  left  me  all  of  his  money 
was  I  able  to  demonstrate  that  only  dead  men  and 
fools  part  with  it.  The  distinction  lies  in  the  capacity 
for  enjoyment  while  the  sensation  lasts.  Dead  men 
part  with  it  because  they  have  to,  fools  because  they 
want  to. 

In  any  event,  Uncle  Rilas  did  not  leave  me  his 
money  until  my  freshman  days  were  far  behind  me, 
wherein  lies  the  solace  that  he  may  have  outgrown  an 
opinion  while  I  was  going  through  the  same  process. 
At  twenty-three  I  confessed  that  all  freshmen  were  in 
sufferable,  and  immediately  afterward  took  my  degree 
and  went  out  into  the  world  to  convince  it  that  seniors 
are  by  no  means  adolescent.  Having  successfully 
passed  the  age  of  reason,  I  too  felt  myself  admirably 
qualified  to  look  with  scorn  upon  all  creatures  em 
ployed  in  the  business  of  getting  an  education.  There 
were  times  when  I  wondered  how  on  earth  I  could  have 
stooped  so  low  as  to  be  a  freshman.  I  still  have  the 
disquieting  fear  that  my  uncle  did  not  modify  his 
opinion  of  me  until  I  was  thoroughly  over  being  a 
senior.  You  will  note  that  I  do  not  say  he  changed 
his  opinion.  Modify  is  the  word. 

His  original  estimate  of  me,  as  a  freshman,  of  course, 
—  was  uttered  when  I,  at  the  age  of  eighteen,  picked 
out  my  walk  in  life,  so  to  speak.  After  considering 
everything,  I  decided  to  be  a  literary  man.  A  novelist 
or  a  playwright,  I  hadn't  much  of  a  choice  between  the 
two,  or  perhaps  a  journalist.  Being  a  journalist,  of 
course,  was  preliminary ;  a  sort  of  makeshift.  At  any 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF  3 

rate,  I  was  going  to  be  a  writer.  My  Uncle  Rilas,  a 
hard-headed  customer  who  had  read  Scott  as  a  boy 
and  the  Wall  Street  news  as  a  man, —  without  being 
misled  by  either, —  was  scornful.  He  said  that  I  would 
outgrow  it,  there  was  some  consolation  in  that.  He 
even  admitted  that  when  he  was  seventeen  he  wanted 
to  be  an  actor.  There  you  are,  said  he!  I  declared 
there  was  a  great  difference  between  being  an  actor 
and  being  a  writer.  Only  handsome  men  can  be  actors, 
while  I  —  well,  by  nature  I  was  doomed  to  be  nothing 
more  engaging  than  a  novelist,  who  doesn't  have  to 
spoil  an  illusion  by  showing  himself  in  public. 

Besides,  I  argued,  novelists  make  a  great  deal  of 
money,  and  playwrights  too,  for  that  matter.  He  said 
in  reply  that  an  ordinarily  vigorous  washerwoman 
could  make  more  money  than  the  average  novelist,  and 
she  always  had  a  stocking  without  a  hole  to  keep  it  in, 
which  was  more  to  the  point. 

Now  that  I  come  to  think  of  it,  it  was  Uncle  Rilas 
who  oracularly  prejudged  me,  and  not  Uncle  John, 
who  was  by  way  of  being  a  sort  of  literary  chap  him 
self  and  therefore  lamentably  unqualified  to  guide  me 
in  any  course  whatsoever,  especially  as  he  had  all  he 
could  do  to  keep  his  own  wolf  at  bay  without  encour 
aging  mine,  and  who,  besides  teaching  good  English, 
loved  it  wisely  and  too  well.  I  think  Uncle  Rilas 
would  have  held  Uncle  John  up  to  me  as  an  example, — 
a  scarecrow,  you  might  say, —  if  it  hadn't  been  for 
the  fact  that  he  loved  him  in  spite  of  his  English.  He 
must  have  loved  me  in  spite  of  mine. 

My  mother  felt  in  her  heart  that  I  ought  to  be  a 
doctor  or  a  preacher,  but  she  wasn't  mean:  she  was 
positive  I  could  succeed  as  a  writer  if  I  set  my  mind 
to  it.  She  was  also  sure  that  I  could  be  President 


4  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

of  the  United  States  or  perhaps  even  a  Bishop.  We 
were  Episcopalian. 

When  I  was  twenty-seven  my  first  short  story  ap 
peared  in  a  magazine  of  considerable  weight,  due  to 
its  advertising  pages,  but  my  Uncle  Rilas  didn't  read 
it  until  I  had  convinced  him  that  the  honorarium 
amounted  to  three  hundred  dollars.  Even  then  I  was 
obliged  to  promise  him  a  glimpse  of  the  check  when  I 
got  it.  Somewhat  belated,  it  came  in  the  course  of 
three  or  four  months  with  a  rather  tart  letter  in  which 
I  was  given  to  understand  that  it  wasn't  quite  the 
thing  to  pester  a  great  publishing  house  with  queries 
of  the  kind  I  had  been  so  persistent  in  propounding. 
But  at  last  Uncle  Rilas  saw  the  check  and  was  prop 
erly  impressed.  He  took  back  what  he  said  about  the 
washerwoman,  but  gave  me  a  little  further  advice  con 
cerning  the  stocking. 

In  course  of  time  my  first  novel  appeared.  It  was 
a  love  story.  Uncle  Rilas  read  the  first  five  chapters 
and  then  skipped  over  to  the  last  page.  Then  he 
began  it  all  over  again  and  sat  up  nearly  all  night  to 
finish  it.  The  next  day  he  called  it  "  trash  "  but  in 
vited  me  to  have  luncheon  with  him  at  the  Metropolitan 
Club,  and  rather  noisily  introduced  me  to  a  few  old 
cronies  of  his,  who  were  not  sufficiently  interested  in 
me  to  enquire  what  my  name  was  —  a  trifling  detail 
he  had  overlooked  in  presenting  me  as  his  nephew  — 
but  who  did  ask  me  to  have  a  drink. 

A  month  later,  he  died.  He  left  me  a  fortune,  which 
was  all  the  more  staggering  in  view  of  the  circum 
stance  that  had  seen  me  named  for  my  Uncle  John  and 
not  for  him. 

It  was  not  long  afterward  that  I  made  a.  perfect 
fool  of  myself  by  falling  in  love.  It  turned  out  very 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     5 

badly.  I  can't  imagine  what  got  into  me  to  want  to 
commit  bigamy  after  I  had  already  proclaimed  myself 
to  be  irrevocably  wedded  to  my  profession.  Never 
theless,  I  deliberately  coveted  the  experience,  and 
would  have  attained  to  it  no  doubt  had  it  not  been  for 
the  young  woman  in  the  case.  She  would  have  none 
of  me,  but  with  considerable  independence  of  spirit 
and,  I  must  say,  noteworthy  acumen,  elected  to  wed  a 
splendid  looking  young  fellow  who  clerked  in  a  jewel 
ler's  shop  in  Fifth  Avenue.  They  had  been  engaged 
for  several  years,  it  seems,  and  my  swollen  fortune 
failed  to  disturb  her  sense  of  fidelity.  Perhaps  you 
"will  be  interested  enough  in  a  girl  who  could  refuse 
to  share  a  fortune  of  something  like  three  hundred 
thousand  dollars  —  (not  counting  me,  of  course)  — 
to  let  me  tell  you  briefly  who  and  what  she  was.  She 
was  my  typist.  That  is  to  say,  she  did  piece-work  for 
me  as  I  happened  to  provide  substance  for  her  active 
fingers  to  work  upon  when  she  wasn't  typing  law  briefs 
in  the  regular  sort  of  grind.  Not  only  was  she  an 
able  typist,  but  she  was  an  exceedingly  wholesome, 
handsome  and  worthy  young  woman.  I  think  I  came 
to  like  her  with  genuine  resolution  when  I  discovered 
that  she  could  spell  correctly  and  had  the  additional 
knack  of  uniting  my  stray  infinitives  with  stubborn 
purposefulness,  as  well  as  the  ability  to  administer 
my  grammar  with  tact  and  discretion. 

Unfortunately  she  loved  the  jeweller's  clerk.  She 
tried  to  convince  me,  with  a  sweetness  I  shall  never 
forget,  that  she  was  infinitely  better  suited  to  be  a 
jeweller's  wife  than  to  be  a  weight  upon  the  neck  of 
a  genius.  Moreover,  when  I  foolishly  mentioned  my 
snug  fortune  as  an  extra  inducement,  she  put  me 
smartly  in  my  place  by  remarking  that  fortunes  like 


6  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

wine  are  made  in  a  day  while  really  excellent  jeweller's 
clerks  are  something  like  thirty  years  in  the  making. 
Which,  I  take  it,  was  as  much  as  to  sav  that  there 
is  always  room  for  improvement  in  a  r  ....  I  confess 
I  was  somewhat  disturbed  by  one  of  her  gentlest  re 
marks.  She  seemed  to  be  repeating  my  Uncle  Rilas, 
although  I  am  quite  sure  she  had  never  heard  of  him. 
She  argued  that  the  fortune  might  take  wings  and 
fly  away,  and  then  what  would  be  to  pay !  Of  course, 
it  was  perfectly  clear  to  me,  stupid  as  I  must  have 
been,  that  she  preferred  the  jeweller's  clerk  to  a  for 
tune. 

I  was  loth  to  lose  her  as  a  typist.  The  exact  point 
where  I  appear  to  have  made  a  fool  of  myself  was 
when  I  first  took  it  into  my  head  that  I  could  make 
something  else  of  her.  I  not  only  lost  a  competent 
typist,  but  I  lost  a  great  deal  of  sleep,  and  had  to  go 
abroad  for  awhile,  as  men  do  when  they  find  out  un 
pleasant  things  about  themselves  in  just  that  way. 

I  gave  her  as  a  wedding  present  a  very  costly  and 
magnificent  dining-room  set,  fondly  hoping  that  the 
jeweller's  clerk  would  experience  a  great  deal  of 
trouble  in  living  up  to  it.  At  first  I  had  thought  of 
a  Marie  Antoinette  bedroom  set,  but  gave  it  up  when 
I  contemplated  the  cost. 

If  you  will  pardon  me,  I  shall  not  go  any  further 
into  this  lamentable  love  affair.  I  submit,  in  extenua 
tion,  that  people  do  not  care  to  be  regaled  with  the 
heartaches  of  past  affairs ;  they  are  only  interested 
in  those  which  appear  to  be  in  the  process  of  active 
development  or  retrogression.  Suffice  to  say,  I  was 
terribly  cut  up  over  the  way  my  first  serious  affair  of 
the  heart  turned  out,  and  tried  my  best  to  hate  myself 
for  letting  it  worry  me.  Somehow  I  was  able  to  at- 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF  7 

tribute  the  fiasco  to  an  inborn  sense  of  shyness  that 
has  always  made  me  faint-hearted,  dilatory  and  un- 
aggressiv^-  No  doubt  if  I  had  gone  about  it  rough 
shod  and''fi"^y  I  could  have  played  hob  with  the 
excellent  jeweller's  peace  of  mind,  to  say  the  least,  but 
alas !  I  succeeded  only  in  approaching  at  a  time  when 
there  was  nothing  left  for  me  to  do  but  to  start  him 
off  in  life  with  a  mild  handicap  in  the  shape  of  a 
dining-room  set  that  would  not  go  with  anything  else 
he  had  in  the  apartment. 

Still,  some  men,  no  matter  how  shy  and  procrasti 
nating  they  may  be  —  or  reluctant,  for  that  matter  — 
are  doomed  to  have  love  affairs  thrust  upon  them,  as 
you  will  perceive  if  you  follow  the  course  of  this  nar 
rative  to  the  bitter  end. 

In  order  that  you  may  know  me  when  you  see  me 
struggling  through  these  pages,  as  one  might  struggle 
through  a  morass  on  a  dark  night,  I  shall  take  the 
liberty  of  describing  myself  in  the  best  light  possible 
under  the  circumstances. 

I  am  a  tallish  sort  of  person,  moderately  homely, 
and  not  quite  thirty-five.  I  am  strong  but  not  athletic. 
Whatever  physical  development  I  possess  was  acquired 
through  the  ancient  and  honourable  game  of  golf  and 
in  swimming.  In  both  of  these  sports  I  am  quite 
proficient.  My  nose  is  rather  long  and  inquisitive, 
and  my  chin  is  considered  to  be  singularly  firm  for 
one  who  has  no  ambition  to  become  a  hero.  My  thatch 
is  abundant  and  quite  black.  I  understand  that  my 
eyes  are  green  when  I  affect  a  green  tie,  light  blue  when 
I  put  on  one  of  that  delicate  hue,  and  curiously  yellow 
when  I  wear  brown  about  my  neck.  Not  that  I  really 
need  them,  but  I  wear  nose  glasses  when  reading:  to 
s/ive  my  eyes,  of  course.  I  sometimes  wear  them  in 


8  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

public,  with  a  very  fetching  and  imposing  black  band 
draping  across  my  expanse  of  shirt  front.  I  find  this 
to  be  most  effective  when  sitting  in  a  box  at  the  theatre. 
My  tailor  is  a  good  one.  I  shave  myself  clean  with  an 
old-fashioned  razor  and  find  it  to  be  quite  safe  and 
tractable.  My  habits  are  considered  rather  good,  and 
I  sang  bass  in  the  glee  club.  So  there  you  are.  Not 
quite  what  you  would  call  a  lady  killer,  or  even  a 
lady's  man,  I  fancy  you'll  say. 

You  will  be  surprised  to  learn,  however,  that  secretly 
I  am  of  a  rather  romantic,  imaginative  turn  of  mind. 
Since  earliest  childhood  I  have  consorted  with  prin 
cesses  and  ladies  of  high  degree, —  mentally,  of 
course, —  and  my  bosom  companions  have  been  knights 
of  valour  and  longevity.  Nothing  could  have  suited 
me  better  than  to  have  been  born  in  a  feudal  castle  a 
few  centuries  ago,  from  which  I  should  have  sallied 
forth  in  full  armour  on  the  slightest  provocation  and 
returned  in  glory  when  there  was  no  one  left  in  the 
neighbourhood  to  provoke  me. 

Even  now,  as  I  make  this  astounding  statement,  I 
can't  help  thinking  of  that  confounded  jeweller's  clerk. 

At  thirty-five  I  am  still  unattached  and,  so  far  as 
I  can  tell,  unloved.  What  more  could  a  sensible,  ex 
perienced  bachelor  expect  than  that?  Unless,  of 
course,  he  aspired  to  be  a  monk  or  a  hermit,  in  which 
case  he  reasonably  could  l?e  sure  of  himself  if  not  of 
others. 

Last  winter  in  London  my  mother  went  to  a  good  bit 
of  trouble  to  set  my  cap  for  a  lady  who  seemed  in  every 
way  qualified  to  look  after  an  only  son  as  he  should  be 
looked  after  from  a  mother's  point  of  view,  and  I  de 
clare  to  you  I  had  a  wretchedly  close  call  of  it.  My 
poor  mother,  thinking  it  was  quite  settled,  sailed  for 


America,  leaving  me  entirely  unprotected,  whereupon 
I  succeeded  in  making  my  escape.  Heaven  knows  I 
had  no  desperate  longing  to  visit  Palestine  at  that 
particular  time,  but  I  journeyed  thither  without  a 
qualm  of  regret,  and  thereby  avoided  the  surrender 
without  love  or  honour. 

For  the  past  year  I  have  done  little  or  no  work. 
My  books  are  few  and  far  between,  so  few  in  fact  that 
more  than  once  I  have  felt  the  sting  of  dilettantism 
inflicting  my  labours  with  more  or  less  increasing 
sharpness.  It  is  not  for  me  to  say  that  I  despise  a 
fortune,  but  I  am  constrained  to  remark  that  I  believe 
poverty  would  have  been  a  fairer  friend  to  me.  At 
any  rate  I  now  pamper  myself  to  an  unreasonable  ex 
tent.  For  one  thing,  I  feel  that  I  cannot  work, —  much 
less  think,' —  when  opposed  by  distracting  conditions 
such  as  women,  tea,  disputes  over  luggage,  and  things 
of  that  sort.  They  subdue  all  the  romantic  tendencies 
I  am  so  parsimonious  about  wasting.  My  best  work 
is  done  when  the  madding  crowd  is  far  from  me. 
Hence  I  seek  out  remote,  obscure  places  when  I  feel 
the  plot  boiling,  and  grind  away  for  dear  life  with 
nothing  to  distract  me  save  an  unconquerable  habit 
acquired  very  early  in  life  which  urges  me  to  eat  three 
meals  a  day  and  to  sleep  nine  hours  out  of  twenty- 
four. 

A  month  ago,  in  Vienna,  I  felt  the  plot  breaking 
out  on  me,  very  much  as  the  measles  do,  at  a  most 
inopportune  time  for  everybody  concerned,  and  my 
secretary,  more  wide-awake  than  you'd  imagine  by 
looking  at  him,  urged  me  to  coddle  the  muse  while 
she  was  willing  and  not  to  put  her  off  till  an  evil  day, 
as  frequently  I  am  in  the  habit  of  doing. 

It  was  especially  annoying,  coming  as  it  did,  just 


10  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

as  I  was  about  to  set  off  for  a  fortnight's  motor-boat 
trip  up  the  Danube  with  Elsie  Hazzard  and  her  stupid 
husband,  the  doctor.  I  compromised  with  myself  by 
deciding  to  give  them  a  week  of  my  dreamy  company, 
and  then  dash  off  to  England  where  I  could  work  off 
the  story  in  a  sequestered  village  I  had  had  in  mind 
for  some  time  past. 

The  fourth  day  of  our  delectable  excursion  brought 
us  to  an  ancient  town  whose  name  you  would  recall 
in  an  instant  if  I  were  fool  enough  to  mention  it,  and 
where  we  were  to  put  up  for  the  night.  On  the  crest 
of  a  stupendous  crag  overhanging  the  river,  almost 
opposite  the  town,  which  isn't  far  from  Krems,  stood 
the  venerable  but  unvenerated  castle  of  that  high 
handed  old  robber  baron,  the  first  of  the  Rothhoefens. 
He  has  been  in  his  sarcophagus  these  six  centuries,  I 
am  advised,  \  but  you  wouldn't  think  so  to  look  at  the 
stronghold.  At  a  glance  you  can  almost  convince 
yourself  that  he  is  still  there,  with  battle-axe  and 
broad-sword,  and  an  inflamed  eye  at  every  window  in 
the  grim  fa£ade. 

We  picked  up  a  little  of  its  history  while  in  the 
town,  and  the  next  morning  crossed  over  to  visit  the 
place.  Its  antiquity  was  considerably  enhanced  by 
the  presence  of  a  caretaker  who  would  never  see  eighty 
again,  and  whose  wife  was  even  older.  Their  two  sons 
lived  with  them  in  the  capacity  of  loafers  and,  as 
things  go  in  these  rapid  times  of  ours,  appeared  to  be 
even  older  and  more  sere  than  their  parents. 

It  is  a  winding  and  tortuous  road  that  leads  up  to 
the  portals  of  this  huge  old  pile,  and  I  couldn't  help 
thinking  how  stupid  I  have  always  been  in  execrating 
the  spirit  of  progress  that  conceives  the  funicular 
and  rack-and-pinion  railroads  which  serve  to  com- 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     11 

mercialise  grandeur  instead  of  protecting  it.  Half 
way  up  the  hill,  we  paused  to  rest,  and  I  quite  clearly 
remember  growling  that  if  the  confounded  thing  be 
longed  to  me  I'd  build  a  funicular  or  install  an  elevator 
without  delay.  Poor  Elsie  was  too  fatigued  to  say 
what  she  ought  to  have  said  to  me  for  suggesting  and 
even  insisting  on  the  visit. 

The  next  day,  instead  of  continuing  our  delightful 
trip  down  the  river,  we  three  were  scurrying  to  Saals- 
burg,  urged  by  a  sudden  and  stupendous  whim  on  my 
part,  and  filled  with  a  new  interest  in  life. 

I  had  made  up  my  mind  to  buy  the  castle! 

The  Hazzards  sat  up  with  me  nearly  the  whole  of 
the  night,  trying  to  talk  me  out  of  the  mad  design,  but 
all  to  no  purpose.  I  was  determined  to  be  the  sort 
of  fool  that  Uncle  Rilas  referred  to  when  he  so  fre 
quently  quoted  the  old  adage.  My  only  argument  in 
reply  to  their  entreaties  was  that  I  had  to  have  a 
quiet,  inspirational  place  in  which  to  work  and  besides 
I  was  quite  sure  we  could  beat  the  impoverished  owner 
down  considerably  in  the  price,  whatever  it  might  turn 
out  to  be.  While  the  ancient  caretaker  admitted  that 
it  was  for  sale,  he  couldn't  give  me  the  faintest  notion 
what  it  was  expected  to  bring,  except  that  it  ought 
to  bring  more  from  an  American  than  from  any  one 
else,  and  that  he  would  be  proud  and  happy  to  remain 
in  my  service,  he  and  his  wife  and  his  prodigiously 
capable  sons,  either  of  whom  if  put  to  the  test  could 
break  all  the  bones  in  a  bullock  without  half  trying- 
Moreover,  for  such  strong  men,  they  ate  very  little 
and  seldom  slept,  they  were  so  eager  to  slave  in  the 
interests  of  the  master.  We  all  agreed  that  they 
looked  strong  enough,  but  as  they  were  sleeping  with 
some  intensity  all  the  time  we  were  there,  and  making 


12  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

dreadful  noises  in  the  courtyard,  we  could  only  infer 
that  they  were  making  up  for  at  least  a  week  of  in 
somnia. 

I  had  no  difficulty  whatever  in  striking  a  bargain 
with  the  abandoned  wretch  who  owned  the  Schloss. 
He  seemed  very  eager  to  submit  to  my  demand  that 
he  knock  off  a  thousand  pounds  sterling,  and  we  hunted 
up  a  notary  and  all  the  other  officials  necessary  to  the 
transfer  of  property.  At  the  end  of  three  days,  I 
was  the  sole  owner  and  proprietor  of  a  feudal  strong 
hold  on  the  Danube,  and  the  joyous  Austrian  was  a 
little  farther  on  his  way  to  the  dogs,  a  journey  he  had 
been  negotiating  with  great  ardour  ever  since  coming 
into  possession  of  an  estate  once  valued  at  several  mil 
lions.  I  am  quite  sure  I  have  never  seen  a  spendthrift 
with  more  energy  than  this  fellow  seems  to  have  dis 
played  in  going  through  with  his  patrimony.  He  was 
on  his  uppers,  so  to  speak,  when  I  came  to  his  rescue, 
solely  because  he  couldn't  find  a  purchaser  or  a  tenant 
for  the  castle,  try  as  he  would.  Afterwards  I  heard 
that  he  had  offered  the  place  to  a  syndicate  of  Jews 
for  one-third  the  price  I  paid,  but  luckily  for  me  the 
Hebraic  instinct  was  not  so  keen  as  mine.  They  let 
a  very  good  bargain  get  away  from  them.  I  have  not 
told  my  most  intimate  friends  what  I  paid  for  the 
castle,  but  they  are  all  generous  enough  to  admit  that 
I  could  afford  it,  no  matter  what  it  cost  me.  Their 
generosity  stops  there,  however.  I  have  never  had  so 
many  unkind  things  said  to  me  in  all  my  life  as  have 
been  said  about  this  purely  personal  matter. 

Well,  to  make  the  story  short,  the  Hazzards  and 
I  returned  to  Schloss  Rothhoefen  in  some  haste,  pri 
marily  for  the  purpose  of  inspecting  it  from  dungeon 
to  battlement.  I  forgot  to  mention  that,  being  very 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     13 

tired  after  the  climb  up  the  steep,  we  got  no  further 
on  our  first  visit  than  the  great  baronial  hall,  the 
dining-room  and  certain  other  impressive  apartments 
customarily  kept  open  for  the  inspection  of  visitors. 
An  interesting  concession  on  the  part  of  the  late  owner 
(the  gentleman  hurrying  to  catch  up  with  the  dogs 
that  had  got  a  bit  of  a  start  on  him), —  may  here  be 
mentioned.  He  included  all  of  the  contents  of  the 
castle  for  the  price  paid,  and  the  deed,  or  whatever 
you  call  it,  specifically  set  forth  that  I,  John  Bellamy 
Smart,  was  the  sole  and  undisputed  owner  of  every 
thing  the  castle  held.  This  made  the  bargain  all  the 
more  desirable,  for  I  have  never  seen  a  more  beautiful 
assortment  of  antique  furniture  and  tapestry  in  Fourth 
Avenue  than  was  to  be  found  in  Schloss  Rothhoefen. 

Our  second  and  more  critical  survey  of  the  lower 
floors  of  the  castle  revealed  rather  urgent  necessity 
for  extensive  repairs  and  refurbishing,  but  I  was  not 
dismayed.  With  a  blithesome  disregard  for  expenses, 
I  despatched  Rudolph,  the  elder  of  the  two  sons  to 
Linz  with  instructions  to  procure  artisans  who  could 
be  depended  upon  to  undo  the  ravages  of  time  to  a 
certain  extent  and  who  might  even  suggest  a  remedy 
for  leaks. 

My  friends,  abhorring  rheumatism  and  like  com 
plaints,  refused  to  sleep  over  night  in  the  drafty, 
almost  paneless  structure.  They  came  over  to  see  me 
on  the  ensuing  day  and  begged  me  to  return  to  Vienna 
with  them.  But,  full  of  the  project  in  hand,  I  would 
not  be  moved.  With  the  house  full  of  carpenters, 
blacksmiths,  masons,  locksmiths,  tinsmiths,  plumbers, 
plasterers,  glaziers,  joiners,  scrub-women  and  chimney 
sweeps,  I  felt  that  I  couldn't  go  away  and  leave  it 
without  a  controlling  influence. 


14  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

They  promised  to  come  and  make  me  a  nice  short 
visit,  however,  after  I'd  got  the  castle  primped  up  a 
bit:  the  mould  off  the  walls  of  the  bedrooms  and  the 
great  fireplaces  thoroughly  cleared  of  obstructive 
swallows'  nests,  the  beds  aired  and  the  larder  stocked. 
Just  as  they  were  leaving,  my  secretary  and  my  valet 
put  in  an  appearance,  having  been  summoned  from 
Vienna  the  day  before.  I  confess  I  was  glad  to  see 
them.  The  thought  of  spending  a  second  night  in 
that  limitless  bed-chamber,  with  all  manner  of  night- 
birds  trying  to  get  in  at  the  windows,  was  rather 
disturbing,  and  I  welcomed  my  retainers  with  open 
arms. 

My  first  night  had  been  spent  in  a  huge  old  bed, 
carefully  prepared  for  occupancy  by  Herr  Schmick's 
f rau ;  and  the  hours,  which  never  were  so  dark,  in  try 
ing  to  fathom  the  infinite  space  that  reached  above  me 
to  the  vaulted  ceiling.  I  knew  there  was  a  ceiling,  for 
I  had  seen  its  beams  during  the  daylight  hours,  but  to 
save  my  soul  I  couldn't  imagine  anything  so  far  away 
as  it  seemed  to  be  after  the  candles  had  been  taken 
away  by  the  caretaker's  wife,  who  had  tucked  me  away 
in  the  bed  with  ample  propriety  and  thoroughness 
combined. 

Twice  during  that  interminable  night  I  thought  I 
heard  a  baby  crying.  So  it  is  not  unreasonable  to 
suppose  that  I  was  more  than  glad  to  see  Poopendyke 
clambering  up  the  path  with  his  typewriter  in  one  hand 
and  his  green  baise  bag  in  the  other,  followed  close 
behind  by  Britton  and  the  Gargantuan  brothers  bear 
ing  trunks,  bags,  boxes  and  my  golf  clubs. 

"  Whew !  "  said  Poopendyke,  dropping  wearily  upon 
my  doorstep  —  which,  by  the  way,  happens  to  be  a 
rough  hewn  slab  some  ten  feet  square  surmounted  by 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     15 

a  portcullis  that  has  every  intention  of  falling  down 
unexpectedly  one  of  these  days  and  creating  an  earth 
quake.  "  Whew !  "  he  repeated. 

My  secretary  is  a  youngish  man  with  thin,  stooping 
shoulders  and  a  habit  of  perpetually  rubbing  his  knees 
together  when  he  walks.  I  shudder  to  think  of  what 
would  happen  to  them  if  he  undertook  to  run.  I  could 
not  resist  a  glance  at  them  now. 

"  It  is  something  of  a  climb,  isn't  it?  "  said  I  beam 
ingly. 

"  In  the  name  of  heaven,  Mr.  Smart,  what  could 
have  induced  you  to  — "  He  got  no  farther  than  this, 
and  to  my  certain  knowledge  this  unfinished  reproof 
was  the  nearest  he  ever  came  to  openly  convicting  me 
of  asininity. 

"  Make  yourself  at  home,  old  fellow,"  said  I  in  some 
haste.  I  felt  sorry  for  him.  "  We  are  going  to  be 
very  cosy  here." 

"  Cosy  ?  "  murmured  he,  blinking  as  he  looked  up, 
not  at  me  but  at  the  frowning  walls  that  seemed  to 
penetrate  the  sky. 

"  I  haven't  explored  those  upper  regions,"  I  ex 
plained  nervously,  divining  his  thoughts.  "  We  shall 
do  it  together,  in  a  day  or  two." 

"  It  looks  as  though  it  might  fall  down  if  we  jostled 
it  carelessly,"  he  remarked,  having  recovered  his 
breath. 

"  I  am  expecting  masons  at  any  minute,"  said  I, 
contemplating  the  unstable  stone  crest  of  the  north 
east  turret  with  some  uneasiness.  My  face  bright 
ened  suddenly.  "  That  particular  section  of  the  castle 
is  uninhabitable,  I  am  told.  It  really  doesn't  matter 
if  it  collapses.  Ah,  Britton!  Here  you  are,  I  see. 
Good  morning." 


16 

Britton,  a  very  exacting  servant,  looked  me  over 
critically. 

"  Your  coat  and  trousers  need  pressing,  sir,"  said 
he.  "  And  where  am  I  to  get  the  hot  water  for  shav 
ing,  sir?  " 

"  Frau  Schmick  will  supply  anything  you  need,  Brit- 
ton,"  said  I,  happy  on  being  able  to  give  the  informa 
tion. 

"  It  is  not  I  as  needs  it,  sir,"  said  he,  feeling  of  his 
smoothly  shaven  chin. 

"  Come  in  and  have  -a  look  about  the  place,"  said  I, 
with  a  magnificent  sweep  of  my  arm  to  counteract 
the  feeling  of  utter  insignificance  I  was  experiencing 
at  the  moment.  I  could  see  that  my  faithful  retinue 
held  me  in  secret  but  polite  disdain. 

A  day  or  two  later  the  castle  was  swarming  with 
workmen ;  the  banging  of  hammers,  the  rasp  of  saws, 
the  spattering  of  mfcrtar,  the  crashing  of  stone  and 
the  fumes  of  charcoal  crucibles  extended  to  the  re 
motest  recesses;  the  tower  of  Babel  was  being  recon 
structed  in  the  language  of  six  or  eight  nations,  and 
everybody  was  happy.  I  had  no  idea  there  were  so 
many  tinsmiths  in  the  world.  Every  artisan  in  the 
town  across  the  river  seems  to  have  felt  it  his  duty  to 
come  over  and  help  the  men  from  Linz  in  the  enter 
prise.  There  were  so  many  of  them  that  they  were 
constantly  getting  in  each  other's  way  and  quarrelling 
over  matters  of  jurisdiction  with  even  more  spirit  than 
we  might  expect  to  encounter  among  the  labour  unions 
at  home. 

Poopendyke,  in  great  distress  of  mind,  notified  me 
on  the  fourth  day  of  rehabilitation  that  the  cost  of 
labour  as  well  as  living  had  gone  up  appreciably  since 
our  installation.  In  fact  it  had  doubled.  He  paid 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     17 

all  of  my  bills,  so  I  suppose  he  knew  what  he  was  talk 
ing  about. 

"  You  will  be  surprised  to  know,  Mr.  Smart,"  he 
said,  consulting  his  sheets,  "  that  scrub-women  are  get 
ting  more  here  than  they  do  in  New  York  City,  and 
I  am  convinced  that  there  are  more  scrub-women.  To 
day  we  had  thirty  new  ones  scrubbing  the  loggia  on 
the  gun-room  floor,  and  they  all  seem  to  have  ap 
prentices  working  under  them.  The  carpenters  and 
plasterers  were  not  so  numerous  to-day.  I  paid  them 
off  last  night,  you  see.  It  may  interest  you  to  hear 
that  their  wages  for  three  days  amounted  to  nearly 
seven  hundred  dollars  in  our  money,  to  say  nothing  of 
materials  — •  and  breakage." 

"  Breakage?  "   I   exclaimed  in  surprise. 

"  Yes,  sir,  breakage.  They  break  nearly  as  much 
as  they  mend.  We'll  —  we'll  go  bankrupt,  sir,  if  we're 
not  careful." 

I  liked  his  pronoun.  "  Never  mind,"  I  said,  "  we'll 
soon  be  rid  of  them." 

"  They've  got  it  in  their  heads,  sir,  that  it  will  take 
at  least  a  year  to  finish  the « — " 

"You  tell  the  foremen  that  if  this  job  isn't  finished 
to  our  satisfaction  by  the  end  of  the  month,  I'll  fire 
all  of  them,"  said  I,  wrathfully. 

"  That's  less  than  three  weeks  off,  Mr.  Smart. 
They  don't  seem  to  be  making  much  headway." 

"  Well,  you  tell  'em,  just  the  same."  And  that  is 
how  I  dismissed  it.  "  Tell  'em  we've  got  to  go  to  work 
ourselves." 

"  By  the  way,  old  man  Schmick  and  his  family 
haven't  been  paid  for  nearly  two  years.  They  have 
put  in  a  claim.  The  late  owner  assured  them  they'd 
get  their  money  from  the  next  — " 


18  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Discharge  them  at  once,"  said  I. 

"  We  can't  get  on  without  them,"  protested  he. 
"  They  know  the  ropes,  so  to  speak,  and,  what's  more 
to  the  point,  they  know  all  the  keys.  Yesterday  I 
was  nearly  two  hours  in  getting  to  the  kitchen  for  a 
conference  with  Mrs.  Schmick  about  the  market-men. 
In  the  first  place,  I  couldn't  find  the  way,  and  in  the 
second  place  all  the  doors  are  locked." 

"  Please  send  Herr  Schmick  to  me  in  the  —  in 
the — "  I  couldn't  recall  the  name  of  the  administra 
tion  chamber  at  the  head  of  the  grand  staircase,  so 
I  was  compelled  to  say :  "  I'll  see  him  here." 

"  If  we  lose  them  we  also  are  lost,"  was  his  sen 
tentious  declaration.  I  believed  him. 

On  the  fifth  day  of  our  occupancy,  Britton  reported 
to  me  that  he  had  devised  a  plan  by  which  we  could 
utilise  the  tremendous  horse-power  represented  by  the 
muscles  of  those  lazy  giants,  Rudolph  and  Max.  He 
suggested  that  we  rig  up  a  huge  windlass  at  the  top 
of  the  incline,  with  stout  steel  cables  attached  to  a 
small  car  which  could  be  hauled  up  the  cliff  by  a  hith 
erto  wasted  human  energy,  and  as  readily  lowered. 
It  sounded  feasible  and  I  instructed  him  to  have  the 
extraordinary  railway  built,  but  to  be  sure  that  the 
safety  device  clutches  in  the  cog  wheels  were  sound  and 
trusty.  It  would  prove  to  be  an  infinitely  more  grace 
ful  mode  of  ascending  the  peak  than  riding  up  on  the 
donkeys  I  had  been  persuaded  to  buy,  especially  for 
Poopendyke  and  me,  whose  legs  were  so  long  that  when 
we  sat  in  the  saddles  our  knees  either  touched  our 
chins  or  were  spread  out  so  far  that  we  resembled  the 
Prussian  coat-of-arms. 

That  evening,  after  the  workmen  had  filed  down  the 
steep  looking  for  all  the  world  like  an  evacuating  army, 


I  found  myself  staring  as  if  stupefied  at  the  white  figure  of 
a  woman  who  stood  in  the  topmost  balcony 


I  MAKE  NO  EFFORT  TO  DEFEND  MYSELF     19 

I  sought  a  few  moments  of  peace  and  quiet  in  the 
small  balcony  outside  my  bedroom  windows.  My  room 
was  in  the  western  wing  of  the  castle,  facing  the  river. 
The  eastern  wing  mounted  even  higher  than  the  one 
in  which  we  were  living,  and  was  topped  by  the  loftiest 
watch  tower  of  them  all.  We  had  not  attempted  to 
do  any  work  over  in  that  section  as  yet,  for  the  simple 
reason  that  Herr  Schmick  couldn't  find  the  keys  to 
the  doors. 

The  sun  was  disappearing  beyond  the  highlands  and 
a  cool,  soft  breeze  swept  up  through  the  valley.  I 
leaned  back  in  a  comfortable  chair  that  Britton  hacf 
selected  for  me,  and  puffed  at  my  pipe,  not  quite  sure 
that  my  serenity  was  real  or  assumed.  This  was  all 
costing  me  a  pretty  penny.  Was  I,  after  all,  parting 
with  my  money  in  the  way  prescribed  for  fools?  Was 
all  this  splendid  antiquity  worth  the  — 

My  reflections  terminated  sharply  at  that  critical 
instant  and  I  don't  believe  I  ever  felt  called  upon  after 
that  to  complete  the  inquiry. 

I  found  myself  staring  as  if  stupefied  at  the  white 
figure  of  a  woman  who  stood  in  the  topmost  balcony  of 
the  eastern  wing,  fully  revealed  by  the  last  glow  of 
the  sun  and  apparently  as  deep  in  dreams  as  I  had 
been  the  instant  before. 


CHAPTER     II 

I    DEFEND    MY    PROPERTY 

FOR  ten  minutes  I  stood  there  staring  up  at  her,  com 
pletely  bewildered  and  not  a  little  shaken.  My  first 
thought  had  been  of  ghosts,  but  it  was  almost  in 
stantly  dispelled  by  a  significant  action  on  the  part  of 
the  suspected  wraith.  She  turned  to  whistle  over  her 
shoulder,  and  to  snap  her  fingers  peremptorily,  and 
then  she  stooped  and  picked  up  a  rather  lusty  chow 
dog  which  promptly  barked  at  me  across  the  inter 
vening  space,  having  discovered  me  almost  at  once 
although  I  was  many  rods  away  and  quite  snugly  en 
sconced  among  the  shadows.  The  lady  in  white 
muzzled  him  with  her  hand  and  I  could  almost  im 
agine  I  heard  her  reproving  whispers.  After  a  few 
minutes,  she  apparently  forgot  the  dog  and  lifted 
her  hand  to  adjust  something  in  her  hair.  He  again 
barked  at  me,  quite  ferociously  for  a  chow.  This 
time  it  was  quite  plain  to  her  that  he  was  not  bark 
ing  at  the  now  shadowy  moon.  She  peered  over  the 
stone  balustrade  and  an  instant  later  disappeared  from 
view  through  the  high,  narrow  window. 

Vastly  exercised,  I  set  out  in  quest  of  Herr  Schmick, 
martialing  Poopendyke  as  I  went  along,  realising  that 
I  would  have  to  depend  on  his  German,  which  was  less 
halting  than  mine  arid  therefore,  more  likely  to  dove 
tail  with  that  of  the  Schmicks,  neither  of  whom  spoke 
German  because  they  loved  it  but  because  they  had  to, 
—  being  Austrian^.  We  found  the  four  Schmicks  in 

the  vast  kitchen,  watching  Britton  while  he  pressed  my 

20 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  21 

trousers  on  an  oak  table  so  large  that  the  castle  must 
have  been  built  around  it. 

Herr  Schmick  was  weighted  down  with  the  keys  of 
the  castle,  which  never  left  his  possession  day  or 
night. 

"  Herr  Schmick,"  said  I,  "  will  you  be  so  good  as 
to  inform  me  who  the  dickens  that  woman  is  over  in 
the  east  wing  of  the  castle?  " 

"  Woman,  mein  herr? "  He  almost  dropped  his 
keys.  His  big  sons  said  something  to  each  other  that 
I  couldn't  quite  catch,  but  it  sounded  very  much  like 
«  der  duyvil." 

"  A  woman  in  a  white  dress, —  with  a  dog." 

"  A  dog?  "  he  cried.  "  But,  mein  herr,  dogs  are  not 
permitted  to  be  in  the  castle." 

"Who  is  she?     How  did  she  get  there?" 

"  Heaven  defend  us,  sir !  It  must  have  been  the 
ghost  of — " 

"  Ghost,  your  granny !  "  I  cried,  relapsing  into  Eng 
lish.  "  Please  don't  beat  about  the  bush,  Mr.  Schmick. 
She's  over  there  in  the  unused  wing,  which  I  haven't 
been  allowed  to  penetrate  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  it 
belongs  to  me.  You  say  you  can't  find  the  keys  to 
that  side  of  the  castle.  Will  you  explain  how  it  is 
that  it  is  open  to  strange  women  and  —  and  dogs  ?  " 

"  You  must  be  mistaken,  mein  herr,"  he  whined  ab 
jectly.  "She  cannot  be  there.  She —  Ah,  I  have 
it!  It  may  have  been  my  wife.  Gretel!  Have  you 
been  in  the  east  — " 

"  Nonsense ! "  I  cried  sharply.  "  This  won't  do, 
Mr.  Schmick.  Give  ine  that  bunch  of  keys.  We'll 
investigate.  I  can't  have  strange  women  gallivanting 
about  the  place  as  if  they  owned  it.  This  is  no  tryst- 
ing  place  for  Juliets,  Herr  Schmick.  We'll  get  to 


22  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

the  bottom  of  this  at  once.  Here,  you  Rudolph,  fetch 
a  couple  of  lanterns.  Max,  get  a  sledge  or  two  from 
the  forge.  There  is  a  forge.  I  saw  it  yesterday  out 
there  back  of  the  stables.  So  don't  try  to  tell  me 
there  isn't  one.  If  we  can't  unlock  the  doors,  we'll 
smash  'em  in.  They're  mine,  and  I'll  knock  'em  to 
smithereens  if  I  feel  like  it." 

The  four  Schmicks  wrung  their  hands  and  shook 
their  heads  and,  then,  repairing  to  the  scullery,  growled 
and  grumbled  for  fully  ten  minutes  before  deciding 
to  obey  my  commands.  In  the  meantime,  I  related 
my  experience  to  Poopendyke  and  Britton. 

"  That  reminds  me,  sir,"  said  Britton,  "  that  I  found 
a  rag-doll  in  the  courtyard  yesterday,  on  that  side 
of  the  building,  sir  —  I  should  say  castle,  sir." 

"  I  am  quite  sure  I  heard  a  baby  crying  the  second 
night  we  were  here,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  my  secretary 
nervously. 

"  And  there  was  smoke  coming  from  one  of  the  back 
chimney  pots  this  morning,"  added  Britton. 

I  was  thoughtful  for  a  moment.  '*  What  became  of 
the  rag-doll,  Britton?"  I  enquired  shrewdly. 

"  I  turned  it  over  to  old  Schmick,  sir,"  said  he.  He 
grinned.  "  I  thought  as  maybe  it  belonged  to  one  of 
his  boys." 

On  the  aged  caretaker's  reappearance,  I  bluntly  in 
quired  what  had  become  of  the  doll-baby.  He  was 
terribly  confused. 

"  I  know  nothing,  I  know  nothing,"  he  mumbleid, 
and  I  could  see  that  he  was  miserably  upset.  His  sons 
towered  and  glowered  and  his  wife  wrapped  and  un 
wrapped  her  hands  in  her  apron,  all  the  time  suppli 
cating  heaven  to  be  good  to  the  true  and  the  faithful. 

From  what  I   could  gather,  they  all  seemed  to  be 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  23 

more  disturbed  over  the  fact  that  my  hallucination  in 
cluded  a  dog  than  by  the  claim  that  I  had  seen  a 
woman. 

"  But,  confound  you,  Schmick,"  I  cried  in  some  heat, 
"  it  barked  at  me." 

"  Gott  in  himmel ! "  they  all  cried,  and,  to  my  sur 
prise,  the  old  woman  burst  into  tears. 

"  It  is  bad  to  dream  of  a  dog,"  she  wailed.  "  It 
means  evil  to  all  of  us.  Evil  to  — " 

"  Come ! "  said  I,  grabbing  the  keys  from  the  old 
man's  unresisting  hand.  "  And,  Schmick,  if  that  dog 
bites  me,  I'll  hold  you  personally  responsible.  Do  you 
understand?  " 

Two  abreast  we  filed  through  the  long,  vaulted  halls, 
Rudolph  carrying  a  gigantic  lantern  and  Max  a  sledge. 
We  traversed  extensive  corridors,  mounted  tortuous 
stairs  and  came  at  length  to  the  sturdy  oak  door  that 
separated  the  east  wing  from  the  west:  a  huge,  for 
midable  thing  strengthened  by  many  cross-pieces  and 
studded  with  rusty  bolt-heads.  Padlocks  as  large  as 
horse-shoes,  corroded  by  rust  and  rendered  absolutely 
impracticable  by  age,  confronted  us. 

"  I  have  not  the  keys,"  said  old  Conrad  Schmick 
sourly.  "  This  door  has  not  been  opened  in  my  time. 
It  is  no  use." 

"  It  is  no  use,"  repeated  his  grizzly  sons,  leaning 
against  the  mouldy  walls  with  weary  tolerance. 

"  Then  how  did  the  woman  and  her  dog  get  into 
that  part  of  the  castle? "  I  demanded.  "  Tell  me 
that!" 

They  shook  their  heads,  almost  compassionately,  as 
much  as  to  say.  "  It  is  always  best  to  humour  a  mad 
man." 

"  And  the  baby,"  added  Poopendyke,  turning  up  his 


24  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

coat  collar  to  protect  his  thin  neck  from  the  draft 
that  smote  us  from  the  halls. 

"  Smash  those  padlocks,  Max,"  I  commanded  reso 
lutely. 

Max  looked  stupidly  at  his  father  and  the  old  man 
looked  at  his  wife,  and  then  all  four  of  them  looked  at 
me,  almost  imploringly. 

"  Why  destroy  a  perfectly  good  padlock,  mein 
herr?  "  began  Max,  twirling  the  sledge  in  his  hand  as 
if  it  were  a  bamboo  cane. 

"  Hi !  Look  out  there ! "  gasped  Britton,  in  some 
alarm.  "Don't  let  that  thing  slip!" 

"Doesn't  this  castle  belong  to  me?"  I  demanded, 
considerably  impressed  by  the  ease  with  which  he  swung 
the  sledge.  A  very  dangerous  person,  I  began  to  per 
ceive. 

"  It  does,  mein  herr,"  shouted  all  of  them  gladly, 
and  touched  their  forelocks. 

"  Everything  is  yours,"  added  old  Conrad,  with  a 
comprehensive  sweep  of  his  hand  that  might  have  put 
the  whole  universe  in  my  name. 

"  Smash  that  padlock,  Max,"  I  said  after  a  second's 
hesitation. 

"  I'll  bet  he  can't  do  it,"  said  Britton,  ingeniously. 

Very  reluctantly  Max  bared  his  great  arms,  spit 
upon  his  hands,  and,  with  a  pitiful  look  at  his  par 
ents,  prepared  to  deal  the  first  blow  upon  the  ancient 
padlock.  The  old  couple  turned  their  heads  away, 
and  put  their  fingers  to  their  ears,  cringing  like  things 
about  to  be  whipped. 

"  Now,  one  —  two  —  three !  "  cried  I,  affecting  an 
enthusiasm  I  didn't  feel. 

The  sledge  fell  upon  the  padlock  and  rebounded  with 
almost  equal  force.  The  sound  of  the  crash  must  have 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  25 

disturbed  every  bird  and  bat  in  the  towers  of  the  grim 
old  pile.  But  the  padlock  merely  shed  a  few  scabs  of 
rust  and  rattled  back  into  its  customary  repose. 

"  See !  "  cried  Max,  triumphantly.  "  It  cannot  be 
broken."  Rudolph,  his  broad  face  beaming,  held  the 
lantern  close  to  the  padlock  and  showed  me  that  it 
hadn't  been  dented  by  the  blow. 

"  It  is  a  very  fine  lock,"  cried  old  Conrad,  with  a 
note  of  pride  in  his  voice. 

I  began  to  feel  some  pride  in  the  thing  myself. 
"  It  is,  indeed,"  I  said.  "  Try  once  more,  Max." 

It  seemed  to  me  that  he  struck  with  a  great  deal 
more  confidence  than  before,  and  again  they  all  uttered 
ejaculations  of  pleasure.  I  caught  Dame  Schmick  in 
the  act  of  thanking  God  with  her  fingers. 

"  See  here,"  I  exclaimed,  facing  them  angrily, 
"  what  does  all  this  mean  ?  You  are  deceiving  me,  all 
of  you.  Now,  let's  have  the  truth  —  every  word  of 
it  —  or  out  you  go  to-morrow,  the  whole  lot  of  you. 
I  insist  on  knowing  who  that  woman  is,  why  she  is  here 
in  my  hou  —  my  castle,  and  —  everything,  do  you 
understand?  " 

Apparently  they  didn't  understand,  for  they  looked 
at  me  with  all  the  stupidity  they  could  command. 

"  You  try,  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  I  said,  giving  it  up 
in  despair.  He  sought  to  improve  on  my  German,  but 
I  think  he  made  it  worse.  They  positively  refused  to 
be  intelligent. 

"  Give  me  the  hammer,"  I  said  at  last  in  desperation. 
Max  surrendered  the  clumsy,  old-fashioned  instrument 
with  a  grin  and  I  motioned  for  them  all  to  stand  back. 
Three  successive  blows  with  all  the  might  I  had  in  my 
body  failed  to  shatter  the  lock,  whereupon  my  choler 
rose  to  heights  hitherto  unknown,  I  being  a  very  mild- 


26  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

mannered,  placid  person  and  averse  to  anything 
savouring  of  the  tempestuous.  I  delivered  a  savage 
and  resounding  thwack  upon  the  broad  oak  panel  of 
the  door,  regardless  of  the  destructiveness  that  might 
attend  the  effort.  If  any  one  had  told  me  that  I 
couldn't  splinter  an  oak  board  with  a  sledge-hammer 
at  a  single  blow  I  should  have  laughed  in  his  face. 
But  as  it  turned  out  in  this  case  I  not  only  failed  to 
split  the  panel  but  broke  off  the  sledge  handle  near 
the  head,  putting  it  wholly  out  of  commission  for  the 
time  being  as  well  as  stinging  my  hands  so  severely 
that  I  doubled  up  with  pain  and  shouted  words  that 
Dame  Schmick  could  not  put  into  her  prayers. 

The  Schmicks  fairly  glowed  with  joy!  Afterwards 
Max  informed  me  that  the  door  was  nearly  six  inches 
thick  and  often  had  withstood  the  assaults  of  huge 
battering  rams,  back  in  the  dim  past  when  occasion 
induced  the  primal  baron  to  seek  safety  in  the  east 
wing,  which,  after  all,  appears  to  have  been  the  real, 
simon  pure  fortress.  The  west  wing  was  merely  a 
setting  for  festal  amenities  and  was  by  no  means  feudal 
in  its  aspect  or  appeal.  Here,  as  I  came  to  know,  the 
old  barons  received  their  friends  and  feasted  them  and 
made  merry  with  the  flagon  and  the  horn  of  plenty; 
here  the  humble  tithe  payer  came  to  settle  his  dues 
with  gold  and  silver  instead  of  with  blood;  here  the 
little  barons  and  baronesses  romped  and  rioted  with 
childish  glee;  and  here  the  barons  grew  fat  and  gross 
and  soggy  with  laziness  and  prosperity,  and  here  they 
died  in  stupid  quiescence.  On  the  other  side  of  that 
grim,  staunch  old  door  they  simply  went  to  the  other 
extreme  in  every  particular.  There  they  killed  their 
captives,  butchered  their  enemies,  and  sometimes  died 
with  the  daggers  of  traitors  in  their  shivering  backs. 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  27 

As  we  trudged  back  to  the  lower  halls,  defeated 
but  none  the  less  impressed  by  our  failure  to  devastate 
our  stronghold,  I  was  struck  by  the  awful  barren 
ness  of  the  surroundings.  There  suddenly  came  over 
me  the  shocking  realisation :  the  "  contents  "  of  the 
castle,  as  set  forth  rather  vaguely  in  the  bill  of  sale, 
were  not  what  I  had  been  led  to  consider  them.  It 
had  not  occurred  to  me  at  the  time  of  the  transaction 
to  insist  upon  an  inventory,  and  I  had  been  too  busy 
since  the  beginning  of  my  tenancy  to  take  more  than  a 
passing  account  of  my  belongings.  In  excusing  my 
self  for  this  rather  careless  oversight,  I  can  only  say 
that  during  daylight  hours  the  castle  was  so  com 
pletely  stuffed  with  workmen  and  their  queer  utensils 
that  I  couldn't  do  much  in  the  way  of  elimination,  and 
by  night  it  was  so  horribly  black  and  lonesome  about 
the  place  and  the  halls  were  so  littered  with  tools  and 
mops  and  timber  that  it  was  extremely  hazardous  to 
go  prowling  about,  so  I  preferred  to  remain  in  my  own 
quarters,  which  were  quite  comfortable  and  cosy  in 
spite  of  the  distance  between  points  of  convenience. 

Still  I  was  vaguely  certain  that  many  articles  I 
had  seen  about  the  halls  on  my  first  and  second  visits 
were  no  longer  in  evidence.  To  or  three  antique  rugs, 
for  instance,  were  missing  from  the  main  hall,  and  there 
was  a  lamentable  suggestion  of  emptiness  at  the  lower 
end  where  we  had  stacked  a  quantity  of  rare  old  furni 
ture  in  order  to  make  room  for  the  workmen. 

"  Herr  Schmick,"  said  I,  abruptly  halting  my  party 
in  the  centre  of  the  hall,  "  what  has  become  of  the 
rugs  that  were  here  last  week,  and  where  is  that  pile 
of  furniture  we  had  back  yonder?  " 

Rudolph  allowed  the  lantern  to  swing  behind  his 
huge  legs,  intentionally  I  believe,  and  I  was  compelled 


28  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

to  relieve  him  of  it  in  order  that  we  might  extract  our 
selves  from  his  shadow.  I  have  never  seen  such  a 
colossal  shadow  as  the  one  he  cast. 

Old  Conrad  was  not  slow  in  answering. 

"  The  gentlemen  called  day  before  yesterday,  mem 
herr,  and  took  much  away.  They  will  return  to-mor 
row  for  the  remainder." 

"  Gentlemen?  "  I  gasped.     "  Remainder?  " 

"  The  gentlemen  to  whom  the  Herr  Count  sold  the 
rugs  and  chairs  and  chests  and  — " 

"  What !  "  I  roared.  Even  Poopendyke  jumped  at 
this  sudden  exhibition  of  wrath.  "  Do  you  mean  to 
tell  me  that  these  things  have  been  sold  and  carried 
away  without  my  knowledge  or  consent?  I'll  have  the 
law—" 

Herr  Poopendyke  intervened.  "  They  had  bills  of 
sale  and  orders  for  removal  of  property  dated  several 
weeks  prior  to  your  purchase,  Mr.  Smart.  We  had 
to  let  the  articles  go.  You  surely  remember  my 
speaking  to  you  about  it." 

"  I  don't  remember  anything,"  I  snapped,  which  was 
the  truth.  "  Why  —  why,  I  bought  everything  that 
the  castle  contained.  This  is  robbery!  What  the 
dickens  do  you  mean  by  — " 

Old  Conrad  held  up  his  hands  as  if  expecting  to 
pacify  me.  I  sputtered  out  the  rest  of  the  sentence, 
which  really  amounted  to  nothing. 

"  The  Count  has  been  selling  off  the  lovely  old  pieces 
for  the  past  six  months,  sir.  Ach,  what  a  sin !  They 
have  come  here  day  after  day,  these  furniture  buyers, 
to  take  away  the  most  priceless  of  our  treasures,  to 
sell  them  to  the  poor  rich  at  twenty  prices.  I  could 
weep  over  the  sacrifices.  I  have  wept,  haven't  I, 
Gretel?  Eh,  Rudolph?  Buckets  of  tears  have  I  shed, 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  29 

mein  herr.  Oceans  of  them.  Time  after  time  have  I 
implored  him  to  deny  these  rascally  curio  hunters, 
these  blood-sucking — " 

"  But  listen  to  me,"  I  broke  in.  "  Do  you  mean  to 
say  that  articles  have  been  taken  away  from  the  castle 
since  I  came  into  possession?  " 

.  "  Many  of  them,  sir.  Always  with  proper  creden 
tials,  believe  me.  Ach,  what  a  spendthrift  he  is !  And 
his  poor  wife!  Ach,  Gott,  how  she  must  suffer. 
Nearly  all  of  the  grand  paintings,  the  tapestries  that 
came  from  France  and  Italy  hundreds  of  years  ago, 
the  wonderful  old  bedsteads  and  tables  that  were  here 
when  the  castle  was  new  —  all  gone !  And  for  mere 
songs,  mein  herr, —  the  cheapest  of  songs !  I  —  I  — " 

"  Please  don't  weep  now,  Herr  Schmick,"  I  made 
haste  to  exclaim,  seeing  lachrymose  symptoms  in  his 
blear  old  eyes.  Then  I  became  firm  once  more.  This 
knavery  must  cease,  or  I'd  know  the  reason  why. 
"  The  next  man  who  comes  here  to  cart  away  so  much 
as  a  single  piece  is  to  be  kicked  out.  Do  you  under 
stand?  These  things  belong  to  me.  Kick  him  into 
the  river.  Or,  better  still,  notify  me  and  Til  do  it. 
Why,  if  this  goes  on  we'll  soon  be  deprived  of  anything 
to  sit  on  or  sleep  in  or  eat  from !  Lock  the  doors, 
Conrad,  and  don't  admit  any  one  without  first  con 
sulting  me.  By  Jove,  I'd  like  to  wring  that  rascal's 
neck.  A  Count !  Umph !  " 

"  Ach,  he  is  of  the  noblest  family  in  all  the  land," 
sighed  old  Gretel.  "  His  grandfather  was  a  fine  man." 
I  contrived  to  subdue  my  rage  and  disappointment 
and  somewhat  loudly  returned  to  the  topic  from  which 
we  were  drifting. 

"  As  for  those  beastly  padlocks,  I  shall  have  them 
filed  off  to-morrow.  I  give  you  warning,  Conrad,  if 


30  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

the  keys  are  not  forthcoming  before  noon  to-morrow, 
I'll  file  'em  off,  so  help  me." 

"  They  are  yours  to  destroy,  mein  herr,  God  knows," 
said  he  dismally.  "  It  is  a  pity  to  destroy  fine  old 
padlocks  — " 

"  Well,  you  wait  and  see,"  said  I,  grimly. 

His  face  beamed  once  more.  "  Ach,  I  forgot  to  say 
that  there  are  padlocks  on  the  other  side  of  the  door, 
just  as  on  this  side.  It  will  be  of  no  use  to  destroy 
these.  The  door  still  could  not  be  forced.  Mein 
Gott!  How  thankful  I  am  to  have  remembered  it  in 
time." 

"  Confound  you,  Schmiclc,  I  believe  you  actually 
want  to  keep  me  out  of  that  part  of  the  castle,"  I  ex 
ploded. 

The  four  of  them  protested  manfully,  even  Gretel. 

"  I  have  a  plan,  sir,"  said  Britton.  "  Why  not 
place  a  tall  ladder  in  the  courtyard  and  crawl  in 
through  one  of  the  windows  ?  " 

"Splendid!  That's  what  we'll  do!"  I  cried  en 
thusiastically.  "  And  now  let's  go  to  bed !  We  will 
breakfast  at  eight,  Mrs.  Schmick.  The  early  bird 
catches  the  worm,  you  know." 

"  Will  you  see  the  American  ladies  and  gentlemen 
who  are  coming  to-morrow  to  pick  out  the  — " 

**  Yes,  I'll  see  them,"  said  I,  compressing  my  lips. 
"  Don't  let  me  over-sleep,  Britton." 

"  I  shan't,  sir,"  said  he. 

Sleep  evaded  me  for  hours.  What  with  the  pos 
sible  proximity  of  an  undesirable  feminine  neighbour, 
mysterious  and  elusive  though  she  may  prove  to  be, 
and  the  additional  dread  of  dogs  and  babies,  to  say 
nothing  of  the  amazing  delinquencies  to  be  laid  to  the 
late  owner  of  the  place,  and  the  prospect  of  a  visit 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  31 

from  coarse  and  unfeeling  bargain-hunters  on  the  mor 
row,  it  is  really  not  surprising  that  I  tossed  about  in 
my  baronial  bed,  counting  sheep  backwards  and  for 
wards  over  hedges  and  fences  until  the  vociferous  cocks 
in  the  stable  yard  began  to  send  up  their  clarion  howdy- 
dos  to  the  sun.  Strangely  enough,  with  the  first  peep 
of  day  through  the  decrepit  window  shutters  I  fell 
into  a  sound  sleep.  Britton  got  nothing  but  grunts 
from  me  until  half-past  nine.  At  that  hour  he  came 
into  my  room  and  delivered  news  that  aroused  me  more 
effectually  than  all  the  alarm  clocks  or  alarm  cocks  in 
the  world  could  have  done. 

"  Get  up,  sir,  if  you  please,"  he  repeated  the  tKird 
time.  "  The  party  of  Americans  is  below,  sir,  rum 
maging  about  the  place.  They  have  ordered  the 
workmen  to  stop  work,  sir,  complaining  of  the  beastly 
noise  they  make,  and  the  dust  and  all  that,  sir.  They 
have  already  selected  half  a  dozen  pieces  and  they  have 
brought  enough  porters  and  carriers  over  in  the  boats 
to  take  the  stuff  away  in  — " 

"  Where  is  Poopendyke  ?  "  I  cried,  leaping  out  of 
bed.  "  I  don't  want  to  be  shaved,  Britton,  and  don't 
bother  about  the  tub."  He  had  filled  my  twentieth 
century  portable  tub,  recently  acquired,  and  was 
nervously  creating  a  lather  in  my  shaving  mug. 

"  You  look  very  rough,  sir." 

"  So  much  the  better." 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke  is  in  despair,  sir.  He  has  tried 
to  explain  that  nothing  is  for  sale,  but  the  gentlemen 
say  they  are  onto  his  game.  They  go  right  on  yank 
ing  things  about  and  putting  their  own  prices  on  them 
and  reserving  them.  They  are  perfectly  delighted, 
sir,  to  have  found  so  many  old  things  they  really  want 
for  their  new  houses." 


32  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"I'll  —  I'll  put  a  stop  to  all  this,"  I  grated,  see 
ing  red  for  an  instant. 

"  And  the  ladies,  sir !  There  are  three  of  them,  all 
from  New  York  City,  and  they  keep  on  saying  they 
are  completely  ravished,  sir, —  with  joy,  I  take  it. 
Your  great  sideboard  in  the  dining-room  is  to  go  to 
Mrs.  Riley-Werkheimer,  and  the  hall-seat  that  the  first 
Baron  used  to  throw  his  armour  on  when  he  came  in 
from—" 

"  Great  snakes  !  "  I  roared.  "  They  haven't  moved 
it,  have  they?  It  will  fall  to  pieces!" 

"  No,  sir.  They  are  piling  sconces  and  candelabra 
and  andirons  on  it,  regardless  of  what  Mr.  Poopen- 
dyke  says.  You'd  better  hurry,  sir.  Here  is  your 
collar  and  necktie  — " 

"  I  don't  want  'em.  Where  the  dickens  are  my 
trousers  ?  " 

His  face  fell.  "  Being  pressed,  sir,  God  forgive 
me!" 

"  Get  out  another  pair,  confound  you,  Britton. 
What  are  we  coming  to  ?  " 

He  began  rummaging  in  the  huge  clothespress,  all 
the  while  regaling  me  with  news  from  the  regions  be 
low. 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke  has  gone  up  to  his  room,  sir,  with 
his  typewriter.  The  young  lady  insisted  on  having  it. 
She  squealed  with  joy  at  seeing  an  antique  typewriter 
and  he  —  he  had  to  run  away  with  it,  'pon  my  soul  he 
did,  sir." 

I  couldn't  help  laughing. 

"  And  your  golf  clubs,  Mr.  Smart.  The  young  gen 
tleman  of  the  party  is  perfectly  carried  away  with 
them.  He  says  they're  the  real  thing,  the  genuine 
sixteenth  century  article.  They  are  a  bit  rusted, 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  33 

you'll  remember.  I  left  him  out  in  the  courtyard  try 
ing  your  brassie  and  mid-iron,  sir,  endeavouring  to 
loft  potatoes  over  the  south  wall.  I  succeeded  in  hid 
ing  the  balls,  sir.  Just  as  I  started  upstairs  I  heard 
one  of  the  new  window  panes  in  the  banquet  hall  smash, 
sir,  so  I  take  it  he  must  have  sliced  his  drive  a  bit." 

"Who  let  these  people  in?"  I  demanded  in  smoth 
ered  tones  from  the  depths  of  a  sweater  I  was  getting 
into  in  order  to  gain  time  by  omitting  a  collar. 

"  They  came  in  with  the  plumbers,  sir,  at  half-past 
eight.  Old  man  Schmick  tried  to  keep  them  out,  but 
they  said  they  didn't  understand  German  and  walked 
right  by,  leaving  their  donkeys  in  the  roadway  out 
side." 

"  Couldn't  Rudolph  and  Max  stop  them  ?  "  I  cried, 
as  my  head  emerged. 

"  They  were  still  in  bed,  sir.  I  think  they're  at 
breakfast  now." 

"  Good  lord ! "  I  groaned,  looking  at  my  watch. 
"  Nine-thirty !  What  sort  of  a  rest  cure  am  I  conduct 
ing  here  ?  " 

We  hurried  downstairs  so  fast  that  I  lost  one  of 
my  bedroom  slippers.  It  went  clattering  on  ahead  of 
us,  making  a  shameful  racket  on  the  bare  stones,  but 
Britton  caught  it  up  in  time  to  save  it  from  the  clutches 
of  the  curio-vandals.  My  workmen  were  lolling  about 
the  place,  smoking  vile  pipes  and  talking  in  guttural 
whispers.  All  operations  appeared  to  have  ceased  in 
my  establishment  at  the  command  of  the  far  from  idle 
rich.  Two  portly  gentlemen  in  fedoras  were  stand 
ing  in  the  middle  of  the  great  hall,  discussing  the  merits 
of  a  dingy  old  spinet  that  had  been  carried  out  of  the 
music  room  by  two  lusty  porters  from  the  hotel.  From 
somewhere  in  the  direction  of  the  room  where  the  por- 


34  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

celains  and  earthenware  were  stored  came  the  shrill, 
excited  voices  of  women.  The  aged  Schmicks  were 
sitting  side  by  side  on  a  window  ledge,  with  the  rigid 
reticence  of  wax  figures. 

As  I  came  up,  I  heard  one  of  the  strangers  say  to 
the  other: 

"Well,  if  you  don't  want  it,  I'll  take  it.  My 
wife  says  it  can  be  made  into  a  writing  desk  with  a 
little  — " 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  gentlemen,"  said  I  confront 
ing  them.  "  Will  you  be  good  enough  to  explain  this 
intrusion?  " 

They  stared  at  me  as  if  I  were  a  servant  asking  for 
higher  wages.  The  speaker,  a  fat  man  with  a  bristly 
moustache  and  a  red  necktie,  drew  himself  up  haughtily. 

"  Who  the  devil  are  you?  "  he  demanded,  fixing  me 
with  a  glare. 

I  knew  at  once  that  he  was  the  kind  of  an  American 
I  have  come  to  hate  with  a  zest  that  knows  no  mod 
eration  ;  the  kind  that  makes  one  ashamed  of  the  na 
tional  melting  pot.  I  glared  back  at  him. 

"  I  happen  to  be  the  owner  of  this  place,  and  you'll 
oblige  me  by  clearing  out." 

"  What's  that  ?  Here,  here,  none  of  that  sort  of 
talk,  my  friend.  We're  here  to  look  over  your  stuff, 
and  we  mean  business,  but  you  won't  get  anywhere  by 
talking  like  — " 

"  There  is  nothing  for  sale  here,"  I  said  shortly. 
"  And  you've  got  a  lot  of  nerve  to  come  bolting  into 
a  private  house  — " 

"  Say,"  said  the  second  man,  advancing  with  a  most 
insulting  scowl,  "  we'll  understand  each  other  right  off 
the  reel,  my  friend.  All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  answer 
us  when  we  ask  for  prices.  Now,  sbear  that  in  mind, 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  35 

and  don't  try  any  of  your  high-and-mighty  tactics  on 
us." 

"Just  remember  that  you're  a  junk-dealer  and  we'll 
get  along  splendidly,"  said  the  other,  in  a  tone  meant 
to  crush  me.  "  What  do  you  ask  for  this  thing?  " 
tapping  the  dusty  spinet  with  his  walking-stick. 

It  suddenly  occurred  to  me  that  the  situation  was 
humorous. 

"  You  will  have  to  produce  your  references,  gentle 
men,  before  I  can  discuss  anything  with  you,"  I  said, 
after  swallowing  very  hard.  (It  must  have  been  my 
pride. ) 

They  stared.  "  Good  Lord ! "  gasped  the  bristly 
one,  blinking  his  eyes.  "  Don't  you  know  who  this 
gentleman  is  ?  You  —  you  appear  to  be  an  American. 
You  must  know  Mr.  Riley-Werkheimer  of  New  York." 

"  I  regret  to  say  that  I  have  never  heard  of  Mr. 
Riley-Werkheimer.  I  did  not  know  that  Mrs.  Riley- 
Werkheimer's  husband  was  living.  And  may  I  ask 
who  you  are  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  am  also  a  nobody,"  said  he,  with  a  wink  at 
his  purple- jowled  companion.  "I  am  only  poor  old 
Rocksworth,  the  president  of  the — " 

"  Oh,  don't  say  anything  more,  Mr.  Rocksworth," 
I  cried.  "  I  have  heard  of  you.  This  fine  old  spinet  ? 
Well,  it  has  been  reduced  in  price.  Ten  thousand 
dollars,  Mr.  Rocksworth." 

"  Ten  thousand  nothing !  I'll  take  it  at  seventy- 
five  dollars.  And  now  let's  talk  about  this  here  hall- 
seat.  My  wife  thinks  it's  a  fake.  What  is  its  history, 
and  what  sort  of  guarantee  can  you  — " 

"  A  fake ! "  I  cried  in  dismay.  "  My  dear  Mr. 
Rocksworth,  that  is  the  very  hall-seat  that  Pontius 
Pilate  sat  in  when  waiting  for  an  audience  with  the 


36  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

first  of  the  great  Teutonic  barons.  The  treaty  be 
tween  the  Romans  and  the  Teutons  was  signed  on  that 
table  over  there, —  the  one  you  have  so  judiciously 
selected,  I  perceive.  Of  course,  you  know  that  this 
was  the  Saxon  seat  of  government.  Charlemagne  lived 
here  with  all  his  court." 

They  tried  not  to  look  impressed,  but  rather  over 
did  it. 

"  That's  the  sort  of  a  story  you  fellows  always  put 
up,  you  skinflints  from  Boston.  I'll  bet  my  head  you 
are  from  Boston,"  said  Mr.  Rocksworth  shrewdly. 

"  I  couldn't  afford  to  have  you  lose  your  head,  Mr. 
Rocksworth,  so  I  shan't  take  you  on,"  said  I  merrily. 

"  Don't  get  fresh  now,"  said  he  stiffly. 

Mr.  Riley-Werkheimer  walked  past  me  to  take  a 
closer  look  at  the  seat,  almost  treading  on  my  toes 
rather  than  to  give  an  inch  to  me. 

"  How  can  you  prove  that  it's  the  genuine  article?  " 
he  demanded  curtly. 

"  You  have  my  word  for  it,  sir,"  I  said  quietly. 

"  Pish  tush !  "  said  he. 

Mr.  Rocksworth  turned  in  the  direction  of  the  ban 
quet  hall. 

"  Carrie !  "  he  shouted.  "  Come  here  a  minute,  will 
you?" 

"  Don't  shout  like  that,  Orson,"  came  back  from 
the  porcelain  closet.  "  You  almost  made  me  drop  this 
thing." 

"  Well,  drop  it,  and  come  on.     This  is  important." 

I  wiped  the  moisture  from  my  brow  and  respectfully 
put  my  clenched  fists  into  my  pockets. 

A  minute  later,  three  females  appeared  on  the  scene, 
all  of  them  dusting  their  hands  and  curling  their  noses 
in  disgust. 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  37 

"  I  never  saw  such  a  dirty  place,"  said  the  foremost, 
a  large  lady  who  couldn't,  by  any  circumstance  of 
fate,  have  been  anybody's  wife  but  Rocksworth's. 
«'  It's  filthy !  What  do  you  want?  " 

"  I've  bought  this  thing  here  for  seventy-five.  You 
said  I  couldn't  get  it  for  a  nickle  under  a  thousand. 
And  say,  this  man  tells  me  the  hall  seat  here  belonged 
to  Pontius  Pilate  in  — " 

"  Pardon  me,"  I  interrupted,  "  I  merely  said  that  he 
sat  in  it.  I  am  not  trying  to  deceive  you,  sir." 

"  And  the  treaty  was  signed  on  this  table,"  said  Mr. 
Riley-Werkheimer.  He  addressed  himself  to  a  plump 
young  lady  with  a  distorted  bust  and  a  twenty-two 
inch  waist.  "  Maude,  what  do  you  know  about  the 
Roman-Teutonic  treaty?  We'll  catch  you  now,  my 
friend,"  he  went  on,  turning  to  me.  "  My  daughter 
is  up  in  ancient  history.  She's  an  authority." 

Miss  Maude  appeared  to  be  racking  her  brain.  I 
undertook  to  assist  her. 

"  I  mean  the  second  treaty,  after  the  fall  of  Nur- 
emburg,"  I  explained. 

"  Oh,"  she  said,  instantly  relieved.  "  Was  it  really 
signed  here,  right  here  in  this  hall?  Oh,  Father!  We 
must  have  that  table." 

"  You  are  sure  there  was  a  treaty,  Maude  ?  "  de 
manded  her  parent  accusingly. 

"  Certainly,"  she  cried.  "  The  Teutons  ceded 
Alsace-Lorraine  to  — " 

"  Pardon  me  once  more,"  I  cried,  and  this  time  I 
plead  guilty  to  a  blush,  "  you  are  thinking  of  the  other 
treaty  —  the  one  at  Metz,  Miss  Riley-Werkheimer. 
This,  as  you  will  recall,  ante-dates  that  one  by  —  oh, 
several  years." 

"  Thank  you,"  she  said,  quite  condescendingly.     "  I 


38  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

was  confused  for  a  moment.  Of  course,  Father,  I  can't 
say  that  it  was  signed  here  or  on  this  table  as  the  young 
man  says.  I  only  know  that  there  was  a  treaty.  I 
do  wish  you'd  come  and  see  the  fire-screen  I've 
found—" 

"  Let's  get  this  out  of  our  system  first,"  said  her 
father.  "  If  you  can  show  me  statistics  and  the  proper 
proof  that  this  is  the  genuine  table,  young  man, 
I'll  — " 

"  Pray  rest  easy,  sir,"  I  said.  "  We  can  take  it  up 
later  on.  The  facts  are  — " 

"  And  this  Pontius  Pilate  seat,"  interrupted  Rocks- 
worth,  biting  off  the  end  of  a  fresh  cigar.  "  What 
about  it?  Got  a  match?  " 

"  Get  the  gentleman  a  match,  Britton,"  I  said,  there 
by  giving  my  valet  an  opportunity  to  do  his  exploding 
in  the  pantry.  "  I  can  only  affirm,  sir,  that  it  is 
common  history  that  Pontius  Pilate  spent  a  portion  of 
his  exile  here  in  the  sixth  century.  It  is  reasonable  to 
assume  that  he  sat  in  this  seat,  being  an  old  man  unused 
to  difficult  stairways.  He  — " 

"  Buy  it,  Orson,"  said  his  wife,  with  authority. 
"  We'll  take  a  chance  on  it.  If  it  isn't  the  right  thing, 
we  can  sell  it  to  the  second-hand  dealers.  What's  the 
price  ?  " 

"  A  thousand  dollars  to  you,  madam,"  said  I. 

They  were  at  once  suspicious.  While  they  were 
busily  engaged  in  looking  the  seat  over  as  the  porters 
shifted  it  about  at  all  angles,  I  stepped  over  and 
ordered  my  workmen  to  resume  their  operations.  I 
was  beginning  to  get  sour  and  angry  again,  having 
missed  my  coffee.  From  the  culinary  regions  there 
ascended  a  most  horrific  odour  of  fried  onions.  If 
there  is  one  thing  I  really  resent  it  is  a  fried  onion. 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  39 

I  do  not  know  why  I  should  have  felt  the  way  I  did 
about  it  on  this  occasion,  but  I  am  mean  enough  now 
to  confess  that  I  hailed  the  triumphal  entry  of  that 
pernicious  odour  with  a  meanness  of  spirit  that  leaves 
nothing  to  be  explained. 

"  Good  gracious !  "  gasped  '  the  aristocratic  Mrs. 
Riley-Werkheimer,  holding  her  nose.  "  Do  you  smell 
that  ?  " 

"Onions!  My  Gawd!"  sniffed  Maude.  "How  I 
hate  'em ! " 

Mr.  Rocksworth  forgot  his  dignity.  "  Hate  'em?  " 
he  cried,  his  eyes  rolling.  "  I  just  love  'em!  " 

"  Orson !  "  said  his  wife,  transfixing  him  with  a  glare. 
"  What  will  people  think  of  you?  " 

"  I  like  'em  too,"  admitted  Mr.  Riley-Werkheimer, 
perceiving  at  once  whom  she  meant  by  "  people."  He 
puffed  out  his  chest. 

At  that  instant  the  carpenters,  plumbers  and  stone 
masons  resumed  their  infernal  racket,  while  scrub 
women,  polishers  and  painters  began  to  move  intimately 
among  us. 

"  Here ! "  roared  Mr.  Rocksworth.  "  Stop  this 
beastly  noise !  What  the  deuce  do  you  mean,  sir,  per 
mitting  these  scoundrels  to  raise  the  dead  like  this? 
Confound  'em,  I  stopped  them  once.  Here!  You! 
Let  up  on  that,  will  you?  " 

I  moved  forward  apologetically.  "  I  am  afraid  it 
is  not  onions  you  smell,  ladies  and  gentlemen."  I  had 
taken  my  cue  with  surprising  quickness.  "  They  are 
raising  the  dead.  The  place  is  fairly  alive  with  dead 
rats  and  — " 

"Good  Lord!"  gasped  Riley-Werkheimer.  "We'll 
get  the  bubonic  plague  here." 

"  Oh,    I    know    onions"    said    Rocksworth    calmly. 


40  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Can't  fool  me  on  onions.  They  are  onions,  ain't 
they,  Carrie?  " 

"  They  are!  "  said  she.  "What  a  pity  to  have  this 
wonderful  old  castle  actually  devastated  by  workmen! 
It  is  an  outrage  —  a  crime.  I  should  think  the  owner 
would  turn  over  in  his  grave." 

"  Unhappily,  I  am  the  owner,  madam,"  said  I,  slyly 
working  my  foot  back  into  an  elusive  slipper. 

"  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself,"  she  said, 
eyeing  me  coldly  with  a  hitherto  unexposed  lorgnon. 

"  I  am,"  said  I.  "  You  quite  took  me  by  surprise. 
I  should  have  made  myself  more  presentable  if  I  had 
known  — " 

"  Well,  let's  move  on  upstairs,"  said  Rocksworth. 
Addressing  the  porters  he  said :  "  You  fellows  get  this 
lot  of  stuff  together  and  I'll  take  an  option  on  it.  I'll 
be  over  to-morrow  to  close  the  deal,  Mr. —  Mr. —  Now, 
where  is  the  old  Florentine  mirror  the  Count  was  telling 
us  about  ?  " 

"  The  Count?  "  said  I,  frowning. 

"  Yes,  the  real  owner.  You  can't  stuff  me  with  your 
talk  about  being  the  proprietor  here,  my  friend.  You 
see,  we  happen  to  know  the  Count." 

They  all  condescended  to  laugh  at  me.  I  don't  know 
what  I  should  have  said  or  done  if  Britton  had  not 
returned  with  a  box  of  matches  at  that  instant  —  sul 
phur  matches  which  added  subtly  to  the  growing 
illusion. 

Almost  simultaneously  there  appeared  in  the  lowep 
hall  a  lanky  youth  of  eighteen.  He  was  a  loud-voiced, 
imperious  sort  of  chap  with  at  least  three  rolls  to  his 
trousers  and  a  plum-coloured  cap. 

"  Say,  these  clubs  are  the  real  stuff,  all  right,  all 
right.  They're  as  brittle  as  glass.  See  what  I  did  to 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  41 

'em.  We  can  have  'em  spliced  and  rewound  and  I'll 
hang  'em  on  my  wall.  All  I  want  is  the  heads  anyhow." 

He  held  up  to  view  a  headless  mid-iron  and  brassie, 
and  triumphantly  waved  a  splendid  cleek.  My  fa 
vourite  clubs !  I  could  play  better  from  a  hanging  lie 
with  that  beautiful  brassie  than  with  any  club  I  ever 
owned  and  as  for  the  iron,  I  was  deadly  with  it. 

He  lit  a  cigarette  and  threw  the  match  into  a  pile  of 
shavings.  Old  Conrad  returned  to  life  at  that  instant 
and  stamped  out  the  incipient  blaze. 

"  I  shouldn't  consider  them  very  good  clubs,  Harold, 
if  they  break  off  like  that,"  said  his  mother. 

"  What  do  you  know  about  clubs  ?  "  he  snapped,  and 
I  at  once  knew  what  class  he  was  in  at  the  preparatory 
school. 

If  I  was  ever  like  one  of  these,  said  I  to  myself,  God 
rest  the  sage  soul  of  my  Uncle  Rilas ! 

The  situation  was  no  longer  humorous.  I  could  put 
up  with  anything  but  the  mishandling  of  my  devoted 
golf  clubs. 

Striding  up  to  him,  I  snatched  the  remnants  from 
his  hands. 

"  You  infernal  cub !  "  I  roared.  "  Haven't  you  any 
more  sense  than  to  smash  a  golf  club  like  that?  For 
two  cents  I'd  break  this  putter  over  your  head." 

"  Father !  "  he  yelled  indignantly.  "  Who  is  this 
mucker?  " 

Mr.  Rocksworth  bounced  toward  me,  his  cane 
raised.  I  whirled  upon  him. 

"  How  dare  you !  "  he  shouted.     The  ladies  squealed. 

If  he  expected  me  to  cringe,  he  was  mightily  mis 
taken.  My  blood  was  up.  I  advanced. 

"  Paste  him,  Dad !  "  roared  Harold. 

But   Mr.   Rocksworth   suddenly   altered   his    course 


42  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

and  put  the  historic  treaty  table  between  him  and  me. 
He  didn't  like  the  appearance  of  my  rather  brawny  fist. 

"  You  big  stiff ! "  shouted  Harold.  Afterwards  it 
occurred  to  me  that  this  inelegant  appellation  may 
have  been  meant  for  his  father,  but  at  the  time  I  took 
it  to  be  aimed  at  me. 

Before  Harold  quite  knew  what  was  happening  to 
him,  he  was  prancing  down  the  long  hall  with  my  bony 
fingers  grasping  his  collar.  Coming  to  the  door  open 
ing  into  the  outer  vestibule,  I  drew  back  my  foot  for  a 
final  aid  to  locomotion.  Acutely  recalling  the  fact 
that  slippers  are  not  designed  for  kicking  purposes,  I 
raised  my  foot,  removed  the  slipper  and  laid  it  upon  a 
taut  section  of  his  trousers  with  all  of  the  melancholy 
force  that  I  usually  exert  in  slicing  my  drive  off  the  tee. 
I  shall  never  forget  the  exquisite  spasm  of  pleasure  his 
plaintive  "  Ouch !  "  gave  me. 

Then  Harold  passed  swiftly  out  of  my  life. 

Mr.  Rocksworth,  reinforced  by  four  reluctant  mer 
cenaries  in  the  shape  of  porters,  was  advancing  upon 
me.  Somehow  I  had  a  vague,  but  unerring  instinct 
that  some  one  had  fainted,  but  I  didn't  stop  to  inquire. 
Without  much  ado,  I  wrested  the  cane  from  him  and 
sent  it  scuttling  after  Harold. 

"  Now,  get  out !  "  I  roared. 

"  You  shall  pay  for  this !  "  he  sputtered,  quite  black 
in  the  face.  "  Grab  him,  you  infernal  cowards !  " 

But  the  four  porters  slunk  away,  and  Mr.  Rocks- 
worth  faced  me  alone.  Rudolph  and  Max,  thoroughly 
fed  and  most  prodigious,  were  bearing  down  upon  us, 
accounting  for  the  flight  of  the  mercenaries. 

"  Get  out !  "  I  repeated.  "  I  am  the  owner  of  this 
place,  Mr.  Rocksworth,  and  I  am  mad  through  and 
through.  Skip ! " 


I  DEFEND  MY  PROPERTY  43 

"  I'll  have  the  law  — " 

"  Law  be  hanged !  " 

"  If  it  costs  me  a  million,  I'll  get  — " 

"  It  will  cost  you  a  million  if  you  don't  get ! "  I 
advised  him,  seeing  that  he  paused  for  want  of  breath. 

I  left  him  standing  there,  but  had  the  presence  of 
mind  to  wave  my  huge  henchmen  away.  Mr.  Riley- 
Werkheimer  approached,  but  very  pacifically.  He  was 
paler  than  he  will  ever  be  again  in  his  life,  I  fear. 

"  This  is  most  distressing,  most  distressing,  Mr. — 
Mr. —  ahem !  I've  never  been  so  outraged  in  my  life. 
I  —  but,  wait !  "  He  had  caught  the  snap  in  my  ata 
vistic  eye.  "  I  am  not  seeking  trouble.  We  will  go, 
sir.  I  —  I  —  I  think  my  wife  has  quite  recovered. 
Are  —  are  you  all  right,  my  dear?" 

I  stood  aside  and  let  them  file  past  me.  Mrs.  Riley- 
Werkheimer  moved  very  nimbly  for  one  who  had  just 
been  revived  by  smelling-salts.  As  her  husband  went 
by,  he  half  halted  in  front  of  me.  A  curious  glitter 
leaped  into  his  fishy  eyes. 

"  I'd  give  a  thousand  dollars  to  be  free  to  do  what 
you  did  to  that  insufferable  puppy,  Mr. —  Mr. —  ahem. 
A  cool  thousand,  damn  him ! " 

I  had  my  coffee  upstairs,  far  removed  from  the 
onions.  A  racking  headache  set  in.  Never  again  will 
I  go  without  my  coffee  so  long.  It  always  gives  me  a 
headache. 


CHAPTER    III 

I   CONVERSE  WITH  A   MYSTERY 

LATE  in  the  afternoon,  I  opened  my  door,  hoping  that 
the  banging  of  hammers  and  the  buzz  of  industry  would 
have  ceased,  but  alas !  the  noise  was  even  more  deafening 
than  before.  I  was  still  in  a  state  of  nerves  over  the 
events  of  the  morning.  There  had  been  a  most  dis 
tressing  lack  of  poise  on  my  part,  and  I  couldn't  help 
feeling  after  it  was  all  over  that  my  sense  of  humour 
had  received  a  shock  from  which  it  was  not  likely  to 
recover  in  a  long  time.  There  was  but  little  consola 
tion  in  the  reflection  that  my  irritating  visitors  de 
served  something  in  the  shape  of  a  rebuff;  I  could  not 
separate  myself  from  the  conviction  that  my  integrity 
as  a  gentleman  had  suffered  in  a  mistaken  conflict  with 
humour.  My  headache,  I  think,  was  due  in  a  large 
measure  to  the  sickening  fear  that  I  had  made  a  fool 
of  myself,  notwithstanding  my  efforts  to  make  fools 
of  them.  My  day  was  spoilt.  My  plans  were  upset 
and  awry. 

Espying  Britton  in  the  gloomy  corridor,  I  shouted 
to  him,  and  he  came  at  once. 

"  Britton,"  said  I,  as  he  closed  the  door,  "  do  you 
think  they  will  carry  out  their  threat  to  have  the  law 
on  me?  Mr.  Rocksworth  was  very  angry  —  and  put 
out.  He  is  a  power,  as  you  know." 

"  I  think  you  are  quite  safe,  sir,"  said  he.  "  I've 
been  waiting  outside  since  two  o'clock  to  tell  you  some 
thing,  sir,  but  hated  to  disturb  you.  I  — " 

44 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          45 

"Thank  you,  Britton,  my  head  was  aching  dread 
fully." 

"  Yes,  sir.  Quite  so.  Shortly  before  two,  sir,  one 
of  the  porters  from  the  hotel  came  over  to  recover  a 
gold  purse  Mrs.  Riley-Werkheimer  had  dropped  in  the 
excitement,  and  he  informed  Mr.  Poopendyke  that  the 
whole  party  was  leaving  at  four  for  Dresden.  I  asked 
particular  about  the  young  man,  sir,  and  he  said  they 
had  the  doctor  in  to  treat  his  stomach,  sir,  immediately 
after  they  got  back  to  the  hotel." 

"His  stomach?  But  I  distinctly  struck  him  on  the 
verso." 

"  I  know,  sir ;  but  it  seems  that  he  swallowed  his 
cigarette." 

To  my  shame,  I  joined  Britton  in  a  roar  of  laughter. 
[Afterwards  I  recalled,  with  something  of  a  shock,  that 
it  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever  heard  my  valet  laugh 
aloud.  He  appeared  to  be  in  some  distress  over  it 
himself,  for  he  tried  to  turn  it  off  into  a  violent  fit  of 
coughing.  He  is  such  a  faithful,  exemplary  servant 
that  I  made  haste  to  pound  him  on  the  back,  fearing 
the  worst.  I  could  not  get  on  at  all  without  Britton. 
He  promptly  recovered. 

"  I  beg  pardon,  sir,"  said  he.  "  Will  you  have  your 
shave  and  tub  now,  sir?  " 

Later  on,  somewhat  refreshed  and  relieved,  I  made 
my  way  to  the  little  balcony,  first  having  issued  nu- 
merous  orders  and  directions  to  the  still  stupefied 
Schmicks,  chief  among  which  was  an  inflexible  command 
to  keep  the  gates  locked  against  all  comers.  The  sun 
was  shining  brightly  over  the  western  hills,  and  the 
sky  was  clear  and  blue.  The  hour  was  five  I  found  on 
consulting  my  watch.  Naturally  my  first  impulse  was 
to  glance  up  at  the  still  loftier  balcony  in  the  east 


46  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

wing.  It  was  empty.  There  was  nothing  in  the  grim, 
formidable  prospect  to  warrant  the  impression  that 
any  one  dwelt  behind  those  dismantled  windows,  and  I 
experienced  the  vague  feeling  that  perhaps  it  had  been 
a  dream  after  all. 

Far  below  at  the  foot  of  the  shaggy  cliff  ran  the 
historic  Donau,  serene  and  muddy,  all  rhythmic  testi 
monials  to  the  contrary.  With  something  of  a  shudder 
I  computed  the  distance  from  my  eerie  perch  to  the 
rocks  at  the  bottom  of  the  cliff.  Five  hundred  feet, 
at  least;  an  impregnable  wall  of  nature  surmounted 
by  a  now  rank  and  obsolete  obstruction  built  by  the 
hand  of  man:  a  fortress  that  defied  the  legions  of  old 
but  to-day  would  afford  no  more  than  brief  and  even 
desultory  target  practice  for  a  smart  battery.  To 
scale  the  cliff,  however,  would  be  an  impossibility  for 
the  most  resourceful  general  in  the  world.  All  about 
me  were  turrets  and  minarets,  defeated  by  the  ancient 
and  implacable  foe  —  Time.  Shattered  crests  of 
towers  hung  above  me,  grey  and  forbidding,  yet  with 
out  menace  save  in  their  senile  prerogative  to  collapse 
without  warning.  Tiny  windows  marked  the  face  of 
my  still  sturdy  walls,  like  so  many  pits  left  by  the  pox, 
and  from  these  in  the  good  old  feudal  days  a  hundred 
marksmen  had  thrust  their  thunderous  blunderbusses 
to  clear  the  river  of  vain-glorious  foes.  From  the 
scalloped  bastions  cross-bowmen  of  even  darker  ages 
had  shot  their  random  bolts ;  while  in  the  niches  of 
lower  walls  futile  pikemen  waited  for  the  impossible  to 
happen :  the  scaling  of  the  cliff ! 

Friend  and  foe  alike  came  to  the  back  door  of 
Schloss  Rothhoefen,  and  there  found  welcome  or  stub 
born  obstacles  that  laughed  at  time  and  locksmiths: 
monstrous  gates  that  still  were  strong  enough  to  defy 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          47 

a  mighty  force.  There  was  my  great  stone-paved 
courtyard,  flanked  on  all  sides  by  disintegrating  build 
ings  once  occupied  by  serfs  and  fighting  men ;  the 
stables  in  which  chargers  and  beasts  of  burden  had 
slept  side  by  side  until  called  by  the  night's  work  or 
the  day's  work,  as  war  or  peace  prescribed,  ranged 
close  by  the  gates  that  opened  upon  the  steep,  winding 
roadway  that  now  dismayed  all  modern  steeds  save  the 
conquering  ass.  Here  too  were  the  remains  of  a  once 
noble  garden,  and  here  were  the  granaries  and  the 
storehouses. 

Far  below  me  were  the  dungeons,  with  dead  men's 
bones  on  their  dripping  floors ;  and  somewhere  in  the 
heart  of  the  peak  were  secret,  unknown  passages,  long 
since  closed  by  tumbling  rocks  and  earth,  as  darkly 
mysterious  as  the  streets  in  the  buried  cities  of  Egypt. 

Across  the  river  and  below  me  stood  the  walled-in 
town  that  paid  tribute  to  the  good  and  bad  Roth- 
hoefens  in  those  olden  days:  a  red-tiled,  gloomy  city 
that  stood  as  a  monument  to  long-dead  ambitions.  A 
peaceful,  quiet  town  that  had  survived  its  parlous 
centuries  of  lust  and  greed,  and  would  go  on  living  to 
the  end  of  time. 

So  here  I  sat  me  down,  almost  at  the  top  of  my  fancy, 
to  wonder  if  it  were  not  folly  as  well! 

Above  me  soared  huge  white-bellied  birds,  cousins 
germain  to  my  dreams,  but  alas !  infinitely  more  sen 
sible  in  that  they  roamed  for  a  more  sustaining  nourish 
ment  than  the  so-called  food  for  thought. 

I  looked  backward  to  the  tender  years  when  my 
valiant  young  heart  kept  pace  with  a  fertile  brain  in 
its  swiftest  flights,  and  pinched  myself  to  make  sure 
that  this  was  not  all  imagination.  Was  I  really  living 
in  a  feudal  castle  with  romance  shadowing  me  at  every 


48  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

step?  Was  this  I,  the  dreamer  of  twenty  years  ago? 
Or  was  I  the  last  of  the  Rothhoefens  and  not  John 
Bellamy  Smart,  of  Madison  Avenue,  New  York? 

The  sun  shone  full  upon  me  as  I  sat  there  in  my  little 
balcony,  but  I  liked  the  dry,  warm  glare  of  it.  To  be 
perfectly  frank,  the  castle  was  a  bit  damp.  I  had  had 
a  pain  in  the  back  of  my  neck  for  two  whole  days. 
The  sooner  I  got  at  my  novel  and  finished  it  up  the 
better,  I  reflected.  Then  I  could  go  off  to  the  baths 
somewhere.  But  would  I  ever  settle  down  to  work? 
Would  the  plumbers  ever  get  off  the  place?  (They 
were  the  ones  I  seemed  to  suspect  the  most.) 

Suddenly,  as  I  sat  there  ruminating,  I  became 
acutely  aware  of  something  white  on  the  ledge  of  the 
topmost  window  in  the  eastern  tower.  Even  as  I  fixed 
my  gaze  upon  it,  something  else  transpired.  A  cloud 
of  soft,  wavy,  luxurious  brown  hair  eclipsed  the  narrow 
white  strip  and  hung  with  spreading  splendour  over 
the  casement  ledge,  plainly,  indubitably  to  dry  in  the 
sun! 

My  neighbour  had  washed  her  hair! 

And  it  was  really  a  most  wonderful  head  of  hair. 
I  can't  remember  ever  having  seen  anything  like  it, 
except  in  the  advertisements. 

For  a  long  time  I  sat  there  trying  to  pierce  the 
blackness  of  the  room  beyond  the  window  with  my 
straining  eyes,  deeply  sensitive  to  a  curiosity  that  had 
as  its  basic  force  the  very  natural  anxiety  to  know 
what  disposition  she  had  made  of  the  rest  of  her  person 
in  order  to  obtain  this  rather  startling  effect. 

Of  course,  I  concluded,  she  was  lying  on  a  couch  of 
some  description,  with  her  head  in  the  window.  That 
was  quite  clear,  even  to  a  dreamer.  And  perhaps  she 
was  reading  a  novel  while  the  sun  shone.  My  fancy 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY         49 

went  to  the  remotest  ends  of  probability:  she  might 
even  be  reading  one  of  mine ! 

What  a  glorious,  appealing,  sensuous  thing  a  crown 
of  hair  —  but  just  then  Mr.  Poopendyke  came  to  my 
window. 

"  May  I  interrupt  you  for  a  moment,  Mr.  Smart?  " 
he  inquired,  as  he  squinted  at  me  through  his  ugly  bone- 
rimmed  glasses. 

"  Come  here,  Poopendyke,"  I  commanded  in  low,  ex 
cited  tones.  He  hesitated.  "  You  won't  fall  off,"  I 
said  sharply. 

Although  the  window  is  at  least  nine  feet  high, 
Poopendyke  stooped  as  he  came  through.  He  always 
does  it,  no  matter  how  tall  the  door.  It  is  a  life-long 
habit  with  him.  Have  I  mentioned  that  my  worthy 
secretary  is  six  feet  four,  and  as  thin  as  a  reed?  I 
remember  speaking  of  his  knees.  He  is  also  a 
bachelor. 

"  It  is  a  dreadful  distance  idown  there,"  he  mur 
mured,  flattening  himself  against  the  wall  and  closing 
his  eyes. 

A  pair  of  slim  white  hands  at  that  instant  indolently 
readjusted  the  thick  mass  of  hair  and  quite  as  casually 
disappeared.  I  failed  to  hear  Mr.  Poopendyke's  re 
mark. 

"  I  think,  sir,"  he  proceeded,  "  it  would  be  a  very 
good  idea  to  get  some  of  our  correspondence  off  our 
hands.  A  great  deal  of  it  has  accumulated  in  the  past 
few  weeks.  I  wish  to  say  that  I  am  quite  ready  to 
attend  to  it  whenever — " 

"  Time  enough  for  letters,"  said  I,  still  staring. 

"  We  ought  to  clean  them  all  up  before  we  begin  on 
the  romance,  sir.  That's  my  suggestion.  We  shan't 
feel  like  stopping  for  a  lot  of  silly  letters  —  By  the 


50  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

way,  sir,  when  do  you  expect  to  start  on  the  romance  ?  " 
He  usually  spoke  of  them  as  romances.  They  were 
not  novels  to  Poopendyke. 

I  came  to  my  feet,  the  light  of  adventure  in  my  eye. 

"  This  very  instant,  Poopendyke,"  I  exclaimed. 

His  face  brightened.     He  loves  work. 

"  Splendid !  I  will  have  your  writing  tablets  ready 
in—" 

"  First  of  all,  we  must  have  a  ladder.  Have  you 
seen  to  that  ?  " 

"A  ladder?"  he  faltered,  putting  one  foot  back 
through  the  window  in  a  most  suggestive  way. 

"  Oh,"  said  I,  remembering,  "  I  haven't  told  you, 
have  I?  Look!  Up  there  in  that  window.  Do  you 
see  that?  " 

"  What  is  it,  sir?     A  rug?  " 

"  Rug !  Great  Scott,  man,  don't  you  know  a 
woman's  hair  when  you  see  it?  " 

"  I've  never  —  er  —  never  seen  it  —  you  might  say 
—  just  like  that.  Is  it  hair?  " 

"  It  is.     You  do  see  it,  don't  you  ?  " 

"How  did  it  get  there?" 

"  Good !  Now  I  know  I'm  not  dreaming.  Come ! 
There's  no  time  to  be  lost.  We  may  be  able  to  get  up 
there  before  she  hears  us ! " 

I  was  through  the  window  and  half  way  across  the 
room  before  his  well-meant  protest  checked  me. 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  Mr.  Smart,  don't  be  too  hasty. 
We  can't  rush  in  upon  a  woman  unexpectedly  like  this. 
Who  knows?  She  may  be  entirely — "  He  caught 
himself  up  sharply,  blinked,  and  then  rounded  out  his 
sentence  in  safety  with  the  word  "  deshabille." 

I  was  not  to  be  turned  aside  by  drivel  of  that  sort; 
so,  with  a  scornful  laugh,  I  hurried  on  and  was  soon 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          51 

in  the  courtyard,  surrounded  by  at  least  a  score  of 
persons  who  madly  inquired  where  the  fire  was,  and 
wanted  to  help  me  to  put  it  out.  At  last  we  managed 
to  get  them  back  at  their  work,  and  I  instructed  old 
Conrad  to  have  the  tallest  ladder  brought  to  me  at 
once. 

"  There  is  no  such  thing  about  the  castle,"  he  an 
nounced  blandly,  puffing  away  at  his  enormous  pipe. 
His  wife  shook  her  head  in  perfect  serenity.  Somewhat 
dashed,  I  looked  about  me  in  quest  of  proof  that  they 
were  lying  to  me.  There  was  no  sign  of  anything  that 
even  resembled  a  ladder. 

"Where  are  your  sons?"  I  demanded. 

The  old  couple  held  up  their  hands  in  great  distress. 

"  Herr  Britton  has  them  working  their  souls  out, 
turning  a  windlass  outside  the  gates  —  ach,  that  ter 
rible  invention  of  his ! "  groaned  old  Conrad.  "  My 
poor  sons  are  faint  with  fatigue,  mein  herr.  You 
should  see  them  perspire, —  and  hear  them  pant  for 
breath." 

"  It  is  like  the  blowing  of  the  forge  bellows,"  cried 
his  wife.  "  My  poor  little  boys !  " 

"  Fetch  them  at  once  Conrad,"  said  I,  cudgelling 
my  brain  for  a  means  to  surmount  a  present  difficulty, 
and  but  very  slightly  interested  in  Britton's  noble  con 
traption. 

The  brothers  soon  appeared  and,  as  if  to  give  the 
lie  to  their  fond  parents,  puffed  complacently  at  their 
pipes  and  yawned  as  if  but  recently  aroused  from  a 
nap.  Their  sleeves  were  rolled  up  and  I  marvelled  at 
the  size  of  their  arms. 

"Is  Britton  dead?  "  I  cried,  suddenly  cold  with  the 
fear  that  they  had  mutinied  against  this  brusque  Eng 
lish  overlord. 


52  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

They  smiled.  "  He  is  waiting  to  be  pulled  up  again, 
sir,"  said  Max.  "  We  left  him  at  the  bottom  when  you 
sent  for  us.  It  is  for  us  to  obey." 

Of  course,  everything  had  to  wait  while  my  obedient 
vassals  went  forth  and  reeled  the  discomforted  Britton 
to  the  top  of  the  steep.  He  sputtered  considerably 
until  he  saw  me  laughing  at  him.  Instantly  he  was  a 
valet  once  more,  no  longer  a  crabbed  genius. 

I  had  thought  of  a  plan,  only  to  discard  it  on 
measuring  with  my  eye  the  distance  from  the  ground 
to  the  lowest  window  in  the  east  wing,  second  floor  back. 
Even  by  standing  on  the  shoulders  of  Rudolph,  who 
was  six  feet  five,  I  would  still  find  myself  at  least  ten 
feet  short  of  the  window  ledge.  Happily  a  new  idea 
(struck  me  almost  at  once. 

In  a  jiffy,  half  a  dozen  carpenters  were  at  work  con 
structing  a  substantial  ladder  out  of  scantlings,  while 
I  stood  over  them  in  serene  command  of  the  situation. 

The  Schmicks  segregated  themselves  and  looked  on, 
regarding  the  window  with  sly,  furtive  glances  in  which 
there  was  a  distinct  note  of  uneasiness. 

At  last  the  ladder  was  complete.  Resolutely  I 
mounted  to  the  top  and  peered  through  the  sashless 
window.  It  was  quite  black  and  repelling  beyond. 
Instructing  Britton  and  the  two  brothers  to  follow  me 
in  turn,  I  clambered  over  the  wide  stone  sill  and  lowered 
myself  gingerly  to  the  floor. 

I  will  not  take  up  the  time  or  the  space  to  relate 
my  experiences  on  this  first  fruitless  visit  to  the  east 
wing  of  my  abiding  place.  Suffice  to  say,  we  got  as 
far  as  the  top  of  the  stairs  in  the  vast  middle  corridor 
after  stumbling  through  a  series  of  dim,  damp  rooms, 
and  then  found  our  way  effectually  blocked  by  a 
stout  door  which  was  not  only  locked  and  bolted,  but 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          53 

bore  a  most  startling  admonition  to  would-be  trespas 
sers. 

Pinned  to  one  of  the  panels  there  was  a  dainty  bit  of 
white  note-paper,  with  these  satiric  words  written 
across  its  surface  in  a  bold,  feminine  hand: 

"  Please  keep  out.     This  is  private  property." 

Most  property  owners  no  doubt  would  have  been  in 
censed  by  this  calm  defiance  on  the  part  of  a  squatter, 
either  male  or  female,  but  not  I.  The  very  impudence 
of  the  usurper  appealed  to  me.  What  could  be  more 
delicious  than  her  serene  courage  in  dispossessing  me, 
with  the  stroke  of  a  pen,  of  at  least  two-thirds  of  my 
domicile,  and  what  more  exciting  than  the  thought  of 
waging  war  against  her  in  the  effort  to  regain  posses 
sion  of  it?  Really  it  was  quite  glorious!  Here  was 
a,  happy,  enchanting  bit  of  feudalism  that  stirred  my 
romantic  soul  to  its  very  depths.  I  was  being  defied 
by  a  woman  —  an  amazon !  Even  my  grasping  imag 
ination  could  not  have  asked  for  more  substantial 
returns  than  this.  To  put  her  to  rout !  To  storm  the 
castle!  To  make  her  captive  and  chuck  her  into  my 
dungeon !  Splendid ! 

We  returned  to  the  courtyard  and  held  a  counsel  of 
war.  I  put  all  of  the  Schmicks  on  the  grill,  but  they 
stubbornly  disclaimed  all  interest  in  or  knowledge  of 
the  extraordinary  occupant  of  the  east  wing. 

"  We  can  smoke  her  out,  sir,"  said  Britton. 

I  could  scarcely  believe  my  ears. 

"  Britton,"  said  I  severely,  "  you  are  a  brute.  I  am 
surprised.  You  forget  there  is  an  innocent  babe  — 
maybe  a  collection  of  them  —  over  there.  And  a  dog.. 
We  shan't  do  anything  heathenish,  Britton.  Please 
bear  that  in  mind.  There  is  but  one  way:  we  must 
storm  the  place.  I  will  not  be  defied  to  my  very  nose." 


54 

I  felt  it  to  see  if  it  was  not  a  little  out  of  joint.  "  It 
is  a  good  nose." 

"  It  is,  sir,"  said  Britton,  and  Poopendyke,  in  a 
perfect  ecstasy  of  loyalty,  shouted :  "  Long  live  your 
nose,  sir ! " 

My  German  vassals  waved  their  hats,  perceiving 
that  a  demonstration  was  required  without  in  the  least 
knowing  what  it  was  about. 

"  To-night  we'll  plan  our  campaign,"  said  I,  and 
then  returned  in  some  haste  to  my  balcony.  The  mists 
of  the  waning  day  were  rising  from  the  valley  below. 
The  smell  of  rain  was  in  the  air.  I  looked  in  vain  for 
the  lady's  tresses.  They  were  gone.  The  sun  was  also 
gone.  His  work  for  the  day  was  done.  I  wondered 
whether  she  was  putting  up  her  hair  with  her  own  fair 
hands  or  was  there  a  lady's  maid  in  her  menage. 

Poopendyke  and  I  dined  in  solemn  grandeur  in  the 
great  banquet  hall,  attended  by  the  clumsy  Max. 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  said  I,  after  Max  had  passed  me 
the  fish  for  the  second  time  on  my  right  side  —  and 
both  times  across  my  shoulder,- — "  we  must  engage  a 
butler  and  a  footman  to-morrow.  Likewise  a  chef. 
This  is  too  much." 

"  Might  I  suggest  that  we  also  engage  a  chamber 
maid  ?  The  beds  are  very  poorly  — " 

I  held  up  my  hand,  smiling  confidently. 

"  We  may  capture  a  very  competent  chambermaid 
before  the  beds  are  made  up  again,"  I  said,  with 
meaning. 

"  She  doesn't  write  like  a  chambermaid,"  he  reminded 
me. 

Whereupon  we  fell  to  studying  the  very  aristocratic 
chirography  employed  by  my  neighbour  in  barring  me 
from  my  own  possessions. 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          55 

After  the  very  worst  meal  that  Frau  Schmick  had 
ever  cooked,  and  the  last  one  that  Max  under  any  cir 
cumstance  would  be  permitted  to  serve,  I  took  myself 
off  once  more  to  the  enchanted  balcony.  I  was  full  of 
the  fever  of  romance.  A  perfect  avalanche  of  situ 
ations  had  been  tumbling  through  my  brain  for  hours, 
and,  being  a  provident  sort  of  chap  in  my  own  way, 
I  decided  to  jot  them  down  on  a  pad  of  paper  before 
they  quite  escaped  me  or  were  submerged  by  others. 

The  night  was  very  black  and  tragic,  swift  storm 
clouds  having  raced  up  to  cover  the  moon  and  stars. 
With  a  radiant  lanthorn  in  the  window  behind  me,  I 
sat  down  with  my  pad  and  my  pipe  and  my  pencil. 
The  storm  was  not  far  away.  I  saw  that  it  would  soon 
be  booming  about  my  stronghold,  and  realised  that  my 
fancy  would  have  to  work  faster  than  it  had  ever 
worked  before  if  half  that  I  had  in  mind  was  to  be  ac 
complished.  Why  I  should  have  courted  a  broken 
evening  on  the  exposed  balcony,  instead  of  beginning 
my  labours  in  my  study,  remains  an  unrevealed  mystery 
unless  we  charge  it  to  the  account  of  a  much-abused 
eccentricity  attributed  to  genius  and  which  usually 
turns  out  to  be  arrant  stupidity. 

I  have  no  patience  with  the  so-called  eccentricity 
of  genius.  It  is  merely  an  excuse  for  unkempt  hair, 
dirty  finger-nails,  unpolished  boots,  open  placquets, 
bad  manners  and  a  tendency  to  forget  pecuniary  obli 
gations,  to  say  nothing  of  such  trifles  as  besottedness, 
vulgarity  and  the  superior  knack  of  knowing  how  to 
avoid  making  suitable  provision  for  one's  wife  and 
children.  All  the  shabby  short-comings  in  the  charac 
ter  of  an  author,  artist  or  actor  are  blithely  charged 
to  genius,  and  we  are  content  to  let  it  go  at  that  for 
fear  that  other  people  may  think  we  don't  know  any 


56  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

better.  As  for  myself,  I  may  be  foolish  and  inconse 
quential,  but  heaven  will  bear  witness  that  I  am  not 
mean  enough  to  call  myself  a  genius. 

So  we  will  call  it  stupidity  that  put  me  where  I 
might  be  rained  upon  at  any  moment,  or  permanently 
interrupted  by  a  bolt  of  lightning.  (There  were  low 
mutterings  of  thunder  behind  the  hills,  and  faint 
flashes  as  if  a  monstrous  giant  had  paused  to  light 
his  pipe  on  the  evil,  wind-swept  peaks  of  the  Caucasus 
mountains.) 

I  was  scribbling  away  in  serene  contempt  for  the 
physical  world,  when  there  came  to  my  ears  a  sound 
that  gave  me  a  greater  shock  than  any  streak  of  light 
ning  could  have  produced  and  yet  left  sufficient  life 
in  me  to  appreciate  the  sensation  of  being  electrified. 

A  woman's  voice,  speaking  to  me  out  of  the  dark 
ness  and  from  some  point  quite  near  at  hand!  In 
deed,  I  could  have  sworn  it  was  almost  at  my  elbow; 
she  might  have  been  peering  over  my  shoulder  to  read 
my  thoughts. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  but  would  you  mind  doing  me 
a  slight  favour?  " 

Those  were  the  words,  uttered  in  a  clear,  sweet,  per 
fectly  confident  voice,  as  of  one  who  never  asked  for 
favours,  but  exacted  them. 

I  looked  about  me,  blinking,  utterly  bewildered. 
No  one  was  to  be  seen.  She  laughed.  Without  really 
meaning  to  do  so,  I  also  laughed, —  nervously,  of 
course. 

"  Can't  you  see  me?  "  she  asked.  I  looked  intently 
at  the  spot  from  which  the  sound  seemed  to  come:  a 
perfectly  solid  stone  block  less  than  three  feet  from 
my  right  shoulder.  It  must  have  been  very  amusing. 
She  laughed  again.  I  flushed  resentfully. 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          57 

"  Where  are  you  ?  "  I  cried  out  rather  tartly. 

"  I  can  see  you  quite  plainly,  and  you  are  very  ugly 
when  you  scowl,  sir.  Are  you  scowling  at  me?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  I  replied  truthfully,  still  search 
ing  for  her.  "  Does  it  seem  so  to  you?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Then  I  must  be  looking  in  the  right  direction,"  I 
cried  impolitely.  "  You  must  be  —  Ah !  " 

My  straining  eyes  had  located  a  small,  oblong 
blotch  in  the  curve  of  the  tower  not  more  than  twenty 
feet  from  where  I  stood,  and  on  a  direct  line  with  my 
balcony.  True,  I  could  not  at  first  see  a  face,  but 
as  my  eyes  grew  a  little  more  accustomed  to  the  dark 
ness,  I  fancied  I  could  distinguish  a  shadow  that  might 
pass  for  one. 

"  I  didn't  know  that  little  window  was  there,"  I 
cried,  puzzled. 

"  It  isn't,"  she  said.  "  It  is  a  secret  loop-hole,  and 
it  isn't  here  except  in  times  of  great  duress.  See!  I 
can  close  it."  The  oblong  blotch  abruptly  disap 
peared,  only  to  reappear  an  instant  later.  I  was  be 
ginning  to  understand.  Of  course  it  was  in  the 
beleaguered  east  wing !  "  I  hope  I  didn't  startle  you 
a  moment  ago." 

I  resolved  to  be  very  stiff  and  formal  about  it. 
"  May  I  enquire,  madam,  what  you  are  doing  in  my 
hou  —  my  castle  ?  " 

"  You  may." 

"  Well,"  said  I,  seeing  the  point,  "  what  are  you 
doing  here?  " 

"  I  am  living  here,"  she  answered  distinctly. 

"  So  I  perceive,"  said  I,  rather  too  distinctly. 

"  And  I  have  come  down  to  ask  a  simple,  tiny  little 
favour  of  you,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  resumed. 


58  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  You  know  my  name  ?  "  I  cried,  surprised. 

"  I  am  reading  your  last  book  —     Are  you  going?  " 

"  Just  a  moment,  please,"  I  called  out,  struck  by  a 
splendid  idea.  Reaching  inside  the  window  I  grasped 
the  lanthorn  and  brought  its  rays  to  bear  upon  the  — 
perfectly  blank  wall!  I  stared  open-mouthed  and  un 
believing.  "  Good  heaven !  Have  I  been  dreaming 
all  this  ?  "  I  cried  aloud. 

My  gaze  fell  upon  two  tiny  holes  in  the  wall,  ex 
posed  to  view  by  the  bright  light  of  my  lamp.  They 
appeared  to  be  precisely  in  the  centre  of  the  spot  so 
recently  marked  by  the  elusive  oblong.  Even  as  I 
stared  at  the  holes,  a  slim  object  that  I  at  once  recog 
nised  as  a  finger  protruded  from  one  of  them  and 
wiggled  at  me  in  a  merry  but  exceedingly  irritating 
manner. 

Sensibly  I  restored  the  lanthorn  to  its  place  inside 
the  window  and  waited  for  the  mysterious  voice  to  re 
sume. 

"  Are  you  so  homely  as  all  that  ?  "  I  demanded  when 
the  shadowy  face  looked  out  once  more.  Very  clever 
of  me,  I  thought. 

"  I  am  considered  rather  good-looking,"  she  replied, 
serenely.  "  Please  don't  do  that  again.  It  was  very 
rude  of  you,  Mr.  Smart." 

"  Oh,  I've  seen  something  of  you  before  this,"  I 
said.  "  You  have  long,  beautiful  brown  hair  —  and 
a  dog." 

She  was  silent. 

"  I  am  sure  you  will  pardon  me  if  I  very  politely 
ask  who  you  are?  ''  I  went  on. 

"  That  question  takes  me  back  to  the  favour.  Will 
you  be  so  very,  very  kind  as  to  cease  bothering  me, 
Mr.  Smart?  It  is  dreadfully  upsetting,  don't  you 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          59 

know,  feeling  that  at  any  moment  you  may  rush  in 
and  — " 

"  I  like  that.     In  my  own  castle,  too !  " 

"  There  is  ample  room  for  both  of  us,"  she  said 
sharply.  "  I  shan't  be  here  for  more  than  a  month  or 
six  weeks,  and  I  am  sure  we  can  get  along  very  amiably 
under  the  same  roof  for  that  length  of  time  if  you'll 
only  forget  that  I  am  here." 

"  I  can't  very  well  do  that,  madam.  You  see,  we 
are  making  extensive  repairs  about  the  place  and  you 
are  proving  to  be  a  serious  obstacle.  I  cannot  grant 
your  request.  It  will  grieve  me  enormously  if  I  am 
compelled  to  smoke  you  out  but  I  fear  — " 

"Smoke  me  out!" 

"  Perhaps  with  sulphur,"  I  went  on  resolutely.  "  It 
is  said  to  be  very  effective." 

"  Surely  you  will  not  do  anything  so  horrid." 

"  Only  as  a  last  resort.  First,  we  shall  storm  the 
east  wing.  Failing  in  that  we  shall  rely  on  smoke. 
You  will  admit  that  you  have  no  right  to  poach  on  my 
preserves." 

"  None  whatever,"  she  said,  rather  plaintively. 

I  can't  remember  having  heard  a  sweeter  voice  than 
hers.  Of  course,  by  this  time,  I  was  thoroughly  con 
vinced  that  she  was  a  lady, —  a  cultured,  high-bred 
lady, —  and  an  American.  I  was  too  densely  enveloped 
by  the  fogginess  of  my  own  senses  at  this  time,  how 
ever,  to  take  in  this  extraordinary  feature  of  the  case. 
Later  on,  in  the  seclusion  of  my  study,  the  full  force 
of  it  struck  me  and  I  marvelled. 

That  plaintive  note  in  her  voice  served  its  purpose. 
My  firmness  seemed  to  dissolve,  even  as  I  sought  to 
reinforce  it  by  an  injection  of  harshness  into  my  own 
manner  of  speech. 


60  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

**  Then  you  should  be  willing  to  vacate  my  premises 
er  —  or  " —  here  is  where  I  began  to  show  irresolute- 
ness  — "  or  explain  yourself." 

"  Won't  you  be  generous  ?  " 

I  cleared  my  throat  nervously.  How  well  they 
know  the  cracks  in  a  man's  armour! 

"  I  am  willing  to  be  —  amenable  to  reason.  That's 
all  you  ought  to  expect."  A  fresh  idea  took  root. 
u  Can't  we  effect  a  compromise?  A  truce,  or  some 
thing  of  the  sort?  All  I  ask  is  that  you  explain  your 
presence  here.  I  will  promise  to  be  as  generous  as 
possible  under  the  circumstances.'* 

"  Will  you  give  me  three  days  in  which  to  think  it 
over?  "  she  asked,  after  a  long  pause. 

"  No." 

"Well,  two  days?" 

"  I'll  give  you  until  to-morrow  afternoon  at  five, 
when  I  shall  expect  you  to  receive  me  in  person." 

"  That  is  quite  impossible." 

"  But  I  demand  the  right  to  go  wherever  I  please 
in  my  own  castle.  You — " 

"  If  you  knew  just  how  circumspect  I  am  obliged  to 
be  at  present  you  wouldn't  impose  such  terms,  Mr. 
Smart." 

"  Oho !  Circumspect !  That  puts  a  new  light  on 
the  case.  What  have  you  been  up  to,  madam  ? "  I 
spoke  very  severely. 

She  very  properly  ignored  the  banality.  "  If  I 
should  write  you  a  nice,  agreeable  letter,  explaining 
as  much  as  I  can,  won't  you  be  satisfied?  " 

"  I  prefer  to  have  it  by  word  of  mouth." 

She  seemed  to  be  considering.  "  I  will  come  to  this 
window  to-morrow  night  at  this  time  and  —  and  let 
you  know,"  she  said  reluctantly. 


I  CONVERSE  WITH  A  MYSTERY          61 

«  Very  well,"  said  I.     «  We'll  let  it  rest  till  then." 

"  And,  by  the  way,  I  have  something  more  to  ask 
of  you.  Is  it  quite  necessary  to  have  all  this  pound 
ing  and  hammering  going  on  in  the  castle?  The  noise 
is  dreadful.  I  don't  ask  it  on  my  own  account,  but 
for  the  baby.  You  see,  she's  quite  ill  with  a  fever, 
Mr.  Smart.  Perhaps  you've  heard  her  crying." 

"The  baby?"  I  muttered. 

"  It  is  nothing  serious,  of  course.  The  doctor  was 
here  to-day  and  he  reassured  me  — " 

"A  —  a  doctor  here  to-day  ?  "  I  gasped. 

She  laughed  once  more.  Verily,  it  was  a  gentle, 
high-bred  laugh. 

"  Will  you  please  put  a  stop  to  the  noise  for  a  day 
or  two  ?  "  she  asked,  very  prettily. 

"  Certainly,"  said  I  too  surprised  to  say  anything 
else.  "  Is ' —  is  there  anything  else  ?  " 

"  Nothing,  thank  you,"  she  replied.  Then : 
"  Good  night,  Mr.  Smart.  You  are  very  good." 

"  Don't  forget  to-morrow  — " 

But  the  oblong  aperture  disappeared  with  a  sharp 
click,  and  I  found  myself  staring  at  the  blank,  sphynx- 
like  wall. 

Taking  up  my  pad,  my  pipe  and  my  pencil,  and  leav 
ing  all  of  my  cherished  ideas  out  there  in  the  cruel 
darkness,  never  to  be  recovered, —  at  least  not  in  their 
original  form, —  I  scrambled  through  the  window, 
painfully  scraping  my  knee  in  passing,1 —  just  in  time 
to  escape  the  deluge. 

I  am  sure  I  should  have  enjoyed  a  terrific  drenching 
if  she  had  chosen  to  subject  me  to  it. 


CHAPTER    IV 

I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR 

TRUE  to  the  promise  she  had  extracted  from  me,  I 
laid  off  my  workmen  the  next  morning.  They  trooped 
in  bright  and  early,  considerably  augmented  by  fresh 
recruits  who  came  to  share  the  benefits  of  my  in 
nocuous  prodigality,  and  if  I  live  to  be  a  thousand  I 
shall  never  again  experience  such  a  noisome  half  hour 
as  the  one  I  spent  in  listening  to  their  indignant  pro 
tests  against  my  tyrannical  oppression  of  the  poor  and 
needy.  In  the  end,  I  agreed  to  pay  them,  one  and 
all,  for  a  full  day's  work,  and  they  went  away  mollified, 
calling  me  a  true  gentleman  to  my  face  and  heaven 
knows  what  to  my  back. 

I  spoke  gently  to  them  of  the  sick  baby.  With  one 
voice  they  all  shouted: 

"  But  our  babies  are  sick !  " 

One  octogenarian  —  a  carpenter's  apprentice  — 
heatedly  informed  me,  through  Schmick,  that  he  had  a 
child  two  weeks  old  that  would  die  before  morning  if 
deprived  of  proper  food  and  nourishment.  Somewhat 
impressed  by  this  pitiful  lament,  I  enquired  how  his 
wife  was  getting  along.  The  ancient,  being  in  a  placid 
state  of  senility,  courteously  thanked  me  for  my  inter 
est,  and  answered  that  she  had  been  dead  for  forty- 
nine  years,  come  September.  I  overlooked  the  slight 
discrepancy. 

During  the  remainder  of  the  day,  I  insisted  on  the 

utmost  quiet  in  our  wing  of  the  castle.     Poopendyke 

62 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  63 

was  obliged  to  take  his  typewriter  out  to  the  stables, 
where  I  dictated  scores  of  letters  to  him.  I  caught 
Britton  whistling  in  the  kitchen  about  noon-time,  and 
severely  reprimanded  him.  We  went  quite  to  the  ex 
treme,  however,  when  we  tiptoed  about  our  lofty  halls. 
All  of  the  afternoon  we  kept  a  sharp  lookout  for  the 
doctor,  but  if  he  came  we  were  none  the  wiser.  Brit- 
ton  went  into  the  town  at  three  with  the  letters  and  a 
telegram  to  my  friends  in  Vienna,  imploring  them  to 
iook  up  a  corps  of  efficient  servants  for  me  and  to  send 
them  on  post-haste.  I  would  have  included  a  request 
for  a  competent  nurse-maid  if  it  hadn't  been  for  a 
report  from  Poopendyke,  who  announced  that  he  had 
caught  a  glimpse  of  a  very  nursy  looking  person  at 
one  of  the  upper  windows  earlier  in  the  day. 

I  couldn't,  however,  for  the  life  of  me  understand 
why  my  neighbour  enjoined  such  rigid  silence  in  our 
part  of  the  castle  and  yet  permitted  that  confounded 
dog  of  hers  to  yowl  and  bark  all  day.  How  was  I  to 
know  that  the  beast  had  treed  a  lizard  in  the  lower  hall 
and  couldn't  dislodge  it? 

Britton  returned  with  news.  The  ferrymen,  with 
great  joy  in  the  telling,  informed  him  that  the  season 
for  tourists  parties  was  just  beginning  and  that  we 
might  expect,  with  them,  to  do  a  thriving  and  pros 
perous  business  during  the  next  month  or  two.  In 
deed,  word  already  had  been  received  by  the  tourists 
company's  agent  in  the  town  that  a  party  of  one  hun 
dred  and  sixty-nine  would  arrive  the  next  day  but  one 
from  Munchen,  bent  on  visiting  my  ruin.  In  great 
trepidation,  I  had  all  of  the  gates  and  doors  locked 
and  reinforced  by  sundry  beams  and  slabs,  for  I  knew 
the  overpowering  nature  of  the  collective  tourist. 

I  may  be  pardoned  if  I  digress  at  this  time  to  state 


64  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

that  the  party  of  one  hundred  and  sixty-nine,  both 
stern  and  opposite,  besieged  my  castle  on  the  next  day 
but  one,  with  the  punctuality  of  locusts,  and  despite 
all  of  my  precautions,  all  of  my  devices,  all  of  my  ob 
jections,  effected  an  entrance  and  over-ran  the  place 
like  a  swarm  of  ants.  The  feat  that  could  not  have 
been  accomplished  by  an  armed  force  was  successfully 
managed  by  a  group  of  pedagogues  from  Ohio,  to 
whom  "  Keep  off  the  Grass  "  and  "  No  Trespass  "  are 
signs  of  utter  impotence  on  the  part  of  him  who  puts 
them  up,  and  ever  shall  be,  world  without  end.  They 
came,  they  saw,  they  conquered,  and  they  tried  to  buy 
picture  postcards  of  me. 

I  mention  this  in  passing,  lest  you  should  be  dis 
appointed.  More  anon. 

Punctually  at  nine  o'clock,  I  was  in  the  balcony, 
thanking  my  lucky  stars  that  it  was  a  bright,  moonlit 
night.  There  was  every  reason  to  rejoice  in  the  pros 
pect  of  seeing  her  face  clearly  when  she  appeared  at 
her  secret  little  window.  Naturally,  I  am  too  much  of 
a  gentleman  to  have  projected  unfair  means  of  illumi 
nating  her  face,  such  as  the  use  of  a  pocket  electric 
lamp  or  anything  of  that  sort.  I  am  nothing  if  not 
gallant, —  when  it  comes  to  a  pinch.  Besides,  I  was 
reasonably  certain  that  she  would  wear  a  thick  black 
veil.  In  this  I  was  wrong.  She  wore  a  white,  filmy 
one,  but  it  served  the  purpose.  I  naturally  concluded 
that  she  was  homely. 

"  Good  evening,"  she  said,  on  opening  the  window. 

"  Good  evening,"  said  I,  contriving  to  conceal  my 
disappointment.  "  How  is  the  baby  ?  " 

"  Very  much  better,  thank  you.  It  was  so  good  of 
you  to  stop  the  workmen." 

"  Won't  you  take  off  your  veil  and  stay  awhile  ?  " 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  65 

I  asked,  politely  facetious.  "  It  isn't  quite  fair  to 
me,  you  know." 

Her  next  remark  brought  a  blush  of  confusion  to 
my  cheek.  A  silly  notion  had  induced  me  to  don  my 
full  evening  regalia,  spike-tail  coat  and  all.  Nothing 
could  have  been  more  ludicrously  incongruous  than  my 
appearance,  I  am  sure,  and  I  never  felt  more  uncom 
fortable  in  my  life. 

"  How  very  nice  you  look  in  your  new  suit,"  she 
said,  and  I  was  aware  of  a  muffled  quality  in  her  ordi 
narily  clear,  musical  voice.  She  was  laughing  at  me. 
*'  Are  you  giving  a  dinner  party?" 

"  I  usually  dress  for  dinner,"  I  lied  with  some 
haughtiness.  "  And  so  does  Poopendyke,"  I  added  as 
an  afterthought.  My  blush  deepened  as  I  recalled 
the  attenuated  blazer  in  which  my  secretary  break 
fasted,  lunched  and  dined  without  discrimination. 

"  For  Gretel's  benefit,  I  presume." 

"Aha!     You  do  know  Gretel,  then?" 

"  Oh,  I've  known  her  for  years.  Isn't  she  a  quaint 
old  dear?" 

"  I  shall  discharge  her  in  the  morning,"  said  I  se 
verely.  "  She  is  a  liar  and  her  husband  is  a  poltroon. 
They  positively  deny  your  existence  in  any  shape  or 
form." 

"  They  won't  pay  any  attention  to  you,"  said  she, 
with  a  laugh.  "  They  are  fixtures,  quite  as  much  so 
as  the  walls  themselves.  You'll  not  be  able  to  dis 
charge  them.  My  grandfather  tried  it  fifty  years 
ago  and  failed.  After  that  he  made  it  a  point  to  dis 
miss  Conrad  every  day  in  the  year  and  Gretel  every 
other  day.  As  well  try  to  remove  the  mountain,  Mr. 
Smart.  They  know  you  can't  get  on  without  them." 

"  I  have   discharged  her   as   a   cook,"   I   said,   tri- 


66  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

umphantly.  "  A  new  one  will  be  here  by  the  end  of 
the  week." 

"  Oh,"  she  sighed  plaintively,  "  how  glad  I  am.  She 
is  an  atrocious  cook.  I  don't  like  to  complain,  Mr. 
Smart,  but  really  it  is  getting  so  that  I  can't  eat 
anything  she  sends  up.  It  is  jolly  of  you  to  get  in  a 
new  one.  Now  we  shall  be  very  happy." 

"  By  Jove !  "  said  I,  completely  staggered  by  these 
revelations.  Unable  to  find  suitable  words  to  express 
my  sustained  astonishment,  I  repeated :  "  By  Jove !  " 
but  in  a  subdued  tone. 

"  I  have  thought  it  over,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  went  on 
in  a  business-like  manner,  "  and  I  believe  we  will  get 
along  much  better  together  if  we  stay  apart." 

Ambiguous  remarks  ordinarily  reach  my  intelligence, 
but  I  was  so  stunned  by  preceding  admissions  that  I 
could  only  gasp: 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you've  been  subsisting  all  this 
time  on  my  food?  " 

"  Oh,  dear  me,  no !  How  can  you  think  that  of  me  ? 
Gretel  merely  cooks  the  food  I  buy.  She  keeps  a  dis 
tinct  and  separate  account  of  everything,  poor  thing. 
I  am  sure  you  will  not  find  anything  wrong  with  your 
bills,  Mr.  Smart.  But  did  you  hear  what  I  said  a 
moment  ago  ?  " 

"  I'm  not  quite  sure  that  I  did." 

"  I  prefer  to  let  matters  stand  just  as  they  are. 
Why  should  we  discommode  each  other?  We  are  per' 
fectly  satisfied  as  we  — " 

"  I  will  not  have  my  new  cook  giving  notice,  madam. 
You  surely  can't  expect  her  —  or  him  —  to  prepare 
meals  for  two  separate  — " 

"  I  hadn't  thought  of  that,"  she  interrupted  rue 
fully.  "  Perhaps  if  I  were  to  pay  her  —  or  him  — 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  67 

extra  wages  it  would  be  all  right,"  she  added,  quickly. 
"  We  do  not  require  much,  you  know." 

I  laughed  rather  shortly, —  meanly,  I  fear. 

"  This  is  most  extraordinary,  madam !  " 

"  I  —  I  quite  agree  with  you.  I'm  awfully  sorry  it 
had  to  turn  out  as  it  has.  Who  would  have  dreamed 
of  your  buying  the  place  and  coming  here  to  upset 
everything?  " 

I  resolved  to  be  firm  with  her.  She  seemed  to  be 
taking  too  much  for  granted.  "  Much  as  I  regret  it, 
madam,  I  am  compelled  to  ask  you  to  evacuate  —  to 
get  out,  in  fact.  This  sort  of  thing  can't  go  on." 

She  was  silent  for  so  long  that  I  experienced  a  slow 
growth  of  compunction.  Just  as  I  was  on  the  point 
of  slightly  receding  from  my  position,  she  gave  me  an 
other  shock. 

"  Don't  you  think  it  would  be  awfully  convenient  if 
you  had  a  telephone  put  in,  Mr.  Smart?  "  she  said. 
"  It  is  such  a  nuisance  to  send  Max  or  Rudolph  over 
to  town  every  whip-stitch  on  errands  when  a  telephone 
—  in  your  name,  of  course  —  would  be  so  much  more 
satisfactory." 

"  A  telephone !  "  I  gasped. 

"  Circumstances  make  it  quite  unwise  for  me  to  have 
a  telephone  in  my  own  name,  but  you  could  have  one 
in  yours  without  creating  the  least  suspicion.  You 
are—" 

"  Madam,"  I  cried,  and  got  no  farther. 

"  —  perfectly  free  to  have  a  telephone  if  you  want 
one,"  she  continued.  "  The  doctor  came  this  evening 
and  it  really  wasn't  necessary.  Don't  you  see  you 
could  have  telephoned  for  me  and  saved  him  the  trip?  " 

It  was  due  to  the  most  stupendous  exertion  of  self- 
restraint  on  my  part  that  I  said :  "  Well,  I'll  be  — • 


68  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

jiggered,"  instead  of  something  a  little  less  unique. 
Her  audacity  staggered  me.  (I  was  not  prepared  at 
that  time  to  speak  of  it  as  superciliousness.) 

"  Madam,"  I  exploded,  "  will  you  be  good  enough  to 
listen  to  me?  I  am  not  to  be  trifled  with.  To-morrow 
sometime  I  shall  enter  the  east  wing  of  this  building  if 
I  have  to  knock  down  all  the  doors  on  the  place.  Do 
you  understand,  madam?  " 

"  I  do  hope,  Mr.  Smart,  you  can  arrange  to  break  in 
about  five  o'clock.  It  will  afford  me  a  great  deal  of 
pleasure  to  give  you  some  tea.  May  I  expect  you  at 
five ' —  or  thereabouts  ?  " 

Her  calmness  exasperated  me.  I  struck  the  stone 
balustrade  an  emphatic  blow  with  my  fist,  sorely  peel 
ing  the  knuckles,  and  ground  out: 

"  For  two  cents  I'd  do  it  to-night !  " 

"  Oh,  dear, —  oh,  dear !  "  she  cried  mockingly. 

"  You  must  be  a  dreadful  woman,"  I  cried  out. 
"  First,  you  make  yourself  at  home  in  my  house ;  then 
you  succeed  in  stopping  my  workmen,  steal  my  cook 
and  men-servants,  keep  us  all  awake  with  a  barking 
dog,  defying  me  to  my  very  face  — " 

"  How  awfully  stern  you  are !  " 

"  I  don't  believe  a  word  you  say  about  a  sick  baby, 

—  or    a    doctor !     It's    all    poppy-cock.     To-morrow 
you  will  find  yourself,  bag  and  baggage;  sitting  at  the 
bottom  of  this  hill,  waiting  for — " 

"  Wait !  "  she  cried.  "  Are  you  really,  truly  in  ear 
nest?  " 

"  Most  emphatically !  " 

"  Then  I  —  I  shall  surrender,"  she  said,  very  slowly, 

—  and  seriously,  I  was  glad  to  observe. 

"  That's  more  like  it,"  I  cried,  enthusiastically. 
"  On  one   condition,"  she  said.     "  You  must  agree 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  69 

in  advance  to  let  me  stay  on  here  for  a  month  or  two. 
It  —  it  is  most  imperative,  Mr.  Smart." 

"I  shall  be  the  sole  judge  of  that,  madam,"  I  re 
torted,  with  some  dignity.  "  By  the  way,"  I  went  on, 
knitting  my  brows,  "  how  am  I  to  get  into  your  side 
of  the  castle?  Schmick  says  he's  lost  the  keys." 

A  good  deal  depended  on  her  answer. 

"  They  shall  be  delivered  to  you  to-morrow  morn 
ing,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said,  soberly.  "  Good  night." 

The  little  window  closed  with  a  snap  and  I  was  left 
alone  in  the  smiling  moonlight.  I  was  vastly  excited, 
even  thrilled  by  the  prospect  of  a  sleepless  night. 
Something  told  me  I  wouldn't  sleep  a  wink,  and  yet  I, 
who  bitterly  resent  having  my  sleep  curtailed  in  the 
slightest  degree,  held  no  brief  against  circumstances. 
In  fact,  I  rather  revelled  in  the  promise  of  nocturnal 
distraction.  Fearing,  however,  that  I  might  drop  off 
to  sleep  at  three  or  four  o'clock  and  thereby  run  the 
risk  of  over  sleeping,  I  dashed  off  to  the  head  of  the 
stairs  and  shouted  for  Britton. 

"  Britton,"  I  said.  "  I  want  to  be  called  at  seven 
o'clock  sharp  in  the  morning."  Noting  his  polite 
struggle  to  conceal  his  astonishment,  I  told  him  of  my 
second  encounter  with  the  lady  across  the  way. 

"  She  won't  be  expecting  you  at  seven,  sir,"  he  re 
marked.  "  And,  as  for  that,  she  may  be  expecting  to 
call  on  you,  instead  of  the  other  way  round." 

"  Right !  "  said  I,  considerably  dashed. 

"  Besides,  sir,  would  it  not  be  safer  to  wait  till  the 
tourist  party  has  come  and  gone  ?  " 

"  No  tourists  enter  this  place  to-morrow  or  any 
other  day,"  I  declared,  firmly. 

"  Well,  I'd  suggest  waiting  just  the  same,  sir,"  said 
he,  evidently  inspired. 


70  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Confound  them,"  I  growled,  somehow  absorbing 
his  presentiment. 

He  hesitated  for  a  moment  near  the  door. 

"Will  you  put  in  the  telephone,  sir?  "  he  asked,  re 
spectfully. 

Very  curiously,  I  was  thinking  of  it  at  that  instant. 

"  It  really  wouldn't  be  a  bad  idea,  Britton,"  I  said, 
startled  into  committing  myself.  "  Save  us  a  great 
deal  of  legging  it  over  town  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
eh?" 

"Yes,  sir.  What  I  was  about  to  suggest,  sir,  is 
that  while  we're  about  it  we  might  as  well  have  a  sys 
tem  of  electric  bells  put  in.  That  is  to  say,  sir,  in 
both  wings  of  the  castle.  Very  convenient,  sir,  you 
see,  for  all  parties  concerned." 

"  I  see,"  said  I,  impressed.  And  then  repeated  it,  a 
little  more  impressed  after  reflection.  "  I  see.  You 
are  a  very  resourceful  fellow,  Britton.  I  am  inclined 
to  bounce  all  of  the  Schmicks.  They  have  known  about 
this  from  the  start  and  have  lied  like  thieves.  By 
Jove,  she  must  have  an  extraordinary  power  over  them, 
-,—  or  claim, —  or  something  equally  potent.  Now  I 
think  of  it,  she  mentioned  a  grandfather.  That  would 
go  to  prove  she's  related  in  some  way  to  some  one, 
wouldn't  it?  " 

"  I  should  consider  it  to  be  more  than  likely,  sir," 
said  Britton,  with  a  perfectly  straight  face.  He  must 
have  been  sorely  tried  in  the  face  of  my  inane  maunder- 
ings.  "  Pardon  me,  sir,  but  wouldn't  it  be  a  tip-top 
idea  to  have  it  out  with  the  Schmicks  to-night?  Be 
ing,  sir,  as  you  anticipate  a  rather  wakeful  night,  I 
only  make  so  bold  as  to  suggest  it  in  the  hopes  you 
may  'ave  some  light  on  the  subject  before  you  close 
your  eyes.  In^other  words,  sir,  so  as  you  won't  be 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  71 

altogether  in  the  dark  when  morning  comes.  See 
wot  I  mean?  " 

"  Excellent  idea,  Britton.  We'll  have  them  up  in 
my  study." 

He  went  off  to  summon  my  double-faced  servitors, 
while  I  wended  my  way  to  the  study.  There  I  found 
Mr.  Poopendyke,  sound  asleep  in  a  great  arm-chair, 
both  his  mouth  and  his  nose  open  and  my  first  novel 
also  open  in  his  lap. 

Conrad  and  Gretel  appeared  with  Britton  after  an 
unconscionable  lapse  of  time,  partially  dressed  and 
grumbling. 

"Where  are  your  sons?"  I  demanded,  at  once  sus 
picious. 

Conrad  shook  his  sparsely  covered  head  and  mumbled 
something  about  each  being  his  brother's  keeper,  all 
of  which  was  Greek  to  me  until  Britton  explained  that 
they  were  not  to  be  found  in  their  customary  quarters, 
—  that  is  to  say,  in  bed.  Of  course  it  was  quite  clear 
to  me  that  my  excellent  giants  were  off  somewhere, 
serving  the  interests  of  the  bothersome  lady  in  the 
east  wing. 

"  Conrad,"  said  I,  fixing  the  ancient  with  a  stern, 
compelling  gaze,  "  this  has  gone  quite  far  enough." 

"  Yes,  mein  herr?  " 

"  Do  you  serve  me,  or  do  you  serve  the  lady  in  the 
east  wing?  " 

"  I  do,"  said  he,  with  a  great  deal  more  wit  than 
I  thought  he  possessed.  For  a  moment  I  was  speech 
less,  but  not  for  the  reason  you  may  suspect.  I  was 
trying  to  fix  my  question  and  his  response  quite  clearly 
in  my  memory  so  that  I  might  employ  them  later  in 
the  course  of  a  conversation  between  characters  in  my 
forthcoming  novel. 


72  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  I  have  been  talking  with  the  lady  this  evening," 
said  I. 

"  Yes,  mein  herr ;  I  know,"  said  he. 

"  Oh,  you  do,  eh?  Well,  will  you  be  good  enough 
to  tell  me  v/hat  the  devil  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  two- 
faced,  underhanded  conduct  on  your  part  ?  " 

He  lowered  his  head,  closed  his  thin  lips  and  fumbled 
with  the  hem  of  his  smock  in  a  significantly  sullen  man 
ner.  It  was  evident  that  he  meant  to  defy  me.  His 
sharp  little  eyes  sent  a  warning  look  at  Gretel,  who  in 
stantly  ceased  her  mutterings  and  gave  over  asking 
God  to  bear  witness  to  something  or  other.  She  was 
always  dragging  in  the  Deity. 

"  Now,  see  here,  Conrad,  I  want  the  truth  from  you. 
Who  is  this  woman,  and  why  are  you  so  infernally 
set  upon  shielding  her?  What  crime  has  she  com 
mitted?  Tell  me  at  once,  or,  by  the  Lord  Harry,  out 
you  go  to-morrow, —  all  of  you." 

"  I  am  a  very  old  man,"  he  whined,  twisting  his 
gnarled  fingers,  a  suggestion  of  tears  in  his  voice. 
*'  My  wife  is  old,  mein  herr.  You  would  not  be  cruel. 
We  have  been  here  for  sixty  years.  The  old  baron  — " 

"  Enough !  "  I  cried  resolutely.  "  Out  with  it,  man. 
I  mean  all  that  I  say." 

He  was  still  for  a  long  time,  looking  first  at  the 
floor  and  then  at  me ;  furtive,  appealing,  uncertain 
little  glances  from  which  he  hoped  to  derive  comfort 
by  catching  me  with  a  twinkle  in  my  eye.  I  have  a 
stupid,  weak  way  of  letting  a  twinkle  appear  there 
even  when  I  am  trying  to  be  harsh  and  domineering. 
Britton  has  noticed  it  frequently,  I  am  sure,  and  I 
think  he  rather  depends  upon  it.  But  now  I  realised, 
if  never  before,  that  to  betray  the  slightest  sign  of 
gentleness  would  be  to  forever  forfeit  my  standing  as 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  73 

master  in  my  own  house.  Conrad  saw  no  twinkle. 
He  began  to  weaken. 

"  To-morrow,  mem  herr,  to-morrow,"  he  mumbled, 
in  a  final  plea.  I  shook  my  head.  "  She  will  explain 
everything  to-morrow,"  he  went  on  eagerly.  "  I  am 
sworn  to  reveal  nothing,  mein  herr.  My  wife,  too, 
and  my  sons.  We  may  not  speak  until  she  gives  the 
word.  Alas !  we  shall  be  turned  out  to  die  in  our  — " 

"  We  have  been  faithful  servants  to  the  Rothhoefens 
for  sixty  years,"  sobbed  his  wife. 

"  And  still  are,  I  suspect,"  I  cried  angrily. 

"  Ach,  mein  herr,  mein  herr ! "  protested  Conrad, 
greatly  perturbed. 

"  Where  are  the  keys,  you  old  rascal?  "  I  demanded 
so  sternly  that  even  Poopendyke  was  startled. 

Conrad  almost  resorted  to  the  expediency  of  grovel 
ling.  "  Forgive !  forgive !  "  he  groaned.  "  I  have 
done  only  what  was  best." 

"  Produce  the  keys,  sir !  " 

"  But  not  to-night,  not  to-night,"  he  pleaded. 
"  She  will  be  very  angry.  She  will  not  like  it,  mein 
herr.  Ach,  Gott!  She  will  drive  us  out,  she  will 
shame  us  all !  Ach,  and  she  who  is  so  gentle  and  so 
unhappy  and  so  —  so  kind,  to  all  of  us !  I  —  I  cannot 
—  I  cannot !  No !  " 

Mr.  Poopendyke's  common  sense  came  in  very  handily 
at  this  critical  juncture.  He  counselled  me  to  let  the 
matter  rest  until  the  next  morning,  when,  it  was  rea 
sonable  to  expect,  the  lady  herself  would  explain  every 
thing.  Further  appeal  to  Schmick  was  like  butting 
one's  head  against  a  stone  wall,  he  said.  Moreover, 
Conrad's  loyalty  to  the  lady  was  most  commendable. 

Conrad  and  Gretel  beamed  on  Poopendyke.  They 
thanked  him  so  profoundly,  that  I  couldn't  help  feel- 


74  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

ing  a  bit  sorry  for  myself,  a  tyrant  without  a  back 
bone. 

"  Jah,  jah!  "  Conrad  cried  gladly.  "  To-morrow  she 
will  explain.  Time  enough,  Herr  Poopendyke.  Time 
enough,  eh  ?  " 

"  Well,"  said  I,  somewhat  feebly,  "  where  do  I  come 
in?" 

They  caught  the  note  of  surrender  in  my  voice  and 
pounced  upon  their  opportunity.  Before  they  had 
finished  with  me,  it  was  quite  thoroughly  established 
that  I  was  not  to  come  in  at  all  until  my  neighbour 
was  ready  to  admit  me.  They  convinced  me  that  I  was 
a  meek,  futile  suppliant  and  not  the  master  of  a  feudal 
stronghold.  Somehow  I  was  made  to  feel  that  if  I 
didn't  behave  myself  I  stood  in  considerable  danger  of 
being  turned  off  the  place. 

However,  we  forced  something  out  of  Schmick  be 
fore  his  stalwart  sons  came  tramping  up  the  stairs  to 
rescue  him.  The  old  man  gave  us  a  touch  of  inside 
history  concerning  Schloss  Rothhoefen  and  its  erst 
while  powerful  barons,  not  to  minimise  in  the  least 
sense  the  peculiar  prowess  of  the  present  Amazon  who 
held  forth  to-night  in  the  east  wing  and  who,  I  had 
some  reason  to  suspect,  was  one  of  the  family  despite 
the  unmistakable  flavour  of  Fifth  Avenue  and  New 
port. 

About  the  middle  of  the  nineteenth  century  the  last 
of  the  real  barons,1 —  the  powerful,  land-owning, 
despotic  barons,  I  mean, —  came  to  the  end  of  his  four 
score  years  and  ten,  and  was  laid  away  with  great 
pomp  and  glee  by  the  people  of  the  town  across  the 
river.  He  was  the  last  of  the  Rothhoefens,  for  he  left 
no  male  heir.  His  two  daughters  had  married  Aus 
trian  noblemen,  and  neither  of  them  produced  a  male 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  75 

descendant.  The  estate,  already  in  a  state  of  finan 
cial  as  well  as  physical  disintegration,  fell  into  the 
hands  of  women,  and  went  from  bad  to  worse  so  rap 
idly  that  long  before  the  last  quarter  of  the  century 
was  fairly  begun  the  castle  and  the  reduced  holdings 
slipped  away  from  the  Rothhoefens  altogether  and  into 
the  control  of  the  father  of  the  Count  from  whom  I 
purchased  the  property.  The  Count's  father,  it  ap 
pears,  was  a  distiller  of  great  wealth  in  his  day,  and 
a  man  of  action.  Unfortunately  he  died  before  he  had 
the  chance  to  carry  out  his  projects  in  connection 
with  the  rehabilitation  of  Schloss  Rothhoef  en,  even  then 
a  deserted,  ramshackle  resort  for  paying  tourists  and 
a  Mecca  for  antique  and  picture  dealers. 

The  new  Count  —  my  immediate  predecessor  —  was 
not  long  in  dissipating  the  great  fortune  left  by  his 
father,  the  worthy  distiller.  He  had  run  through 
with  the  bulk  of  his  patrimony  by  the  time  he  was 
twenty-five  and  was  pretty  much  run  down  at  the  heel 
when  he  married  in  the  hope  of  recouping  his  lost  for 
tune,  r 

The  Schmicks  did  not  like  him.  They  ilid  not  ap 
prove  of  him  as  lord  and  master,  nor  was  it  possible 
for  them  to  resign  themselves  Jo  the  fate  that  had  put 
this  young  scapegrace  into  the  shoes,  so  to  speak,  of 
the  grim  old  barons  Rothhoefen,  who  whatever  else 
they  may  have  been  in  a  high-handed  sort  of  way  were 
men  to  the  core.  This  pretender,  this  creature  with 
out  brains  or  blood,  this  sponging  reprobate,  was  not 
to  their  liking,  if  I  am  to  quote  Conrad,  who  became 
quite  forceful  in  his  harangue  against  the  recent  order 
of  things. 

He,  his  wife  and  his  sons,  he  assured  me,  were  full 
of  rejoicing  when  they  learned  that  the  castle  had 


76  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

passed  from  Count  Hohendahl's  hands  into  mine.  I, 
at  least,  would  pay  them  their  wages  and  I  might,  in 
a  pinch,  be  depended  upon  to  pension  them  when  they 
got  too  old  to  be  of  any  use  about  the  castle. 

At  any  rate,  it  seems,  I  was  a  distinct  improvement 
over  the  Count,  who  had  been  their  master  for  a  dozen 
very  lean  and  unprofitable  years.  Things  might  be 
expected  to  look  up  a  bit,  with  me  at  the  head  of  the 
house.  Was  it  not  possible  for  a  new  and  mighty  race 
to  rise  and  take  the  place  of  the  glorious  Rothhoefens? 
A  long  line  of  Baron  Schmarts?  With  me  as  the 
prospective  root  of  a  thriving  family  tree !  At  least, 
that  is  what  Conrad  said,  and  I  may  be  pardoned  for 
quoting  him. 

I  am  truly  sorry  the  old  rascal  put  it  into  my 
head. 

But  the  gist  of  the  whole  matter  was  this :  There 
are  no  more  Rothhoefens,  and  soon,  God  willing,  there 
would  be  no  more  Hohendahls.  Long  live  the 
Schmarts !  Conrad  invariably  pronounced  my  name 
with  the  extra  consonants  and  an  umlaut. 

All  attempts  on  my  part  to  connect  the  lady  in  the 
east  wing  with  the  history  of  the  extinct  Rothhoefens 
were  futile.  He  would  not  commit  himself. 

"  Well,"  said  I,  yawning  in  helpless  collusion  with 
the  sleepy  Gretel,  "  we'll  let  it  go  over  till  morning. 
Call  me  at  seven,  Britton." 

Conrad  made  haste  to  assure  me  that  the  lady  would 
not  receive  me  before  eleven  o'clock.  He  begged  me 
to  sleep  till  nine,  and  to  have  pleasant  dreams. 

I  went  to  bed  but  not  to  sleep.  It  was  very  clear 
to  me  that  my  neighbour  was  a  disturber  in  every 
sense  of  the  word.  She  wouldn't  let  me  sleep.  For 
two  hours  I  tried  to  get  rid  of  her,  but  she  filtered  into 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  77 

my  brain  and  prodded  my  thoughts  into  the  most  vio 
lent  activity.  She  wouldn't  stay  put. 

My  principal  thoughts  had  to  do  with  her  identity. 
Somehow  I  got  it  into  my  head  that  she  was  one  of 
the  female  Rothhoefens,  pitiable  nonentities  if  Conrad's 
estimate  is  to  be  accepted.  A  descendant  of  one  of 
those  girl-bearing  daughters  of  the  last  baron!  It 
sounded  very  agreeable  to  my  fancy's  ear,  and  I 
cuddled  the  hope  that  my  surmise  was  not  altogether 
preposterous. 

My  original  contention  that  she  was  a  poor  relation 
of  old  Schmick  and  somewhat  dependent  upon  him  for 
charity  —  to  say  the  least  —  had  been  set  aside  for 
more  reliable  convictions.  Instead  of  being  dependent 
upon  the  Schmicks,  she  seemed  to  be  in  an  exalted  posi 
tion  that  gave  her  a  great  deal  more  power  over  them 
than  even  I  possessed:  they  served  her,  not  me.  From 
time  to  time  there  occurred  to  me  the  thought  that  my 
own  position  in  the  household  was  rather  an  ignoble 
one,  and  that  I  was  a  very  weak  and  incompetent  suc 
cessor  to  baronial  privileges,  to  say  nothing  of  rights. 
A  real  baron  would  have  had  her  out  of  there  before 
you  could  mention  half  of  Jack  Robinson,  and  there 
wouldn't  have  been  any  sleep  lost  over  distracting 
puzzles.  I  deplored  my  lack  of  bad  manners. 

It  was  quite  reasonable  to  assume  that  she  was 
young,  but  the  odds  were  rather  against  her  being 
beautiful.  Pretty  women  usually  adjure  such  precau 
tions  as  veils.  Still,  this  was  speculation,  and  my 
reasoning  is  not  always  sound,  for  which  I  sometimes 
thank  heaven.  She  had  a  baby.  At  least,  I  suppose 
it  was  hers.  If  not,  whose  ?  This  set  me  off  on  a  new 
and  apparently  endless  round  of  speculation,  obviously 
silly  and  sentimental. 


78  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Now  I  have  humbly  tried  to  like  babies.  My 
adolescent  friends  and  acquaintances  have  done  their 
best  to  educate  me  along  this  particular  line,  with  the 
result  that  I  suppose  I  despise  more  babies  than  any 
man  in  the  world.  My  friends,  it  would  appear,  are 
invariably  married  to  each  .other  and  they  all  have 
babies  for  me  to  go  into  false  ecstasies  over.  No  doubt 
babies  are  very  nice  when  they  don't  squawk  or  pull 
your  nose  or  jab  you  in  the  eye,  but  through  some 
strange  and  prevailing  misfortune  I  have  never  en 
countered  one  when  it  was  asleep.  If  they  are  asleep, 
the  parents  compel  me  to  walk  on  tip-toe  and  speak 
in  whispers  at  long  range ;  the  instant  they  awake  and 
begin  to  yawp,  I  am  ushered  into  the  presence,  or 
vice  versa,  and  the  whole  world  grows  very  small  and 
congested  and  is  carried  about  in  swaddling  clothes- 
There  is  but  one  way  for  a  bachelor  to  overcome 
his  horror  of  babies,  and  he  shouldn't  wait  too  long. 
I  went  to  sleep  about  four  o'clock,  still  oppressed 
by  the  dread  of  meeting  a  new  baby. 

My  contact  with  the  one  hundred  and  sixty-nine 
sight-seers  was  brief  but  exceedingly  convincing. 
They  invaded  the  castle  before  I  was  out  of  bed,  having 
—  as  I  afterwards  heard  —  the  breweries,  an  art  gal 
lery  and  the  Zoological  gardens  to  visit  before  noon 
and  therefore  were  required  to  make  an  early  start. 
The  cathedral,  which  is  always  open  to  visitors  and 
never  has  any  one  sleeping  in  it,  was  reserved  for  the 
afternoon. 

I  was  aroused  from  my  belated  sleep  by  the  souncl 
of  mighty  cataracts  and  the  tread  of  countless  ele 
phants.  Too  late  I  realised  that  the  tourists  were 
upon  me!  Too  late  I  remembered  that  the  door  to 
my  room  had  been  left  unlocked!  The  hundred  and 


I  BECOME  AN  ANCESTOR  79 

sixty-nine  were  huddled  outside  my  door,  drinking  in 
the  monotonous  drivel  of  the  guide  who  had  a  shrill, 
penetrating  voice  and  not  the  faintest  notion  of  a 
conscience. 

I  listened  in  dismay  for  a  moment,  and  then,  actu 
ated  by  something  more  than  mere  fury,  leaped  out  of 
bed  and  prepared  for  a  dash  across  the  room  to  lock 
the  door.  On  the  third  stride  I  whirled  and  made  a 
flying  leap  into  the  bed,  scuttling  beneath  the  covers 
with  the  speed  and  accuracy  of  a  crawfish.  Just  in 
time,  too,  for  the  heavy  door  swung  slowly  open  a  sec 
ond  later,  and  the  shrill,  explanatory  voice  was  pro 
jected  loudly  into  my  lofty  bed  chamber. 

"  Come  a  little  closer,  please,"  said  the  morose  man 
with  the  cap.  "  This  room  was  occupied  for  centuries 
by  the  masters  of  Schloss  Rothhoefen.  It  is  a  bed 
chamber.  See  the  great  baronial  bed.  It  has  not 
been  slept  in  for  more  than  two  hundred  years.  The 
later  barons  refused  to  sleep  in  it  because  one  of  their 
ancestors  had  been  assassinated  between  its  sheets  at 
the  tender  age  of  six.  He  was  stabbed  by  a  step- 
uncle  who  played  him  false.  This  room  is  haunted. 
Observe  the  curtains  of  the  bed.  They  are  of  the 
rarest  silk  and  have  been  there  for  three  hundred  years, 
coming  from  Damascus  in  the  year  1695.  Now  we 
will  pass  on  to  the  room  occupied  by  all  of  the  great 
baronesses  up  to  the  nineteenth — " 

A  resolute  beholder  spoke  up :  "  Can't  we  step  in 
side?  " 

"  If  you  choose,  madam.  But  we  must  waste  no 
time." 

"  I  do  so  want  to  see  where  the  old  barons  slept." 

"  Please  do  not  handle  the  bedspreads  and  curtains. 
They  will  fall  to  pieces1 — " 


80  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  heard  no  more,  for  the  vanguard  had  pushed  him 
aside  and  was  swooping  down  upon  me.  A  sharp-nosed 
lady  led  the  way.  She  was  within  three  feet  of  the 
bed  and  was  stretching  out  her  hand  to  touch  the 
proscribed  fabrics  when  I  sat  bolt  upright  and  yelled: 

"  Get  out !  " 

Afterwards  I  was  told  that  the  guide  was  the  first 
to  reach  the  bottom  of  the  stairs  and  that  he  narrowly 
escaped  death  in  the  avalanche  of  horrified  humanity 
that  piled  after  him,  pursued  by  the  puissant  ghost  of 
a  six-year-old  ancestor. 


CHAPTER    V 

I   MEET    THE    FOE   AND    FALL 

THE  post  that  morning,  besides  containing  a  telegram 
from  Vienna  apprising  me  of  the  immediate  embarka 
tion  of  four  irreproachable  angels  in  the  guise  of 
servants,  brought  a  letter  from  my  friends  the  Haz- 
zards,  inquiring  when  my  castle  would  be  in  shape  to 
receive  and  discharge  house  parties  without  subjecting 
them  to  an  intermediate  season  of  peril  from  drafts, 
leaky  roofs,  damp  sheets  and  vampires. 

They  implored  me  to  snatch  them  and  one  or  two 
friends  from  the  unbearable  heat  of  the  city,  if  only 
for  a  few  days,  appending  the  sad  information  that 
they  were  swiftly  being  reduced  to  grease  spots.  Dear 
Elsie  added  a  postscript  of  unusual  briefness  and 
clarity  in  which  she  spelt  grease  with  an  e  instead  of 
an  a,  but  managed  to  consign  me  to  purgatory  if  I 
permitted  her  to  become  a  spot  no  larger  than  the  inky 
blot  she  naively  deposited  beside  her  signature,  for  all 
the  world  like  the  seal  on  a  death  warrant. 

I  sat  down  and  looked  about  me  in  gloomy  despair. 
No  words  can  describe  the  scene,  unless  we  devote  a 
whole  page  to  repeating  the  word  "  dismal."  Devas 
tation  always  appears  to  be  more  complete  of  a  morn 
ing  I  have  observed  in  my  years  of  experience.  A 
plasterer's  scaffolding  that  looks  fairly  nobby  at  sunset 
is  a  grim,  unsightly  skeleton  at  breakfast-time.  A 
couple  of  joiners'  horses,  a  matrix  or  two,  a  pile  of 
shavings  and  some  sawed-off  blocks  scattered  over  the 
floor  produce  a  matutinal  conception  of  chaos  that 

81 


82  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

hangs  over  one  like  a  pall  until  his  aesthetic  sense  is 
beaten  into  subjection  by  the  hammers  of  a  million 
demons  in  the  guise  of  carpenters.  Morning  in  the 
midst  of  repairs  is  an  awful  thing !  I  looked,  despaired 
and  then  dictated  a  letter  to  the  Hazzards,  urging  them 
to  come  at  once  with  all  their  sweltering  friends! 

I  needed  some  one  to  make  me  forget. 

At  eleven  o'clock,  Poopendyke  brought  me  a  note 
from  the  chatelaine  of  the  east  wing.  It  had  been 
dropped  into  the  courtyard  from  one  of  the  upper 
windows.  The  reading  of  it  transformed  me  into  a 
stern,  relentless  demon.  She  very  calmly  announced 
that  she  had  a  headache  and  couldn't  think  of  being 
disturbed  that  day  and  probably  not  the  next. 

My  mind  was  made  up  in  an  instant.  I  would  not 
be  put  off  by  a  headache, —  which  was  doubtless  as 
sumed  for  the  occasion, —  and  I  would  be  master  of 
my  castle  or  know  the  reason  why,  etc. 

In  the  courtyard  I  found  a  score  or  more  of  idle 
artisans,  banished  by  the  on-sweeping  tourists  and 
completely  forgotten  by  me  in  the  excitement  of  the 
hour.  Commanding  them  to  fetch  their  files,  saws, 
broad-axes  and  augurs,  I  led  the  way  to  the  mighty 
doors  that  barred  my  entrance  to  the  other  side.  Ut 
terly  ignoring  the  supplications  of  Conrad  Schmick  and 
the  ominous  frowns  of  his  two  sons,  we  set  about  filing 
off  the  padlocks,  and  chiselling  through  the  wooden 
panels.  I  stood  over  my  toiling  minions  and  I  venture 
to  say  that  they  never  worked  harder  or  faster  in  their 
lives.  By  twelve  o'clock  we  had  the  great  doors  open 
and  swept  on  to  the  next  obstruction. 

At  two  o'clock  the  last  door  in  the  east  ante-cham 
ber  gave  way  before  our  resolute  advance  and  I  stood 
victorious  and  dusty  in  the  little  recess  at  the  top  of 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  83 

the  last  stairway.  Beyond  the  twentieth  century 
portieres  of  a  thirteenth  century  doorway  lay  the 
goal  we  sought.  I  hesitated  briefly  before  drawing 
them  apart  and  taking  the  final  plunge.  As  a  matter 
of  fact,  I  was  beginning  to  feel  ashamed  of  myself. 
Suppose  that  she  really  had  a  headache!  What  an 
uncouth,  pusillanimous  brute  I  — 

Just  then,  even  as  my  hand  fell  upon  the  curtains, 
they  were  snatched  aside  and  I  found  myself  staring 
into  the  vivid,  uptilted  face  of  the  lady  who  had  defied 
me  and  would  continue  to  do  so  if  my  suddenly  active 
perceptions  counted  for  anything. 

I  saw  nothing  but  the  dark,  indignant,  imperious 
eyes.  They  fairly  withered  me. 

In  some  haste,  attended  by  the  most  disheartening 
nervousness,  I  tried  to  find  my  cap  to  remove  it  in  the 
presence  of  royalty.  Unfortunately  I  was  obliged  to 
release  the  somewhat  cumbersome  crowbar  I  had  been 
carrying  about  with  me,  and  it  dropped  with  a  sullen 
thwack  upon  my  toes.  In  moments  of  gravity  I  am 
always  doing  something  like  that.  The  pain  was  ter 
rific,  but  I  clutched  at  the  forlorn  hope  that  she  might 
at  least  smile  over  my  agony. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  I  began,  and  then  discov 
ered  that  I  was  not  wearing  a  cap.  It  was  most  dis 
concerting. 

"  So  you  would  come,"  she  said,  very  coldly  and 
very  levelly.  I  have  a  distinct  recollection  of  shrink 
ing.  If  you  have  ever  tried  to  stand  flatly  upon  a 
foot  whose  toes  are  crimped  by  an  excruciating  pain 
you  may  understand  something  of  the  added  discom 
fiture  that  afflicted  me. 

"  It  —  it  was  necessary,  madam,"  I  replied  as  best 
I  could.  "  You  defied  me.  I  think  you  should  have 


84  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

appreciated  my  position  —  my  motives  —  er  —  my  — " 

She  silenced  me  —  luckily,  heaven  knows  < —  with  a 
curt  exclamation. 

"  Your  position !  It  is  intensely  Napoleonic,"  said 
she  with  fine  irony.  Her  gaze  swept  my  horde  of  pant 
ing,  wide-eyed  house-breakers.  "  What  a  noble  vic 
tory  ! " 

It  was  quite  time  for  me  to  assert  myself.  Bowing 
very  stiffly,  I  remarked: 

"  I  regret  exceedingly  to  have  been  forced  to  dev 
astate  my  own  property  in  such  a  trifling  enterprise, 
madam.  The  physical  loss  is  apparent, —  you  can 
see  that  for  yourself, —  but  of  course  you  have  no 
means  of  estimating  the  mental  destruction  that  has 
been  going  on  for  days  and  days.  You  have  been 
hacking  away  at  my  poor,  distracted  brain  so  per 
sistently  that  it  really  had  to  give  way.  In  a  measure, 
this  should  account  for  my  present  lapse  of  sanity. 
Weak-mindedness  is  not  a  crime,  but  an  affliction." 

She  did  not   smile. 

"  Well,  now  that  you  are  here,  Mr.  Smart,  may  I 
be  so  bold  as  to  inquire  what  you  are  going  to  do 
about  it?" 

I  reflected.  "  I  think,  if  you  don't  mind,  I'll  come 
in  and  sit  down.  That  was  a  deuce  of  a  rap  I  got 
across  the  toes.  I  am  sure  to  be  a  great  deal  more 
lenient  and  agreeable  if  I'm  asked  to  come  in  and  see 
you.  Incidentally,  I  thought  I'd  step  up  to  inquire 
how  your  headache  is  getting  on.  Better,  I  hope?  " 

She  turned  her  face  away.     I  suspected  a  smile. 

'*  If  you  choose  to  bang  your  old  castle  to  pieces, 
in  order  to  satisfy  a  masculine  curiosity,  Mr.  Smart, 
I  hare  nothing  more  to  say,"  she  said,  facing  me 
again  —  still  ominously,  to  my  despair.  Confound  it 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  85 

all,  she  was  such  a  slim,  helpless  little  thing  —  and  all 
alone  against  a  mob  of  burly  ruffians!  I  could  have 
kicked  myself,  but  even  that  would  have  been  an  aimless 
enterprise  in  view  of  the  fact  that  Poopendyke  or  any 
of  the  others  could  have  done  it  more  accurately  than 
I  and  perhaps  with  greater  respect.  "  Will  you  be 
good  enough  to  send  your  —  your  army  away,  or  do 
you  prefer  to  have  it  on  hand  in  case  I  should  take  it 
into  my  head  to  attack  you?  " 

"  Take  'em  away,  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  I  commanded 
hurriedly.  I  didn't  mind  Poopendyke  hearing  what 
she  said,  but  it  would  be  just  like  one  of  those  beggars 
to  understand  English  —  and  also  to  misunderstand  it. 
"  And  take  this  beastly  crowbar  with  you,  too.  It  has 
served  its  purpose  nobly." 

Poopendyke  looked  his  disappointment,  and  I  was 
compelled  to  repeat  the  order.  As  they  crowded  down 
the  short,  narrow  stairway,  I  remarked  old  Conrad  and 
his  two  sons  standing  over  against  the  wall,  three  very 
sinister  figures.  They  remained  motionless. 

"  I  see,  madam,  that  you  do  not  dismiss  your  army," 
I  said,  blandly  sarcastic. 

"  Oh,  you  dear  old  Conrad ! "  she  cried,  catching 
sight  of  the  hitherto  submerged  Schmicks.  The  three 
of  them  bobbed  and  scraped  and  grinned  from  ear  to 
ear.  There  could  be  no  mistaking  the  intensity  of 
their  joy.  "  Don't  look  so  sad,  Conrad.  I  know  you 
are  blameless.  You  poor  old  dear ! " 

I  have  never  seen  any  one  who  looked  less  sad  than 
Conrad  Schmick.  Or  could  it  be  possible  that  he  was 
crying  instead  of  laughing?  In  either  case  I  could 
not  afford  to  have  him  doing  it  with  such  brazen  dis 
courtesy  to  me,  so  I  rather  peremptorily  ordered  him 
below. 


86  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  I  will  attend  to  you  presently,' —  all  of  you,"  said 
I.  They  did  not  move.  "  Do  you  hear  me  ? "  I 
snapped  angrily.  They  looked  stolidly  at  the  slim 
young  lady. 

She  smiled,  rather  proudly,  I  thought.  "  You  may 
go,  Conrad.  I  shall  not  need  you.  Max,  will  you 
fetch  up  another  scuttle  of  coal?  " 

They  took  their  orders  from  her!  It  even  seemed 
to  me  that  Max  moved  swiftly,  although  it  was  doubt 
less  a  hallucination  on  my  part,  brought  about  by 
nervous  excitement. 

"  By  Jove ! "  I  said,  looking  after  my  trusty  men- 
servants  as  they  descended.  "  I  like  this!  Are  they 
my  servants  or  yours  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  suppose  they  are  yours,  Mr.  Smart,"  she 
said  carelessly.  "  Will  you  come  in  now,  and  make 
yourself  quite  at  home? " 

"  Perhaps  I'd  better  wait  for  a  day  or  two,"  said 
I,  wavering.  "  Your  headache,  you  know.  I  can  wait 
just  as  well  as  — " 

"  Oh,  no.  Since  you've  gone  to  all  the  trouble  I 
suppose  you  ought  to  have  something  for  your 
pains."  t 

"  Pains  ?  "  I  murmured,  and  I  declare  to  heaven  I 
limped  as  I  followed  her  through  the  door  into  a  tiny 
hall. 

"  You  are  a  most  unreasonable  man,"  she  said, 
throwing  open  a  small  door  at  the  end  of  the  hall. 
"  I  am  terribly  disappointed  in  you.  You  looked  to 
be  so  nice  and  sensible  and  amiable." 

"  Oh,  I'm  not  such  a  nincompoop  as  you  might  sus 
pect,  madam,"  said  I,  testily,  far  from  complimented. 
I  dislike  being  called  nice,  and  sometimes  I  think  it  a 
mistake  to  be  sensible.  A  sensible  person  never  gets 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  87 

anything  out  of  life  because  he  has  to  avoid  so  much 
of  it. 

"  And  now,  Mr.  Smart,  will  you  be  kind  enough  to 
explain  this  incomprehensible  proceeding  on  your 
part?"  she  said,  facing  me  sternly. 

But  I  was  dumb.  I  stood  just  inside  the  door  of 
the  most  remarkable  apartment  it  has  ever  been  my 
good  fortune  to  look  upon.  My  senses  reeled.  Was 
I  awake?  Was  this  a  part  of  the  bleak,  sinister, 
weather-racked  castle  in  which  I  was  striving  so  hard 
to  find  a  comfortable  corner? 

"  Well  ?  "  she  demanded  relentlessly. 

"  By  the  Lord  Harry,"  I  began,  finding  my  tongue 
only  to  lose  it  again.  My  bewilderment  increased,  and 
for  an  excellent  reason. 

The  room  was  completely  furnished,  bedecked  and 
rendered  habitable  by  an  hundred  and  one  articles  that 
were  mysteriously  missing  from  my  side  of  the  castle. 
Rugs,  tapestries,  curtains  of  the  rarest  quality ;  chairs, 
couches,  and  cushions ;  tables,  cabinets  and  chests  that 
would  have  caused  the  eyes  of  the  most  conservative 
collector  of  antiques  to  bulge  with  —  not  wonder  — 
but  greed;  stands,  pedestals,  brasses,  bronzes,  porce 
lains —  but  why  enumerate?  On  the  massive  oaken 
centre  table  stood  the  priceless  silver  vase  we  had  missed 
on  the  second  day  of  our  occupancy,  and  it  was  filled 
with  fresh  yellow  roses.  I  sniffed.  Their  fragrance 
filled  the  room. 

And  so  complete  had  been  the  rifling  of  my  rooms 
by  the  devoted  vandals  in  their  efforts  to  make  this  lady 
cosy  and  comfortable  that  they  did  not  overlook  a 
silver-framed  photograph  of  my  dear  mother!  Her 
sweet  face  met  my  gaze  as  it  swept  the  mantel-piece, 
beneath  which  a  coal  fire  crackled  merrily.  I  am  not 


88  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

quite  sure,  but  I  think  I  repeated  "  by  the  Lord 
Harry  "  once  if  not  twice  before  I  caught  myself  up. 

I  tried  to  smile.  "  How  —  how  cosy  you  are  here," 
I  said. 

"  You  couldn't  expect  me  to  live  in  this  awful  place 
without  some  of  the  comforts  and  conveniences  of  life, 
Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  defiantly. 

"  Certainly  not,"  I  said,  promptly.  "  I  am  sure 
that  you  will  excuse  me,  however,  if  I  gloat.  I  was 
afraid  we  had  lost  all  these  things.  You've  no  idea 
how  relieved  I  am  to  find  them  all  safe  and  sound  in  my 
—  in  their  proper  place.  I  was  beginning  to  distrust 
the  Schmicks.  Now  I  am  convinced  of  their  integ 
rity." 

"  I  suppose  you  mean  to  be  sarcastic." 

"  Sarcasm  at  any  price,  madam,  would  be  worse  than 
useless,  I  am  sure." 

Crossing  to  the  fireplace,  I  selected  a  lump  of  coal 
from  the  scuttle  and  examined  it  with  great  care. 
She  watched  me  curiously. 

"  Do  you  recognise  it?  "  she  asked. 

"  I  do,"  said  I,  looking  up.  "  It  has  been  in  our 
family  for  generations.  My  favourite  chunk,  believe 
me.  Still,  I  part  with  it  cheerfully."  Thereupon  I 
tossed  it  into  the  fire.  "  Don't  be  shocked !  I  shan't 
miss  it.  We  have  coals  to  burn,  madam !  " 

She  looked  at  me  soberly  for  a  moment.  There  was 
something  hurt  and  wistful  in  her  dark  eyes. 

"  Of  course,  Mr.  Smart,  I  shall  pay  you  for  every 
thing  —  down  to  the  smallest  trifle  —  when  the  time 
comes  for  me  to  leave  this  place.  I  have  kept  strict 
account  of — " 

She  turned  away,  with  a  beaten  droop  of  the  proud 
little  head,  and  again  I  was  shamed.  Never  have  I  felt 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  89 

so  grotesquely  out  of  proportion  with  myself  as  at 
that  moment.  My  stature  seemed  to  increase  from  an 
even  six  feet  to  something  like  twelve,  and  my  bulk 
became  elephantine.  She  was  so  slender,  so  lissom,  so 
weak,  and  I  so  gargantuan,  so  gorilla-like,  so  heavy- 
handed!  And  I  had  come  gaily  up  to  crush  her! 
What  a  fine  figure  of  a  man  I  was ! 

She  did  not  complete  the  sentence,  but  walked 
slowly  toward  the  window.  I  had  a  faint  glimpse  of  a 
dainty  lace  handkerchief  fiercely  clutched  in  a  little 
hand. 

By  nature  I  am  chivalrous,  even  gallant.  You  may 
have  reason  to  doubt  it,  but  it  is  quite  true.  As  I've 
never  had  a  chance  to  be  chivalrous  except  in  my 
dreams  or  my  imagination,  I  made  haste  to  seize  this 
opportunity  before  it  was  too  late. 

"  Madam,"  I  said,  with  considerable  feeling.  "  I 
have  behaved  like  a  downright  rotter  to-day.  I  do  not 
know  who  you  are,  nor  why  you  are  here,  but  I  assure 
you  it  is  of  no  real  consequence  if  you  will  but  con 
descend  to  overlook  my  insufferable  — " 

She  turned  towards  me.  The  wistful,  appealing 
look  still  lingered  in  her  eyes.  The  soft  red  nether  lip 
seemed  a  bit  tremulous. 

"  I  am  an  intruder,"  she  interrupted,  smiling  faintly. 
"  You  have  every  right  to  put  me  out  of  your  —  your 
home,  Mr.  Smart.  I  was  a  horrid  pig  to  deprive  you 
of  all  your  nice  comfortable  chairs  and — " 

"  I  —  I  haven't  missed  them." 

"  Don't  you  ever  sit  down  ?  " 

"  I  will  sit  down  if  you'll  let  me,"  said  I,  feeling  that 
I  wouldn't  appear  quite  so  gigantic  if  I  was  sitting. 

"  Please  do.     The  chairs  all  belong  to  you." 

"  I'm  sorry  you  put  it  in  that  way.     They  are  yours 


90  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

as  long  as  you  choose  to  —  to  occupy  a  furnished 
apartment  here." 

"  I  have  been  very  selfish,  and  cattish,  and  incon 
siderate,  Mr.  Smart.  You  see,  I'm  a  spoilt  child.  I've 
always  had  my  own  way  in  everything.  You  must 
look  upon  me  as  a  very  horrid,  sneaking,  conspiring 
person,  and  I  —  I  really  think  you  ought  to  turn  me 
out." 

She  came  a  few  steps  nearer.  Under  the  circum 
stances  I  could  not  sit  down.  So  I  stood  towering 
above  her,  but  somehow  going  through  a  process  of 
physical  and  mental  shrinkage  the  longer  I  remained 
confronting  her. 

Suddenly  it  was  revealed  to  me  that  she  was  the 
loveliest  woman  I  had  ever  seen  in  all  my  life!  How 
could  I  have  been  so  slow  in  grasping  this  great,  be 
wildering  truth?  The  prettiest  woman  I  had  ever 
looked  upon!  Of  course  I  had  known  it  from  the  first 
instant  that  I  looked  into  her  eyes,  but  I  must  have  been 
existing  in  a  state  of  stupefaction  up  to  this  illumi 
nating  moment. 

I  am  afraid  that  I  stared. 

"  Turn  you  out?  "  I  cried.  "  Turn  you  out  of  this 
•delightful  room  after  you've  had  so  much  trouble 
getting  it  into  shape?  Never!" 

"  Oh,  you  don't  know  how  I've  imposed  upon  you !  " 
she  cried  plaintively.  "  You  don't  know  how  I've 
robbed  you,  and  bothered  you  — " 

"  Yes,  I  do,"  said  I  promptly.  "  I  know  all  about 
it.  You've  been  stealing  my  coals,  my  milk,  my  ice, 
my  potatoes,  my  servants,  my  sleep  and  " —  here  I 
gave  a  comprehensive  sweep  of  my  hand  — "  everything 
in  sight.  And  you've  made  us  walk  on  tip-toe  to 
keep  from  waking  the  baby,  and — "  I  stopped 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  91 

suddenly.  "  By  the  way,  whose  baby  is  it  ?  Not 
yours,  I'm  sure." 

To  my  surprise  her  eyes  filled  with  tears. 

"  Yes.     She  is  my  baby,  Mr.  Smart." 

My  face  fell.  "  Oh ! "  said  I,  and  got  no  further 
for  a  moment  or  two.  "I  —  I  —  please  don't  tell  me 
you  are  married  !  " 

"  What  would  you  think  of  me  if  I  were  to  tell  you 
I'm  not?"  she  cried  indignantly. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  I  stammered,  blushing  to  the 
roots  of  my  hair.  "  Stupid  ass !  "  I  muttered. 

Crossing  to  the  fireplace,  she  stood  looking  down 
into  the  coals  for  a  long  time,  while  I  remained  where 
I  was,  an  awkward,  gauche  spectator,  conscious  of 
having  put  my  clumsiest  foot  into  my  mouth  every 
time  I  opened  it  and  wondering  whether  I  could  now 
safely  get  it  out  again  without  further  disaster. 

Her  back  was  toward  me.  She  was  dressed  in  a 
dainty,  pinkish  house  gown  —  or  maybe  it  was  light 
blue.  At  any  rate  it  was  a  very  pretty  gown  and  she 
was  wonderfully  graceful  in  it.  Ordinarily  in  my 
fiction  I  am  quite  clever  at  describing  gowns  that  do 
not  exist;  but  when  it  comes  to  telling  what  a  real 
woman  is  wearing,  I  am  not  only  as  vague  as  a  savage, 
but  painfully  stupid  about  colors.  Still,  I  think  it 
was  pink.  I  recall  the  way  her  soft  brown  hair  grew 
sbove  the  slender  neck,  and  the  lovely  white  skin;  the 
smooth,  delicate  contour  of  her  half-averted  cheek  and 
the  firm  little  chin  with  the  trembling  red  lips  above  it ; 
the  shapely  back  and  shoulders  and  the  graceful  curves 
of  her  hips,  suggestive  of  a  secret  perfection.  She  was 
taller  than  I  had  thought  at  first  sight,  or  was  it  that 
I  seemed  to  be  getting  smaller  myself?  A  hasty  bit  of 
comparison  placed  her  height  at  five  feet  six,  using  my 


92  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

own  as  something  to  go  by.  She  couldn't  have  been  a 
day  over  twenty-t;wo.  But  she  had  a  baby ! 

Facing  me  once  more  she  said :  "  If  you  will  sit 
down,  Mr.  Smart,  and  be  patient  and  generous  with  me, 
I  shall  try  to  explain  everything.  You  have  a  right  to 
demand  it  of  me,  and  I  shall  feel  more  comfortable 
after  it  is  done." 

I  drew  up  a  chair  beside  the  table  and  sat  down. 
She  sank  gracefully  into  another,  facing  me.  A  deli 
cate  frown  appeared  on  her  brow. 

"  Doubtless  you  are  very  much  puzzled  by  my 
presence  in  this  gloomy  old  castle.  You  have  been 
asking  yourself  a  thousand  questions  about  me,  and  you 
have  been  shocked  by  my  outrageous  impositions  upon 
your  good  nature.  I  confess  I  have  been  shockingly 
impudent  and  — " 

"  Pardon  me ;  you'  are  the  only  sauce  I've  had  for 
an  excessively  bad  bargain." 

"  Please  do  not  interrupt  me,"  she  said  coldly.  "  I 
am  here,  Mr.  Smart,  because  it  is  the  last  place  in  the 
world  where  my  husband  would  be  likely  to  look  for 
me." 

"  Your  husband?     Look  for  you?  " 

"  Yes.  I  shall  be  quite  frank  with  you.  My  hus 
band  and  I  have  separated.  A  provisional  divorce 
was  granted,  however,  just  seven  months  ago.  The 
final  decree  cannot  be  issued  for  one  year." 

"  But  why  should  you  hide  from  him  ?  " 

"  The  —  the  court  gave  him  the  custody  of  our  child 
during  the  probationary  year.  I  —  I  have  run  away 
with  her.  They  are  looking  for  me  everywhere.  That 
is  why  I  came  here.  Do  you  understand  ?  " 

I  was  stunned.  "  Then,  I  take  it,  the  court 
granted  him  the  divorce  and  not  you,"  I  said,  experi- 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  93 

encing  a  sudden  chill  about  the  heart.  "  You  were  de 
prived  of  the  child,  I  see.  Dear  me !  " 

"  You  are  mistaken,"  she  said,  a  flash  in  her  eyes. 
"  It  was  an  Austrian  court.  The  Count  —  my  hus 
band,  I  should  say  —  is  an  Austrian  subject.  His  in 
terests  must  be  protected."  She  said  this  with  a  sneer 
on  her  pretty  lips.  "  You  see,  my  father,  knowing 
him  now  for  what  he  really  is,  has  refused  to  pay  over 
to  him  something  like  a  million  dollars,  still  due  for  the 
marriage  settlement.  The  Count  contends  that  it  is  a 
just  and  legal  debt  and  the  court  supports  him  to  this 
extent:  the  child  is  to  be  his  until  the  debt  is  cleared 
up,  or  something  to  that  effect.  I  really  don't  under 
stand  the  legal  complications  involved.  Perhaps  it 
were  better  if  I  did." 

"  I  see,"  said  I,  scornful  in  spite  of  myself.  "  One 
of  those  happy  international  marriages  where  a  bride  is 
thrown  in  for  good  measure  with  a  couple  of  millions. 
Won't  we  ever  learn !  " 

"  That's  it  precisely,"  she  said,  with  the  utmost 
calmness  and  candour.  "  American  dollars  and  an 
American  girl  in  exchange  for  a  title,  a  lot  of  debts  and 
a  ruined  life." 

"  And  they  always  turn  out  just  this  way.  What  a 
lot  of  blithering  fools  we  have  in  the  land  of  the  free 
and  the  home  of  the  knave ! " 

"  My  father  objected  to  the  whole  arrangement  from 
the  first,  so  you  must  not  speak  of  him  as  a  knave,"  she 
protested.  "  He  doesn't  like  Counts  and  such  things." 

"  I  don't  see  that  it  helps  matters.  I  can  hardly 
substitute  the  word  *  brave '  for  the  one  I  used,"  said 
I,  trying  to  conceal  my  disgust. 

"  Please  don't  misunderstand  me,  Mr.  Smart,"  she 
said  haughtily.  "  I  am  not  asking  for  pity.  I  made 


94  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

my  bed  and  I  shall  lie  in  it.  The  only  thing  I  ask  of 
you  is  —  well,  kindness." 

She  seemed  to  falter  again,  and  once  more  I  was  at 
her  feet,  figuratively  speaking. 

"  You  are  in  distress,  in  dread  of  something, 
madam,"  I  cried.  "  Consider  me  your  friend." 

She  shook  her  head  ruefully.  "  You  poor  man ! 
You  don't  know  what  you  are  in  for,  I  fear.  Wait  till 
I  have  told  you  everything.  Three  weeks  ago,  I  laid 
myself  liable  to  imprisonment  and  heaven  knows  what 
else  by  abducting  my  little  girl.  That  is  really  what 
it  comes  to  —  abduction.  The  court  has  ordered  my 
arrest,  and  all  sorts  of  police  persons  are  searching 
high  and  low  for  me.  Now  don't  you  see  your  peril? 
If  they  find  me  here,  you  will  be  in  a  dreadful  predica 
ment.  You  will  be  charged  with  criminal  complicity, 
or  whatever  it  is  called,  and  —  Oh,  it  will  be  frightfully 
unpleasant  for  you,  Mr.  Smart." 

My  expression  must  have  convicted  me.  She  couldn't 
help  seeing  the  dismay  in  my  face.  So  she  went  on, 
quite  humbly. 

"  Of  course  you  have  but  to  act  at  once  and  all  may 
be  well  for  you.  I  —  I  will  go  if  you  —  if  you  com 
mand  me  to  — " 

I  struck  my  knee  forcibly.  "  What  clo  you  take 
me  for,  madam  ?  Hang  the  consequences !  If  you  feel 
that  you  are  safe  here  —  that  is,  comparatively  safe, 
—  stay!  " 

"  It  will  be  terrible  if  you  get  into  trouble  with  the 
law,"  she  murmured  in  distress.  "I  —  I  really  don't 
know  what  might  happen  to  you."  Still  her  eyes 
brightened.  Like  all  the  rest  of  her  ilk,  she  was  selfish. 

I  tried  to  laugh,  but  it  was  a  dismal  failure.  After 
all,  wasn't  it  likely  to  prove  a  most  unpleasant  matter? 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  95 

I  felt  the  chill  moisture  breaking  out  on  my  forehead. 

"  Pray  do  not  consider  my  position  at  all,"  I 
managed  to  say,  with  a  resolute  assumption  of  gal' 
lantry.  "I  —  I  shall  be  perfectly  able  to  look  out  for 
myself, —  that  is,  to  explain  everything  if  it  should 
come  to  the  worst."  I  could  not  help  adding,  however : 
"  I  certainly  hope,  however,  that  they  don't  get  on  to 
your  trail  and  — "  I  stopped  in  confusion. 

"  And  find  me  here  ?  "  she  completed  gloomily. 

"  And  take  the  child  away  from  you,"  I  made  haste 
to  explain. 

A  fierce  light  flamed  in  her  eyes.  "  I  should  —  kill 
—  some  one  before  that  could  happen,"  she  cried  out, 
clenching  her  hands. 

"I  —  I  beg  of  you,  madam,  don't  work  yourself  into 
a  —  a  state,"  I  implored,  in  considerable  trepidation. 
"  Nothing  like  that  can  happen,  believe  me.  I  — " 

"  Oh,  what  do  you  know  about  it  ?  "  she  exclaimed, 
with  most  unnecessary  vehemence,  I  thought.  "  He 
wants  the  child  and  —  and  —  well,  you  can  see  why  he 
wants  her,  can't  you?  He  is  making  the  most  des 
perate  efforts  to  recover  her.  Max  says  the  news 
papers  are  full  of  the  —  the  scandal.  They  are  de 
picting  me  as  a  brainless,  law-defying  American  with 
out  sense  of  love,  honour  or  respect.  I  don't  mind  that, 
however.  It  is  to  be  expected.  They  all  describe  the 
Count  as  a  long-suffering,  honourable,  dreadfully  mal 
treated  person,  and  are  doing  what  they  can  to  help 
him  in  the  prosecution  of  the  search.  My  mother,  who 
is  in  Paris,  is  being  shadowed ;  my  two  big  brothers  are 
being  watched ;  my  lawyers  in  Vienna  are  being  trailed 
everywhere  —  oh,  it  is  really  a  most  dreadful  thing. 
But  —  but  I  will  not  give  her  up !  She  is  mine.  He 
doesn't  love  her.  He  doesn't  love  me.  He  doesn't  love 


96  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

anything  in  the  world  but  himself  and  his  cigarettes. 
I  know,  for  I've  paid  for  his  cigarettes  for  nearly  three 
years.  He  has  actually  ridiculed  me  in  court  circles, 
he  has  defamed  me,  snubbed  me,  humiliated  me,  cursed 
me.  You  cannot  imagine  what  it  has  been  like.  Once 
he  struck  me  in  — " 

"  Struck  you !  "  I  cried. 

" — in  the  presence  of  his  sister  and  her  husband. 
But  I  must  not  distress  you  with  sordid  details.  Suffice 
it  to  say,  I  turned  at  last  like  the  proverbial  worm.  I 
applied  for  a  divorce  ten  months  ago.  It  was  granted, 
provisionally  as  I  say.  He  is  a  degenerate.  He  was 
unfaithful  to  me  in  every  sense  of  the  word.  But  in 
spite  of  all  that,  the  court  in  granting  me  the  sepa 
ration,  took  occasion  to  placate  national  honour  by 
giving  him  the  child  during  the  year,  pending  the  final 
disposition  of  the  case.  Of  course,  everything  depends 
on  father's  attitude  in  respect  to  the  money.  You  see 
what  I  mean?  A  month  ago  I  heard  from  friends  in 
Vienna  that  he  was  shamefully  neglecting  our  —  my 
baby,  so  I  took  this  awful,  this  perfectly  bizarre  way 
of  getting  her  out  of  his  hands.  Possession  is  nine 
points  in  the  law,  you  see.  I  — " 

"  Alas !  v  interrupted  I,  shaking  my  head.  "  There 
is  more  than  one  way  to  look  at  the  law.  I'm  afraid 
you  have  got  yourself  into  a  serious  —  er  —  pickle." 

"  I  don't  care,"  she  said  defiantly.  "  It  is  the  law's 
fault  for  not  prohibiting  such  marriages  as  ours.  Oh, 
I  know  I  must  seem  awfully  foolish  and  idiotic  to  you, 
but  —  but  it's  too  late  now  to  back  out,  isn't  it  ?  " 

I  did  not  mean  to  say  it,  but  I  did, —  and  I  said  it 
with  some  conviction :  "  It  is !  You  must  be  p>-o- 
tected." 

"  Thank  you,  thank  you ! "  she  cried,  clasping 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  97 

unclasping  her  little  hands.  I  found  myself  wonder 
ing  if  the  brute  had  dared  to  strike  her  on  that  soft, 
pink  cheek! 

Suddenly  a  horrible  thought  struck  me  with  stunning 
force. 

"  Don't  tell  me  that  your  —  your  husband  is  the  man 
who  owned  this  castle  up  to  a  week  ago,"  I  cried. 
"Count  James  Hohendahl?  " 

She  shook  her  head.  "  No.  He  is  not  the  man." 
Seeing  that  I  waited  for  her  to  go  on,  she  resumed: 
"  I  know  Count  James  quite  well,  however.  He  is  my 
husband's  closest  friend." 

"  Good  heaven,"  said  I,  in  quick  alarm.  "  That 
complicates  matters,  doesn't  it?  He  may  come  here  at 
any  time." 

"  It  isn't  likely,  Mr.  Smart.  To  be  perfectly  honest 
with  you,  I  waited  until  I  heard  you  had  bought  the 
castle  before  coming  here  myself.  We  were  in  hiding 
at  the  house  of  a  friend  in  Linz  up  to  a  week  ago.  I 
did  not  think  it  right  or  fair  to  subject  them  to  the 
notoriety  or  the  peril  that  was  sure  to  follow  if  the 
officers  took  it  into  their  heads  to  look  for  me  there. 
The  day  you  bought  the  castle,  I  decided  that  it  was 
the  safest  place  for  me  to  stay  until  the  danger  blows 
over,  or  until  father  can  arrange  to  smuggle  me  out  of 
this  awful  country.  That  very  night  we  were  brought 
here  in  a  motor.  Dear  old  Conrad  and  Mrs.  Schmick 
took  me  in.  They  have  been  perfectly  adorable,  all 
of  them." 

"  May  I  enquire,  madam,"  said  I  stiffly,  "  how  you 
came  to  select  my  abode  as  your  hiding  place  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  have  forgotten  to  tell  you  that  we  lived  here 
one  whole  summer  just  after  we  were  married.  Count 
Hohendahl  let  us  have  the  castle  for  our  —  our  honey- 


98  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

moon.  He  was  here  a  great  deal  of  the  time.  All 
sorts  of  horrid,  nasty,  snobbish  people  were  here  to 
help  us  enjoy  our  honeymoon.  I  shall  never  forget 
that  dreadful  summer.  My  only  friends  were  the 
Schmicks.  Every  one  else  ignored  and  despised  me,  and 
they  all  borrowed,  won  or  stole  money  from  me.  I  was 
compelled  to  play  bridge  for  atrociously  high  stakes 
without  knowing  one  card  from  the  other.  But,  as  I 
say,  the  Schmicks  loved  me.  You  see  they  were  in  the 
family  ages  and  ages  before  I  was  born." 

"  The  family?     What  family?  " 

"  The  Rothhoefen  family.  Haven't  they  told  you 
that  my  great-grandmother  was  a  Rothhoefen?  No? 
Well,  she  was.  I  belong  to  the  third  generation  of 
American-born  descendants.  Doesn't  it  simplify  mat 
ters,  knowing  this  ?  " 

"  Immensely,"  said  I,  in  something  of  a  daze. 

"  And  so  I  came  here,  Mr.  Smart,  where  hundreds  of 
my  ancestors  spent  their  honeymoons,  most  of  them 
perhaps  as  unhappily  as  I,  and  where  I  knew  a  fellow- 
countryman  was  to  live  for  awhile  in  order  to  get  a 
plot  for  a  new  story.  You  see,  I  thought  I  might  be 
a  great  help  to  you  in  the  shape  of  suggestion." 

She  smiled  very  warmly,  and  I  thought  it  was  a  very 
neat  way  of  putting  it.  Naturally  it  would  be  quite 
impossible  to  put  her  out  after  hearing  that  she  had 
already  put  herself  out  to  some  extent  in  order  to  assist 
me. 

"  I  can  supply  the  villain  for  your  story  if  you  need 
one,  and  I  can  give  you  oceans  of  ideas  about  noblemen. 
I  am  sorry  that  I  can't  give  you  a  nice,  sweet  heroine. 
People  hate  heroines  after  they  are  married  and  live 
unhappily.  You  — " 

"  The    public    taste    is    changing,"    I    interrupted 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  99 

quickly.  "  Unhappy  marriages  are  so  common  nowa 
days  that  the  women  who  go  into  'em  are  always 
heroines.  People  like  to  read  about  suffering  and 
anguish  among  the  rich,  too.  Besides,  you  are  a 
Countess.  That  puts  you  near  the  first  rank  among 
heroines.  Don't  you  think  it  would  be  proper  at  this 
point  to  tell  me  who  you  are  ?  " 

She  regarded  me  steadfastly  for  a  moment,  and  then 
shook  her  head. 

"  I'd  rather  not  tell  you  my  name,  Mr.  Smart.  It 
really  can't  matter,  you  know.  I've  thought  it  all  out 
very  carefully,  and  I've  decided  that  it  is  not  best  for 
you  to  know.  You  see  if  you  don't  know  who  it  is  you 
are  sheltering,  the  courts  can't  hold  you  to  account. 
You  will  be  quite  innocent  of  deliberately  contriving  to 
defeat  the  law.  No,  I  shall  not  tell  you  my  name,  nor 
my  husband's,  nor  my  father's.  If  you'd  like  to  know, 
however,  I  will  tell  you  my  baby's  name.  She's  two 
years  old  and  I  think  she'll  like  you  to  call  her  Rose 
mary." 

By  this  time  I  was  quite  hypnotised  by  this  charm 
ing,  confident  trespasser  upon  my  physical  —  and  I 
was  about  to  say  my  moral  estate.  Never  have  I  known 
a  more  complacent  violater  of  all  the  proprieties  of  law 
and  order  as  she  appeared  to  be.  She  was  a  reve 
lation  ;  more  than  that,  she  -was  an  inspiration.  What 
a  courageous,  independent,  fascinating  little  buccaneer 
she  was !  Her  calm  tone  of  assurance,  her  overwhelm 
ing  confidence  in  herself,  despite  the  occasional  lapse 
into  despair,  staggered  me.  I  couldn't  help  being  im 
pressed.  If  I  had  had  any  thought  of  ejecting  her, 
bag  and  baggage,  from  my  castle,  it  had  been  com 
pletely  knocked  out  of  my  head  and  I  was  left,  you 
might  say,  in  a  position  which  gave  me  no  other  alter- 


100  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

native  than  to  consider  myself  a  humble  instrument  in 
the  furthering  of  her  ends,  whether  I  would  or  no.  It 
was  most  amazing.  Superior  to  the  feeling  of  scorn 
I  naturally  felt  for  her  and  her  kind, —  the  fools  who 
make  international  beds  and  find  them  filled  with  thorns, 
—  there  was  the  delicious  sensation  of  being  able  to 
rise  above  my  prejudices  and  become  a  willing  conspir 
ator  against  that  despot,  Common  Sense. 

She  was  very  sure  of  herself,  that  was  plain;  and  I 
am  positive  that  she  was  equally  sure  of  me.  It  isn't 
altogether  flattering,  either,  to  feel  that  a  woman  is  so 
sure  of  you  that  there  isn't  any  doubt  concerning  her 
estimate  of  your  offensive  strength.  Somehow  one 
feels  an  absence  of  physical  attractiveness. 

"  Rosemary,"  I  repeated.  "  And  what  am  I  to  call 
you?" 

"  Even  my  enemies  call  me  Countess,"  she  said  coldly. 

"  Oh,"  said  I,  more  respectfully.  u  I  see.  When 
am  I  to  have  the  pleasure  of  meeting  the  less  particular 
Rosemary?  " 

"  I  didn't  mean  to  be  horrid,"  she  said  plaintively. 
"  Please  overlook  it,  Mr.  Smart.  If  you  are  very,  very 
quiet  I  think  you  may  see  her  now.  She  is  asleep." 

"  I  may  frighten  her  if  she  awakes,"  I  said  in  haste, 
remembering  my  antipathy  to  babies. 

Nevertheless  I  was  led  through  a  couple  of  bare,  un 
furnished  rooms  into  a  sunny,  perfectly  adorable 
nursery.  A  nursemaid, —  English,  at  a  glance, —  arose 
from  her  seat  in  the  window  and  held  a  cautious  finger 
to  her  lips.  In  the  middle  of  a  bed  that  would  have 
accommodated  an  entire  family,  was  the  sleeping  Rose 
mary  —  a  tiny,  rosy-cheeked,  yellow  haired  atom 
bounded  on  four  sides  by  yards  of  mattress. 

I  stood  over  her  timorously  and  stared.     The  Count- 


I  MEET  THE  FOE  AND  FALL  101 

ess  put  one  knee  upon  the  mattress  and,  leaning  far 
over,  kissed  a  little  paw.  I  blinked,  like  a  confounded 
booby. 

Then  we  stole  out  of  the  room. 

"  Isn't  she  adorable  ?  "  asked  the  Countess  when  we 
were  at  a  safe  distance. 

"  They  all  are,"  I  said  grudgingly,  "  when  they're 
asleep." 

"You  are  horrid!" 

"  By  the  way,"  I  said  sternly,  "  how  does  that  bed 
stead  happen  to  be  a  yard  or  so  lower  than  any  other 
bed  in  this  entire  castle?  All  the  rest  of  them  are  so 
high  one  has  to  get  into  them  from  a  chair." 

"  Oh,"  she  said  complacently,  "  it  was  too  high  for 
Blake  to  manage  conveniently,  so  I  had  Rudolph  saw  the 
legs  off  short." 

One  of  my  very  finest  antique  bedsteads !  But  I 
didn't  even  groan. 

"You  will  let  me  stay  on,  won't  you,  Mr.  Smart?" 
she  said,  when  we  were  at  the  fireplace  again.  "  I  am 
really  so  helpless,  you  know." 

I  offered  her  everything  that  the  castle  afforded  in 
the  way  of  loyalty  and  luxury. 

"  And  we'll  have  a  telephone  in  the  main  hall  before 
the  end  of  a  week,"  I  concluded  beamingly. 

Her  face  clouded.  "  Oh,  I'd  much  rather  have  it  in 
my  hallway,  if  you  don't  mind.  You  see,  I  can't  very 
well  go  downstairs  every  time  I  want  to  use  the  'phone, 
and  it  will  be  a  nuisance  sending  for  me  when  I'm 
wanted." 

This  was  rather  high-handed,  I  thought. 

"  But  if  no  one  knows  you're  here,  it  seems  to  me 
you're  not  likely  to  be  called." 

"  You  never  can  tell,"  she  said  mysteriously. 


102  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  promised  to  put  the  instrument  in  her  hall,  and  not 
to  have  an  extension  to  my  rooms  for  fear  of  creating 
suspicion.  Also  the  electric  bell  system  was  to  be  put 
in  just  as  she  wanted  it  to  be.  And  a  lot  of  other 
things  that  do  not  seem  to  come  to  mind  at  this  moment. 

I  left  in  a  daze  at  half-past  three,  to  send  Britton 
up  with  all  the  late  novels  and  magazines,  and  a  big  box 
of  my  special  cigarettes. 


I    DISCUSS   MATRIMONY 

POOPENDYKE  and  I  tried  to  do  a  little  work  that  even 
ing,  but  neither  of  us  seemed  quite  capable  of  concen 
tration.  We  said  "  I  beg  pardon  "  to  each  other  a 
dozen  times  or  more,  following  mental  lapses,  and  then 
gave  it  up.  My  ideas  failed  in  consecutiveness,  and 
when  I  did  succeed  in  hitching  two  intelligent  thoughts 
together  he  invariably  destroyed  the  sequence  by  com 
pelling  me  to  repeat  myself,  with  the  result  that  I 
became  irascible. 

We  had  gone  over  the  events  of  the  day  very 
thoroughly.  If  anything,  he  was  more  alarmed  over 
our  predicament  than  I.  He  seemed  to  sense  the 
danger  that  attended  my  decision  to  shelter  and  protect 
this  cool-headed,  rather  self-centred  young  woman  at 
the  top  of  my  castle.  To  me,  it  was  something  of  a 
lark;  to  him,  a  tragedy.  He  takes  everything  seri 
ously,  so  much  so  in  fact  that  he  gets  on  my  nerves.  I 
wish  he  were  not  always  looking  at  things  through  the 
little  end  of  the  telescope.  I  like  a  change,  and  it  is  a 
novelty  to  sometimes  see  things  through  the  big  end, 
especially  peril. 

"  They  will  yank  us  all  up  for  aiding  and  abetting," 
he  proclaimed,  trying  to  focus  his  eyes  on  the  short 
hand  book  he  was  fumbling. 

"  You  wouldn't  have  me  turn  her  over  to  the  law, 
would  you  ?  "  I  demanded  crossly.  "  Please  don't  for 
get  that  we  are  Americans." 

103 


104  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  I  don't,"  said  he.  "  That's  what  worries  me  most 
of  all." 

"  Well,"  said  I  loftily,  "  we'll  see." 

We  were  silent  for  a  long  time. 

"  It  must  be  horribly  lonely  and  spooky  away  up 
there  where  she  is,"  I  said  at  last,  inadvertently  be 
traying  my  thoughts.  He  sniffed. 

"Have  you  a  cold?"  I  demanded,  glaring  at  him. 

"  No,"  he  said  gloomily ;  "  a  presentiment." 

"Umph!" 

Another  period  of  silence.  Then :  "  I  wonder  if 
Max  — "  I  stopped  short. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  he  said,  with  wonderful  divination. 
"  He  did." 

"  Any  message  ?  " 

"  She  sent  down  word  that  the  new  cook  is  a  jewel, 
but  I  think  she  must  have  been  jesting.  I've  never 
cared  for  a  man  cook  myself.  I  don't  like  to  appear 
hypercritical,  but  what  did  you  think  of  the  dinner  to 
night,  sir?  " 

"  I've  never  tasted  better  broiled  ham  in  my  life, 
Mr.  Poopendyke." 

"  Ham !  That's  it,  Mr.  Smart.  But  what  I'd  like 
to  know  is  this :  "  What  became  of  the  grouse  you 
ordered  for  dinner,  sir?  I  happen  to  know  that  it 
was  put  over  the  fire  at  seven  — " 

'*  I  sent  it  up  to  the  countess,  with  our  compli 
ments,"  said  I,  peevishly.  I  think  that  remark  silenced 
him.  At  any  rate,  he  got  up  and  left  the  room. 

I  laid  awake  half  the  night  morbidly  berating  the 
American  father  who  is  so  afraid  of  his  wife  that  he 
lets  her  bully  him  into  sacrificing  their  joint  flesh  and 
blood  upon  the  altar  of  social  ambition.  She  had  said 
that  her  father  was  opposed  to  the  match  from  the 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  105 

beginning.  Then  why,  in  the  name  of  heaven,  wasn't 
he  man  enough  to  put  a  stop  to  it?  Why  —  But  what 
use  is  there  in  applying  whys  to  a  man  who  doesn't 
know  what  God  meant  when  He  fashioned  two  sexes? 
I  put  him  down  as  neutral  and  tried  my  best  to  forget 
him. 

But  I  couldn't  forget  the  daughter  of  this  brow 
beaten  American  father.  There  was  something  singu 
larly  familiar  about  her  exquisite  face,  a  conviction  on 
my  part  that  is  easily  accounted  for.  Her  portrait, 
of  course,  had  been  published  far  and  wide  at  the  time 
of  the  wedding ;  she  must  have  been  pictured  from  every 
conceivable  angle,  with  illimitable  gowns,  hats,  veils  and 
parasols,  and  I  certainly  could  not  have  missed  seeing 
her,  even  with  half  an  eye.  But  for  the  life  of  me,  I 
couldn't  connect  her  with  any  of  the  much-talked-of 
international  marriages  that  came  to  mind  as  I  lay 
there  going  over  the  meagre  assortment  I  was  able  to 
recall.  I  went  to  sleep  wondering  whether  Poopen- 
dyke's  memory  was  any  better  than  mine.  He  is  tre 
mendously  interested  in  the  financial  doings  of  our 
country,  being  the  possessor  of  a  flourishing  savings' 
account,  and  as  he  also  possesses  a  lively  sense  of  the 
ridiculous,  it  was  not  unreasonable  to  suspect  that  he 
might  remember  all  the  details  of  this  particular  trans 
action  in  stocks  and  bonds. 

The  next  morning  I  set  my  labourers  to  work  put 
ting  guest-rooms  into  shape  for  the  coming  of  the 
Hazzards  and  the  four  friends  who  were  to  be  with 
them  for  the  week  as  my  guests.  They  were  to  arrive 
on  the  next  day  but  one,  which  gave  me  ample  time  to 
consult  a  furniture  dealer.  I  would  have  to  buy  at 
least  six  new  beds  and  everything  else  with  which  to 
comfortably  equip  as  many  bed-chambers,  it  being  a 


106  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

foregone  conclusion  that  not  even  the  husbands  and 
wives  would  condescend  to  "  double  up  "  to  oblige  me. 
The  expensiveness  of  this  ill-timed  visit  had  not  oc 
curred  to  me  at  the  outset.  Still  there  was  some  pros 
pect  of  getting  the  wholesale  price.  On  one  point  I 
was  determined ;  the  workmen  should  not  be  laid  off  for 
a  single  hour,  not  even  if  my  guests  went  off  in  a 
huff. 

At  twelve  I  climbed  the  tortuous  stairs  leading  to 
the  Countess's  apartments.  She  opened  the  door  her 
self  in  response  to  my  rapping. 

"  I  neglected  to  mention  yesterday  that  I  am  expect 
ing  a  houseful  of  guests  in  a  day  or  two,"  I  said,  after 
she  had  given  me  a  very  cordial  greeting. 

"  Guests  ?  "  she  cried  in  dismay.  "  Oh,  dear !  Can't 
you  put  them  off?  " 

"  I  have  hopes  that  they  won't  be  able  to  stand  the 
workmen  banging  around  all  day,"  I  confessed,  some 
what  guiltily. 

"  Women  in  the  party?" 

"  Two,  I  believe.  Both  married  and  qualified  to 
express  opinions." 

"  They  will  be  sure  to  nose  me  out,"  she  said  rue 
fully.  "  Women  are  dreadful  nosers." 

"  Don't  worry,"  I  said.  "  We'll  get  a  lot  of  new 
padlocks  for  the  doors  downstairs  and  you'll  be  as 
safe  as  can  be,  if  you'll  only  keep  quiet." 

"  But  I  don't  see  why  I  should  be  made  to  mope  here 
all  day  and  all  night  like  a  sick  cat,  holding  my  hand 
over  Rosemary's  mouth  when  she  wants  to  cry,  and 
muzzling  poor  Jinko  so  that  he  — " 

"  My  dear  Countess,"  I  interrupted  sternly,  "  you 
should  not  forget  that  these  other  guests  of  mine  are 
invited  here." 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  107 

"  But  I  was  here  first,"  she  argued.  "  It  is  most 
annoying." 

"  I  believe  you  said  yesterday  that  you  are  in  the 
habit  of  having  your  own  way."  She  nodded  her  head. 
"  Well,  I  am  afraid  you'll  have  to  come  down  from 
your  high  horse  —  at  least  temporarily." 

"  Oh,  I  see.  You  —  you  mean  to  be  very  firm  and 
domineering  with  me." 

"  You  must  try  to  see  things  from  my  point  of  — " 

"  Please  don't  say  that !  "  she  flared.  "  I'm  so  tired 
of  hearing  those  words.  For  the  last  three  years  I've 
been  commanded  to  see  things  from  some  one  else's 
point  of  view,  and  I'm  sick  of  the  expression." 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  don't  put  me  in  the  same  boat 
with  your  husband !  " 

She  regarded  me  somewhat  frigidly  for  a  moment 
longer,  and  then  a  slow,  witching  smile  crept  into  her 
eyes. 

"  I  sha'n't,"  she  promised,  and  laughed  outright. 
"  Do  forgive  me,  Mr.  Smart.  I  am  such  a  piggy 
thing.  I'll  try  to  be  nice  and  sensible,  and  I  will  be  as 
still  as  a  mouse  all  the  time  they're  here.  But  you 
must  promise  to  come  up  every  day  and  give  me  the 
gossip.  You  can  steal  up,  can't  you?  Surrepti 
tiously?  " 

"  Clandestinely,"   I   said,   gravely. 

"  I  really  ought  to  warn  you  once  more  about  get 
ting  yourself  involved,"  she  said  pointedly. 

"  Oh,  I'm  quite  a  safe  old  party,"  I  assured  her. 
"  They  couldn't  make  capital  of  me." 

"  The  grouse  was  delicious,"  she  said,  deliberately 
changing  the  subject.  Nice  divorcees  are  always  doing 
that. 

We    fell   into   a   discussion    of  present    and   future 


108  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

needs ;  of  ways  and  means  for  keeping  my  friends  ut 
terly  in  the  dark  concerning  her  presence  in  the  aban 
doned  east  wing;  and  of  what  we  were  pleased  to  allude 
to  as  "  separate  maintenance,"  employing  a  phrase 
that  might  have  been  considered  distasteful  and  even 
banal  under  ordinary  conditions. 

"  I've  been  trying  to  recall  all  of  the  notable  mar 
riages  we  had  in  New  York  three  years  ago,"  said  I, 
after  she  had  most  engagingly  reduced  me  to  a  state  of 
subjection  in  the  matter  of  three  or  four  moot  ques 
tions  that  came  up  for  settlement.  "  You  don't  seem 
to  fit  in  with  any  of  the  international  affairs  I  can 
bring  to  mind." 

"  You  promised  you  wouldn't  bother  about  that, 
Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  severely. 

"  Of  course  you  were  married  in  New  York?  " 

"  In  a  very  nice  church  just  off  Fifth  Avenue,  if 
that  will  help  you  any,"  she  said.  "  The  usual  crowd 
inside  the  church,  and  the  usual  mob  outside,  all  fight 
ing  for  a  glimpse  of  me  in  my  wedding  shroud,  and 
for  a  chance  to  see  a  real  Hungarian  nobleman.  It 
really  was  a  very  magnificent  wedding,  Mr.  Smart." 
She  seemed  to  be  unduly  proud  of  the  spectacular  sac 
rifice. 

A  knitted  brow  revealed  the  obfuscated  condition 
of  my  brain.  I  was  thinking  very  intently,  not  to  say 
remotely. 

"  The  whole  world  talked  about  it,"  she  went  on 
dreamily.  "  We  had  a  real  prince  for  the  best  man, 
and  two  of  the  ushers  couldn't  speak  a  word  of  Eng 
lish.  Don't  you  remember  that  the  police  closed  the 
streets  in  the  neighbourhood  of  the  church  and 
wouldn't  let  people  spoil  everything  by  going  about 
their  business  as  they  were  in  the  habit  of  doing? 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  109 

Some  of  the  shops  sold  window  space  to  sight-seers, 
just  as  they  do  at  a  coronation." 

"  I  daresay  all  this  should  let  in  light,  but  it 
doesn't." 

"Don't  you  read  the  newspapers?"  she  cried  im 
patiently.  She  actually  resented  my  ignorance. 

"  Religiously,"  I  said,  stung  to  revolt.  "  But  I 
make  it  a  point  never  to  read  the  criminal  news." 

"  Criminal  news  ?  "  she  gasped,  a  spot  of  red  leaping 
to  her  cheek.  "  What  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  It  is  merely  my  way  of  saying  that  I  put  mar 
riages  of  that  character  in  the  category  of  crime." 

"  Oh ! "  she  cried,  staring  at  me  with  unbelieving 
eyes. 

"  Every  time  a  sweet,  lovely  American  girl  is  deliv 
ered  into  the  hands  of  a  foreign  bounder  who  happens 
to  possess  a  title  that  needs  fixing,  I  call  the  transac 
tion  a  crime  that  puts  white  slavery  in  a  class  with  the 
most  trifling  misdemeanours.  You  did  not  love  this 
pusillanimous  Count,  nor  did  he  care  a  hang  for  you. 
You  were  too  young  in  the  ways  of  the  world  to  have 
any  feeling  for  him,  and  he  was  too  old  to  have  any 
for  you.  The  whole  hateful  business  therefore  re 
solved  itself  into  a  case  of  give  and  take  —  and  he 
took  everything.  He  took  you  and  your  father's  mil 
lions  and  now  you  are  both  back  where  you  began. 
Some  one  deliberately  committed  a  crime,  and  as  it 
wasn't  you  or  the  Count, —  who  levied  his  legitimate 
toll, —  it  must  have  been  the  person  who  planned  the 
conspiracy.  I  take  it,  of  course,  that  the  whole  affair 
was  arranged  behind  your  back,  so  to  speak.  To  make 
it  a  perfectly  fashionable  and  up-to-date  delivery  it 
would  have  been  entirely  out  of  place  to  consult  the 
unsophisticated  girl  who  was  thrown  in  to  make  the 


110  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

title  good.  You  were  not  sold  to  this  bounder.  It  was 
the  other  way  round.  By  the  gods,  madam,  he  was 
actually  paid  to  take  you ! " 

Her  face  was  quite  pale.  Her  eyes  did  not  leave 
mine  during  the  long  and  crazy  diatribe, —  of  which  I 
was  already  beginning  to  feel  heartily  ashamed, —  and 
there  was  a  dark,  ominous  fire  in  them  that  should  have 
warned  me. 

She  arose  from  her  chair.  It  seemed  to  me  she  was 
taller  than  before. 

"  If  nothing  else  came  to  me  out  of  this  transac 
tion,"  she  said  levelly,  "  at  least  a  certain  amount  of 
dignity  was  acquired.  Pray  remember  that  I  am  no 
longer  the  unsophisticated  girl  you  so  graciously  de 
scribe.  I  am  a  woman,  Mr.  Smart." 

"  True,"  said  I,  senselessly  dogged ;  "  a  woman  with 
the  power  to  think  for  yourself.  That  is  my  point. 
If  the  same  situation  arose  at  your  present  age,  I 
fancy  you'd  be  able  to  select  a  husband  without  as 
sistance,  and  I  venture  to  say  you  wouldn't  pick  up 
the  first  dissolute  nobleman  that  came  your  way.  No, 
my  dear  countess,  you  were  not  to  blame.  You 
thought,  as  your  parents  did,  that  marriage  with  a 
count  would  make  a  real  countess  of  you.  What  rot! 
You  are  a  simple,  lovable  American  girl  and  that's  all 
there  ever  can  be  to  it.  To  the  end  of  your  days  you 
will  be  an  American.  It  is  not  within  the  powers  of  a 
scape-grace  count  to  put  you  or  any  other  American 
girl  on  a  plane  with  the  women  who  are  born  countesses, 
or  duchesses,  or  anything  of  the  sort.  I  don't  say 
that  you  suffer  by  comparison  with  these  noble  ladies. 
As  a  matter  of  fact  you  are  surpassingly  finer  in  every 
way  than  ninety-nine  per  cent,  of  them, —  poor  things ! 
Marrying  an  English  duke  doesn't  make  a  genuine 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  111 

duchess  out  of  an  American  girl,  not  by  a  long  shot. 
She  merely  becomes  a  figure  of  speech.  Your  own  ex 
perience  should  tell  you  that.  Well,  it's  the  same  with 
all  of  them.  They  acquire  a  title,  but  not  the  homage 
that  should  go  with  it." 

We  were  both  standing  now.  She  was  still  measur 
ing  me  with  somewhat  incredulous  eyes,  rather  more 
tolerant  than  resentful. 

"  Do  you  expect  me  to  agree  with  you,  Mr.  Smart?  " 
she  asked. 

"I  do,"  said  I,  promptly.  "You,  of  all  people, 
should  be  able  to  testify  that  my  views  are  absolutely 
right." 

"  They  are  right,"  she  said,  simply.  "  Still  you  are 
pretty  much  of  a  brute  to  insult  me  with  them." 

"  I  most  sincerely  crave  your  pardon,  if  it  isn't  too 
late,"  I  cried,  abject  once  more.  (I  don't  know  what 
gets  into  me  once  in  a  while.) 

"  The  safest  way,  I  should  say,  is  for  neither  of 
us  to  express  an  opinion  so  long  as  we  are  thrown  into 
contact  with  each  other.  If  you  choose  to  tell  the 
world  what  you  think  of  me,  all  well  and  good.  But 
please  don't  tell  me" 

"  I  can't  convince  the  world  what  I  think  of  you 
for  the  simple  reason  that  I'd  be  speaking  at  random. 
I  don't  know  who  you  are." 

"  Oh,  you  will  know  some  day,"  she  said,  and  her 
shoulders  drooped  a  little. 

"  I've  —  I've  done  a  most  cowardly,  despicable  thing 
in  hunting  you  — " 

"  Please !  Please  don't  say  anything  more  about  it. 
I  dare  say  you've  done  me  a  lot  of  good.  Perhaps  I 
shall  see  things  a  little  more  clearly.  To  be  perfectly 
honest  with  you,  I  went  into  this  marriage  with  my 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

eyes  wide  open,  but  I  was  only  one  fool  among  many. 
Dozens  of  other  girls  in  my  set  were  crazy  to  marry 
him.  I  —  I  haven't  told  you  that  he  is  extremely  good- 
looking.  And  he  was  —  was  adorable  in  those  days." 

A  far-away,  dreamy  look  came  into  her  eyes.  She 
was  staring  at  me,  but  I  felt  myself  quite  outside  the 
range  of  her  vision. 

I  ventured  a  shrewd  conjecture,  considering  the  ob 
vious  character  of  her  abstraction. 

"  Stranger  things  have  happened  than  that  you 
should  patch  up  your  difficulties  and  go  back  to  live 
with  your  husband." 

She  uttered  a  little  cry  of  revulsion.  The  dreamy 
light  died  in  her  eyes  and  she  transfixed  me  with  a  look 
of  indignation. 

"  How  dare  you  suggest  such  a  thing !  How  dare 
you  speak  to  me  in  that  way !  You  —  I  ought  to  order 
you  out  of  this  room  and  never  —  never  — " 

My  luminous  smile  checked  the  outburst. 

"  Splendid !  "  I  cried.  "  You  convince  me  that  it  can 
never  happen." 

She  smiled  doubtfully,  quite  uncertain  how  to  take 
my  humour. 

"  Oh,  dear  me,"  she  sighed,  "  I  don't  believe  we  shall 
ever  get  on  at  all  well  together,  Mr.  Smart.  You  are 
such  a  whimsical  person." 

"  I'll  try  to  do  better,"  I  cried,  frankly  pleased  with 
the  situation.  "  Give  me  a  chance." 

"  You  spoke  of  him  as  my  husband,"  she  said,  going 
back  to  my  remark.  "  He  is  not  my  husband.  Please 
be  good  enough  to  remember  that." 

"  It  will  be  easy,  I  assure  you.  May  I  therefore 
venture  the  hope  that  if  you  ever  decide  to  marry  again 
you'll  give  some  deserving  American  a  chance  to  make 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  113 

you  his  queen  ?  You'll  find  it  better  than  being  a  count 
ess,  believe  me." 

"  I  shall  never  marry,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  with 
decision.  "  Never,  never  again  will  I  get  into  a  mess 
that  is  so  hard  to  get  out  of.  I  can  say  this  to  you 
because  I've  heard  you  are  a  bachelor.  You  can't  take 
offence." 

"  I  fondly  hope  to  die  a  bachelor,"  said  I  with 
humility. 

"  God  bless  you ! "  she  cried,  bursting  into  a  merry 
laugh,  and  I  knew  that  a  truce  had  been  declared  for 
the  time  being  at  least.  "  And  now  let  us  talk  sense. 
Have  you  carefully  considered  the  consequences  if  you 
are  found  out,  Mr.  Smart?  " 

"Found  out?" 

"  If  you  are  caught  shielding  a  fugitive  from  justice. 
I  couldn't  go  to  sleep  for  hours  last  night  thinking  of 
what  might  happen  to  you  if  — " 

"  Nonsense !  "  I  cried,  but  for  the  life  of  me  I  couldn't 
help  feeling  elated.  She  had  a  soul  above  self,  after 
all! 

"  You  see,  I  am  a  thief  and  a  robber  and  a  very 
terrible  malefactor,  according  to  the  reports  Max 
brings  over  from  the  city.  The  fight  for  poor  little 
Rosemary  is  destined  to  fill  columns  and  columns  in  the 
newspapers  of  the  two  continents  for  months  to  come. 
You,  Mr.  Smart,  may  find  yourself  in  the  thick  of  it. 
If  I  were  in  your  place,  I  should  keep  out  of  it." 

"  While  I  am  not  over j  oyed  by  the  prospect  of  being 
dragged  into  it,  Countess,  I  certainly  refuse  to  back 
out  at  this  stage  of  the  game.  Moreover,  you  may  rest 
assured  that  I  shall  not  turn  you  out." 

"  It  occurred  to  me  last  night  that  the  safest  thing 
for  you  to  do,  Mr.  Smart,  is  to  —  to  get  out  yourself." 


114.  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  stared.  She  went  on  hurriedly :  "  Can't  you  go  away 
for  a  month's  visit  or  — " 

"  Well,  upon  my  soul ! "  I  gasped.  "  Would  you 
turn  me  out  of  my  own  house?  This  beats  anything 
I've—" 

"  I  was  only  thinking  of  your  peace  of  mind  and  your 
—  your  safety,"  she  cried  unhappily.  "  Truly,  truly 
I  was." 

"  Well,  I  prefer  to  stay  here  and  do  what  little  I  can 
to  shield  you  and  Rosemary,"  said  I  sullenly. 

"  I'll  not  say  anything  horrid  again,  Mr.  Smart," 
she  said  quite  meekly.  (I  take  this  occasion  to  repeat 
that  I've  never  seen  any  one  in  all  my  life  so  pretty  as 
she!)  Her  moist  red  lip  trembled  slightly,  like  a  cen 
sured  child's. 

At  that  instant  there  came  a  rapping  on  the  door. 
I  started  apprehensively. 

"  It  is  only  Max  with  the  coal,"  she  explained,  with 
obvious  relief.  "  We  keep  a  fire  going  in  the  grate  all 
day  long.  You've  no  idea  how  cold  it  is  up  here  even 
on  the  hottest  days.  Come  in !  " 

Max  came  near  to  dropping  the  scuttle  when  he  saw 
me.  He  stood  as  one  petrified. 

"  Don't  mind  Mr.  Smart,  Max,"  s.aid  she  serenely. 
"  He  won't  bite  your  head  off." 

The  poor  clumsy  fellow  spilled  quantities  of  coal 
over  the  hearth  when  he  attempted  to  replenish  the  fire 
at  her  command,  and  moved  with  greater  celerity  in 
making  his  escape  from  the  room  than  I  had  ever  known 
him  to  exercise  before.  Somehow  I  began  to  regain  a 
lost  feeling  of  confidence  in  myself.  The  confounded 
Schmicks,  big  and  little,  were  afraid  of  me,  after  all. 

"  By  the  way,"  she  said,  after  we  had  lighted  our 
cigarettes,  "  I  am  nearly  out  of  these."  I  liked  the 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  115 

way  she  held  the  match  for  me,  and  then  flicked  it 
snappily  into  the  centre  of  a  pile  of  cushions  six  feeb 
from  the  fireplace. 

I  made  a  mental  note  of  the  shortage  and  then 
admiringly  said  that  I  didn't  see  how  any  man,  even  a 
count  could  help  adoring  a  woman  who  held  a  cigarette 
to  her  lips  as  she  did. 

"  Oh,"  said  she  coolly,  "  his  friends  were  willing 
worshippers,  all  of  them.  There  wasn't  a  man  among 
them  who  failed  to  make  violent  love  to  me,  and  with  the 
Count's  permission  at  that.  You  must  not  look  so 
shocked.  I  managed  to  keep  them  at  a  safe  distance. 
My  unreasonable  attitude  toward  them  used  to  annoy 
my  husband  intensely." 

"Good  Lord!" 

"  Pooh !  He  didn't  care  what  became  of  me.  There 
was  one  particular  man  whom  he  favoured  the  most.  A 
dreadful  man !  We  quarrelled  bitterly  when  I  declared 
that  either  he  or  I  would  have  to  leave  the  house  —  for 
ever.  I  don't  mind  confessing  to  you  that  the  man  I 
speak  of  is  your  friend,  the  gentle  Count  Hohendahl, 
some  time  ogre  of  this  castle." 

I  shuddered.  A  feeling  of  utter  loathing  for  all 
these  unprincipled  scoundrels  came  over  me,  and  I  mildly 
took  the  name  of  the  Lord  in  vain. 

With  an  abrupt  change  of  manner,  she  arose  from 
her  chair  and  began  to  pace  the  floor,  distractedly 
beating  her  clinched  hands  against  her  bosom.  Twice 
I  heard  her  murmur :  "  Oh,  God !  " 

This  startling  exposition  of  feeling  gave  me  a  most 
uncanny  shock.  It  came  out  of  a  clear  sky,  so  to  say, 
at  a  moment  when  I  was  beginning  to  regard  her  as 
cold-blooded,  callous,  and  utterly  without  the  emotions 
supposed  to  exist  in  the  breast  of  every  high-minded 


116  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

woman.  And  now  I  was  witness  to  the  pain  she 
suffered,  now  I  heard  her  cry  out  against  the  thing  that 
had  hurt  her  so  pitilessly.  I  turned  my  head  away, 
vastly  moved.  Presently  she  moved  over  to  the  window. 
A  covert  glance  revealed  her  standing  there,  looking 
not  down  at  the  Danube  that  seemed  so  far  away  but 
up  at  the  blue  sky  that  seemed  so  near. 

I  sat  very  still  and  repressed,  trying  to  remember 
the  harsh,  unkind  things  I  had  said  to  her,  and  berating 
myself  fiercely  for  all  of  them.  What  a  stupid,  vain 
glorious  ass  I  was,  not  to  have  divined  something  of  the 
inward  fight  she  was  making  to  conquer  the  emotions 
that  filled  her  heart  unto  the  bursting  point. 

The  sound  of  dry,  suppressed  sobs  came  to  my  ears. 
It  was  too  much  for  me.  I  stealthily  quit  my  position 
by  the  mantel-piece  and  tip-toed  toward  the  door,  bent 
on  leaving  her  alone.  Half-way  there  I  hesitated, 
stopped  and  then  deliberately  returned  to  the  fireplace, 
where  I  noisily  shuffled  a  fresh  supply  of  coals  into  the 
grate.  It  would  be  heartless,  even  unmannerly,  to  leave 
her  without  letting  her  know  that  I  was  heartily 
ashamed  of  myself  and  completely  in  sympathy  with 
her.  Wisely,  however,  I  resolved  to  let  her  have  her 
cry  out.  Some  one  a  great  deal  more  far-seeing  than 
I  let  the  world  into  a  most  important  secret  when  he 
advised  man  to  take  that  course  when  in  doubt. 

For  a  long  while  I  waited  for  her  to  regain  control 
of  herself,  rather  dreading  the  apology  she  would  feel 
called  upon  to  make  for  her  abrupt  reversion  to  the 
first  principles  of  her  sex.  The  sobs  ceased  entirely. 
I  experienced  the  sharp  joy  of  relaxation.  Her  dainty 
lace  handkerchief  found  employment.  First  she  would 
dab  it  cautiously  in  one  eye,  then  the  other,  after  which 
she  would  scrutinise  its  crumpled  surface  with  most 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  117 

extraordinary  interest.  At  least  a  dozen  times  she  re 
peated  this  puzzling  operation.  What  in  the  world 
was  she  looking  for?  To  this  day,  that  strange,  sly 
peeking  on  her  part  remains  a  mystery  to  me. 

She  turned  swiftly  upon  me  and  beckoned  with  her 
little  forefinger.  Greatly  concerned,  I  sprang  toward 
her.  Was  she  preparing  to  swoon?  What  in  heaven's 
name  was  I  to  do  if  she  took  it  into  her  pretty  head  to 
do  such  a  thing  as  that?  Involuntarily  I  shot  a  quick 
look  at  her  blouse.  To  my  horror  it  was  buttoned 
down  the  back.  It  would  be  a  bachelor's  luck  to  — 
But  she  was  smiling  radiantly.  Saved! 

"  Look !  "  she  cried,  pointing  upward  through  the 
window.  "  Isn't  she  lovely  ?  " 

I  stopped  short  in  my  tracks  and  stared  at  her  in 
blank  amazement.  What  a  stupefying  creature  she 
was ! 

She  beckoned  again,  impatiently.  I  obeyed  with 
alacrity.  Obtaining  a  rather  clear  view  of  her  eyes, 
I  was  considerably  surprised  to  find  no  trace  of  de 
parted  tears.  Her  cheek  was  as  smooth  and  creamy 
white  as  it  had  been  before  the  deluge.  Her  eyelids 
were  dry  and  orderly  and  her  nose  had  not  been  blown 
once  to  my  recollection.  Truly,  it  was  a  marvellous 
recovery.  I  still  wonder. 

The  cause  of  her  excitement  was  visible  at  a  glance. 
A  trim  nurse-maid  stood  in  the  small  gallery  which 
circled  the  top  of  the  turret,  just  above  and  to  the  right 
of  us.  She  held  in  her  arms  the  pink-hooded,  pink- 
coated  Rosemary,  made  snug  against  the  chill  winds  of 
her  lofty  parade  ground.  Her  yellow  curls  peeped  out 
from  beneath  the  lace  of  the  hood,  and  her  round  little 
cheeks  were  the  colour  of  the  peach's  bloom. 

"  Now,  isn't  she  lovely?  "  cried  my  eager  companion. 


118  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Even  a  crusty  bachelor  can  see  that  she  is  adorable." 

"  I  am  not  a  crusty  bachelor,"  I  protested  indig 
nantly,  "  and  what's  more,  I  am  positive  I  should  like  to 
kiss  those  red  little  cheeks,  which  is  saying  a  great  deal 
for  me.  I've  never  voluntarily  kissed  a  baby  in  my 
life." 

"  I  do  not  approve  of  the  baby-kissing  custom,"  she 
said  severely.  "  It  is  extremely  unhealthy  and  — 
middle-class.  Still,"  seeing  my  expression  change,  "  I 
sha'n't  mind  your  kissing  her  once." 

"  Thanks,"  said  I  humbly. 

It  was  plain  to  be  seen  that  she  did  not  intend  to 
refer  to  the  recent  outburst.  Superb  .exposition  of 
tact! 

Catching  the  nurse's  eye,  she  signalled  for  her  to 
bring  the  child  down  to  us.  Rosemary  took  to  me  at 
once.  A  most  embarrassing  thing  happened.  On 
seeing  me  she  held  out  her  chubby  arms  and  shouted 
"  da-da !  "  at  the  top  of  her  infantile  lungs.  That  had 
never  happened  to  me  before. 

I  flushed  and  the  Countess  shrieked  with  laughter. 
It  wouldn't  have  been  so  bad  if  the  nurse  had  known 
her  place.  If  there  is  one  thing  in  this  world  that  I. 
hate  with  fervour,  it  is  an  ill-mannered,  poorly-trained 
servant.  A  grinning  nurse-maid  is  the  worst  of  all.  I 
may  be  super-sensitive  and  crotchety  about  such  things, 
but  I  can  see  no  excuse  for  keeping  a  servant  —  es 
pecially  a  nurse-maid  —  who  laughs  at  everything 
that's  said  by  her  superiors,  even  though  the  quip  may 
be  no  more  side-splitting  than  a  two  syllabled  "  da-da." 

"  Ha,  ha !  "  I  laughed  bravely.  "  She  —  she  evi 
dently  thinks  I  look  like  the  Count.  He  is  very  hand 
some,  you  say." 

"  Oh,  that  isn't  it,"  criecl  the  Countess,  taking  Rose- 


I  DISCUSS  MATRIMONY  119 

mary  in  her  arms  and  directing  me  to  a  spot  on  her 
rosy  cheek.  "  Kiss  right  there,  Mr.  Smart.  There ! 
Wasn't  it  a  nice  kiss,  honey-bunch?  If  you  are  a  very, 
very  nice  little  girl  the  kind  gentleman  will  kiss  you  on 
the  other  cheek  some  day.  She  calls  every  man  she 
meets  da-da,"  explained  the  radiant  young  mother. 
"  She's  awfully  European  in  her  habits,  you  see.  You 
need  not  feel  flattered.  She  calls  Conrad  and  Rudolph 
and  Max  da-da,  and  this  morning  in  the  back  window 
she  applied  the  same  handsome  compliment  to  your  Mr. 
Poopendyke." 

"  Oh,"  said  I,  rather  more  crestfallen  than  relieved. 

"Would  you  like  to  hold  her,  Mr.  Smart?  She's 
such  a  darling  to  hold." 

"  No  —  no,  thank  you,"  I  cried,  backing  off. 

"  Oh,  you  will  come  to  it,  never  fear,"  she  said  gaily, 
as  she  restored  Rosemary  to  the  nurse's  arms.  "  Won't 
he,  Blake?" 

"  He  will,  my  lady,"  said  Blake  with  conviction.  I 
noticed  this  time  that  Blake's  smile  wasn't  half  bad. 

At  that  instant  Jinko,  the  chow,  pushed  the  door  open 
with  his  black  nose  and  strolled  imposingly  into  the 
room.  He  proceeded  to  treat  me  in  the  most  cavalier 
fashion  by  bristling  and  growling. 

The  Countess  opened  her  eyes  very  wide. 

"  Dear  me,"  she  sighed,  "  you  must  be  very  like  the 
Count,  after  all.  Jinko  never  growls  at  any  one  but 
him." 


At  dinner  that  evening  I  asked  Poopendyke  point 
blank  if  he  could  call  to  mind  a  marriage  in  New  York 
society  that  might  fit  the  principals  in  this  puzzling 
case. 


120  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

He  hemmed  and  hawed  and  appeared  to  be  greatly 
confused. 

"  Really,  sir,  I  —  I  —  really,  I  — " 

"  You  make  it  a  point  to  read  all  of  the  society 
news,"  I  explained ;  "  and  you  are  a  great  hand  for 
remembering  names  and  faces.  Think  hard." 

"  As  a  matter  of  fact,  Mr.  Smart,  I  do  remember  this 
particular  marriage  very  clearly,"  said  he,  looking  down 
at  his  plate. 

"You  do?"  I  shouted  eagerly.  The  new  footman 
stared.  "  Splendid !  Tell  me,  who  is  she  —  or  was 
she?" 

My  secretary  looked  me  steadily  in  the  eye. 

"  I'm  sorry,  sir,  but  —  but  I  can't  do  it.  I  prom 
ised  her  this  morning  I  wouldn't  let  it  be  dragged  out 
of  me  with  red  hot  tongs." 


CHAPTER    VII 

I  BECEIVE  VISITORS 

SHE  was  indeed  attended  by  faithful  slaves. 

The  east  wing  of  the  castle  was  as  still  as  a  mouse  on 
the  day  my  house  party  arrived.  Grim  old  doors  took 
on  new  padlocks,  keyholes  were  carefully  stopped  up; 
creaking  floors  were  calked;  windows  were  picketed  by 
uncompromising  articles  of  furniture  deployed  to  keep 
my  ruthless  refugee  from  adventuring  too  close  to  the 
danger  zone ;  and  adamantine  instructions  were  served 
out  to  all  of  my  vassals.  Everything  appeared  to  be 
in  tip-top  shape  for  the  experiment  in  stealth. 

And  yet  I  trembled.  My  secret  seemed  to  be  safely 
planted,  but  what  would  the  harvest  be?  I  knew  I 
should  watch  those  upper  windows  with  hypnotic  zeal, 
and  listen  with  straining  ears  for  the  inevitable  squall 
of  a  child  or  the  bark  of  a  dog.  My  brain  ran  riot 
with  incipient  subterfuges,  excuses,  apologies  and  lies 
with  which  my  position  was  to  be  sustained. 

There  would  not  be  a  minute  during  the  week  to  come 
when  I  would  be  perfectly  free  to  call  my  soul  my  own, 
and  as  for  nerves!  well,  with  good  luck  they  might 
endure  the  strain.  Popping  up  in  bed  out  of  a  sound 
sleep  at  the  slightest  disturbance,  with  ears  wide  open 
and  nerves  tingling,  was  to  be  a  nightly  occupation  at 
uncertain  intervals ;  that  was  plain  to  be  seen.  All  day 
long  I  would  be  shivering  with  anxiety  and  praying  for 
night  to  come  so  that  I  might  lie  awake  and  pray  for 

the  sun  to  rise,  and  in  this  way  pass  the  time  as  quickly 

121 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

as  possible.  There  would  be"  difficulty  in  getting  my 
visitors  to  bed  early,  another  thing  to  test  my  power 
at  conniving.  They  were  bridge  players,  of  course, 
and  as  such  would  be  up  till  all  hours  of  the  morning 
overdoing  themselves  in  the  effort  to  read  each  other's 
thoughts. 

I  thanked  the  Lord  that  my  electric  lighting  system 
would  not  be  installed  until  after  they  had  departed. 
Ordinarily  the  Lord  isn't  thanked  when  an  electric 
light  company  fail's  to  perform  its  work  on  schedule 
time,  but  in  this  case  delay  was  courted. 

We  were  all  somewhat  surprised  and  not  a  little  dis 
organised  by  the  appearance  of  four  unexpected 
servants  in  the  train  of  my  party.  We  hadn't  counted 
on  anything  quite  so  elaborate.  There  were  two  lady's 
maids,  not  on  friendly  terms  with  each  other ;  a  French 
valet  who  had  the  air  of  one  used  to  being  served  on  a 
tray  outside  the  servants'  quarters ;  and  a  German  at 
tendant  with  hands  constructed  especially  for  the  pur 
pose  of  kneading  and  gouging  the  innermost  muscles 
of  his  master,  who  it  appears  had  to  be  kneaded  and 
gouged  three  times  a  day  by  a  masseur  in  order  to 
stave  off  paralysis,  locomotor  ataxia  or  something 
equally  unwelcome  to  a  high  liver. 

We  had  ample  room  for  all  this  physical  increase, 
but  no  beds.  I  transferred  the  problem  to  Poopendyke. 
How  he  solved  it  I  do  not  know,  but  from  the  woe-be- 
gone  expression  on  his  face  the  morning  after  the  first 
night,  and  the  fact  that  Britton  was  unnecessarily 
rough  in  shaving  me,  I  gathered  that  the  two  of  them 
had  slept  on  a  pile  of  rugs  in  the  lower  hall. 

Elsie  Hazzard  presented  me  to  her  friends  and,  with 
lordly  generosity,  I  presented  the  castle  to  them.  Her 
husband,  Dr.  George,  thanked  me  for  saving  all  their 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  123 

lives  and  then,  feeling  a  draft,  turned  up  his  coat  collar 
and  informed  me  that  we'd  all  die  if  I  didn't  have  the 
cracks  stopped  up.  He  seemed  unnecessarily  testy 
about  it. 

There  was  a  Russian  baron  (the  man  who  had  to  be 
kneaded)  the  last  syllable  of  whose  name  was  vitch,  the 
first  five  evading  me  in  a  perpetual  chase  up  and  down 
the  alphabet.  For  brevity's  sake,  I'll  call  him  Um- 
ovitch.  The  French  valet's  master  was  a  Viennese 
gentleman  of  twenty-six  or  eight  (I  heard),  but  who 
looked  forty.  I  found  myself  wondering  how  dear, 
puritanic,  little  Elsie  Hazzard  could  have  fallen  in  with 
two  such  unamiable  wrecks  as  these  fellows  appeared  to 
be  at  first  sight. 

The  Austrian's  name  was  Pless.  He  was  a  plain 
mister.  The  more  I  saw  of  him  the  first  afternoon  the 
more  I  wondered  at  George  Hazzard's  carelessness. 
Then  there  were  two  very  bright  and  charming  Amer 
icans,  the  Billy  Smiths.  He  was  connected  with  the 
American  Embassy  at  Vienna,  and  I  liked  him  from  the 
start.  You  could  tell  that  he  was  the  sort  of  a  chap 
who  is  bound  to  get  on  in  the  world  by  simply  looking 
at  his  wife.  The  man  who  could  win  the  love  and 
support  of  such  an  attractive  creature  must  of  neces 
sity  have  qualifications  to  spare.  She  was  very  beauti 
ful  and  very  clever.  Somehow  the  unforgetable  re 
splendency  of  my  erstwhile  typist  (who  married  the 
jeweller's  clerk)  faded  into  a  pale,  ineffective  drab  when 
opposed  to  the  charms  of  Mrs.  Betty  Billy  Smith. 
(They  all  called  her  Betty  Billy.) 

After  luncheon  I  got  Elsie  off  in  a  corner  and  plied 
her  with  questions  concerning  her  friends.  The  Billy 
Smiths  were  easily  accounted  for.  They  belonged  to 
the  most  exclusive  set  in  New  York  and  Newport.  He 


124  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

had  an  incomprehensible  lot  of  money  and  a  taste  for 
the  diplomatic  service.  Some  day  he  would  be  an  Am 
bassador.  The  Baron  was  in  the  Russian  Embassy 
and  was  really  a  very  nice  boy. 

"  Boy  ?  "  I  exclaimed. 

"  He  is  not  more  than  thirty,"  said  she.  "  You 
wouldn't  call  that  old."  There  was  nothing  I  could 
say  to  that  and  still  be  a  perfect  host.  But  to  you  I 
declare  that  he  wasn't  a  day  under  fifty.  How  blind 
women  can  be!  Or  is  silly  the  word? 

From  where  we  sat  the  figure  of  Mr.  Pless  was  plainly 
visible  in  the  loggia.  He  was  alone,  leaning  against 
the  low  wall  and  looking  down  upon  the  river.  He 
puffed  idly  at  a  cigarette.  His  coal  black  hair  grew 
very  sleek  on  his  smallish  head  and  his  shoulders  were 
rather  high,  as  if  pinched  upward  by  a  tendency  to 
defy  a  weak  spine. 

"And  this  Mr.  Pless,  who  is  he?  " 

Elsie  was  looking  at  the  rakish  young  man  with  a 
pitying  expression  in  her  tender  blue  eyes. 

"  Poor  fellow,"  she  sighed.  "  He  is  in  great  trouble, 
John.  We  hoped  that  if  we  got  him  off  here  where  it 
is  quiet  he  might  be  able  to  forget —  Oh,  but  I  am 
not  supposed  to  tell  you  a  word  of  the  story !  We  are 
all  sworn  to  secrecy.  It  was  only  on  that  condition 
that  he  consented  to  come  with  us." 

"Indeed!" 

She  hesitated,  uncomfortably  placed  between  two 
duties.  She  owed  one  to  him  and  one  to  me. 

"  It  is  only  fair,  John,  that  you  should  know  that 
Pless  is  not  his  real  name,"  she  said,  lowering  her  voice. 
"  But,  of  course,  we  stand  sponsor  for  him,  so  it  is  all 
right." 

"  Your  word  is  sufficient,  Elsie." 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  125 

She  seemed  to  be  debating  some  inward  question. 
The  next  I  knew  she  moved  a  little  closer  to  me. 

"  His  life  is  a  —  a  tragedy,"  she  whispered.  "  His 
heart  is  broken,  I  firmly  believe.  Oh !  " 

The  Billy  Smiths  came  up.  Elsie  proceeded  to  with 
draw  into  herself. 

"  We  were  speaking  of  Mr.  Pless,"  said  I.  "  He  has 
a  broken  heart." 

The  newcomers  looked  hard  at  poor  Elsie. 

"  Broken  fiddle-sticks,"  said  Billy  Smith,  nudging 
Elsie  until  she  made  room  for  him  beside  her  on  the 
long  couch.  I  promptly  made  room  for  Betty  Billy. 

"  We  ought  to  tell  John  just  a  little  about  him,"  said 
Elsie  defensively.  "  It  is  due  him,  Billy." 

"  But  don't  tell  him  the  fellow's  heart  is  broken. 
That's  rot." 

"  It  isn't  rot,"  said  his  wife.  "  Wouldn't  your  heart 
be  broken?  " 

He  crossed  his  legs  comfortably. 

" Wouldn't  it?"  repeated  Betty  Billy. 

"  Not  if  it  were  as  porous  as  his.  You  can't  break 
a  sponge,  my  dear." 

"What  happened  to  it?"  I  inquired,  mildly  inter 
ested. 

"  Women,"  said  Billy  impressively. 

"  Then  it's  easily  patched,"  said  I.  "  Like  cures 
like." 

"  You  don't  understand,  John,"  said  Elsie  gravely. 
"  He  was  married  to  a  beautiful  — " 

"  Now,  Elsie,  you're  telling,"  cautioned  Betty  Billy. 

"  Well,"  said  Elsie  doggedly,  "  I'm  determined  to  tell 
this  much:  his  name  isn't  Pless,  his  wife  got  a  divorce 
from  him,  and  now  she  has  taken  their  child  and  run 
off  with  it  and  they  can't  find  —  what's  the  matter?" 


126  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

My  eyes  were  almost  popping  from  my  head. 

"  Is  —  is  he  a  count?  "  I  cried,  so  loudly  that  they 
all  said  "  sh ! "  and  shot  apprehensive  glances  toward 
the  pseudo  Mr.  Pless. 

"  Goodness !  "  said  Elsie  in  alarm.  "  Don't  shout, 
John." 

Billy  Smith  regarded  me  speculatively.  "  I  daresay 
Mr.  Smart  has  read  all  about  the  affair  in  the  news 
papers.  They've  had  nothing  else  lately.  I  won't  say 
he  is  a  count,  and  I  won't  say  he  isn't.  We're  bound 
by  a  deep,  dark,  sinister  oath,  sealed  with  blood." 

"  I  haven't  seen  anything  about  it  in  the  papers," 
said  I,  trying  to  recover  my  self-possession  which  had 
sustained  a  most  tremendous  shock. 

"  Thank  heaven !  "  cried  Elsie  devoutly. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  won't  tell  me  his  name  ?  " 
I  demanded. 

Elsie  eyed  me  suspiciously.  "  Why  did  you  ask  if 
he  is  a  count?  " 

"  I  have  a  vague  recollection  of  hearing  some  one 
speak  of  a  count  having  trouble  with  his  young  Ameri 
can  wife,  divorce,  or  something  of  the  sort.  A  very 
prominent  New  York  girl,  if  I'm  not  mistaken.  All 
very  hazy,  however.  What  is  his  name?  " 

"  John,"  said  Mrs.  Hazzard  firmly,  "  you  must  not 
ask  us  to  tell  you.  Won't  you  please  understand  ?  " 

"  The  poor  fellow  is  almost  distracted.  Really,  Mr. 
Smart,  we  planned  this  little  visit  here  simply  in  order 
to  —  to  take  him  out  of  himself  for  a  while.  It  has 
been  such  a  tragedy  for  him.  He  worshipped  the 
child."  It  was  Mrs.  Billy  who  spoke. 

"  And  the  mother  made  way  with  him  ?  "  I  queried, 
resorting  to  a  suddenly  acquired  cunning. 

"  It  is  a  girl,"  said  Elsie  in  a  loud  whisper.     "  The 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  127 

loveliest  girl.  The  mother  appeared  in  Vienna  about 
three  weeks  or  a  month  ago  and  —  whiff !  Off  goes  the 
child.  Abducted  — >  kidnapped !  And  the  court  had 
granted  him  the  custody  of  the  child.  That's  what 
makes  it  so  terrible.  If  she  is  caught  anywhere  in 
Europe  —  well,  I  don't  know  what  may  happen  to  her. 
It  is  just  such  silly  acts  as  this  that  make  American 
girls  the  laughing  stocks  of  the  whole  world.  I  give 
you  my  word  I  am  almost  ashamed  to  have  people  point 
me  out  and  say :  '  There  goes  an  American.  Pooh ! '  " 

By  this  time  I  had  myself  pretty  well  in  hand. 

"  I  daresay  the  mother  loved  the  child,  which  ought 
to  condone  one  among  her  multitude  of  sins.  I  take  it, 
of  course,  that  she  was  entirely  to  blame  for  everything 
that  happened." 

They  at  once  proceeded  to  tear  the  poor  little  mother 
to  shreds,  delicately  and  with  finesse,  to  be  sure,  but 
none  the  less  completely.  No  doubt  they  meant  to  be 
charitable. 

"  This  is  what  a  silly  American  nobody  gets  for  try 
ing  to  be  somebody  over  here  just  because  her  father 
has  a  trunkful  of  millions,"  said  Elsie,  concluding  a 
rather  peevish  estimate  of  the  conjugal  effrontery  laid 
at  the  door  of  Mr.  Pless's  late  wife. 

"  Or  just  because  one  of  these  spendthrift  foreigners 
has  a  title  for  sale,"  said  Billy  Smith  sarcastically. 

"  He  was  deeply  in  love  with  her  when  they  were 
married,"  said  his  wife.  "  I  don't  believe  it  was  his 
fault  that  they  didn't  get  along  well  together." 

"  The  truth  of  the  matter  is,"  said  Elsie  with  finality, 
"  she  couldn't  live  up  to  her  estate.  She  was  a  drag, 
a  stone  about  his  neck.  It  was  like  putting  one's 
waitress  at  the  head  of  the  table  and  expecting  her  to 
make  good  as  a  hostess." 


128  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"What  was  her  social  standing  in  New  York?"  I 
enquired. 

"  Oh,  good  enough,"  said  Betty  Billy.  "  She  was  in 
the  smartest  set,  if  that  is  a  recommendation." 

"  Then  you  admit,  both  of  you,  that  the  best  of  our 
American  girls  fall  short  of  being  all  that  is  required 
over  here.  In  other  words,  they  can't  hold  a  candle  to 
the  Europeans." 

"  Not  at  all,"  they  both  said  in  a  flash. 

"  That's  the  way  it  sounds  to  me." 

Elsie  seemed  repentant.  "  I  suppose  we  are  a  little 
hard  on  the  poor  thing.  She  was  very  young,  you  see." 

"  What  you  mean  to  say,  then,  is  that  she  wasn't 
good  enough  for  Mr.  Pless  and  his  coterie." 

"  No,  not  just  precisely  that,"  admitted  Betty  Billy 
Smith.  "  She  made  a  bid  for  him  and  got  him,  and  my 
contention  is  that  she  should  have  lived  up  to  the 
bargain." 

"  Wasn't  he  paid  in  full  ?  "  I  asked,  with  a  slight 
sneer. 

"  What  do  you  mean?  " 

"  Didn't  he  get  his  money?  " 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  see  what  money  has  to  do  with 
the  case,"  said  Elsie,  with  dignity.  "  Mr.  Pless  is  a 
poor  man  I've  heard.  There  could  not  have  been  very 
much  of  a  marriage  settlement." 

"  A  mere  million  to  start  with,"  remarked  Billy  Smith 
ironically.  "  It's  all  gone,  my  dear  Elsie,  and  I  gather 
that  father-in-law  locked  the  trunk  you  speak  of  and 
hid  the  key.  You  don't  know  women  as  well  as  I  do, 
Mr.  Smart.  Both  of  these  charming  ladies  professed  to 
adore  Mr.  Pless's  wife  up  to  the  time  the  trial  for 
divorce  came  up.  Now  they've  got  their  hammers  and 
hat-pins  out  for  her  and  — " 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  129 

"  That  isn't  true,  Billy  Smith,"  cried  Elsie  in  a  fierce 
whisper.  "  We  stood  by  her  until  she  disobeyed  the 
mandate  —  or  whatever  you  call  it  —  of  the  court. 
She  did  steal  the  child,  and  you  can't  deny  it." 

"  Poor  little  kiddie,"  said  he,  and  from  his  tone  I 
gathered  that  all  was  not  rosy  in  the  life  of  the  infant 
in  this  game  of  battledore  and  shuttlecock. 

To  my  disgust,  the  three  of  them  refused  to  en 
lighten  me  further  as  to  the  history,  identity  or  char 
acter  of  either  Mr.  or  Mrs.  Pless,  but  of  course  I  knew 
that  I  was  entertaining  under  my  roof,  by  the  most  ex 
traordinary  coincidence,  the  Count  and  Countess  of 
Something-or-other,  who  were  at  war,  and  the  child  they 
were  fighting  for  with  motives  of  an  entirely  opposite 
nature. 

Right  or  wrong,  my  sympathies  were  with  the  refugee 
in  the  lonely  east  wing.  I  was  all  the  more  determined 
now  to  shield  her  as  far  as  it  lay  in  my  power  to  do  so, 
and  to  defend  her  if  the  worst  were  to  happen. 

Mr.  Pless  tossed  his  cigarette  over  the  railing  and 
sauntered  over  to  join  us. 

"  I  suppose  you've  been  discussing  the  view,"  he  said 
as  he  came  up.  There  was  a  mean  smile  on  his  —  yes, 
it  was  a  rather  handsome  face  —  and  the  two  ladies 
started  guiltily.  The  attack  on  his  part  was  particu 
larly  direct  when  one  stops  to  consider  that  there 
wasn't  any  view  to  be  had  from  where  we  were  sitting, 
unless  one  could  call  a  three-decked  plasterer's  scaf 
folding  a  view. 

"  We've  been  (discussing  the  recent  improvements 
about  the  castle,  Mr.  Pless,"  said  I  with  so  much  direct 
ness  that  I  felt  Mrs.  Billy  Smith's  arm  stiffen  and 
suspected  a  general  tension  of  nerves  from  head  to 
foot. 


130  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  You  shouldn't  spoil  the  place,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  he, 
with  a  careless  glance  about  him. 

"Don't  ruin  the  ruins,"  added  Billy  Smith,  of  the 
(diplomatic  corps. 

"What  time  do  we  dine?"  asked  Mr.  Pless,  with  a 
suppressed  yawn. 

"  At  eight,"  said  Elsie  promptly. 

We  were  in  the  habit  of  dining  at  seven-thirty,  but 
I  was  growing  accustomed  to  the  over-riding  process, 
so  allowed  my  dinner  hour  to  be  changed  without  a 
word. 

"  I  think  I'll  take  a  nap,"  said  he.  With  a  languid 
smile  and  a  little  flaunt  of  his  hand  as  if  dismissing  us, 
he  moved  languidly  off,  but  stopped  after  a  few  steps  to 
say  to  me :  "  We'll  explore  the  castle  to-morrow,  Mr. 
Smart,  if  it's  just  the  same  to  you."  He  spoke  with  a 
very  slight  accent  and  in  a  peculiarly  attractive  man 
ner.  There  was  charm  to  the  man,  I  was  bound  to 
admit.  "  I  know  Schloss  Rothhoefen  very  well.  It  is 
an  old  stamping  ground  of  mine." 

"  Indeed,"  said  I,  affecting  surprise. 

"  I  spent  a  very  joyous  season  here  not  so  many 
years  ago.  Hohendahl  is  a  bosom  friend." 

When  he  was  quite  out  of  hearing,  Billy  Smith  leaned 
over  and  said  to  me :  "  He  spent  his  honeymoon  here, 
old  man.  It  was  the  girls'  idea  to  bring  him  here  to 
assuage  the  present  with  memories  of  the  past.  Quite 
a  pretty  sentiment,  eh?  " 

"  It  depends  on  how  he  spent  it,"  I  said  significantly. 
Smith  grinned  approvingly.  Being  a  diplomat  he 
sensed  my  meaning  at  once. 

"  It  was  a  lot  of  money,"  he  said. 

At  dinner  the  Russian  baron,  who  examined  every 
particle  of  food  he  ate  with  great  care  and  discrim- 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  131 

ination,  evidently  looking  for  poison,  embarrassed  me 
in  the  usual  fashion  by  asking  how  I  write  my  books, 
where  I  get  my  plots,  and  all  the  rest  of  the  questions 
that  have  become  so  hatefully  unanswerable,  ending  up 
by  blandly  enquiring  what  I  had  written.  This  was 
made  especially  humiliating  by  the  prefatory  remark 
that  he  had  lived  in  Washington  for  five  years  and  had 
read  everything  that  was  worth  reading. 

If  Elsie  had  been  a  man  I  should  have  kicked  her  for 
further  confounding  me  by  mentioning  the  titles  of  all 
my  books  and  saying  that  he  surely  must  have  read 
them,  as  everybody  did,  thereby  supplying  him  with  the 
chance  to  triumphantly  say  that  he'd  be  hanged  if  he'd 
ever  heard  of  any  one  of  them.  I  shall  always  console 
myself  with  the  joyful  thought  that  I  couldn't  re 
member  his  infernal  name  and  would  now  make  it  a  point 
never  to  do  so. 

Mr.  Pless  openly  made  love  to  Elsie  and  the  Baron 
openly  made  love  to  Betty  Billy.  Being  a  sort  of  non 
committal  bachelor,  I  ranged  myself  with  the  two  aban 
doned  husbands  and  we  had  quite  a  reckless  time  of  it, 
talking  with  uninterrupted  devilishness  about  the 
growth  of  American  dentistry  in  European  capitals, 
the  way  one  has  his  nails  manicured  in  Germany,  the 
upset  price  of  hot-house  strawberries,  the  relative  merit 
of  French  and  English  bulls,  the  continued  progress 
of  the  weather  and  sundry  other  topics  of  similar  pi 
quancy.  Elsie  invited  all  of  us  to  a  welsh  rarebit  party 
she  was  giving  at  eleven-thirty,  and  then  they  got  to 
work  at  the  bridge  table,  poor  George  Hazzard  cutting 
in  occasionally.  This  left  Billy  Smith  and  me  free  to 
make  up  a  somewhat  somnolent  two-some. 

I  was  eager  to  steal  away  to  the  east  wing  with  the 
news,  but  how  to  dispose  of  Billy  without  appearing 


132  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

rude  was  more  than  I  could  work  out.  It  was  absolutely 
necessary  for  the  Countess  to  know  that  her  ex-husband 
was  in  the  castle.  I  would  have  to  manage  in  some  way 
to  see  her  before  the  evening  was  over.  The  least  care 
lessness,  the  smallest  slip  might  prove  the  undoing  of 
both  of  us. 

I  wondered  how  she  would  take  the  dismal  news. 
Would  she  become  hysterical  and  go  all  to  pieces? 
Would  the  prospect  of  a  week  of  propinquity  be  too 
much  for  her,  even  though  thick  walls  intervened  to  put 
them  into  separate  worlds?  Or,  worst  of  all,  would  she 
reveal  an  uncomfortable  spirit  of  bravado,  rashly 
casting  discretion  to  the  winds  in  order  to  show  him 
that  she  was  not  the  timid,  beaten  coward  he  might 
suspect  her  of  being?  She  had  once  said  to  me  that 
she  loathed  a  coward. 

I  have  always  wondered  how  it  felt  to  be  in  a  "  pretty 
kettle  of  fish,"  or  a  "  pickle,"  or  any  of  the  synonymous 
predicaments.  Now  I  knew.  Nothing  could  have  been 
more  synchronous  than  the  plural  howdy-do  that  con 
fronted  me. 

My  nervousness  must  have  been  outrageously  pro 
nounced.  Pacing  the  floor,  looking  at  one's  watch, 
sighing  profoundly,  putting  one's  hands  in  the  pockets 
and  taking  them  out  again  almost  immediately,  letting 
questions  go  by  unanswered,  and  all  such,  are  actions 
or  conditions  that  usually  produce  the  impression  that 
one  is  nervous.  A  discerning  observer  seldom  fails  to 
note  the  symptoms. 

Mr.  Smith  said  to  me  at  nine-sixteen  (I  know  it  was 
exactly  nine-sixteen  to  the  second)  with  polite  convic 
tion  in  his  smile :  "  You  seem  to  have  something  on  your 
mind,  old  chap." 

Now  no  one  but  a  true  diplomat  recognises  the  psy- 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  133 

chological  moment  for  calling  an  almost  total  stranger 
"  old  chap." 

"  I  have,  old  fellow,"  said  I,  immensely  relieved  by 
his  perspicuity.  "  I  ought  to  get  off  five  or  six  very 
important  letters  to  — " 

He  interrupted  me  with  a  genial  wave  of  his  hand. 
"  Run  along  and  get  'em  off,"  he  said.  "  Don't  mind 
me.  I'll  look  over  the  magazines." 

Ten  minutes  later  I  was  sneaking  up  the  interminable 
stairways  in  the  sepulchral  east  wing,  lighting  and  re 
lighting  a  tallow  candle  with  grim  patience  at  every 
other  landing  and  luridly  berating  the  drafts  that 
swept  the  passages.  Mr.  Poopendyke  stood  guard 
below  at  the  padlocked  doors,  holding  the  keys.  He 
was  to  await  my  signal  to  reopen  them,  but  he  was  not 
to  release  me  under  any  circumstance  if  snoopers  were 
abroad. 

My  secretary  was  vastly  disturbed  by  the  news  I 
imparted.  He  was  so  startled  that  he  forgot  to  tell  me 
that  he  wouldn't  spend  another  night  on  a  pile  of  rugs 
with  Britton  as  a  bed-fellow,  an  omission  which  gave 
Britton  the  opportunity  to  anticipate  him  by  almost 
giving  notice  that  very  night.  (The  upshot  of  it  was 
the  hasty  acquisition  of  two  brand  new  iron  beds  the 
next  day,  and  the  restoration  of  peace  in  my  domestic 
realm. ) 

Somewhat  timorously  I  knocked  at  the  Countess's 
door.  I  realised  that  it  was  a  most  unseemly  hour  for 
calling  on  a  young,  beautiful  and  unprotected  lady, 
but  the  exigencies  of  the  moment  lent  moral  support  to 
my  invasion. 

After  waiting  five  minutes  and  then  knocking  again 
so  loudly  that  the  sound  reverberated  through  the 
empty  halls  with  a  sickening  clatter,  I  heard  some  one 


134  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

fumbling  with  the  bolts.  The  door  opened  an  inch  or 
two. 

The  Countess's  French  maid  peered  out  at  me. 

*'  Tell  your  mistress  that  I  must  see  her  at  once." 

"  Madame  is  not  at  home,  m'sieur,"  said  the  young 
woman. 

"  Not  at  home?  "  I  gasped.     "  Where  is  she?  " 

"  Madame  has  gone  to  bed." 

"  Oh,"  I  said,  blinking.  "  Then  she  is  at  home. 
Present  my  compliments  and  ask  her  to  get  up.  Some 
thing  very  exasperating  has  hap — " 

"  Madame  has  request  me  to  inform  m'sieur  that 
she  knows  the  Count  is  here,  and  will  you  be  so  good  as 
to  call  to-morrow  morning." 

"What!  She  knows  he's  here?  Who  brought  the 
information?  " 

"  The  bountiful  Max,  m'sieur.  He  bring  it  with 
dejeuner,  again  with  diner,  and  but  now  with  the  hot 
water,  m'sieur." 

"  Oh,  I  see,"  said  I  profoundly.  "  In  that  case,  I 
—  I  sha'n't  disturb  her.  How  —  er  —  how  did  she 
take  it?" 

She  gave  me  a  severely  reproachful  look. 

"  She  took  it  as  usual,  m'sieur.  In  that  dreadful 
little  tin  tub  old  Conrad  — " 

"  Good  heavens,  girl !  I  mean  the  news  —  the  news 
about  the  Count." 

"  Mon  dieu !  I  thought  m'sieur  refer  to  —  But 
yes !  She  take  it  beautifully.  I  too  mean  the  news. 
Madame  is  not  afraid.  Has  she  not  the  good,  brave 
m'sieur  to  —  what  you  call  it  —  to  shoulder  all  the 
worry,  no?  She  is  not  alarm.  She  reads  m'sieur's 
latest  book  in  bed,  smoke  the  cigarette,  and  she  say 
what  the  divil  do  she  care." 


I  RECEIVE  VISITORS  135 

"  What ! " 

"  Non,  non !  I,  Helene  Marie  Louise  Antoinette, 
say  it  for  Madame.  Pardon!  Pardon,  m'sieur!  It 
is  I  who  am  wicked." 

Very  stiffly  and  ceremoniously  I  advised  caution  for 
the  next  twelve  hours,  and  saying  good  night  to  Helene 
Marie  Louise  Antoinette  in  an  unintentionally  compli 
mentary  whisper,  took  myself  off  down  the  stairs,  pur 
sued  by  an  equally  subdued  bon  soir  which  made  me 
feel  like  a  soft-stepping  Lothario. 

Now  it  may  occur  to  you  that  any  self-respecting 
gentleman  in  possession  of  a  castle  and  a  grain  of  com 
mon  sense  would  have  set  about  to  find  out  the  true 
names  of  the  guests  beneath  his  roof.  The  task  would 
have  been  a  simple  one,  there  is  no  doubt  of  that.  A 
peremptory  command  with  a  rigid  alternative  would 
have  brought  out  the  truth  in  a  jiffy. 

But  it  so  happens  that  I  rather  enjoyed  the  mystery. 
The  situation  was  unique,  the  comedy  most  exhilara 
ting.  Of  course,  there  was  a  tragic  side  to  the  whole 
matter,  but  now  that  I  was  in  for  it,  why  minimise  the 
novelty  by  adopting  arbitrary  measures?  Three  min 
utes  of  stern  conversation  with  Elsie  Hazzard  would 
enlighten  me  on  all  the  essential  points ;  perhaps  half  an 
hour  would  bring  Poopendyke  to  terms ;  a  half  a  day 
might  be  required  in  the  brow-beating  of  the  frail 
Countess.  With  the  Schmicks,  there  was  no  hope.  But 
why  not  allow  myself  the  pleasure  of  enjoying  the 
romantic  feast  that  had  been  set  before  me  by  the  gods 
of  chance?  Chance  ordered  the  tangle;  let  chance  un 
ravel  it.  Somewhat  gleefully  I  decided  that  it  would 
be  geod  fun  to  keep  myself  in  the  dark  as  long  as 
possible ! 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  said  I,  after  that  nervous  facto- 


136  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

turn  had  let  me  into  my  side  of  the  castle  with  gratify 
ing  stealthiness,  "  you  will  oblige  me  by  not  mentioning 
that  fair  lady's  name  in  my  presence." 

"  You  did  not  stay  very  long,  sir,"  said  he  in  a  sad 
whisper,  and  for  the  life  of  me  I  couldn't  determine  what 
construction  to  put  upon  the  singularly  unresponsive 
remark. 

When  I  reached  the  room  where  my  guests  were  as 
sembled,  I  found  Mr.  Pless  and  the  Baron  Umovitch 
engaged  in  an  acrimonious  dispute  over  a  question  of 
bridge  etiquette.  The  former  had  resented  a  sharp 
criticism  coming  from  the  latter,  and  they  were  waging 
a  verbal  battle  in  what  I  took  to  be  five  or  six  different 
tongues,  none  of  which  appeared  to  bear  the  slightest 
relationship  to  the  English  language.  Suddenly  Mr. 
Pless  threw  his  cards  down  and  left  the  table,  without  a 
word  of  apology  to  the  two  ladies,  who  looked  more  hurt 
than  appalled. 

He  said  he  was  going  to  bed,  but  I  noticed  that  he 
took  himself  off  in  the  direction  of  the  moonlit  loggia. 
We  were  still  discussing  his  defection  in  subdued  tones 
—  with  the  exception  of  the  irate  baron  —  when  he  re- 
entered  the  room.  The  expression  on  his  face  was 
mocking,  even  accusing.  Directing  his  words  to  me, 
he  uttered  a  lazy  indictment. 

"  Are  there  real  spirits  in  your  castle,  Mr.  Smart, 
or  have  you  flesh  and  blood  mediums  here  who  roam 
about  in  white  night  dresses  to  study  the  moods  of  the 
moon  from  the  dizziest  ramparts  ?  " 

I  started.  What  indiscretion  had  the  Countess  been 
up  to  ? 

"  I  don't  quite  understand  you,  Mr.  Pless,"  I  said, 
with  a  politely  blank  stare. 

Confound  his  insolence!     He  winked  at  me! 


CHAPTER     VIII 

I   KESOET   TO    DIPLOMACY 

"  MY  dear  Countess,"  said  I,  the  next  morning,  "  while 
I  am  willing  to  admit  that  all  you  say  is  true,  there  still 
remains  the  unhappy  fact  that  you  were  very  near  to 
upsetting  everything  last  night.  Mr.  Pless  saw  you 
quite  plainly.  The  moon  was  very  full,  you'll  remem 
ber.  Fortunately  he  was  too  far  away  from  your 
window  to  recognise  you.  Think  how  easy  it  might  — " 

"  But  I've  told  you  twice  that  I  held  my  hand  over 
Pinko's  nose  and  he  just  couldn't  bark,  Mr.  Smart. 
You  are  really  most  unreasonable  about  it.  The  dog 
had  to  have  a  breath  of  fresh  air." 

"  Why  not  send  him  up  to  the  top  of  the  tower  and 
let  him  run  around  on  the  — " 

"  Oh,  there's  no  use  talking  about  it  any  longer," 
she  said  wearily.  "  It  is  all  over  and  no  real  harm 
was  done.  I  am  awfully  soruy  if  they  made  it  un 
comfortable  for  you.  It  is  just  like  him  to  suggest 
something  —  well,  scandalous.  And  the  rest  of  them 
are  dreadful  teases,  especially  Mrs.  Smith.  They  love 
anything  risque.  But  you  haven't  told  me  what  they 
said  that  kept  you  awake  all  night." 

My  dignity  was  worth  beholding. 

"  It  was  not  what  they  said  to  me,  Countess,  but  what 
they  left  unsaid.  I  sha'n't  tell  you  what  they  said." 

"  I  think  I  can  make  a  pretty  good  guess  — " 

"  Well,  you  needn't !  "  I  cried  hastily,  but  too  late. 
She  would  out  with  it. 

"  They  accuse  you  of  being  a  sad,  sad  dog,  a  foxy 

137 


138  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

bachelor,  and  a  devil  of  a  fellow.  They  all  profess  to 
be  very  much  shocked,  but  they  assure  you  that  it's  all 
right, —  not  to  mind  them.  They  didn't  think  you  had 
it  in  you,  and  they're  glad  to  see  you  behaving  like  a 
scamp.  Oh,  I  know  them!" 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  she  was  pretty  near  to  being 
right.  "  All  the  more  reason  for  you  to  be  cautious 
and  circumspect,"  said  I  boldly.  "  Pray  think  of  my 
position,  if  not  your  own." 

She  gave  me  a  queer  little  look  and  then  smiled 
brightly.  (She  is  lovely !) 

"  I'll  promise  to  be  good,"  she  said. 

"  I  only  ask  you  to  be  careful,"  said  I,  blunderingly. 
She  laughed  aloud:  her  merriest,  most  distracting 
gurgle. 

"  And  now  will  you  be  good  enough  to  tell  me  who 
I  am?"  she  asked,  after  a  few  minutes.  "That  is, 
who  am  I  supposed  to  be?  " 

"  Oh,"  said  I  uneasily,  "  you  are  really  nobody. 
You  are  Britton's  wife." 

"What!     Does  Britton  know  it?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  I,  with  a  wry  smile.  "  He  took  a  mean 
advantage  of  me  in  the  presence  of  George  Hazzard 
not  an  hour  ago,  and  asked  for  a  raise  in  wages  on 
account  of  his  wife's  illness.  It  seems  that  you  are  an 
invalid." 

"  I  hope  he  hasn't  forgotten  the  baby  in  his  calcu 
lations." 

"  He  hasn't,  you  may  be  sure.  He  has  named  the 
baby  after  me." 

"  How  original !  " 

"  I  thought  it  rather  clever  to  change  Rosemary's 
sex  for  a  few  days,"  said  I.  "  Moreover,  it  will  be 
necessary  for  Britton  to  take  Max's  place  as  y»ur 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  139 

personal  servant.     He  will  fetch  your  meals  and  — " 
"  Oh,  I  can't  agree  to  that,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  cried 

with  decision.     "  I  must  have  Max.     He  is  — " 

"  But  Britton  must  have  some  sort  of  a  pretext  for 

5> 

"  Nonsense !  No  one  cares  about  Britton  and  his 
sick  wife.  Let  well  enough  alone." 

"  I  —  I'll  think  it  over,  Countess,"  said  I  weakly. 

"  And  now  tell  me  all  about  —  Mr.  Pless.  How  is 
he  looking?  Does  he  appear  to  be  unhappy?  "  There 
was  a  curious  note  in  her  voice,  as  of  anxiety  or  eager 
ness,  it  was  hard  to  tell  which.  In  any  case,  I  found 
myself  inwardly  resenting  her  interest  in  the  sneering 
Hungarian.  (I  had  discovered  that  he  was  not  an 
Austrian.)  There  was  a  queer  sinking  sensation  in  the 
region  of  my  heart,  and  a  slight  chill.  Could  it  be 
possible  that  she  —  But  no !  It  was  preposterous ! 

"  He  appears  to  be  somewhat  sentimental  and  pre 
occupied.  He  gazes  at  the  moon  and  bites  his  nails." 

"I  —  I  wish  I  could  have  a  peep  at  him  some  time 
without  being — " 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  don't  even  consider  such  a 
thing,"  I  cried  in  alarm. 

"  Just  a  little  peek,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  pleaded. 

«No!"  said  I  firmly. 

"  Very  well,"  she  said  resignedly,  fixing  me  with  hurt 
eyes.  "  I'm  sorry  to  be  such  a  bother  to  you." 

"  I  believe  you'll  go  back  to  him,  after  all,"  I  said 
angrily.  "  Women  are  all  alike.  They  — " 

"  Just  because  I  want  to  see  how  unhappy  he  is,  and 
enjoy  myself  a  little,  you  say  horrid  things  to  me," 
she  cried,  almost  pathetically.  "  You  treat  me  very 
badly." 

"There  is  a  great  deal  at  stake,"  said  I.     "The 


140  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

peril  is  —  well,  it's  enormous.  I  am  having  the  devil's 
own  time  heading  off  a  scheme  they've  got  for  exploring 
the  entire  castle.  Your  hus  —  your  ex-husband  says 
he  knows  of  a  secret  door  opening  into  this  part  of 
the  — " 

She  sprang  to  her  feet  with  a  sharp  cry  of  alarm. 

"Heavens!  I  —  I  forgot  about  that!  There  is  a 
secret  panel  and  —  heaven  save  us !  —  it  opens  directly 
into  my  bedroom ! "  Her  eyes  were  very  wide  and  full 
of  consternation.  She  gripped  my  arm.  "  Come ! 
Be  quick!  We  must  pile  something  heavy  against  it, 
or  nail  it  up,  or  —  do  something." 

She  fairly  dragged  me  out  into  the  corridor,  and 
then,  picking  up  her  dainty  skirts,  pattered  down  the 
rickety  stairs  at  so  swift  a  pace  that  I  had  some  diffi 
culty  in  keeping  her  pink  figure  in  sight.  Why  is  it 
that  a  woman  can  go  downstairs  so  much  faster  than  a 
man?  I've  never  been  able  to  explain  it.  She  didn't 
stumble  once,  or  miss  a  step,  while  I  did  all  manner  of 
clumsy  things,  and  once  came  near  to  pitching  head 
long  to  the  bottom.  We  went  down  and  down  and 
round  and  round  so  endlessly  that  I  was  not  only  gasp 
ing  but  reeling. 

At  last  we  came  to  the  broad  hall  at  the  top  of  the 
main  staircase.  Almost  directly  in  front  of  us  loomed 
the  great  padlocked  doors  leading  to  the  other  wing. 
Passing  them  like  the  wind  she  led  the  way  to  the  far 
thermost  end  of  the  hall.  Light  from  the  big,  pane- 
less  windows  overlooking  the  river,  came  streaming  into 
the  vast  corridor,  and  I  could  see  doors  ahead  to  the 
right  and  the  left  of  us. 

"  Your  bedroom  ?  "  I  managed  to  gasp,  uttering  a 
belated  question  that  should  have  been  asked  five  or 
six  flights  higher  up  at  a  time  when  I  was  better  quali- 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  141 

fled  to  voice  it.  "  What  the  dickens  is  it  doing  down 
here?  " 

She  did  not  reply,  but,  turning  to  the  left,  threw 
open  a  door  and  disappeared  into  the  room  beyond. 
I  followed  ruthlessly,  but  stopped  just  over  the  thres 
hold  to  catch  my  breath  in  astonishment. 

I  was  in  "  my  lady's  bed-chamber." 

The  immense  Gothic  bed  stood  on  its  dais,  imposing 
in  its  isolation.  Three  6r  four  very  modern  innova 
tion  trunks  loomed  like  minarets  against  the  opposite 
walls,  half-open ;  one's  imagination  might  have  been 
excused  if  it  conjured  up  sentries  who  stood  ready  to 
pop  out  of  the  trunks  to  scare  one  half  to  death.  Some 
of  my  most  precious  rugs  adorned  the  floor,  but  the 
windows  were  absolutely  undraped.  There  were  a  few 
old  chairs  scattered  about,  but  no  other  article  of  furni 
ture  except  an  improvised  wash-stand,  and  a  clumsy, 
portable  tin  bath-tub  which  leaned  nonchalantly 
against  the  foot  of  the  bed.  There  were  great  mir 
rors,  in  the  wall  at  one  end  of  the  room,  cracked  and 
scaly  it  is  true,  but  capable  of  reflecting  one's  pres 
ence. 

"  Don't  stand  there  gaping,"  she  cried  in  a  shrill 
whisper,  starting  across  the  room  only  to  turn  aside 
with  a  sharp  exclamation.  "  That  stupid  Helene !  " 
she  cried,  flushing  warmly.  Catching  up  a  heap  of 
tumbled  garments,  mostly  white,  from  a  chair,  she 
recklessly  hurled  them  behind  the  bed.  "  This  is  the 
mirror  —  the  middle  one.  It  opens  by  means  of  a 
spring.  There  is  a  small  hole  in  the  wall  behind  it 
and  then  there  is  still  another  secret  door  beyond  that, 
a  thick  iron  one  with  the  sixth  Baron  Rothhoefen's 
portrait  on  the  outer  side  of  it.  The  canvas  swings 
open.  We  must — " 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  was  beginning  to  get  my  bearings. 

"The  sixth  baron?     Old  Ludwig  the  Red?" 

"The  very  one." 

"  Then,  by  Jove,  he  is  in  my  study !  You  idon't 
mean  to  say  — " 

"  Please  don't  stop  to  talk,"  she  cried  impatiently, 
looking  about  in  a  distracted  manner,  "  but  for  good 
ness  sake  get  something  to  put  against  this  mirror." 

My  mind  worked  rapidly.  The  only  object  in  the 
room  heavy  enough  to  serve  as  a  barricade  was  the 
bed,  and  it  was  too  heavy  for  me  to  move,  I  feared.  I 
suggested  it,  of  course,  involuntarily  lowering  my 
voice  to  a  conspiratorial  whisper. 

"  Pull  it  over,  quick !  "  she  commanded  promptly. 

"  Perhaps  I'd  better  run  out  and  get  Max  and 
Ru— " 

"  If  my  hus  —  if  Mr.  Pless  should  open  that  secret 
door  from  the  other  side,  Mr.  Smart,  it  will  be  very 
embarrassing  for  you  and  me,  let  — " 

I  put  my  shoulder  to  the  huge  creaky  bed  and 
shoved.  There  were  no  castors.  It  did  not  budge. 
The  Countess  assisted  me  by  putting  the  tips  of  her 
small  fingers  against  one  end  of  it  and  pushing.  It 
was  not  what  one  would  call  a  frantic  effort  on  her  part, 
but  it  served  to  make  me  exert  myself  to  the  utmost. 
I,  a  big  strong  man,  couldn't  afford  to  have  a  slim 
countess  pushing  a  bedstead  about  while  I  was  there 
to  do  it  for  her. 

"  Don't  do  that,"  I  protested.  "  I  can  manage  it 
alone,  thank  you." 

I  secured  a  strong  grip  on  the  bottom  of  the  thing 
and  heaved  manfully. 

"  You  might  let  me  help,"  she  cried,  firmly  grasp 
ing  a  side  piece  with  both  hands. 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  143 

The  bed  moved.  The  veins  stood  out  on  my  neck 
and  temples.  My  face  must  have  been  quite  purple, 
and  it  is  a  hue  that  I  detest.  When  I  was  a  very 
small  laddie  my  mother  put  me  forward  to  be  admired 
in  purple  velveteen.  The  horror  of  it  still  lingers. 

By  means  of  great  straining  I  got  the  heavy  bed 
over  against  the  mirror,  upsetting  the  tin  bathtub 
with  a  crash  that  under  ordinary  circumstances  would 
have  made  my  heart  stand  still  but  now  only  tripled 
its  pumping  activities.  One  of  the  legs  was  hope 
lessly  splintered  in  the  drop  from  the  raised  plat 
form. 

"  There,"  she  said,  standing  bff  to  survey  our  joint 
achievement,  "  we've  stopped  it  up  very  nicely."  She 
brushed  the  tips  of  her  fingers  daintily.  "  This  after 
noon  you  may  fetch  up  a  hammer  and  some  nails  and 
fasten  the  mirror  permanently.  Then  you  can  move 
the  bed  back  to  its  proper  place.  Goodness !  What 
a  narrow  squeak !  " 

"  Madam,"  said  I,  my  hand  on  my  heart  but  not 
through  gallantry,  "  that  bed  stays  where  it  is.  Not 
all  the  king's  horses  nor  all  the  king's  men  can  put  it 
back  again." 

"Was  it  so  heavy,  Mr.  Smart?" 

I  swallowed  very  hard.  A  prophetic  crick  already 
had  planted  itself  in  my  back.  "  Will  you  forgive 
me  if  I  submit  that  you  sleep  quite  a  distance  from 
home?  "  I  remarked  with  justifiable  irony.  "Why  the 
deuce  don't  you  stay  on  the  upper  floors  ?  " 

"  Because  I  am  mortally  afraid,"  she  said,  with  a 
little  shudder.  "  You've  no  idea  how  lonely,  how 
spooky  it  is  up  there  at  the  dead  hour  of  night.  I 
couldn't  sleep.  After  the  third  night  I  had  my  things 
moved  down  here,  where  I  could  at  least  feel  that  there 


144  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

were  strong  men  within  —  you  might  say  arm's  length 
of  me.  I'm  —  I'm  shockingly  timid." 

She  smiled;  a  wavering,  pleading  little  smile  that 
conquered. 

"  Of  course,  I  don't  mind,  Countess,"  I  hastened  to 
say.  "  Only  I  thought  it  would  be  cosier  up  there 
with  Rosemary  and  the  two  maids  for  company." 

She  leaned  a  little  closer  to  me.  "  We  all  sleep 
down  here,"  she  said  confidentially.  "  We  bring  Rose 
mary's  little  mattress  down  every  night  and  put  it  -in 
the  bathtub.  It  is  a  very  good  fit  and  makes  quite 
a  nice  cradle  for  her.  Helene  and  Blake  sleep  just 
across  the  hall  and  we  leave  the  doors  wide  open.  So, 
you  see,  we're  not  one  bit  afraid." 

I  sat  down  on  the  edge  of  the  bed  and  laughed. 

"  This  is  delicious,"  I  cried,  not  without  compunc 
tion  for  I  was  looking  directly  into  her  eager,  wistful 
eyes.  A  shadow  crossed  them.  "  I  beg  your  pardon. 
I  —  I  can't  help  laughing." 

"  Pray  do  not  stop  laughing  on  my  account,"  she 
said  icily.  "  I  am  used  to  being  laughed  at  since  I  left 
America.  They  laugh  at  all  of  us  over  here." 

"  I  dare  say  they  laugh  at  me,  confound  them,"  said 
I,  lugubriously. 

"  They  do,"  said  she  flatly.  Before  I  could  quite 
recover  from  this  sentient  dig,  she  was  ordering  me 
to  put  the  bathtub  where  it  belonged.  This  task  com 
pleted,  I  looked  up.  She  was  standing  near  the  head 
of  the  bed,  with  a  revolver  in  her  hand.  I  stared.  "  I 
keep  it  under  my  pillow,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  nerv 
ously.  I  said  nothing,  and  she  replaced  it  under  the 
piljow,  handling  the  deadly  weapon  as  gingerly  as  if  it 
were  the  frailest  glass.  "  Of  course  I  couldn't  hit 
anything  with  it,  and  I  know  I  should  scream  when  it 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  145 

went  off,  but  still  —  accidents  will  happen,  you  know." 

"  Um ! "  said  I,  judicially.  "  And  so  my  study  is 
just  beyond  this  mirror,  eh?  May  I  enquire  how  you 
happen  to  know  that  I  have  my  study  there  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  peeked  in  the  other  day,"  she  said,  serene 
once  more. 

"  The  deuce  you  did !  " 

"  I  was  quite  sure  that  you  were  out,"  she  explained. 
"  I  opened  I«udwig  the  Red  an  inch  or  two,  that's  all. 
You  are  quite  cosy  in  there,  aren't  you?  I  envy  you 
the  grand  old  chaise  longe." 

I  wavered,  but  succeeded  in  subduing  the  impulse. 
"  It  is  the  only  comfortable  piece  of  furniture  I  have 
left  in  my  apartments,"  said  I,  with  convincing  can 
dour. 

"  You  poor  man,"  she  said,  with  her  rarest  smile. 
"  How  fortunate  you  are  that  I  did  not  remember  the 
chaise  longe.  You  would  have  been  deprived  of  it,  I 
am  quite  sure.  Of  course  I  couldn't  think  of  robbing 
you  of  it  now." 

"  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  never  lie  in  it,"  I  said,  sub 
mitting  to  a  once  conquered  impulse.  "  If  you'd  really 
like  to  have  it,  I'll  see  that  it  is  taken  up  to  your  rooms 
at  once." 

"  Thank  you,"  she  said,  shaking  her  head.  "  It's 
kind  of  you,  but  I  am  not  so  selfish  as  all  that,  believe 
me." 

"  It  is  —  quite  in  the  way,  Countess." 

"  Some  one  would  be  sure  to  miss  it  if  you  sent  it 
up  now,"  she  said  reflectively. 

"  We'll  wait  till  they're  all  gone,"  said  I. 

She  smiled  and  the  bargain  was  settled  without  a 
word  from  her.  You've  heard  of  men  being  wrapped 
about  little  fingers,  haven't  you?  Well,  there  you  are. 


146  rA  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

We  returned  to  the  corridor.  She  closed  the  door 
softly,  a  mockery  in  view  of  the  clatter  I  had  made  in 
shifting  the  bed  and  its  impediments. 

"  We  can't  be  too  careful,"  she  said  in  a  whisper* 
She  might  have  spoken  through  a  megaphone  and  still 
been  quite  safe.  We  were  tramping  up  the  stairs. 
"  Don't  you  think  your  guests  will  consider  you  rather 
inhospitable  if  you  stay  away  from  them  all  morn- 
ing?" 

I  stopped  short.  "  By  Jove,  now  that  you  remind 
me  of  it,  I  promised  to  take  them  all  out  for  a  spin  in 
the  motor  boat  before  luncheon.  Hazzard  has  had  his 
boat  sent  down." 

She  looked  positively  unhappy.  "  Oh,  how  I  should 
love  to  get  out  for  a  spin  on  the  river!  I  wonder  if 
I'll  ever  be  free  to  enjoy  the  things  I  like  most  of — " 

"  Listen !  "  I  whispered  suddenly,  grasping  her  arm. 
"  Did  you  hear  footsteps  in  the  —  Sh ! " 

Some  one  was  walking  over  the  stone  floor  in  the 
lower  hall,  brisk  strides  that  rang  out  quite  clearly  as 
they  drew  nearer. 

"  It  is  —  it  is  Mr.  Pless,"  she  whispered  in  a  panic. 
"  I  recognise  his  tread.  As  if  I  could  ever  forget  it ! 
Oh,  how  I  hate  him !  He  — " 

"  Don't  stop  here  to  tell  me  about  it,"  I  cut  in 
sharply.  "  Make  haste !  Get  up  to  your  rooms  and 
lock  yourself  in.  I'll  —  I'll  stop  him.  How  the  deuce 
did  he  get  into  this  side  of  the  — " 

"  Through  tHe  dungeons.  There  is  a  passage,"  she 
whispered,  and  then  she  was  gone,  flying  noiselessly  up 
the  narrow  stairway. 

Assuming  a  nonchalance  I  certainly  did  not  feel,  I 
descended  the  stairs.  We  met  in  the  broad  hallway 
below.  Mr.  Pless  approached  slowly,  evidently  having 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  147 

checked  his  sgeed  on  hearing  my  footsteps  on  the  stairs. 

"  Hello,"  I  said  agreeably.     "  How  did  you  get  in?  " 

He  surveyed  me  coolly.  "  I  know  the  castle  from 
top  to  bottom,  Mr.  Smart.  To  be  perfectly  frank 
with  you,- 1  tried  the  secret  panel  in  your  study  but 
found  the  opposite  door  blocked.  You  have  no  oti- 
jection,  I  trust,  to  my  looking  over  the  castle?  It  is 
like  home  to  me." 

My  plan  was  to  detain  him  in  conversation  until  she 
had  time  to  secrete  herself  on  the  upper  floor.  Some 
how  I  anticipated  the  banging  of  a  door,  and  it  came 
a  moment  later  —  not  loud  but  very  convicting,  just 
the  same.  He  glanced  at  me  curiously. 

"  Then  how  did  you  get  in?  "  I  repeated,  cringing 
perceptibly  in  response  to  the  slam  of  the  distant  door. 

"  By  the  same  means,  I  daresay,  that  you  employ," 
said  he. 

For  a  moment  I  was  confounded.  Then  my  wits 
came  to  the  rescue. 

"  I  see.  Through  the  dungeon.  You  do  know  the 
castle  well,  Mr.  Pless." 

"  It  is  a  cobwebby,  unlovely  passage,"  said  he,  brush 
ing  the  dirt  and  cobwebs  from  his  trousers.  My  own 
appearance  was  conspicuously  immaculate,  but  I 
brushed  in  unison,  just  the  same. 

"  Grewsome,"  said  I. 

He  was  regarding  me  with  a  curious  smile  in  his  eyes, 
a  pleasantly  bantering  smile  that  had  but  one  meaning. 
Casting  an  eye  upwards,  he  allowed  his  smile  to  spread. 

"  Perhaps  you'd  rather  I  didn't  disturb  Mrs. — 
Mrs.—" 

"  Britton,"  said  I.  "  My  valet's  wife.  I  don't  be 
lieve  you  will  disturb  her.  She's  on  the  top  floor,  I 
thimk." 


148  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

He  still  smiled.  "  A  little  remote  from  Britton, 
isn't  she?" 

I  think  I  glared.  What  right  had  he  to  meddle  in 
Britton's  affairs? 

"  I  am  afraid  your  fancy  draws  a  rather  long  bow, 
Mr.  Pless,"  said  I,  coldly. 

He  was  at  once  apologetic.  "  If  I  offend,  Mr. 
Smart,  pray  forgive  me.  You  are  quite  justified  in 
rebuking  me.  Shall  we  return  to  our  own  ladies  ?  " 

Nothing  could  have  been  more  adroit  than  the  way 
he  accused  me  in  that  concluding  sentence.  It  was  the 
quintessence  of  irony. 

"  I'd  like  to  have  your  opinion  as  to  the  best  way 
of  restoring  or  repairing  those  mural  paintings  in  the 
dome  of  the  east  hall,"  I  said,  detaining  him.  It  was 
necessary  for  me  to  have  a  good  excuse  for  rummaging 
about  in  the  unused  part  of  the  castle.  "  It  seems  too 
bad  to  let  those  wonderful  paintings  go  to  ruin.  They 
are  hanging  down  in  some  places,  and  are  badly  cracked 
in  others.  I've  been  worrying  about  them  ever  since 
I  came  into  possession.  For  instance,  that  Murillo 
in  the  centre.  It  must  be  preserved." 

He  gave  me  another  queer  look,  and  I  congratulated 
myself  on  the  success  of  my  strategy. 

He  took  it  all  in.  The  mocking  light  died  out  in 
his  eyes,  and  he  at  once  became  intensely  interested 
in  my  heaven-sent  project.  For  fifteen  or  twenty  min 
utes  we  discussed  the  dilapidated  frescoes  and  he  gave 
me  the  soundest  sort  of  advice,  based  on  a  knowledge 
and  experience  that  surprised  me  more  than  a  little. 
He  was  thoroughly  up  in  matters  of  art.  His  own 
chateau  near  Buda  Pesth,  he  informed  me,  had  only 
recently  undergone  complete  restoration  in  every  par 
ticular.  A  great  deal  of  money  had  been  required, 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  149 

but  the  expenditures  had  been  justified  by  the  results. 

Paintings  like  these  had  been  restored  to  their  origi 
nal  glory,  and  so  on  and  so  forth.  He  offered  to  give 
me  the  address  of  the  men  in  Munich  who  had  per 
formed  such  wonders  for  him,  and  suggested  rather 
timidly  that  he  might  be  of  considerable  assistance  to 
me  in  outlining  a  system  of  improvements.  I  could 
not  help  being  impressed.  His  manner  was  most  agree 
able.  When  he  smiled  without  malice,  his  dark  eyes 
were  very  boyish.  One  could  then  forget  the  hard 
lines  of  dissipation  in  his  face,  and  the  domineering, 
discontented  expression  which  gave  to  him  the  aspect 
of  a  far  greater  age  than  he  had  yet  attained.  A  note 
of  eager  enthusiasm  in  his  voice  proved  beyond  cavil 
that  if  this  sprig  of  nobility  had  had  half  a  chance  in 
the  beginning  he  might  have  been  nobler  than  be  was 
to-day.  But  underneath  the  fascinating  charm  of 
manner,  back  of  the  old  world  courtliness,  there  lurked 
the  ever  dominant  signs  of  intolerance,  selfishness  and 
—  even  cruelty.  He  was  mean  to  the  core.  He  had 
never  heard  of  the  milk  of  human  kindness,  much  less 
tasted  of  it. 

There  was  no  getting  away  from  the  fact  that  he 
despised  me  for  no  other  reason  than  that  I  was  an 
American.  I  could  not  help  feeling  the  derision  in 
which  he  held  not  only  me  but  the  Hazzards  and  the 
Smiths  as  well.  He  looked  upon  all  of  us  as  coming 
from  an  inferior  race,  to  be  tolerated  only  as  passers- 
by  and  by  no  means  worthy  of  his  august  consideration. 
We  were  not  of  his  world  and  never  could  be. 

Ignoble  to  him,  indeed,  must  have  been  the  wife  who 
came  with  the  vulgar  though  welcome  dollars  and  an 
ambition  to  be  kis  equal  and  the  sharer  of  his  heaven- 
born  glory !  He  oould  not  eren  pity  her ! 


150  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

While  he  was  discoursing  so  amiably  upon  the  sub 
jects  he  knew  so  well  by  means  of  an  inherited  intel 
ligence  that  came  down  through  generations,  I  allowed 
my  thoughts  to  drift  upstairs  to  that  frightened, 
hunted  little  fellow-countrywoman  of  mine,  as  intoler 
ant,  as  vain  perhaps  as  he  after  a  fashion,  and  cursed 
the  infernal  custom  that  lays  our  pride  so  low.  In 
finitely  nobler  than  he  and  yet  an  object  of  scorn  to 
him  and  all  his  people,  great  and  small;  a  discredited 
interloper  who  could  not  deceive  the  lowliest  menial 
in  her  own  household  into  regarding  her  as  anything 
but  an  imitation.  Her  loveliness  counted  for  naught. 
Her  wit,  her  charm,  her  purity  of  heart  counted  for 
even  less  than  that.  She  was  a  thing  that  had  been 
bartered  for  and  could  be  cast  aside  without  loss  — 
a  pawn.  And  she  had  committed  the  inconceivable  sin 
of  rebelling  against  the  laws  of  commerce:  she  had 
defaulted!  They  would  not  forgive  her  for  that. 

My  heart  warmed  toward  her.  She  had  been  afraid 
of  the  dark!  I  can  forgive  a  great  deal  in  a  person 
who  is  afraid  of  the  dark. 

I  looked  at  my  watch.  Assuming  a  careless  man 
ner,  I  remarked: 

'*  I  am  afraid  we  shall  be  late  for  the  start.  Are 
you  going  out  with  us  in  the  boat  or  would  you  prefer 
to  browse  about  a  little  longer?  Will  you  excuse  me? 
I  must  be  off." 

His  cynical  smile  returned.  "  I  shall  forego  the 
pleasure  of  browsing  in  another  man's  pasture,  if  you 
don't  mind." 

It  was  almost  a  direct  accusation.  He  did  not  be 
lieve  a  word  of  the  Britton  story.  I  suddenly  found 
myself  wondering  if  he  suspected  the  truth.  Had  he, 
by  any  chance,  traced  the  fugitive  cwuntess  to  my 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  151 

doors?  Were  his  spies  hot  upon  the  trail?  Or  had 
she  betrayed  herself  by  indiscreet  acts  during  the  past 
twenty-four  hours?  The  latter  was  not  unlikely;  I 
knew  her  whims  and  her  faults  by  this  time.  In  either 
case,  I  had  come  to  feel  decidedly  uncomfortable,  so 
much  so,  in  fact,  that  I  was  content  to  let  the  innuendo 
pass  without  a  retort.  It  behooved  me  to  keep  my 
temper  as  well  as  my  wits. 

"  Come  along,"  said  I,  starting  off  in  the  direction 
of  the  lower  regions.  He  followed.  I  manoeuvred 
with  suck  success  that  ultimately  he  took  the  lead.  I 
hadn't  the  remotest  idea  how  to  get  to  the  confounded 
dungeons ! 

It  never  rains  but  it  pours.  Just  as  we  were  descend 
ing  the  last  flight  of  stairs  before  coming  to  the  wind 
ing  stone  steps  that  led  far  down  into  the  earth,  who 
but  Britton  should  come  blithely  up  from  the  posterior 
regions  devoted  to  servants  and  their  ilk.  He  was 
carrying  a  long  pasteboard  box.  I  said  something 
impressive  under  my  breath.  Britton,  on  seeing  us, 
stopped  short  in  his  tracks.  He  put  the  box  behind 
his  back  and  gazed  at  me  forlornly. 

"  Ah,  Britton,"  said  I,  recovering  myself  most  creid- 
itably ;  "  going  up  to  see  little  John  Bellamy,  I  sup 
pose." 

I  managed  to  shoot  a  covert  look  at  Mr.  Pless.  He 
was  gazing  at  the  half-hidden  box  with  a  perfectly 
impassive  face,  and  yet  I  knew  that  there  was  a  smile 
about  him  somewhere. 

The  miserable  box  contained  roses,  I  knew,  because 
I  had  ordered  them  for  Rosemary. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  my  valet,  quite  rigid  with  uncer 
tainty,  "  in  a  way,  sir."  A  bright  look  flashed  into 
his  face.  "  I'm  taking  up  the  wash,  Mr.  Smart.  From 


152  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

the  laundry  over  in  the  town,  sir.  It  is  somethink 
dreadful  the  way  they  mangle  things,  sir.  Especially 
lady's  garments.  Thank  you,  sir." 

He  stood  aside  to  let  us  pass,  the  box  pinned  be 
tween  him  and  the  wall.  Never  in  my  life  have  I  known 
roses  with  a  more  pungent  and  penetrating  odour! 
Britton  seemed  to  fairly  reek  with  it. 

"  I  like  the  perfumes  the  women  are  using  nowa 
days,"  said  Mr.  Pless  affably,  as  we  felt  our  way  down 
the  steps. 

"  Attar  of  roses,"  said  I,  sniffing. 

"Umph!"  said  he. 

It  was  quite  dark  and  very  damp  in  the  underground 
passages.  I  had  the  curious  sensation  of  lizards  wrig 
gling  all  about  me  in  the  sinister  shadows.  Then  and 
there  I  resolved  that  the  doors  of  this  pestilential 
prison  should  be  locked  and  double  locked  and  never 
opened  again,  while  I  was  master  of  the  place. 

Moreover,  old  man  Schmick  was  down  for  a  bad  half- 
hour  with  me.  How  came  these  doors  to  be  unlocked 
when  the  whole  place  was  supposed  to  be  as  tight  as  a 
drum?  If  nothing  else  sufficed,  the  two  prodigious 
Schmicks  would  be  required  to  stand  guard,  day  and 
night,  with  bludgeons  if  needs  be.  I  intended  to  keep 
snooping  busybodies  out  of  that  side  of  the  castle  if 
I  had  to  nail  up  every  door  in  the  place,  even  at  the 
risk  of  starving  those  whom  I  would  defend. 

Especially  was  I  firm  in  my  resolve  to  keep  the  med 
dling  ex-husband  in  his  proper  place.  Granted  that 
he  suspected  me  of  a  secret  amour,  what  right  had  he 
to  concern  himself  about  it?  None  whatever.  I  was 
not  the  first  baron  to  hold  a  fair  prisoner  within  these 
powerful  walls,  and  I  meant  to  stand  upon  my  dignity 
and  my  rights,  as  every  man  should  who  —  But,  great 


I  RESORT  TO  DIPLOMACY  153 

heaven,  what  an  imbecile  view  to  take  of  the  matter! 
Truly  my  brain  was  playing  silly  tricks  for  me  as  I 
stumbled  through  the  murky  corridors.  I  had  my 
imagination  in  a  pretty  fair  state  of  subjection  by  the 
time  we  emerged  from  the  dungeons, and  started  up  the 
steps.  Facts  were  facts,  and  I  would  have  to  stick 
to  them.  That  is  why  I  bethought  myself  to  utter 
this  sage  observation: 

"  Britton  is  a  faithful,  obliging  fellow,  Mr.  Pless. 
It  isn't  every  Englishman  who  will  gracefully  submit 
to  being  chucked  out  of  comfortable  quarters  to  make 
room  for  others.  We're  a  bit  crowded,  you  know. 
He  gave  up  his  room  like  a  gentleman  and  moved  over 
temporarily  into  the  other  wing.  He  was  afraid,  don't 
you  see,  that  the  baby  might  disturb  my  guests.  A 
very  thoughtful,  dependable  fellow." 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  a  very  dependable  fellow,  Mr. 
Smart.  My  own  man  is  much  the  same  sort  of  a  chap. 
He  also  is  married."  Did  I  imagine  that  he  chuckled? 

Half  an  hour  later  when  I  rejoined  my  guests  after 
a  session  with  Conrad  Schmick,  I  was  somewhat  an 
noyed  by  the  dig  George  Hazzard  planted  in  my  de 
voted  ribs,  and  the  furtive  wink  he  gave  me.  The  two 
ladies  were  regarding  me  with  expressions  that  seemed 
pretty  well  divided  between  disapproval  and  mirth. 
The  baron,  whose  amicable  relations  with  Mr.  Pless 
evidently  had  been  restored,  was  grinning  broadly  at 
me. 

And  the  Countess  imperiously  had  directed  me  to 
supply  her  with  all  the  scandal  of  the  hour! 


CHAPTER    IX 

I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER 

I  SOMETIMES  wonder  what  would  happen  if  I  really  had 
a  mind  of  my  own.  Would  I  be  content  to  exercise  it 
capably?  Would  I  cease  to  be  putty  in  the  hands  of 
other  people?  I  doubt  it.  Even  a  strong,  obdurate 
mind  is  liable  to  connect  with  conditions  that  render 
it  weak  and  pliable  for  the  simple  reason  that  it  is 
sometimes  easier  to  put  up  with  a  thing  than  to  try  to 
put  it  down.  An  exacting,  arbitrary  mind  perhaps 
might  evolve  a  set  of  resolutions  that  even  the  most 
intolerant  would  hesitate  to  violate,  but  for  an  easy 
going,  trouble-dodging  brain  like  my  own  there  is  no 
such  thing  as  tenacity  of  purpose,  unless  it  be  in  the 
direction  of  an  obfuscated  tendency  to  maintain  its 
own  pitiful  equilibrium.  I  try  to  keep  an  even  ballast 
in  my  dome  of  thought  and  to  steer  straight  through 
the  sea  of  circumstance,  a  very  difficult  undertaking 
and  sometimes  hazardous. 

A  man  with  a  firm,  resolute  grip  on  himself  would 
have  checked  Mr.  Pless  and  Baron  Umovitch  at  the 
outset  of  their  campaign  to  acquire  undisputed  pos 
session  of  all  the  comforts  and  conveniences  that  the 
castle  afforded. 

He  would  have  said  no  to  their  demands  that  all 
work  about  the  place  should  be  regulated  according  to 
their  own  life-long  habits,  which,  among  other  things, 
included  lying  in  bed  till  noon,  going  back  to  bed  at 
three  for  a  quiet  nap,  and  staying  up  all  night  so  that 
they  might  be  adequately  worn  out  by  the  time  they 

went  to  bed  in  the  first  place. 

154 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        155 

I  mention  this  as  a  single  instance  of  their  power 
to  over-ride  me.  It  got  to  be  so  that  when  a  car 
penter  wanted  to  drive  a  nail  he  had  to  substitute  a 
screw  and  use  a  screw-driver,  a  noiseless  process  but 
an  insufferable  waste  of  time  and  money.  Lathers 
worked  four  days  on  a  job  that  should  have  been  ac 
complished  in  as  many  hours.  Can  you  imagine  these 
expert,  able-bodied  men  putting  laths  on  a  wall  with 
screw-drivers  ? 

When  Elsie  Hazzard,  painfully  aware  of  my  annoy 
ance,  asked  the  two  noblemen  why  on  earth  they 
couldn't  get  up  for  breakfast,  they  coldly  informed 
her  that  they  were  civilised  human  beings  and  not 
larks. 

They  used  my  study  for  purposes  of  their  own,  and 
glared  at  me  when  I  presumed  to  intrude  upon  their 
privacy.  Mr.  Pless  took  possession  of  this  room,  and 
here  received  all  sorts  of  secret  operatives  engaged  in 
the  task  of  unearthing  the  former  Mrs.  Pless.  Here 
he  had  as  many  as  fifteen  reports  a  day  by  messenger 
from  all  parts  of  the  land  and  here  he  discussed  every 
new  feature  of  the  chase  as  it  presented  itself,  coolly 
barring  me  out  of  my  sanctum  sanctorum  with  the  im 
passive  command  to  knock  before  attempting  to  enter. 

In  spite  of  their  acrimonious  tilts  over  the  card 
table,  he  and  the  baron  were  as  thick  as  could  be  when 
it  came  to  the  question  of  the  derelict  countess.  They 
maintained  the  strictest  privacy  and  resented  even  the 
polite  interest  of  their  four  American  friends. 

Finding  Mr.  Poopendyke  at  work  over  some  typing 
one  day,  Mr.  Pless  peremptorily  ordered  him  out  of 
the  study  and  subsequently  complained  to  me  about 
the  infernal  racket  the  fellow  made  with  his  typewriter. 
Just  as  I  was  on  the  point  of  telling  him  to  go  to  the 


156  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

devil,  he  smilingly  called  my  attention  to  a  complete 
plan  for  the  restoration  of  the  two  great  halls  as  he 
had  worked  it  out  on  paper.  He  had  also  written  a 
personal  letter,  commanding  the  Munich  firm  to  send 
their  most  competent  expert  to  Schloss  Rothhoefen 
without  delay,  to  go  over  the  plans  with  him.  As  I 
recall  it,  he  merely  referred  to  me  as  a  rich  American 
who  needed  advice. 

They  cursed  my  servants,  drank  my  wines,  com 
plained  of  the  food,  and  had  everybody  about  the 
place  doing  errands  for  them.  My  butler  and  foot 
man  threatened  to  leave  if  they  were  compelled  to  con 
tinue  to  serve  drinks  until  four  in  the  morning;  but 
were  somewhat  appeased  when  I  raised  their  wages. 
Britton  surreptitiously  thrashed  the  French  valet,  and 
then  had  to  serve  Mr.  Pless  (to  my  despair)  for  two 
days  while  Fra^ois  took  his  time  recovering. 

The  motor  boat  was  operated  as  a  ferry  after  the 
third  day,  hustling  detectives,  lawyers,  messengers  and 
newspaper  correspondents  back  and  forth  across  the 
much  be-sung  Danube.  Time  and  again  I  shivered  in 
my  boots  when  these  sly-faced  detectives  appeared  and 
made  their  reports  behind  closed  doors.  When  would 
they  strike  the  trail? 

To  my  surprise  the  Hazzards  and  the  Smiths  were 
as  much  in  the  dark  as  I  concerning  development  in  the 
great  kidnapping  case.  The  wily  Mr.  Pless  suddenly 
ceased  delivering  his  confidences  to  outsiders.  Evi 
dently  he  had  been  cautioned  by  those  in  charge  of 
his  affairs.  He  became  as  uncommunicative  as  the 
Sphinx. 

I  had  the  somewhat  valueless  satisfaction  of  know 
ing  a  blessed  sight  more  about  the  matter  than  he  and 
all  of  his  bloodhounds  put  together.  I  could  well  af- 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        157 

ford  to  laugh,  but  under  the  extremely  harassing  con 
ditions  it  was  far  from  possible  for  me  to  get  fat.  As 
a  matter  of  fact,  it  seemed  to  me  that  I  was  growing 
thinner.  Mrs.  Betty  Billy  Smith,  toward  the  end  of 
her  visit,  dolefully  —  almost  tearfully  —  remarked 
upon  my  haggard  appearance.  She  was  very  nice 
about  it,  too.  I  liked  her  immensely. 

It  did  not  require  half  an  eye  to  see  that  she  was 
thoroughly  sick  of  the  baron  and  Mr.  Pless.  She  was 
really  quite  uncivil  to  them  toward  the  end. 

At  last  there  came  a  day  of  deliverance.  The  guests 
were  departing  and  I  can  truthfully  say  that  I  was 
speeding  them. 

Elsie  Hazzard  took  me  off  to  a  remote  corner,  where 
a  little  later  on  Betty  Billy  and  the  two  husbands 
found  us. 

"John,  will  you  ever  forgive  me?"  she  said  very 
soberly.  "  I  swear  to  you  I  hadn't  the  faintest  idea 
what  it—" 

"  Please,  please,  Elsie,"  I  broke  in  warmly ;  "  don't 
abuse  yourself  in  my  presence.  I  fully  understand 
everything.  At  least,  nearly  everything.  What  I 
can't  understand,  for  the  life  of  me,  is  this :  how  did  you 
happen  to  pick  up  two  such  consummate  bounders  as 
these  fellows  are  ?  " 

"  Alas,  John,"  said  she,  shaking  her  head,  "  a  woman 
never  knows  much  about  a  man  until  she  has  lived  a 
week  in  the  same  house  with  him.  Now  you  are  a  per 
fect  angel." 

"  You've  always  said  that,"  said  I.  "  You  did  not 
have  to  live  in  the  same  house  with  me  to  find  it  out, 
did  you?  " 

She  ignored  the  question.  "  I  shall  never,  never 
forgive  myself  for  this  awful  week,  John.  We've 


158  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

talked  it  all  over  among  ourselves.  We  are  ashamed 
—  oh,  so  terribly  ashamed.  If  you  can  ever  like  us 
again  after — " 

"  Like  you ! "  I  cried,  taking  her  by  the  shoulders. 
"  Why,  Elsie  Hazzard,  I  have  never  liked  you  and 
George  half  so  much  as  I  like  you  now.  You  two  and 
the  Smiths  stand  out  like  Gibraltars  in  my  esteem. 
I  adore  all  of  you.  I  sha'n't  be  happy  again  until  I 
know  that  you  four  —  and  no  more  —  are  coming  back 
to  Schloss  Rothhoefen  for  an  indefinite  stay.  Good 
Lord,  how  happy  we  shall  be ! " 

I  said  it  with  a  great  deal  of  feeling.  The  tears 
rushed  into  her  eyes. 

"  You  are  a  dear,  John,"  she  sighed. 

"You'll  come?" 

"  In  a  minute,"  said  she  with  vehemence,  a  genuine 
American  girl  once  more. 

"  Just  as  soon  as  these  pesky  workmen  are  out  of 
the  place,  I'll  drop  you  a  line,"  said  I,  immeasurably 
exalted.  "  But  I  draw  the  line  at  noblemen." 

"  Don't  worry,"  she  said,  setting  her  nice  little 
white  teeth.  "  I  draw  it  too.  Never  again !  Never!  " 

It  occurred  to  me  that  here  was  an  excellent  opening 
for  a  bit  of  missionary  work.  Very  pointedly  I  said 
to  her :  "  I  fancy  you  are  willing  to  admit  now  that 
she  wasn't  such  a  simpleton  for  leaving  him." 

She  went  so  far  as  to  shudder,  all  the  time  regarding 
me  with  dilated  eyes.  "  I  can't  imagine  anything  more 
dreadful  than  being  that  man's  wife,  John." 

"  Then  why  won't  you  admit  that  you  are  sorry  for 
her?  Why  won't  you  be  a  little  just  to  her?  " 

She  looked  at  me  sharply.     "  Do  you  know  her  ?  " 

"  Not  by  a  long  shot,"  I  replied  hastily,  and  with 
considerable  truthfulness. 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        159 

"  Why  are  you  so  keen  to  have  me  take  sides  with 
her?" 

"  Because  I  did,  the  instant  I  saw  that  infernal 
cad." 

She  pursed  her  lips.  It  was  hard  for  her  to  sur 
render. 

"  Out  with  it,  Elsie,"  I  commanded.  "  You  know 
you've  been  wrong  about  that  poor  little  girl.  I  can 
tell  by  the  look  in  your  eyes  that  you  have  switched 
over  completely  in  the  last  four  days,  and  so  has  Betty 
Billy." 

"  I  can't  forgive  her  for  marrying  him  in  the  first 
place,"  she  said  stubbornly.  "  But  I  think  she  was 
justified  in  leaving  him.  As  I  know  him  now,  I  don't 
see  how  she  endured  it  as  long  as  she  did.  Yes,  I  am 
sorry  for  her.  She  is  a  dear  girl  and  she  has  had 
a  —  a  — " 

"  I'll  say  it,  my  dear :  a  hell  of  a  time." 

"Thank  you." 

"  And  I  daresay  you  now  think  she  did  right  in 
taking  the  child,  too,"  I  persisted. 

"  I  —  I  hope  she  gets  safely  away  with  little  Rose 
mary,  back  to  God's  country  as  we  are  prone  to  call 
it.  Oh,  by  the  way,  John,  I  don't  see  why  I  should 
feel  bound  to  keep  that  wretch's  secret  any  longer. 
He  has  treated  us  like  dogs.  He  doesn't  deserve — " 

"  Hold  on !  You're  not  thinking  of  telling  me  his 
name,  are  you  ?  " 

"  Don't  you  want  to  know  it  ?  Don't  you  care  to 
hear  that  you've  been  entertaining  the  most  talked  of, 
the  most  interesting — " 

"No,  I  don't!" 

"  Don't  you  care  to  hear  who  it  was  that  he  married 
and  how  many  millions  he  got  from  — " 


160  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 


"No,  I  don't." 
"And  why  not?" 


"Well,"  said  I,  judicially,  "in  the  first  place  I  like 
the  mystery  of  it  alL  In  the  second  place,  I  don't 
want  to  know  anything  more  about  tins  feOow  than  I 
already  know.  He  is  enough  of  a  horror  to  me,  as  it 

is,  God  knows,  without  giving  a  name  to  him.  I  pre 
fer  to  think  of  him  as  Mr.  Pleas.  If  you  don't  mind, 
Elsie,  111  try  to  eradicate  him  thoroughly  from  my 
system  as  Fleas  before  I  take  him  on  in  any  other  form 
of  erfl.  No,  I  don't  want  to  know  his  name  at  present, 
nor  do  I  care  a  hang  who  it  was  he  married.  Sffly 
notion,  I  suppose,  hat  I  mean  what  I  say." 

She  looked  at  me  in  wonder  for  a  moment  and  then 
shook  her  head  as  if  considering  me  quite  hopeless. 
"You  are  an  odd  thing,  John.  God  left  something 
out  when  He  fashioned  yon.  Fm  just  dying  to  tell 
you  all  about  them,  and  you  won't  let  me." 

"  Is  she  pretty?  "  I  asked,  yielding  a  little. 

"  She  is  lovely.  We've  been  really  quite  hateful 
about  her,  Betty  and  I.  Down  in  our  hearts  we  like 
her.  She  was  a  spoiled  child,  of  coarse,  and  afi  that 
sort  of  thing,  hot  heaven  knows  she's  been  pretty 
thoroughly  made  over  in  a  new  crucible.  We  used 
to  feel  terribly  sorry  for  her,  even  while  we  were  derid 
ing  her  for  the  fool  she  had  made  of  herself  in  marry 
ing  him.  I've  seen  her  hundreds  of  times  driving  about 
alone  in  Vienna,  where  they  spent  two  winters,  a  really 
pathetic  figure,  scorned  not  only  by  her  husband  but 
by  every  one  else.  He  never  was  to  be  seen  in  pdbfie 
with  her.  He  made  it  clear  to  his  world  that  she  was 
not  to  be  inflicted  upon  it  by  any  minm  •••ij  act  of 
his.  She  came  to  see  Betty  and  me  occasionally;  al 
ways  bright  and  proud  and  full  of  spirit,  but  we  could 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        161 

see  the  wounds  in  her  poor  little  heart  no  matter  how 
hard  she  tried  to  hide  them.  I  tell  you,  John,  they 
like  us  as  women  but  they  despise  us  as  wives.  It  will 
always  be  the  same  with  them.  They  won't  let  us 
into  their  charmed  circle.  Thank  God,  I  am  married 
to  an  American.  He  must  respect  me  whether  he 
wants  to  or  not." 

"  Poor  little  beggar,"  said  I,  without  thinking  of 
how  it  would  sound  to  her ;  "  she  has  had  her  fling, 
and  she  has  paid  well  for  it." 

"  If  her  stingy  old  father,  who  permitted  her  to 
get  into  the  scrape,  would  come  up  like  a  man  and  pay 
what  he  ought  to  pay,  there  would  be  no  more  pother 
about  this  business.  He  hasn't  lived  up  to  his  bargain. 
The  —  Mr.  Pless  has  squandered  the  first  million  and 
now  he  wants  the  balance  due  him.  A  trade's  a  trade, 
John.  The  old  man  ought  to  pay  up.  He  went  into 
it  with  his  eyes  open,  and  I  haven't  an  atom  of  sym 
pathy  for  him.  You  have  read  that  book  of  Mrs. 
Burnett's,  haven't  you?— 'The  Shuttle'?  Well, 
there  you  are.  This  is  but  another  example  of  what 
fools  American  parents  can  be  when  they  get  bees  in 
their  bonnets." 

She  seemed  to  be  accusing  me ! 

"  I  hope  she  gets  away  safely  with  the  kiddie,"  said 
I,  non-committally. 

"  Heaven  knows  where  she  is.  Maybe  she's  as  safe 
as  a  bug  in  a  rug." 

"  I  shouldn't  be  surprised,"  said  I. 

The  Billy  Smiths  and  George  Hazzard  came  up  at 
this  juncture.  Elsie  at  once  proceeded  to  go  into  a 
long  series  of  conjectures  as  to  the  probable  where 
abouts  of  Mr.  Pless's  former  wife  and  their  child.  I 
was  immensely  gratified  to  find  that  they  were  now 


162  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

undivided  in  their  estimate  of  Mr.  Pless  and  firmly 
allied  on  the  side  of  the  missing  countess. 

I  gathered  from  their  remarks  that  the  young 
woman's  mother  and  brothers  were  still  in  Paris,  where 
their  every  movement  was  being  watched  by  secret 
agents.  They  were  awaiting  the  arrival  from  New 
York  of  the  father  of  the  countess,  after  which  they 
were  to  come  to  Vienna  for  the  purpose  of  making  a 
determined  fight  for  the  daughter's  absolute  freedom 
and  the  custody  of  the  child. 

Somehow  this  news  gave  me  a  strange  feeling  of  ap 
prehension,  a  sensation  that  later  on  was  to  be  amply 
justified. 

I  daresay  an  historian  less  punctilious  about  the 
truth  than  I  propose  to  be,  would,  at  this  stage  of 
the  narrative,  insert  a  whopping  lie  for  the  sake  of 
effect,  or  "  action,"  or  "  heart  interest,"  as  such  things 
are  called  in  the  present  world  of  letters.  He  would 
enliven  his  tale  by  making  Mr.  Pless  do  something 
sensational  while  he  was  about  it,  such  as  yanking  his 
erstwhile  companion  out  of  her  place  of  hiding  by  the 
hair  of  her  head,  or  kicking  down  all  the  barricades 
about  the  place,  or  fighting  a  duel  with  me,  or  —  well, 
there  is  no  end  of  things  he  might  do  for  the  sake  of  a 
41  situation."  But  I  am  a  person  of  veracity  and  the 
truth  is  in  me.  Mr.  Pless  did  none  of  these  interesting 
things,  so  why  should  I  say  that  he  did? 

He  went  away  with  the  others  at  half-past  eleven, 
and  that  was  the  end  of  his  first  visit  to  my  domain. 
For  fear  that  you,  kind  reader,  may  be  disappointed, 
I  make  haste  to  assure  you  that  he  was  to  come  again. 

Of  course  there  was  more  or  less  turmoil  and  — 
I  might  say  disaffection  —  attending  his  departure. 
He  raised  Cain  with  my  servants  because  they  did  this 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        16S 

and  that  when  they  shouldn't  have  done  either;  he 
(and  the  amiable  baron)  took  me  to  task  for  having 
neglected  to  book  compartments  for  them  in  the  Orient 
Express ;  he  insisted  upon  having  a  luncheon  put  up  in 
a  tea  basket  and  taken  to  the  railway  station  by  Brit- 
ton,  and  he  saw  to  it  personally  that  three  or  four 
bottles  of  my  best  wine  were  neatly  packed  in  with  the 
rest.  He  said  three  or  four,  but  Britton  is  firm  in 
his  belief  that  there  was  nearer  a  dozen,  judging  by 
the  weight. 

He  also  contrived  to  have  Mr.  Poopendyke  purchase 
first-class  railway  tickets  for  him  and  the  baron,  and 
then  forgot  to  settle  for  them.  It  amounted  to  some 
thing  like  four  hundred  and  fifty  kronen,  if  I  remember 
correctly.  He  took  away  eleven  hundred  and  sixty- 
five  dollars  of  my  money,  besides,  genially  acquired  at 
roulette,  and  I  dread  to  think  of  what  he  and  the  baron 
took  out  of  my  four  friends  at  auction  bridge. 

I  will  say  this  for  him:  he  was  the  smartest  aristo 
crat  I've  ever  known. 

Need  I  add  that  the  Hazzards  and  the  Smiths  trav 
elled  second-class? 

"  Well,  thank  the  Lord ! "  said  I,  as  the  ferry 
put  off  with  the  party,  leaving  me  alone  on  the  little 
landing.  The  rotten  timbers  seemed  to  echo  the  sen 
timent.  At  the  top  of  the  steep  all  the  Schmicks  were 
saying  it,  too;  in  the  butler's  pantry  it  was  also  being 
said;  a  score  of  workmen  were  grunting  it;  and  the 
windlass  that  drew  me  up  the  hill  was  screaming  it  in 
wild,  discordant  glee.  I  repeated  it  once  more  when 
Britton  returned  from  town  and  assured  me  that  they 
had  not  missed  the  train. 

"  That's  what  I'd  like  to  say,  sir,"  said  he. 

"  Well,  say  it,"  said  I.     And  he  said  it  so  vocif- 


164  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

erously  that  I  know  it  must  have  been  heard  in  tfie 
remotest  corners  of  heaven. 

The  merry  song  of  the  hammer  and  the  sweet  rasp 
of  the  saw  greeted  my  delighted  ear  as  I  entered  the 
castle.  Men  were  singing  and  whistling  for  all  they 
were  worth ;  the  air  was  full  of  music.  It  was  not  un 
like  the  grand  transformation  scene  in  the  pantomime 
when  all  that  has  been  gloom  and  despondency  gives 
way  in  the  flash  of  an  eye  to  elysian  splendour  and 
dazzling  gaiety.  'Pon  my  soul,  I  never  felt  so  ex 
uberant  in  all  my  life.  The  once  nerve-racking 
clangour  was  like  the  soothing  strains  of  an  invisible 
orchestra  to  my  delighted  senses.  Ha!  Ha!  What 
a  merry  old  world  it  is,  after  all ! 

Nearing  my  study,  I  heard  an  almost  forgotten 
noise:  the  blithe,  incessant  crackle  of  a  typewriting 
machine.  Never  have  I  heard  one  rattle  so  rapidly  or 
with  such  utter  garrulousness. 

I  looked  in  at  the  door.  Over  in  his  corner  by  the 
window  Poopendyke  was  at  work,  his  lanky  figure 
hunched  over  the  key-board,  his  head  enveloped  in 
clouds  from  a  busy  pipe,  for  all  the  world  like  a  tug 
boat  smothering  in  its  own  low-lying  smoke.  Sheets 
of  paper  were  strewn  about  the  floor.  Even  as  I  stood 
there  hesitating,  he  came  to  the  end  of  a  sheet  and 
jerked  it  out  of  the  machine  with  such  a  resounding 
snap  that  the  noise  startled  me.  He  was  having  the 
time  of  his  life! 

I  stole  away,  unwilling  to  break  in  upon  this  joyful 
orgy. 

Conrad,  grinning  from  ear  to  ear,  was  waiting  for 
me  outside  my  bedroom  door  late  in  the  day.  He  sa 
luted  me  with  unusual  cordiality. 

"  A  note,  mein  herr,"   said  He,   and   handed   me   a 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        165 

dainty  little  pearl-grey  envelope.  He  waited  while  I 
read  the  missive. 

"  I  sha'n't  be  home  for  dinner,  Conrad,"  said  I,  my 
eyes  aglow.  "  Tell  Hawkes,  will  you  ?  " 

He  bowed  and  scraped  himself  away ;  somehow  he 
seemed  to  have  grown  younger  by  decades.  It  was  in 
the  air  to  be  young  and  care-free.  I  read  the  note 
again  and  felt  almost  boyish.  Then  I  went  up  to  my 
room,  got  out  my  gayest  raiment  without  shame  or 
compunction,  dressed  with  especial  regard  for  lively 
effects,  and  hied  me  forth  to  carry  sunshine  into  the 
uttermost  recesses  of  my  castle. 

The  Countess  welcomed  me  with  a  radiant  smile. 
We  shook  hands. 

"  Well,  he  has  gone,"  said  I,  drawing  a  deep  breath. 

"  Thank  the  Lord,"  said  she,  and  then  I  knew  that 
the  symphony  was  complete.  We  all  had  sung  it. 

It  must  not  be  supposed  for  an  instant  that  I  had 
been  guilty  of  neglecting  my  lovely  charge  during  that 
season  of  travail  and  despair.  No,  indeed!  I  had 
visited  her  every  day  as  a  matter  of  precaution.  She 
required  a  certain  amount  of  watching. 

I  do  not  hesitate  to  say  at  this  time  that  she  seemed 
to  be  growing  lovelier  every  day.  In  a  hundred  little 
ways  she  was  changing,  not  only  in  appearance  but  in 
manner. 

Now,  to  be  perfectly  frank  about  it,  I  can't  explain 
just  what  these  little  changes  were  —  that  is,  not  in 
so  many  words  —  but  they  were  quite  as  pronounced 
as  they  were  subtle.  I  may  risk  mentioning  an  im 
provement  in  her  method  of  handling  me.  She  was  not 
taking  quite  so  much  for  granted  as  she  did  at  first. 
She  was  much  more  humble  and  considerate,  I  remarked ; 
instead  of  bullying  me  into  things  she  now  cajoled 


166  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

me ;  instead  of  making  demands  upon  my  patience  and 
generosity,  she  rather  hesitated  about  putting  me  to 
the  least  trouble.  She  wasn't  so  arrogant,  nor  so  hard 
to  manage.  In  a  nutshell,  I  may  say  with  some  satis 
faction,  she  was  beginning  to  show  a  surprising  amount 
of  respect  for  me  and  my  opinions.  Where  once  she 
had  done  as  she  pleased,  she  now  did  so  only  after 
asking  my  advice  and  permission,  both  of  which  I  gave 
freely  as  a  gentleman  should.  Fundamentally  she  was 
all  right.  It  was  only  in  a  superficial  sort  of  way  that 
she  fell  short  of  being  ideal.  She  really  possessed  a 
very  sweet,  lovely  nature.  I  thought  I  could  see  the 
making  of  a  very  fine  woman  in  her. 

I  do  not  say  that  she  was  perfect  or  ever  could  be, 
but  she  might  come  very  close  to  it  if  she  went  on  im 
proving  as  she  did  every  day.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I 
found  an  immense  amount  of  analytical  pleasure  in 
studying  the  changes  that  attended  the  metamorphosis. 
It  seemed  to  my  eager  imagination  that  she  was  being 
translated  before  my  eyes;  developing  into  a  serious, 
sensible,  unselfish  person  with  a  soul  preparing  to 
mount  higher  than  self.  Her  voice  seemed  to  be  softer, 
sweeter;  the  satirical  note  had  disappeared  almost  en 
tirely,  and  with  it  went  the  forced  raillery  that  had  been 
so  pronounced  at  the  beginning  of  our  acquaint 
ance. 

Her  devotion  to  Rosemary  was  wonderful  to  see. 
By  the  way,  while  I  think  of  it,  the  child  was  quite 
adorable.  She  was  learning  to  pronounce  my  name, 
and  getting  nearer  and  nearer  to  it  every  day.  At 
the  time  of  which  I  now  write  she  was  calling  me  (with 
great  enthusiasm),  by  the  name  of  "Go-go,"  which, 
reduced  to  aboriginal  American,  means  "  Man-with-the- 
Strong-Arm-Who-Carries-Baby." 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        167 

"  It  is  very  nice  of  you  to  ask  me  up  to  dine  with 
you,"  said  I. 

"  Isn't  it  about  time  I  was  doing  something  for  you 
in  return  for  all  that  you  have  done  for  me  ?  "  she 
inquired  gaily.  "  We  are  having  a  particularly  nice 
dinner  this  evening,  and  I  thought  you'd  enjoy  a 
change." 

"A  change?"  said  I,  with  a  laugh.  "As  if  we 
haven't  been  eating  out  of  the  same  kettle  for  days ! " 

"  I  was  not  referring  to  the  food,"  she  said,  and  I 
was  very  properly  squelched. 

"  Nevertheless,  speaking  of  food,"  said  I,  "  it  may 
interest  you  to  know  that  I  expected  to  have  rather 
a  sumptuous  repast  of  my  own  to  celebrate  the  deliv 
erance.  A  fine  plump  pheasant,  prepared  a  la  Oscar, 
corn  fritters  like  mother  used  to  make,  potatoes 
picard, — " 

"  And  wonderful  alligator  pear  salad,"  she  in 
terrupted,  her  eyes  dancing. 

I  stared.     "  How  in  the  world  did  you  guess?  " 

She  laughed  in  pure  delight,  and  I  began  to  under 
stand.  By  the  Lord  Harry,  the  amazing  creature  was 
inviting  me  to  eat  my  own  dinner  in  her  salle  manger! 
"  Well,  may  I  be  hanged !  You  do  beat  the  Dutch !  " 

She  was  wearing  a  wonderful  dinner  gown  of  Irish 
lace,  and  she  fairly  sparkled  with  diamonds.  There  was 
no  ornament  in  her  brown  hair,  however,  nor  were  her 
little  pink  ears  made  hideous  by  ear-rings.  Her  face 
was  a  jewel  sufficient  unto  itself.  I  had  never  seen 
her  in  an  evening  gown  before.  The  effect  was  really 
quite  ravishing.  As  I  looked  at  her  standing  there 
by  the  big  oak  table,  I  couldn't  help  thinking  that 
the  Count  was  not  only  a  scoundrel  but  all  kinds 
of  a  fool. 


168  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  It  was  necessary  for  me  to  bribe  all  of  your  serv 
ants,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said. 

"  You  did  not  offer  the  rascals  money,  I  hope,"  I 
said  in  a  horrified  tone. 

"  No,  indeed ! "  She  did  not  explain  any  farther 
than  that,  but  somehow  I  knew  that  money  isn't  every 
thing  to  a  servant  after  all.  "  I  hope  you  don't  mind 
my  borrowing  your  butler  and  footman  for  the  even 
ing,"  she  went  on.  "  Not  that  we  really  need  two  to 
serve  two,  but  it  seems  so  much  more  like  a  function, 
as  the  newspapers  would  call  it." 

It  was  my  turn  to  say  "  No,  indeed." 

"  And  now  you  must  come  in  and  kiss  Rosemary 
good  night,"  she  said,  glancing  at  my  great  Amster 
dam  clock  in  the  corner. 

We  went  into  the  nursery.  It  was  past  Rosemary's 
bedtime  by  nearly  an  hour  and  the  youngster  was  hav 
ing  great  difficulty  in  keeping  awake.  She  managed 
to  put  her  arms  around  my  neck  when  I  took  her  up 
from  the  bed,  all  tucked  away  in  her  warm  little  nightie, 
and  sleepily  presented  her  own  little  throat  for  me  to 
kiss,  that  particular  spot  being  where  the  honey  came 
from  in  her  dispensation  of  sweets. 

I  was  full  of  exuberance.  An  irresistible  impulse 
to  do  a  jig  seized  upon  me.  To  my  own  intense  amaze 
ment,  and  to  Blake's  horror,  I  began  to  dance  about 
the  room  like  a  clumsy  kangaroo.  Rosemary  shrieked 
delightedly  into  my  ear  and  I  danced  the  harder  for 
that.  The  Countess,  recovering  from  her  surprise, 
cried  out  in  laughter  and  began  to  clap  time  with  her 
hands.  Blake  forgot  herself  and  sat  down  rather 
heavily  on  the  edge  of  the  bed.  I  think  the  poor 
woman's  knees  gave  way  under  her. 

"  Hurrah ! "   I    shouted   to    Rosemary,   but   looking 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER       169 

directly     at     the     Countess.     "  We're     celebrating ! " 

Whereupon  the  girl  that  was  left  in  the  Countess 
rose  to  the  occasion  and  she  pirouetted  with  graceful 
abandon  before  me,  in  amazing  contrast  to  my  jump- 
ing-jack  efforts.  Only  Blake's  reserved  and  somewhat 
dampening  admonition  brought  me  to  my  senses. 

"  Please  don't  drop  the  child,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said. 
I  had  the  great  satisfaction  of  hearing  Rosemary  cry 
when  I  delivered  her  up  to  Blake  and  started  to  slink 
out  of  the  room  in  the  wake  of  my  warm-cheeked  host 
ess. 

"  You  would  be  a  wonderful  father,  sir,"  said  Blake, 
relenting  a  little. 

I  had  the  grace  to  say,  "  Oh,  pshaw ! "  and  then  got 
out  while  the  illusion  was  still  alive.  (As  I've  said 
before,  I  do  not  like  a  crying  baby.) 

It  was  the  most  wonderful  dinner  in  the  world,  not 
withstanding  it  was  served  on  a  kitchen  table  moved 
into  the  living  room  for  the  occasion.  Imposing 
candelabra  adorned  the  four  corners  of  the  table  and 
the  very  best  plate  in  the  castle  was  put  to  use.  There 
were  roses  in  the  centre  of  the  board,  a  huge  bowl  of 
short-stemmed  Marechal  Niel  beauties.  The  Count 
ess's  chair  was  pulled  out  by  my  stately  butler,  Hawkes  ; 
mine  by  the  almost  equally  imposing  footman,  and  we 
faced  each  other  across  the  bowl  of  roses  and  lifted  an 
American  cocktail  to  the  health  of  those  who  were 
about  to  sit  down  to  the  feast.  I  think  it  was  one 
of  the  best  cocktails  I've  ever  tasted.  The  Countess 
admitted  having  made  it  herself,  but  wasn't  quite  sure 
whether  she  used  the  right  ingredients  or  the  correct 
proportions.  She  asked  me  what  I  thought  of  it. 

"  It  is  the  best  Manhattan  I've  ever  tasted,"  said  I, 
warmly. 


170  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Her  eyes  wavered.  Also,  I  think,  her  faith  in  me. 
"  It  was  meant  to  be  a  Martini,"  she  said  sorrowfully. 

Then  we  both  sat  down.  Was  it  possible  that  the 
corners  of  Hawkes'  mouth  twitched?  I  don't  suppose 
I  shall  ever  know. 

My  sherry  was  much  better  than  I  thought,  too. 
It  was  deliciously  oily.  The  champagne?  But  that 
came  later,  so  why  anticipate  a  joy  with  realisation 
staring  one  in  the  face? 

We  began  with  a  marvellous  hors-d'oeuvres.  Then 
a  clear  soup,  a  fish  aspec,  a —  Why  rhapsodise? 
Let  it  be  sufficient  if  I  say  that  in  discussing  the  Alad 
din-like  feast  I  secretly  and  faithfully  promised  my  chef 
a  material  increase  in  wages.  I  had  never  suspected 
him  of  being  such  a  genius,  nor  myself  of  being  such 
a  Pantegruelian  disciple.  I  must  mention  the  alli 
gator  pear  salad.  For  three  weeks  I  had  been  trying 
to  buy  alligator  pears  in  the  town  hard  by.  These 
came  from  Paris.  The  chef  had  spoken  to  me  about 
them  that  morning,  asking  me  when  I  had  ordered  them. 
Inasmuch  as  I  had  not  ordered  them  at  all,  I  couldn't 
satisfy  his  curiosity.  My  first  thought  was  that  Elsie 
Hazzard,  remembering  my  fondness  for  the  vegetable 
—  it  is  a  vegetable,  isn't  it  ?  —  had  sent  off  for  them  in 
order  to  surprise  me.  It  seems,  however,  that  Elsie 
had  nothing  whatever  to  do  with  it.  The  Countess 
had  ordered  them  for  me  through  her  mother,  who  was 
in  Paris  at  the  time.  Also  she  had  ordered  a  quantity 
of  Parisian  strawberries  of  the  hot-house,  one-franc- 
apiece  variety,  and  a  basket  of  peaches.  At  the  risk 
of  being  called  penurious,  I  confess  that  I  was  im 
mensely  relieved  when  I  learned  that  these  precious 
jewels  in  the  shape  of  fruit  had  been  paid  for  in  ad 
vance  by  the  opulent  mother  of  the  Countess. 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER       171 

"  Have  I  told  you,  Mr.  Smart,  that  I  am  expecting 
my  mother  here  to  visit  me  week  after  next?" 

She  tactfully  put  the  question  to  me  at  a  time  when 
I  was  so  full  of  contentment  that  nothing  could  have 
depressed  me.  I  must  confess,  however,  that  I  was 
guilty  of  gulping  my  champagne  a  little  noisily.  The 
question  came  with  the  salad  course. 

"  You  don't  say  so ! "  I  exclaimed,  quite  cheerfully. 

"  That  is  to  say,  she  is  coming  if  you  think  you 
can  manage  it  quite  safely." 

"  I  manage  it  ?  My  dear  Countess,  why  speak  of 
managing  a  thing  that  is  so  obviously  to  be  desired?  " 

"  You  don't  understand.  Can  you  smuggle  her 
into  the  castle  without  any  one  knowing  a  thing  about 
it?  You  see,  she  is  being  watched  every  minute  of  the 
time  by  detectives,  spies,  secret  agents,  lawyers,  and 
Heaven  knows  who  else.  The  instant  she  leaves  Paris, 
bang!  It  will  be  like  the  starter's  shot  in  a  race. 
They  will  be  after  her  like  a  streak.  And  if  you  are 
not  very,  very  clever  they  will  play  hob  with  every 
thing." 

"  Then  why  run  the  risk?  "  I  ventured. 

"  My  two  brothers  are  coming  with  her,"  she  said 
reassuringly.  "  They  are  such  big,  strong  fellows 
that  — " 

"  My  dear  Countess,  it  isn't  strength  we'll  need," 
I  deplored. 

"  No,  no,  I  quite  understand.  It  is  cunning, 
strategy,  caution,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  But  I 
.will  let  you  know  in  ample  time,  so  that  you  may  be 
prepared." 

*'  Do ! "  I  said  gallantly,  trying  to  be  enthusiastic. 

"  You  are  so  wonderfully  ingenious  at  working  out 
plots  and  conspiracies  in  your  books,  Mr.  Smart,  that 


172  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  am  confident  you  can  manage  everything  beautifully." 

Blatchford  was  removing  my  salad  plate.  A  spasm 
of  alarm  came  over  me.  I  had  quite  forgotten  the  two 
men.  The  look  of  warning  I  gave  her  brought  forth  a 
merry,  amused  smile. 

"  Don't  hesitate  to  speak  before  Blatchford  and 
Hawkes,"  she  said,  to  my  astonishment.  "  They  are  to 
be  trusted  implicitly.  Isn't  it  true,  Hawkes  ? " 

"  It  is,  Madam,"  said  he. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say,  Countess,  that  — " 

"  It  has  all  been  quite  satisfactorily  attended  to 
through  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  she  said.  "  He  consulted 
me  before  definitely  engaging  any  one,  Mr.  Smart,  and 
I  referred  him  to  my  lawyers  in  Vienna.  I  do  hope 
Hawkes  and  Blatchford  and  Henri,  the  chef,  are  quite 
satisfactory  to  you.  They  were  recently  employed  by 
some  one  in  the  British  embassy  at  — " 

"  Pray  rest  easy,  Countess,"  I  managed  to  say,  in 
terrupting  out  of  consideration  for  Hawkes  and 
Blatchford,  who,  I  thought,  might  feel  uncomfortable 
at  hearing  themselves  discussed  so  impersonally. 
"  Everything  is  most  satisfactory.  I  did  not  realise 
that  I  had  you  to  thank  for  my  present  mental  and 
gastronomical  comfort.  You  have  surrounded  me  with 
diadems." 

Hawkes  and  Blatchford  very  gravely  and  in  unison 
said :  "  Thank  you,  sir." 

"  And  now  let  us  talk  about  something  else,"  she 
said  complacently,  as  if  the  project  of  getting  the 
rest  of  her  family  into  the  castle  were  already  off  her 
mind.  "  I  can't  tell  you  how  much  I  enjoyed  your 
last  book,  Mr.  Smart.  It  is  so  exciting.  Why  do  you 
call  it  <  The  Fairest  of  the  Fair  '?  " 

"  Because  my  publisher  insisted  on  substituting  that 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        173 

title  for  the  one  I  had  chosen  myself.  I'll  admit  that 
it  doesn't  fit  the  story,  my  dear  Countess,  but  what 
is  an  author  to  do  when  his  publisher  announces  that  he 
has  a  beautiful  head  of  a  girl  he  wants  to  put  on  the 
cover  and  that  the  title  must  fit  the  cover,  so  to 
speak?  " 

"  But  I  don't  consider  it  a  beautiful  head,  Mr. 
Smart.  A  very  flashy  blonde  with  all  the  earmarks  of 
having  posed  in  the  chorus  between  the  days  when  she 
posed  for  your  artist.  And  your  heroine  has  very 
dark  hair  in  the  book.  Why  did  they  make  her  a 
blonde  on  the  cover?  "  , 

"  Because  they  didn't  happen  to  have  anything  but 
blonde  pictures  in  stock,"  said  I,  cheerfully.  "  A  lit 
tle  thing  like  that  doesn't  matter,  when  it  comes  to 
literature,  my  dear  Countess.  It  isn't  the  hair  that 
counts.  It's  the  hat." 

.  "  But  I  should  think  it  would  confuse  the  reader," 
she  insisted.  "  The  last  picture  in  the  book  has  her 
with  inky  black  hair,  while  in  all  the  others  she  is  quite 
blonde." 

"  A  really  intelligent  reader  doesn't  have  to  be  told 
that  the  artist  changed  his  model  before  he  got  to  the 
last  picture,"  said  I,  and  I  am  quite  confident  she 
didn't  hear  me  grate  my  teeth. 

"  But  the  critics  must  have  noticed  the  error  and 
commented  upon  it." 

"  My  dear  Countess,  the  critics  never  see  the  last 
picture  in  a  book.  They  are  much  too  clever  for 
that." 

She  pondered.  "  I  suppose  they  must  get  horribly 
sick  of  all  the  books  they  have  to  read." 

"  And  they  never  have  a  chance  to  experience  the 
delicious  period  of  convalescence  that  persons  with  less 


174  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

chronic  afflictions  have  to  look  forward  to,"  said  I, 
very  gently.  "  They  go  from  one  disease  to  another, 
poor  chaps." 

"  I  once  knew  an  author  at  Newport  who  said  he 
hated  every  critic  on  earth,"  she  said. 

"  I  should  think  he  might,"  said  I,  without  hesita 
tion.  It  was  not  until  the  next  afternoon  that  she  got 
the  full  significance  of  the  remark. 

As  I  never  encourage  any  one  who  seeks  to  discuss 
my  stories  with  me,  being  a  modest  chap  with  a  flaw 
in  my  vanity,  she  abandoned  the  subject  after  a  few 
ineffectual  attempts  to  find  out  how  I  get  my  plots,  how 
I  write  my  books,  and  how  I  keep  from  losing  my  mind. 

"  Would  you  be  entertained  by  a  real  mystery  ?  "  she 
asked,  leaning  toward  me  with  a  gleam  of  excitement  in 
her  eyes.  Very  promptly  I  said  I  should  be.  We  were 
having  our  coffee.  Hawkes  and  Blatchford  had  left 
the  room.  "  Well,  tradition  says  that  one  of  the  old 
barons  buried  a  vast  treasure  in  the  cellar  of  this  — " 

"  Stop !  "  I  commanded,  shaking  my  head.  "  Haven't 
I  just  said  that  I  don't  want  to  talk  about  literature? 
Buried  treasure  is  the  very  worst  form  of  literature." 

"  Very  well,"  she  said  indignantly.  "  You  will  be 
sorry  when  you  hear  I've  dug  it  up  and  made  off  with 
it." 

I  pricked  up  my  ears.  This  made  a  difference. 
"  Are  you  going  to  hunt  for  it  yourself?  " 

"  I  am,"  she  said  resolutely. 

"  In  those  dark,  dank,  grewsome  cellars?  " 

"  Certainly." 

"Alone?" 

"  If  necessary,"  she  said,  looking  at  me  over  the 
edge  of  the  coffee  cup. 

"  Tell  me  all  about  it,"  said  I. 


I  AM  INVITED  OUT  TO  DINNER        175 

"  Oh,  we  sha'n't  find  it,  of  course,"  said  she  calmly. 
I  made  note  of  the  pronoun.  "  They've  been  searching 
for  it  for  two  centuries  without  success.  My  —  that 
is,  Mr.  Pless  has  spent  days  down  there.  He  is  very 
hard-up,  you  know.  It  would  come  in  very  handy  for 
him." 

I  glowered.  "  I'm  glad  he's  gone.  I  don't  like  the 
idea  of  his  looking  for  treasures  in  my  castle." 

She  gave  me  a  smile  for  that. 


CHAPTER     X 

I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY 

THAT  night  I  dreamed  of  going  down,  down,  down  into 
the  bowels  of  the  earth  after  buried  treasure,  and 
finding  at  the  end  of  my  hours  of  travel  the  countess's 
mother  sitting  in  bleak  splendour  on  a  chest  of  gold  with 
her  feet  drawn  up  and  surrounded  by  an  audience  of 
spiders. 

For  an  hour  or  more  after  leaving  the  enchanted 
roo.ms  near  the  roof,  I  lounged  in  my  study,  persist 
ently  attentive  to  the  portrait  of  Ludwig  the  Red,  with 
my  ears  straining  for  sounds  from  the  other  side  of  the 
secret  panels.  Alas !  those  panels  were  many  cubits 
thick  and  as  staunch  as  the  sides  of  a  battleship. 
But  there  was  a  vast  satisfaction  in  knowing  that  she 
was  there,  asleep  perhaps,  with  her  brown  head  pillowed 
close  to  the  wall  but  little  more  than  an  arm's  length 
from  the  crimson  waistcoat  of  Ludwig  the  Red, —  for 
he  sat  rather  low  like  a  Chinese  god  and  supported  his 
waistcoat  with  his  knees.  A  gross,  forbidding  chap 
was  he !  The  story  was  told  of  him  that  he  could  quaff 
a  flagon  of  ale  at  a  single  gulp.  Looking  at  his  por 
trait,  one  could  not  help  thinking  what  a  pitifully  in 
finitesimal  thing  a  flagon  of  ale  is  after  all. 

Morning  came  and  with  it  a  sullen  determination  to 
get  down  to  work  on  my  long  neglected  novel.  I  went 
down  to  breakfast.  Everything  about  the  place  looked 
bleak  and  dreary  and  as  grey  as  a  granite  tombstone. 
Hawkes,  who  but  twelve  hours  before  had  seemed  the 
embodiment  of  life  in  its  most  resilient  form,  now  ap- 

176 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       177 

peared  as  a  drab  nemesis  with  wooden  legs  and  a  frozen 
leer.  My  coffee  was  bitter,  the  peaches  were  like 
sponges,  the  bacon  and  rolls  of  uniform  sogginess  and 
the  eggs  of  a  strange  liverish  hue.  I  sat  there  alone, 
gloomy  and  depressed,  contrasting  the  hateful  sunshine 
with  the  soft,  witching  refulgence  of  twenty-four 
candles  and  the  light  that  lies  in  a  woman's  eyes. 

"  A  fine  morning,  sir,"  said  Hawkes  in  a  voice 
that  seemed  to  come  from  the  grave.  It  was  the  first 
time  I  had  ever  heard  him  speak  so  dolorously  of 
the  morning.  Ordinarily  he  was  a  pleasant  voiced 
fellow. 

"  Is  it?  "  said  I,  and  my  voice  sounded  gloomier  than 
his.  I  was  not  sure  of  it,  but  it  seemed  to  me  that  he 
made  a  movement  with  his  hand  as  if  about  to  put  it  to 
his  lips.  Seeing  that  I  was  regarding  him  rather 
fixedly,  he  allowed  it  to  remain  suspended  a  little  above 
his  hip,  quite  on  a  line  with  the  other  one.  His  elbows 
were  crooked  at  the  proper  angle  I  noticed,  so  I  must 
have  been  doing  him  an  injustice.  He  couldn't  have 
had  anything  disrespectful  in  mind. 

"  Send  Mr.  Poopendyke  to  me,  Hawkes,  immediately 
after  I've  finished  my  breakfast." 

"  Very  good,  sir.  Oh,  I  beg  pardon,  sir.  I  am  for 
getting,  Mr.  Poopendyke  is  out.  He  asked  me  to  tell 
you  he  wouldn't  return  before  eleven." 

"  Out?      What  business  has  he  to  be  out?  " 

"  Well,  sir,  I  mean  to  say,  he's  not  precisely  out,  and 
he  isn't  just  what  one  would  call  in.  He  is  up  in  the 
—  ahem !  —  the  east  wing,  sir,  taking  down  some  cor- 
•  respondence  for  the  —  for  the  lady,  sir." 

I  arose  to  the  occasion.  "  Quite  so,  quite  so.  I  had 
forgotten  the  appointment." 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  thought  you  had." 


178  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Ahem !  I  daresay  Britton  will  do  quite  as  well. 
Tell  him  to  — " 

"  Britton,  sir,  has  gone  over  to  the  city  for  the  news 
papers.  You  forget  that  he  goes  every  morning  as 
soon  as  he  has  had  his  — " 

"Yes,  yes!  Certainly,"  I  said  hastily.  "The 
papers.  Ha,  ha!  Quite  right." 

It  was  news  to  me,  but  it  wouldn't  do  to  let  him  know 
it.  The  countess  read  the  papers,  I  did  not.  I  stead 
fastly  persisted  in  ignoring  the  Paris  edition  of  the  New 
York  Herald  for  fear  that  the  delightful  mystery  might 
disintegrate,  so  to  speak,  before  my  eyes,  or  become  the 
commonplace  scandal  that  all  the  world  was  enjoying. 
As  it  stood  now,  I  had  it  all  to  myself  —  that  is  to  say, 
the  mystery.  Mr.  Poopendyke  reads  aloud  the  base 
ball  scores  to  me,  and  nothing  else. 

It  was  nearly  twelve  when  my  secretary  reported  to 
me  on  this  particular  morning,  and  he  seemed  a  trifle 
hazy  as  to  the  results  of  the  games.  After  he  had 
mumbled  something  about  rain  or  wet  grounds,  I  coldly 
enquired : 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke,  are  you  employed  by  me  or  by 
that  woman  upstairs?  "  I  would  never  have  spoken  of 
her  as  "  that  woman,"  believe  me,  if  I  had  not  been  in  a 
state  of  irritation. 

He  looked  positively  stunned.     "  Sir  ?  "  he  gasped. 

I  did  not  repeat  the  question,  but  managed  to  demand 
rather  fiercely:  "  Are  you?  " 

"  The  countess  had  got  dreadfully  behind  with  her 
work,  sir,  and  I  thought  you  wouldn't  mind  if  I  helped 
her  out  a  bit,"  he  explained  nervously. 

"Work?     What  work?" 

"  Her  diary,  sir.     She  is  keeping  a  diary." 

"Indeed!" 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       179 

"  It  is  very  interesting,  Mr.  Smart.  Rather  beats 
any  novel  I've  read  lately.  We  —  we've  brought  it 
quite  up  to  date.  I  wrote  at  least  three  pages  about 
the  dinner  last  night.  If  I  am  to  believe  what  she  puts 
into  her  diary,  it  must  have  been  a  delightful  occasion, 
as  the  newspapers  would  say." 

I  was  somewhat  mollified.  "  What  did  she  have  to 
say  about  it,  Fred  ?  "  I  asked.  It  always  pleased  him 
to  be  called  Fred. 

"  That  would  be  betraying  a  confidence,"  said  he. 
"  I  will  say  this  much,  however :  I  think  I  wrote  your 
name  fifty  times  or  more  in  connection  with  it." 

"Rubbish!"  said  I. 

"  Not  at  all ! "  said  he,  with  agreeable  spirit. 

A  sudden  chill  came  over  me.  "  She  isn't  figuring 
on  having  it  published,  is  she?  " 

"  I  can't  say  as  to  that,"  was  his  disquieting  reply. 
"  It  wasn't  any  of  my  business,  so  I  didn't  ask." 

"  Oh,"  said  I,  "  I  see." 

"  I  think  it  is  safe  to  assume,  however,  that  it  is  not 
meant  for  publication,"  said  he.  "  It  strikes  me  as 
being  a  bi£  too  personal.  There  are  parts  of  it  that 
I  don't  believe  she'd  dare  to  put  into  print,  although 
she  reeled  them  off  to  me  without  so  much  as  a  blush. 
Ton  my  soul,  Mr.  Smart,  I  never  was  so  embarrassed 
in  my  life.  She  — " 

"  Never  mind,"  I  interrupted  hastily.  "  Don't  tell 
tales  out  of  school." 

He  was  silent  for  a  moment,  fingering  his  big  eye 
glasses  nervously.  "  It  may  please  you  to  know  that 
she  thinks  you  are  an  exceedingly  nice  man." 

"  No,  it  doesn't !  "  I  roared  irascibly.  "  I'm  damned 
if  I  like  being  called  an  exceedingly  nice  man." 

"  They  were  my  words,  sir,  not  hers,"  he  explained 


180  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

desperately.  "  I  was  merely  putting  two  and  two 
together  —  forming  an  opinion  from  her  manner  not 
from  her  words.  She  is  very  particular  to  mention 
everything  you  do  for  her,  and  thanks  me  if  I  call  her 
attention  to  anything  she  may  have  forgotten.  She 
certainly  appreciates  your  kindness  to  the  baby." 

"  That  is  extremely  gratifying,"  said  I  acidly. 

He  hesitated  once  more.  "  Of  course,  you  under 
stand  that  the  divorce  itself  is  absolute.  It's  only  the 
matter  of  the  child  that  remains  unsettled.  The  — " 

I  fairly  barked  at  him.  "  What  the  devil  do  you 
mean  by  that,  sir?  What  has  the  divorce  got  to  do 
with  it?" 

"  A  great  deal,  I  should  say,"  said  he,  with  the  rare, 
almost  superhuman  patience  that  has  made  him  so 
valuable  to  me. 

"  Upon  my  soul ! "  was  all  that  I  could  say. 

Hawkes  rapped  on  the  door  luckily  at  that  instant. 

"  The  men  from  the  telephone  company  are  here, 
sir,  and  the  electricians.  Where  are  they  to  begin, 
sir?" 

"  Tell  them  to  wait,"  said  I.  Then  I  hurried  to  the 
top  of  the  east  wing  to  ask  if  she  had  the  least  ob 
jection  to  an  extension  'phone  being  placed  in  my  study. 
She  thought  it  would  be  very  nice,  so  I  returned  with 
instructions  for  the  men  to  put  in  three  instruments : 
one  in  her  room,  one  in  mine,  and  one  in  the  butler's 
pantry.  It  seemed  a  very  jolly  arrangement  all 
'round.  As  for  the  electric  bell  system,  it  would  speak 
for  itself. 

Toward  the  middle  of  the  afternoon  when  Mr.  Poo- 
pendyke  and  I  were  hard  at  work  on  my  synopsis  we 
were  startled  by  a  dull,  mysterious  pounding  on  the 
wall  hard  by.  We  paused  to  listen.  It  was  quite 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       181 

impossible  to  locate  the  sound,  which  ceased  almost  im 
mediately.  Our  first  thought  was  that  the  telephone 
men  were  drilling  a  hole  through  the  wall  into  my  study. 
Then  came  the  sharp  rat-a-ta-tat  once  more.  Even  as 
we  looked  about  us  in  bewilderment,  the  portly  fa9ade 
of  Ludwig  the  Red  moved  out  of  alignment  with  a 
heart-rending  squeak  and  a  long  thin  streak  of  black 
appeared  at  the  inner  edge  of  the  frame,  growing  wider, 
—  and  blacker  if  anything, —  before  our  startled  eyes. 

"  Are  you  at  home  ?  "  inquired  a  voice  that  couldn't 
by  any  means  have  emanated  from  the  chest  of  Ludwig, 
even  in  his  mellowest  hours. 

I  leaped  to  my  feet  and  started  across  the  room  with 
great  strides.  My  secretary's  eyes  were  glued  to  the 
magic  portrait.  His  fingers,  looking  like  claws,  hung 
suspended  over  the  keyboard  of  the  typewriter. 

"  By  the  Lord  Harry !  "  I  cried.     "  Yes !  " 

The  secret  door  swung  quietly  open,  laying  Ludwig's 
face  to  the  wall,  and  in  the  aperture  stood  my  amazing 
neighbour,  as  lovely  a  portrait  as  you'd  see  in  a  year's 
trip  through  all  the  galleries  in  the  world.  She  was 
smiling  down  upon  us  from  the  slightly  elevated  posi 
tion,  a  charming  figure  in  the  very  latest  Parisian  hat 
and  gown.  Something  grey  and  black  and  exceedingly 
chic,  I  remember  saying  to  Poopendyke  afterwards  in 
response  to  a  question  of  his. 

"  I  am  out  making  afternoon  calls,"  said  she.  Her 
face  was  flushed  with  excitement  and  self-consciousness. 
"  Will  you  please  put  a  chair  here  so  that  I  may  hop 
down?" 

For  answer,  I  reached  up  a  pair  of  valiant  arms. 
She  laughed,  leaned  forward  and  placed  her  hands  on 
my  shoulders.  My  hands  found  her  waist  and  I  lifted 
her  gently,  gracefully  to  the  floor. 


182  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  How  strong  you  are !  "  she  said  admiringly.  "  How 
do  you  do,  Mr.  Poopendyke!  Dear  me!  I  am  not  a 
ghost,  sir ! " 

His  fingers  (dropped  to  the  keyboard.  "  How  do 
you  do,"  he  jerked  out.  Then  he  felt  of  his  heart. 
"  My  God !  I  don't  believe  it's  going." 

Together  we  inspected  the  secret  doors,  going  so  far 
as  to  enter  the  room  beyond,  the  Countess  peering 
through  after  us  from  my  study.  To  my  amazement 
the  room  was  absolutely  bare.  Bed,  trunks,  garments, 
chairs  —  everything  in  fact  had  vanished  as  if  whisked 
away  by  an  all-powerful  genie. 

"  What  does  this  mean?  "  I  cried,  turning  to  her. 

"  I  don't  mind  sleeping  upstairs,  now  that  I  have  a 
telephone,"  she  said  serenely.  "  Max  and  Rudolph 
moved  everything  up  this  afternoon." 

Poopendyke  and  I  returned  to  the  study.  I,  for 
one,  was  bitterly  disappointed. 

"  I'm  sorry  that  I  had  the  'phone  put  in,"  I  said. 

"Please  don't  call  it  a  'phone!"  she  objected.  "I 
hate  the  word  'phone." 

"  So  do  I,"  said  Poopendyke  recklessly. 

I  glared  at  him.  What  right  had  he  to  criticise  my 
manner  of  speech?  He  started  to  leave  the  room,  after 
a  perfunctory  scramble  to  put  his  papers  in  order,  but 
she  broke  off  in  the  middle  of  a  sentence  to  urge  him  to 
remain.  She  announced  that  she  was  calling  on  both 
of  us. 

"  Please  don't  stop  your  work  on  my  account,"  she 
said,  and  promptly  sat  down  at  his  typewriter  anb! 
began  pecking  at  the  keys.  "  You  must  teach  me  how 
to  run  a  typewriter,  Mr.  Poopendyke.  I  shall  Ke  as 
poor  as  a  church  mouse  before  long,  and  I  know  father 
won't  help  me.  I  may  have  to  become  a  stenographer." 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       183 

He  blushed  abominably.  I  don't  believe  I've  ever 
seen  a  more  unattractive  fellow  than  Poopendyke. 

"  Oh,  every  cloud  has  its  silver  lining,"  said  he  awk 
wardly. 

"  But  I  am  used  to  gold,"  said  she.  The  bell  on  the 
machine  tinkled.  "What  do  I  do  now?"  He  made 
the  shift  and  the  space  for  her. 

"  Go  right  ahead,"  said  he.  She  scrambled  the  whole 
alphabet  across  his  neat  sheet  but  he  didn't  seem  to 
mind. 

"Isn't  it  jolly,  Mr.  Smart?  If  Mr.  Poopendyke 
should  ever  leave  you,  I  may  be  able  to  take  his  place 
as  your  secretary." 

I  bowed  very  low.  "  You  may  be  quite  sure,  Count 
ess,  that  I  shall  dismiss  Mr.  Poopendyke  the  instant 
you  apply  for  his  job." 

"  And  I  shall  most  cheerfully  abdicate,"  said  he. 
Silly  ass ! 

I  couldn't  help  thinking  how  infinitely  more  attract 
ive  and  perilous  she  would  be  as  a  typist  than  the  ex 
cellent  young  woman  who  had  married  the  jeweller's 
clerk,  and  what  an  improvement  on  Poopendyke ! 

"  I  came  down  to  inquire  when  you  would  like  to  go 
exploring  for  buried  treasure,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said, 
after  the  cylinder  had  slipped  back  with  a  bang  that 
almost  startled  her  out  of  her  pretty  boots  and  caused 
her  to  give  up  typewriting  then  and  there,  forevermore. 

"  Never  put  off  till  to-morrow  what  you  can  do 
to-day,"  quoted  I  glibly. 

She  looked  herself  over.  "  If  you  knew  how  many 
times  this  gown  had  to  be  put  off  till  to-morrow,  you 
wouldn't  ask  me  to  ruin  it  the  second  time  I've  had  it 
on  my  back." 

"  It   is   an   uncommonly   attractive   gown,"   said   I. 


184  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"Shall   we   set   to-morrow   for  the  treasure   quest?" 

"  To-morrow  is  Sunday." 

"  Can  you  think  of  a  better  way  to  kill  it?  " 

"  Yes,  you  might  have  me  down  here  for  am  old-fash 
ioned  midday  dinner." 

"  Capital!     Why  not  stay  for  supper,  too?  " 

"  It  would  be  too  much  like  spending  a  day  with 
relatives,"  she  said.  "  We'll  go  treasure  hunting  on 
Monday.  I  haven't  the  faintest  notion  where  to  look, 
but  that  shouldn't  make  any  difference.  No  one  else 
ever  had.  By  the  way,  Mr.  Smart,  I  have  a  bone  to 
pick  with  you.  Have  you  seen  yesterday's  papers? 
Well,  in  one  of  them,  there  is  a  long  account  of  my  — 
of  Mr.  Pless's  visit  to  your  castle,  and  a  lengthy  inter 
view  in  which  you  are  quoted  as  saying  that  he  is  one  of 
your  dearest  friends  and  a  much  maligned  man  who 
deserves  the  sympathy  of  every  law-abiding  citizen  in 
the  land." 

"  An  abominable  lie !  "  I  cried  indignantly.  "  Con 
found  the  newspapers ! " 

"  Another  paper  says  that  your  fortune  has  been 
placed  at  his  disposal  in  the  fight  he  is  making  against 
the  criminally  rich  Americans.  In  this  particular 
article  you  are  quoted  as  saying  that  I  am  a  dreadful 
person  and  not  fit  to  have  the  custody  of  a  child." 

"  Good  Lord !  "  I  gasped  helplessly. 

"  You  also  expect  to  do  everything  in  your  power  to 
interest  the  administration  at  Washington  in  his 
behalf." 

"  Well,  of  all  the  —  Oh,  I  say,  Countess,  you  don't 
believe  a  word  of  all  this,  do  you?  " 

She  regarded  me  pensively.  "  You  have  said  some 
very  mean,  uncivil  things  to  me." 

"  If    I    thought    you    believed  — "     I    began    des- 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       185 

perately,  but  her  sudden  smile  relieved  me  of  the  neces 
sity  of  jumping  into  the  river.  "  By  Jove,  I  shall 
write  to  these  miserable  sheets,  denying  every  word 
they've  printed.  And  what's  more,  I'll  bring  an  action 
for  damages  against  all  of  'em.  Why,  it  is  positively 
atrocious !  The  whole  world  will  think  I  despise  you 
and  — "  I  stopped  very  abruptly  in  great  confusion. 

"And  —  you  don't?"  she  queried,  with  real  serious 
ness  in  her  voice.  "  You  don't  despise  me?  " 

"  Certainly  not!  "  I  cried  vehemently.  Turning  to 
Poopendyke,  I  said :  "  Mr.  Poopendyke,  will  you  at 
once  prepare  a  complete  and  emphatic  denial  of  every 
da  —  of  every  word  they  have  printed  about  me,  and 
I'll  send  it  to  all  the  American  correspondents  in 
Europe.  We'll  cable  it  ourselves  to  the  United  States. 
I  sha'n't  rest  until  I  am  set  straight  in  the  eyes  of  my 
fellow-countrymen.  The  whole  world  shall  know, 
Countess,  that  I  am  for  you  first,  last  and  all  the  time. 
It  shall  know  — " 

"  But  you  don't  know  who  I  am,  Mr.  Smart,"  she 
broke  in,  her  cheeks  very  warm  and  rosy.  "  How  can 
you  publicly  espouse  the  cause  of  one  whose  name  you 
refuse  to  have  mentioned  in  your  presence  ?  " 

I  dismissed  her  question  with  a  wave  of  the  hand: 
"  Poopendyke  can  supply  the  name  after  I  have  signed 
the  statement.  I  give  him  carte  blanche.  The  name 
has  nothing  to  do  with  the  case,  so  far  as  I  am  con 
cerned.  Write  it,  Fred,  and  make  it  strong." 

She  came  up  to  me  and  held  out  her  hand.  "  I  knew 
you  would  do  it,"  she  said  softly.  "  Thanks." 

I  bent  low  over  the  gloved  little  hand.  "  Don 
Quixote  was  a  happy  gentleman,  Countess,  with  all  his 
idiosyncrasies,  and  so  am  I." 

She  not  only  came  for  dinner  with  us  on  Sunday,  but 


186  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

made  the  dressing  for  my  alligator  pear  salad.  We 
were  besieged  by  the  usual  crowd  of  Sunday  sight-seers, 
who  came  clamouring  at  our  staunch,  reinforced  gates, 
and  anathematised  me  soundly  for  refusing  admission. 
One  bourgeoise  party  of  fifteen  refused  to  leave  the  plaza 
until  their  return  fares  on  the  ferry  barge  were  paid 
stoutly  maintaining  that  they  had  come  over  in  good 
faith  and  wouldn't  leave  until  I  had  reimbursed  them 
to  the  extent  of  fifty  hellers  apiece,  ferry  fare.  I  sent 
Britton  out  with  the  money.  He  returned  with  the 
rather  disquieting  news  that  he  had  recognised  two 
of  Mr.  Pless's  secret  agents  in  the  mob. 

"  I  wonder  if  he  suspects  that  I  am  here,"  said  the 
Countess  paling  perceptibly  when  I  mentioned  the 
presence  of  the  two  men. 

"  It  doesn't  matter,"  said  I.  "  He  can't  get  into 
the  castle  while  the  gates  are  locked,  and,  by  Jove,  I 
intend  to  keep  them  locked." 

"  What  a  delightful  ogre  you  are,  Mr.  Smart,"  said 
she. 

Nevertheless,  I  did  not  sleep  well  that  night.  The 
presence  of  the  two  detectives  outside  my  gates  was 
not  to  be  taken  too  lightly.  Unquestionably  they  had 
got  wind  of  something  that  aroused  suspicion  in  their 
minds.  I  confidently  expected  them  to  reappear  in 
the  morning,  perhaps  disguised  as  workmen.  Nor  were 
my  fears  wholly  unjustified. 

Shortly  after  nine  o'clock  a  sly-faced  man  in  overalls 
accosted  me  in  the  hall. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Smart,"  he  said  in  fairly 
good  English,  "  may  I  have  a  word  with  you?  I  have 
a  message  from  Mr.  Pless." 

I  don't  believe  he  observed  the  look  of  concern  that 
flitted  across  my  face. 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       187 

"  From  Mr.  Pless  ?  "  I  inquired,  simulating  surprise. 
Then  I  looked  him  over  so  curiously  that  he  laughed  in 
a  quiet,  simple  way. 

"  I  am  an  agent  of  the  secret  service,"  he  explained 
coolly.  "  Yesterday  I  failed  to  gain  admission  as  a 
visitor,  to-day  I  come  as  a  labourer.  We  work  in  a 
mysterious  way,  sir." 

"  Is  it  necessary  for  Mr.  Pless  to  resort  to  a  sub 
terfuge  of  this  character  in  order  to  get  a  message  to 
me?"  I  demanded  indignantly. 

He  shrugged  his  shoulders. 

"  It  was  not  necessary  yesterday,  but  it  is  to-day," 
said  he.  He  leaned  closer  and  lowered  his  voice. 
"  Our  every  movement  is  being  watched  by  the  Count 
ess's  detectives.  We  are  obliged  to  resort  to  trickery 
to  throw  them  off  the  scent.  Mr.  Pless  has  read  what 
you  had  to  say  in  the  newspapers  and  he  is  too  grateful, 
sir,  to  subject  you  to  unnecessary  annoyance  at  the 
hands  of  her  agents.  Your  friendship  is  sacred  to  him. 
He  realises  that  it  means  a  great  deal  to  have  the 
support  of  one  so  powerful  with  the  United  States 
government.  If  we  are  to  work  together,  Mr.  Smart, 
in  bringing  this  woman  to  justice,  it  must  be  managed 
with  extreme  skill  or  her  family  may  — " 

"  What  is  this  you  are  saying?  "  I  broke  in,  scarcely 
able  to  believe  my  ears. 

"  I  speak  English  so  badly,"  he  apologised.  "  Per 
haps  I  should  do  no  more  than  to  give  you  his  message. 
He  would  have  you  to  meet  him  secretly  to-night  at  the 
Rempf  Hotel  across  the  river.  It  is  most  important 
that  you  should  do  so,  and  that  you  should  exercise 
great  caution.  I  am  to  take  your  reply  back  to  him." 

For  an  instant  I  was  fairly  stupefied.  Then  I  ex 
perienced  a  feeling  of  relief  so  vast  that  he  must  have 


188  A  FOOL  'AND  HIS  MONEY 

seen  the  gleam  of  triumph  in  my  eyes.  The  trick  was 
mine,  after  all. 

"  Come  into  my  study,"  I  said.  He  followed  me 
upstairs  and  into  the  room.  Poopendyke  was  there. 
"  This  is  my  secretary,  you  may  speak  freely  before 
him."  Turning  to  Poopendyke,  I  said :  "  You  have  not 
sent  that  statement  to  the  newspapers,  have  you?  Well, 
let  it  rest  for  a  day  or  two.  Mr.  Pless  has  sent  a 
representative  to  see  me."  I  scowled  at  my  secretary, 
and  he  had  the  sense  to  hide  his  astonishment. 

The  fellow  repeated  what  he  had  said  before,  and 
added  a  few  instructions  which  I  was  to  follow  with 
care  if  I  would  do  Mr.  Pless  the  honour  to  wait  upon 
him  that  evening  at  the  Rempf  Hotel. 

"  You  may  tell  Mr.  Pless  that  I  shall  be  there  at 
nine,"  said  I.  The  agent  departed.  When  he  was 
safely  out  of  the  room,  I  explained  the  situation  to 
Poopendyke,  and  then  made  my  way  through  the  secret 
panels  to  the  Countess's  rooms. 

She  was  ready  for  the  subterranean  journey  in  quest 
of  treasure,  attired  in  a  neat  walking  skirt,  with  her 
bonny  hair  encased  in  a  swimming  cap  as  a  guard 
against  cobwebs. 

"  Then  you  don't  intend  to  send  out  the  statements  ?  " 
she  cried  in  disappointment.  "  You  are  going  to  let 
every  one  think  you  are  his  friend  and  not  mine?  " 

I  was  greatly  elated.  Her  very  unreasonableness 
was  a  prize  that  I  could  not  fail  to  cherish. 

"  Only  for  the  time  being,"  I  said  eagerly.  "  Donrt 
you  see  the  advantage  we  gain  by  fooling  him?  Why, 
it  is  splendid  —  positively  splendid !  " 

She  pouted.  "  I  don't  feel  at  all  sure  of  you  now, 
Mr.  Smart,"  she  said,  sitting  down  rather  dejectedly 
in  a  chair  near  the  fireplace.  "  I  believe  you  are  ready 


I  AGREE  TO  MEET  THE  ENEMY       189 

to  turn  against  me.  You  want  to  be  rid  of  me.  I  am 
a  nuisance,  a  source  of  trouble  to  you.  You  will  tell 
him  that  I  am  here  — " 

I  stood  over  her,  trying  my  best  to  scowl.  "  You 
know  better  than  that.  You  know  I  —  I  am  as  loyal 
as  —  as  can  be.  Hang  it  all,"  I  burst  out  impulsively, 
"  do  you  suppose  for  a  minute  that  I  want  to  hand  you 
over  to  that  infernal  rascal,  now  that  I've  come  to  — 
that  is  to  say,  now  that  we're  such  ripping  good 
friends?" 

She  looked  up  at  me  very  pathetically  at  first.  Then 
her  expression  changed  swiftly  to  one  of  wonder  and 
the  most  penetrating  inquiry.  Slowly  a  flush  crept 
into  her  cheeks  and  her  eyes  wavered. 

"  I  —  I  think  I  can  trust  you  to  —  to  do  the  right 
thing  by  me,"  she  said,  descending  to  a  banality  in  her 
confusion. 

I  held  out  my  hand.  She  laid  hers  in  it  rather 
timidly,  almost  as  if  she  was  afraid  of  me.  "  I  shall 
not  fail  you,"  said  I  without  the  faintest  intention  to 
be  heroic  but  immediately  conscious  of  having  used  an 
expression  so  trite  that  my  cheek  flamed  with  humilia 
tion. 

For  some  unaccountable  reason  she  arose  hastily 
from  the  chair  and  walked  to  the  window.  A  similar 
reason,  no  doubt,  held  me  rooted  rather  safely  to  the 
spot  on  which  I  stood.  I  have  a  vague  recollection  of 
feeling  dizzy  and  rather  short  of  breath.  My  heart 
was  acting  queerly. 

"  Why  do  you  suppose  he  wants  to  see  you  ?  "  she 
asked,  after  a  moment,  turning  toward  me  again.  She 
was  as  calm  as  a  summer  breeze.  All  trace  of  nervous 
ness  had  left  her. 

"  I  can't  even  supply  a  guess." 


190  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  You  must  be  very,  very  tactful,"  she  said  uneasily. 
"  I  know  him  so  well.  He  is  very  cunning." 

"  I  am  accustomed  to  dealing  with  villains,"  said  I. 
"  They  always  come  to  a  bad  end  in  my  books,  and 
virtue  triumphs." 

"  But  this  isn't  a  book,"  she  protested.  "  Besides 
virtue  never  triumphs  in  an  international  marriage. 
You  must  come  —  to  see  me  to-night  after  you  return 
from  town.  I  won't  sleep  until  I've  heard  everything." 

"  I  may  be  very  late,"  I  said,  contriving  to  hide  my 
eagerness  pretty  well,  I  thought. 

"  I  shall  wait  for  you,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said,  very 
distinctly.  I  took  it  as  a  command  and  bowed  in  sub 
mission.  "  There  is  no  one  here  to  gossip,  so  we  may 
be  as  careless  as  we  please  about  appearances.  You 
will  be  hungry,  too,  when  you  come  in.  I  shall  have  a 
nice  supper  ready  for  you."  She  frowned  faintly. 
"  You  must  not,  under  any  circumstance,  spoil  every 
thing  by  having  supper  with  him." 

"  Again  I  repeat,  you  may  trust  me  implicitly  to  do 
the  right  thing,"  said  I  beamingly.  "  And  now,  what 
do  you  say  to  our  trip  to  the  bottom  of  the  castle?  " 

She  shook  her  head.  "  Not  with  the  house  full  of 
spies,  my  dear  friend.  We'll  save  that  for  another 
day.  A  rainy  day  perhaps.  I  feel  like  having  all  the 
sunshine  I  can  get  to-day.  To-night  I  shall  be  gloomy 
and  very  lonely.  I  shall  take  Rosemary  and  Jinko  out 
upon  the  top  of  the  tower  and  play  all  day  in  the  sun." 

I  had  an  idea.  "I  am  sure  I  should  enjoy  a  little 
sunshine  myself.  May  I  come  too  ?  " 

She  looked  me  straight  in  the  eye.  There  was  a 
touch  of  dignity  in  her  voice  when  she  spoke. 

"  Not  to-day,  Mr.  Smart." 

A  most  unfathomable  person! 


CHAPTER     XI 

I    AM    INVITED    TO    SPEND    MONEY 

ANY  one  who  has  travelled  in  the  Valley  of  the  Donau 
knows  the  Rempf  Hotel.  It  is  an  ancient  hostelry, 
frequented  quite  as  much  in  these  days  as  it  was  in 
olden  times  by  people  who  are  by  way  of  knowing 
the  excellence  of  its  cuisine  and  the  character  of  its 
wines.  Unless  one  possesses  this  intelligence,  either 
through  hearsay  or  experience,  he  will  pass  by  the 
Rempf  without  so  much  as  a  glance  at  its  rather  for 
bidding  exterior  and  make  for  the  modern  hotel  on  the 
platz,  thereby  missing  one  of  the  most  interesting  spots 
in  this  grim  old  town.  Is  it  to  the  fashionable  Bellevue 
that  the  nobility  and  the  elect  wend  their  way  when  they 
come  to  town?  Not  by  any  means.  They  affect  the 
Rempf,  and  there  you  may  see  them  in  fat,  inglorious 
plenty  smugly  execrating  the  plebeian  rich  of  many 
lands  who  dismiss  Rempf 's  with  a  sniff,  and  enjoying  to 
their  heart's  content  a  privacy  which  the  aforesaid  rich 
would  not  consider  at  any  price. 

You  may  be  quite  sure  that  the  rates  are  low  at  the 
historic  Rempf,  and  that  they  would  be  much  lower  if 
the  nobility  had  anything  to  say  about  it.  One  can  get 
a  very  comfortable  room,  without  bath,  at  the  Rempf 
for  a  dollar  a  day,  provided  he  gets  in  ahead  of  the 
native  aristocracy.  If  he  insists  on  having  a  room  with 
bath  he  is  guilty  of  lese  majeste  and  is  sent  on  his  way. 

But,  bath  or  no  bath,  the  food  is  the  best  in  the 
entire  valley  and  the  cellar  without  a  rival. 

I  found  Mr.  Pless  at  the  Rempf  at  nine  o'clock.     He 

191 


192  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

was  in  his  room  when  I  entered  the  quaint  old  place  and 
approached  the  rotund  manager  with  considerable  un 
certainty  in  my  manner.  For  whom  was  I  to  inquire? 
Would  he  be  known  there  as  Pless? 

The  manager  gave  me  a  broad  (I  was  about  to  say 
serviceable)  smile  and  put  my  mind  at  rest  by  blandly 
inquiring  if  I  was  the  gentleman  who  wished  to  see  Mr. 
Pless.  He  directed  me  to  the  top  floor  of  the  hotel 
and  I  mounted  two  flights  of  stairs  at  the  heels  of  a 
porter  who  exercised  native  thrift  by  carrying  up  a 
large  trunk,  thus  saving  time  and  steps  after  a  fashion, 
although  it  may  be  hard  to  see  wherein  he  really  bene 
fited  when  I  say  that  after  escorting  me  to  a  room  on 
the  third  floor  and  knocking  at  the  door  while  balancing 
the  trunk  on  his  back,  he  descended  to  the  second  and 
delivered  his  burden  in  triumph  to  the  lady  who  had 
been  calling  for  it  since  six  o'clock  in  the  evening.  But 
even  at  that  he  displayed  considerable  cunning  in  not 
forgetting  what  room  the  luggage  belonged  in,  thereby 
saving  himself  a  trip  all  the  way  down  to  the  office  and 
back  with  the  trunk. 

Mr.  Pless  welcomed  me  with  a  great  deal  of  warmth. 
He  called  me  "  dear  old  fellow  "  and  shook  hands  with 
me  with  more  heartiness  than  I  had  thought  him  capable 
of  expressing.  His  dark,  handsome  face  was  aglow 
with  pleasure.  He  was  quite  boyish.  A  smallish  old 
gentleman  was  with  him.  My  introduction  to  the 
stranger  was  a  sort  of  afterthought,  it  seemed  to  me. 
I  was  informed  that  he  was  one  of  the  greatest  lawyers 
and  advocates  in  Vienna  and  Mr.  Pless's  personal  ad 
viser  in  the  "  unfortunate  controversy." 

I  accepted  a  cigar. 

"  So  you  knew  who  I  was  all  the  time  I  was  at  Schloss 
Rothhoefen,"  said  Mr.  Pless,  smiling  amiably.  "  I  was 


trying  to  maintain  my  incognito  so  that  you  might  not 
be  distressed,  Mr.  Smart,  by  having  in  your  home  such 
a  notorious  character  as  I  am  supposed  to  be.  I  con 
fess  it  was  rather  shabby  in  me,  but  I  hold  your  ex 
cellent  friends  responsible  for  the  trick." 

"  It  is  rather  difficult  to  keep  a  secret  with  women 
about,"  said  I  evasively. 

"  But  never  difficult  to  construct  one,"  said  Mr. 
Schymansky,  winking  rather  too  broadly.  I  think 
Schymansky  was  the  name. 

"  By  the  way,"  said  I,  "  I  have  had  no  word  from  our 
mutual  friends.  Have  you  seen  them?  " 

Mr.  Pless  stiffened.  His  face  grew  perceptibly 
older. 

"  I  regret  to  inform  you,  Mr.  Smart,  that  our  re 
lations  are  not  quite  as  friendly  as  they  once  were.  I 
have  reason  to  suspect  that  Mr.  Smith  has  been  working 
against  me  for  the  past  two  or  three  days,  to  such  an 
extent,  I  may  say,  that  the  Ambassador  now  declines  to 
advise  your  government  to  grant  us  certain  privileges 
we  had  hoped  to  secure  without  trouble.  In  short,  we 
have  just  heard  that  he  will  not  ask  the  United  States 
to  consider  anything  in  the  shape  of  an  extradition  if 
the  Countess  is  apprehended  in  her  own  country.  Up 
to  yesterday  we  felt  confident  that  he  would  advise  your 
State  Department  to  turn  the  child  over  to  our  repre 
sentatives  in  case  she  is  to  be  found  there.  There  has 
been  underhand  work  going  on,  and  Mr.  Smith  is  at 
the  bottom  of  it.  He  wantonly  insulted  me  the  day 
we  left  Rothhoefen.  I  have  challenged  him,  but  he  — 
he  committed  the  most  diabolical  breach  of  etiquette  by 
threatening  to  kick  my  friend  the  Baron  out  of  his 
rooms  when  he  waited  upon  him  yesterday  morning." 

With  difficulty  I  restrained   a  desire  to  shout  the 


194  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

single  word :  "  Good ! "  I  was  proud  of  Billy  Smith. 
Controlling  my  exultation,  I  merely  said :  "  Perfectly 
diabolical !  Perfectly !  " 

"  I  have  no  doubt,  however,  should  our  Minister  make 
a  formal  demand  upon  your  Secretary  of  State,  the 
cause  of  justice  would  be  sustained.  It  is  a  clear  case 
of  abduction,  as  you  so  forcibly  declare  in  the  inter 
views,  Mr.  Smart.  I  cannot  adequately  express  my 
gratification  for  the  stand  you  have  taken.  Will  you 
be  offended  if  I  add  that  it  was  rather  unexpected?  I 
had  the  feeling  that  you  were  against  me,  that  you  did 
not  like  me." 

I  smiled  deprecatingly.  "  As  I  seldom  read  the  news 
papers,  I  am  not  quite  sure  that  they  have  done  justice 
to  my  real  feelings  in  the  matter." 

The  lawyer  sitting  directly  opposite  to  me,  was 
watching  my  face  intently.  "  They  quoted  you  rather 
freely,  sir,"  said  he.  Instinctively  I  felt  that  here  was 
a  wily  person  whom  it  would  be  difficult  to  deceive. 
"  The  Count  is  to  be  congratulated  upon  having  the 
good  will  of  so  distinguished  a  gentleman  as  John  Bell 
amy  Smart.  It  will  carry  great  weight,  believe  me." 

"  Oh,  you  will  find  to  your  sorrow  that  I  cut  a  very 
small  figure  in  national  politics,"  said  I.  "  Pray  do 
not  deceive  yourselves." 

"  May  I  offer  you  a  brandy  and  soda?  "  asked  Mr. 
Pless,  tapping  sharply  on  the  table  top  with  his  seal 
ring.  Instantly  his  French  valet,  still  bearing  faint 
traces  of  the  drubbing  he  had  sustained  at  Britton's 
hands,  appeared  in  the  bedchamber  door. 

"  Thank  you,  no,"  I  made  haste  to  say.  "  I  am  on 
the  water  wagon." 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  said  Mr.  Pless  in  perplexity. 

"  I  am  not  drinking,  Mr.  Pless,"  I  explained. 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      195 

"  Sorry,"  said  he,  and  curtly  dismissed  the  man.  I 
had  a  notion  that  the  great  lawyer  looked  a  trifle  dis 
appointed.  "  I  fancy  you  are  wondering  why  I  sent 
for  you,  Mr.  Smart." 

"  I  am." 

"  Am  I  to  assume  that  the  newspapers  were  correct 
in  stating  that  you  mean  to  support  my  cause  with  — 
I  may  say,  to  the  full  extent  of  your  powers?  " 

"  It  depends  on  circumstances,  Mr.  Pless." 

"  Circumstances  ?  "  He  eyed  me  rather  coldly,  as  if 
to  say,  "  What  right  have  you  to  suggest  circum 
stances  ?  " 

"  Perhaps  I  should  have  said  that  it  depends  some 
what  on  what  my  powers  represent." 

He  crossed  his  slender  legs  comfortably  and  looked 
at  me  with  a  queer  little  tilt  of  his  left  eyebrow,  but 
with  an  unsmiling  visage.  He  was  too  cocksure  of 
himself  to  grant  me  even  so  much  as  an  ingratiating 
smile.  Was  not  I  a  glory-seeking  American  and  he 
one  of  the  glorious?  It  would  be  doing  me  a  favour 
to  let  me  help  him. 

"  I  trust  you  will  understand,  Mr.  Smart,  that  I 
do  not  ask  a  favour  of  you,  but  rather  put  myself 
under  a  certain  obligation  for  the  time  being.  You 
have  become  a  land-owner  in  this  country,  and  as  such, 
you  should  ally  yourself  with  the  representative  people 
of  our  land.  It  is  not  an  easy  matter  for  a  foreigner 
to  plant  himself  in  our  midst,  so  to  speak, —  as  a 
mushroom, —  and  expect  to  thrive  on  limited  favours. 
I  can  be  of  assistance  to  you.  My  position,  as  you 
doubtless  know,  is  rather  a  superior  one  in  the  capital. 
An  unfortunate  marriage  has  not  lessened  the  power 
that  I  possess  as  a  birthright  nor  the  esteem  in  which 
I  am  held  throughout  Europe.  The  disgraceful  meth- 


196  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

ods  employed  by  my  former  wife  in  securing  a  divorce 
are  well  known  to  you,  I  take  it,  and  I  am  gratified  to 
observe  that  you  frown  upon  them.  I  suppose  you 
know  the  whole  story?  " 

"  I  think  I  do,"  said  I,  quietly.  I  have  never  known 
such  consummate  self-assurance  as  the  fellow  dis 
played. 

"  Then  you  are  aware  that  her  father  has  defaulted 
under  the  terms  of  an  ante-nuptial  agreement.  There 
is  still  due  me,  under  the  contract,  a  round  million  of 
your  exceedingly  useful  dollars." 

"  With  the  interest  to  be  added,"  said  the  lawyer, 
thrumming  on  the  chair-arm  with  his  fingers  something 
after  the  fashion  my  mother  always  employs  in  com 
puting  a  simple  sum  in  addition. 

"  Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Pless,  sharply.  "  Mr.  Smart 
understands  that  quite  clearly,  Mr.  Schymansky.  It 
isn't  necessary  to  enlighten  him." 

The  lawyer  cleared  his  throat.  I  knew  him  at  once 
for  a  shyster.  Mr.  Pless  continued,  addressing  me. 

"  Of  course  he  will  have  to  pay  this  money  before 
his  daughter  may  even  hope  to  gain  from  me  the  right 
to  share  the  custody  of  our  little  girl,  who  loves  me 
devotedly.  When  the  debt  is  fully  liquidated,  I  may 
consent  to  an  arrangement  by  which  she  shall  have  the 
child  part  of  the  time  at  least." 

"  It  seems  to  me  she  has  the  upper  hand  of  you  at 
present,  however,"  I  said,  not  without  secret  satisfac 
tion.  "  She  may  be  in  America  by  this  time." 

"  I  think  not,"  said  he.  "  Every  steamship  has  been 
watched  for  days,  and  we  are  quite  positive  she  has  not 
sailed.  There  is  the  possibility,  however,  that  she  may 
have  been  taken  by  motor  to  some  out-of-the-way  place 
where  she  will  await  the  chance  to  slip  away  by  means 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      197 

of  a  specially  chartered  ship.  It  is  this  very  thing 
that  we  are  seeking  to  prevent.  I  do  not  hesitate  to 
admit  that  if  she  once  gets  the  child  to  New  York,  we 
may  expect  serious  difficulty  in  obtaining  our  rights. 
I  humbly  confess  that  I  have  not  the  means  to  fight  her 
in  a  land  where  her  father's  millions  count  for  so  much. 
I  am  a  poor  man.  My  estates  are  heavily  involved 
through  litigation  started  by  my  forbears.  You  un 
derstand  my  position  ? "  He  said  it  with  a  rather 
pathetic  twist  of  his  lips. 

**  I  understand  that  you  received  a  million  in  cash 
at  the  time  of  the  wedding,"  said  I.  "  What  has  be 
come  of  all  that  ?" 

He  shrugged  his  shoulders.  "  Can  you  expect  me 
to  indulge  an  extravagant  wife,  who  seeks  to  become  a 
social  queen,  and  still  save  anything  out  of  a  paltry 
million?" 

"  Oh,  I  see.  This  is  a  new  phase  of  the  matter  that 
hasn't  been  revealed  to  me.  It  was  she  who  spent  the 
million  ?  " 

"  After  a  fashion,  yes,"  said  he,  without  a  spark  of 
shame.  "  The  chateau  was  in  rather  a  dilapidated  con 
dition,  and  she  insisted  on  its  restoration.  It  was  also 
necessary  to  spend  a  great  deal  of  money  in  the  effort 
to  secure  for  herself  a  certain  position  in  society.  My 
own  position  was  not  sufficient  for  her.  She  wanted  to 
improve  upon  it,  I  might  say.  We  entertained  a  great 
deal,  and  lavishly.  She  was  accustomed  to  gratifying 
every  taste  and  whim  that  money  could  purchase. 
Naturally,  it  was  not  long  before  we  were  hard  pressed 
for  funds.  I  went  to  New  York  a  year  ago  and  put 
the  matter  clearly  before  her  father.  He  met  me 
with  another  proposition  which  rather  disgusted  me. 
I  am  a  man  who  believes  in  fair  dealing.  If  I  have  an 


198  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

obligation  I  meet  it.     Isn't  that  true,  Mr.  Schyman 
sky?  " 

"  It  is,"  said  the  lawyer. 

"  Her  father  revoked  his  original  plan  and  suggested 
an  alternative.  He  proposed  to  put  the  million  in 
trust  for  his  granddaughter,  our  Rosemary, —  a  name, 
sir,  that  I  abominate  and  which  was  given  to  her  after 
my  wife  had  sulked  for  weeks, —  the  interest  to  be 
paid  to  his  daughter  until  the  child  reached  the  age  of 
twenty-one.  Of  course,  I  could  not  accept  such  an 
arrangement.  It  — " 

"  Acting  on  my  advice, —  for  I  was  present  at  the 
interview, —  the  Count  emphatically  declined  to  enter 
tain  — " 

"  Never  mind,  Schymansky,"  broke  in  the  Count  pet 
ulantly.  "  What  is  the  use  of  going  into  all  that  ?  " 
He  appeared  to  reflect  for  a  moment.  "  Will  you  be 
good  enough  to  leave  the  room  for  awhile,  Mr.  Schy 
mansky?  I  think  Mr.  Smart  and  I  can  safely  manage 
a  friendly  compact  without  your  assistance.  Eh,  Mr. 
Smart?" 

I  couldn't  feel  sorry  for  Schymansky.  He  hadn't 
the  backbone  of  an  angleworm.  If  I  were  a  lawyer 
and  a  client  of  mine  were  to  speak  to  me  as  Pless  spoke 
to  him,  I  firmly  believe  I  should  have  had  at  least  a  fair 
sprinkling  of  his  blood  upon  my  hands. 

"  I  beg  of  you,  Count,  to  observe  caution  and  — " 

"  If  you  please,  sir ! "  cut  in  the  Count,  with  the 
austerity  that  makes  the  continental  nobleman  what 
he  is. 

"  If  you  require  my  services,  you  will  find  me  in 
the—" 

"  Not  in  the  hall,  I  trust,"  said  his  client  in  a  most 
insulting  way. 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      199 

Schymansky  left  the  room  without  so  much  as  a 
glance  at  me.  He  struck  me  as  a  man  who  knew  his 
place  better  than  any  menial  I've  ever  seen.  I  particu 
larly  noticed  that  not  even  his  ears  were  red. 

"  Rather  rough  way  to  handle  a  lawyer,  it  strikes 
me,"  said  I.  "  Isn't  he  any  good  ?  " 

"  He  is  as  good  as  the  best  of  them,"  said  the  Count, 
lighting  his  fourth  or  fifth  cigarette.  "  I  have  no 
patience  with  the  way  they  muddle  matters  by  always 
talking  law,  law,  law!  If  it  were  left  to  me,  I  should 
dismiss  the  whole  lot  of  them  and  depend  entirely  upon 
my  common-sense.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  the  lawyers, 
I  am  convinced  that  all  this  trouble  could  have  been 
avoided,  or  at  least  amicably  adjusted  out  of  court. 
But  I  am  saddled  with  half  a  dozen  of  them,  simply 
because  two  or  three  banks  and  as  many  private  inter 
ests  are  inclined  to  be  officious.  They  claim  that  my 
interests  are  theirs,  but  I  doubt  it,  by  Jove,  I  do. 
They're  a  blood-sucking  lot,  these  bankers.  But  I 
sha'n't  bore  you  with  trivialities.  Now  here  is  the  sit 
uation  in  a  word.  It  is  quite  impossible  for  me  to 
prosecute  the  search  for  my  child  without  financial 
assistance  from  outside  sources.  My  funds  are  prac 
tically  exhausted  and  the  banks  refuse  to  extend  my 
credit.  You  have  publicly  declared  yourself  to  be  my 
friend  and  well-wisher.  I  have  asked  you  to  come  here 
to-night,  Mr.  Smart,  to  put  you  to  the  real  test,  so  to 
speak.  I  want  one  hundred  thousand  dollars  for  six 
months." 

While  I  was  prepared  in  a  sense  for  the  request,  the 
brazenness  with  which  he  put  it  up  to  me  took  my 
breath  away.  I  am  afraid  that  the  degage  manner  in 
which  he  paid  compliment  to  my  affluence  was  too  much 
for  me.  I  blinked  my  eyes  rapidly  for  a  second  or 


200  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

two  and  then  allowed  them  to  settle  into  a  stare  of  per 
plexity. 

"  Really,  Mr.  Pless,"  I  mumbled  in  direct  contrast 
to  his  sangfroid,  "  you  —  you  surprise  me." 

He  laughed  quietly,  almost  reassuringly,  as  he 
leaned  forward  in  his  chair  the  better  to  study  my 
face.  "  I  hope  you  do  not  think  that  I  expect  you  to 
produce  so  much  ready  money  to-night,  Mr.  Smart. 
Oh,  no !  Any  time  within  the  next  few  days  will  be 
satisfactory.  Take  your  time,  sir.  I  appreciate  that 
it  requires  time  to  arrange  for  the  — " 

I  held  up  my  hand  with  a  rather  lofty  air.  "  Was 
it  one  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  that  you  mentioned, 
or—" 

"  That  was  the  amount,"  said  he,  a  sudden  glitter 
in  his  eyes. 

I  studied  the  ceiling  with  a  calculating  squint,  as 
if  trying  to  approximate  my  balance  in  bank.  He 
watched  me  closely,  almost  breathlessly.  At  last,  un 
able  to  control  his  eagerness,  he  said: 

"  At  the  usual  rate  of  interest,  you  understand." 

"  Certainly,"  I  said,  and  resumed  my  calculations. 
He  got  the  impression  that  I  was  annoyed  by  the  in 
terruption. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,"  he  said. 

"  What  security  can  you  give,  Mr.  Pless  ?  "  I  de 
manded  in  a  very  business-like  way. 

"  Oh,  you  Americans ! "  he  cried,  his  face  beaming 
with  premature  relief.  "  You  will  pin  us  down,  I  see. 
I  do  not  wonder  that  you  are  so  rich.  I  shall  give 
you  my  personal  note,  Mr.  Smart,  for  the  amount,  se 
cured  by  a  mortgage  —  a  supplementary  mortgage  — 
on  the  Chateau  Tarnowsy." 

Tarnowsy!     Now  I   remembered   everything.     Tar- 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      201 

nowsy!  The  name  struck  my  memory  like  a  blow. 
What  a  stupid  dolt  I  had  been !  The  whole  world  had 
rung  wedding  bells  for  the  marriage  of  the  Count 
Maris  Tarnowsy,  scion  of  one  of  the  greatest  Hun 
garian  houses,  and  Aline,  the  nineteen-year-old  daugh 
ter  of  Gwendolen  and  Jasper  Titus,  of  New  York,  New 
port,  Tuxedo,  Hot  Springs,  Palm  Beach  and  so  forth. 
Jasper  Titus,  the  banker  and  railway  magnate, 
whose  name  as  well  as  his  hand  was  to  be  seen  in  every 
great  financial  movement  of  the  last  two  decades ! 

What  a  fool  I  was  not  to  recall  a  marriage  that  had 
been  not  only  on  the  lips  of  every  man,  woman  and 
child  in  the  States  but  on  mine  in  particular,  for  I 
had  bitterly  execrated  the  deliverance  into  bondage  of 
this  young  girl  of  whose  beauty  and  charm  I  had  heard 
so  much. 

The  whole  spectacular  travesty  came  back  to  me 
with  a  rush,  as  I  sat  there  in  the  presence  of  the  only 
man  who  had  ever  been  known  to  get  the  better  of 
Jasper  Titus  in  a  trade.  I  remembered  with  some  viv 
idness  my  scornful  attitude  toward  the  newspapers  of 
the  metropolis,  all  of  which  fairly  sloshed  over  with 
the  news  of  the  great  event  weeks  beforehand  and 
weeks  afterward.  I  was  not  the  only  man  who  said 
harsh  things  about  Jasper  Titus  in  those  days.  I  was 
but  one  of  the  multitude. 

I  also  recalled  my  scathing  comments  at  the  time 
of  the  divorce  proceedings.  They  were  too  caustic  to 
be  repeated  here.  It  is  only  necessary  to  state  that 
the  proceedings  came  near  to  putting  two  friendly 
nations  into  very  bad  temper.  Statesmen  and  diplo 
mats  were  drawn  into  the  mess,  and  jingo  congressmen 
on  our  side  of  the  water  introduced  sensational  bills 
bearing  specifically  upon  the  international  marriage 


202  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

market.  Newspaper  humourists  stood  together  as 
one  man  in  advocating  a  revision  of  the  tariff  upward 
on  all  foreign  purchases  coming  under  the  head  of  the 
sons  of  old  masters.  As  I  have  said  before  I  did  not 
follow  the  course  of  the  nasty  squabble  very  closely, 
and  was  quite  indifferent  as  to  the  result.  I  have  a 
vague  recollection  of  some  one  telling  me  that  a  divorce 
had  been  granted,  but  that  is  all.  There  was  also 
something  said  about  a  child. 

My  pleasant  little  mystery  had  come  to  a  sharp  and 
rather  depressing  end.  The  lovely  countess  about 
whom  I  had  cast  the  veil  of  secrecy  was  no  other  than 
the  much-discussed  Aline  Titus  and  Mr.  Pless  the  ex 
pensive  Count  Tarnowsy.  Cold,  hard  facts  took  the 
place  of  indulgent  fancies.  The  dream  was  over.  I 
was  sorry  to  have  it  end.  A  joyous  enthusiasm  had 
attended  me  while  I  worked  in  the  dark ;  now  a  dreary 
reality  stared  me  in  the  face.  The  sparkle  was  gone. 
Is  there  anything  so  sad  as  a  glass  of  champagne  when 
it  has  gone  flat  and  lifeless? 

My  cogitations  were  brief.  The  Count  after  waiting 
for  a  minute  or  two  to  let  me  grasp  the  full  importance 
of  the  sacrifice  he  was  ready  to  make  in  order  to  secure 
me  against  personal  loss,  blandly  announced  that  there 
were  but  two  mortgages  on  the  chateau,  whereas  nearly 
every  other  place  of  the  kind  within  his  knowledge  had 
thrice  as  many. 

"  You  wish  me  to  accept  a  third  mortgage  on  the 
place?"  I  inquired,  pursing  my  lips. 

"  The  Chateau  is  worth  at  least  a  million,"  he  said 
earnestly.  "  But  why  worry  about  that,  Mr.  Smart? 
My  personal  note  is  all  that  is  necessary.  The  matter 
of  a  mortgage  is  merely  incidental.  I  believe  it  is 
considered  business-like  by  you  Americans,  so  I  stand 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      203 

quite  ready  to  abide  by  your  habits.  I  shall  soon  be  in 
possession  of  a  million  in  any  event,  so  you  are  quite 
safe  in  advancing  me  any  amount  up  to — " 

"  Just  a  moment,  Count,"  I  interrupted,  leaning  for 
ward  in  my  chair.  "  May  I  inquire  where  and  from 
whom  you  received  the  impression  that  I  am  a  rich 
man?" 

He  laughed  easily.  "  One  who  indulges  a  whim, 
Mr.  Smart,  is  always  rich.  Schloss  Rothhoefen  con 
demns  you  to  the  purgatory  of  Croesus." 

"  Cro2sus  would  be  a  poor  man  in  these  days," 
said  I.  "  If  he  lived  in  New  York  he  would  be  won 
dering  where  his  next  meal  was  to  come  from.  You 
have  made  a  very  poor  guess  as  to  my  wealth.  I  am 
not  a  rich  man." 

He  eyed  me  coldly.  "  Have  you  suddenly  discov 
ered  the  fact,  sir?  " 

"What  do  you  mean?" 

"  I  suggest  a  way  in  which  you  can  be  of  assistance 
to  me,  and  you  hesitate.  How  am  I  to  take  it,  sir?  " 

His  infernal  air  of  superiority  aggravated  me. 
"  You  may  take  it  just  as  you  please,  Mr.  Pless." 

"  I  beg  you  to  remember  that  I  am  Count  Tarnowsy. 
Mr.—" 

I  arose.  "  The  gist  of  the  matter  is  this :  you  want 
to  borrow  one  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  dollars  of 
me.  That  is — " 

He  hastened  to  correct  me.  "  I  do  not  call  it  bor 
rowing  when  one  gives  ample  security  for  the  amount 
involved." 

"What  is  your  idea  of  borrowing,  may  I  ask?" 

"  Borrowing  is  the  same  thing  as  asking  a  favour 
according  to  our  conception  of  the  transaction.  I  am 
not  asking  a  favour  of  you,  sir.  Far  from  it.  I  am 


204  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

offering  you  an  opportunity  to  put  a  certain  amount 
of  money  out  at  a  high  rate  of  interest." 

"  Well,  then,  we'll  look  at  it  in  that  light.  I  am 
not  in  a  position  to  invest  so  much  money  at  this  time. 
To  be  perfectly  frank  with  you,  I  haven't  the  money 
lying  loose." 

"  Suppose  that  I  were  to  say  that  any  iday  inside  the 
next  three  or  four  weeks  would  be  satisfactory  to  me," 
said  he,  as  if  he  were  granting  me  a  favour.  *'  Please 
be  seated,  Mr.  Smart."  He  glanced  at  his  watch.  "I 
have  ordered  a  light  supper  to  be  sent  up  at  ten  o'clock. 
We  can — " 

"  Thank  you.     I  fear  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  re 


main. 

M 


I  shall  be  disappointed.  However,  another  time 
if  not  to-night,  I  trust.  And  now  to  come  to  the  point. 
May  I  depend  upon  you  to  help  me  at  this  trying  pe 
riod?  A  few  thousand  will  be  sufficient  for  present 
needs,  and  the  balance  may  go  over  a  few  weeks  without 
seriously  inconveniencing  me.  If  we  can  come  to  some 
sort  of  an  understanding  to-night,  my  attorney  will 
be  happy  to  meet  you  to-morrow  at  any  time  and  place 
you  may  suggest." 

I  actually  was  staggered.  Upon  my  word  it  was 
almost  as  if  he  were  dunning  me  and  magnanimously 
consenting  to  give  me  an  extension  of  time  if  I  could 
see  my  way  clear  to  let  him  have  something  on  account. 
My  choler  was  rising. 

"I  may  as  well  tell  you  first  as  last,  Count  Tar- 
nowsy,  that  I  cannot  let  you  have  the  money.  It  is 
quite,  impossible.  In  the  first  place,  I  haven't  the 
amount  to  spare;  in  the  second — " 

"  Enough,  sir,"  he  broke  in  angrily.  "  I  have  com 
mitted  the  common  error  of  regarding  one  of  you  as  a 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY      205 

gentleman.  Damn  me,  if  I  shall  ever  do  so  again. 
There  isn't  one  in  the  whole  of  the  United  States.  Will 
you  be  good  enough,  Mr.  Smart,  to  overlook  my  mis 
take?  I  thank  you  for  taking  the  trouble  to  rush 
into  print  in  my  defence.  If  you  have  gained  any 
thing  by  it,  I  do  not  begrudge  you  the  satisfaction  you 
must  feel  in  being  heralded  as  the  host  of  Count  Tar- 
nowsy  and  his  friend.  You  obtained  the  privilege  very 
cheaply." 

"  You  will  do  well,  sir,  to  keep  a  civil  tongue  in  your 
head,"  said  I,  paling  with  fury.  ^ 

"  I  have  nothing  more  to  say  to  you,  Mr.  Smart," 
said  he  contemptuously.  "  Good  night.  Franfois ! 
Conduct  Mr.  Smart  to  the  corridor." 

Fran9ois  —  or  "  Franko  "  as  Britton,  whose  French 
is  very  lame,  had  called  him  —  preceded  me  to  the 
door.  In  all  my  experience,  nothing  has  surprised  me 
so  much  as  my  ability  to  leave  the  room  without  first 
kicking  Fra^ois'  master,  or  at  least  telling  him  what 
I  thought  of  him.  Strangely  enough  I  did  not  recover 
my  sense  of  speech  until  I  was  well  out  into  the  cor 
ridor.  Then  I  deliberately  took  a  gold  coin  out  of 
my  pocket  and  pressed  it  into  the  valet's  hand. 

"  Kindly  give  that  to  your  master  with  my  compli 
ments,"  said  I,  in  a  voice  that  was  intended  to  reach 
Tarnowsy's  ear. 

"  Bon  soir,  m'sieu,"  said  Fra^ois,  with  an  amiable 
grin.  He  watched  me  descend  the  stairs  and  then  softly 
closed  the  door. 

In  the  office  I  came  upon  Mr.  Schymansky. 
"  I    trust    everything    is    satisfactorily    arranged, 
Mr. — "  he  began  smiling  and  rubbing  his  hands.     He 
was  so  utterly  unprepared  for  the  severity  of  the  in 
terruption  that  the  smile  was  still  in  process  of  con- 


206  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

gealing  as  I  stepped  out  into  the  narrow,  illy-lighted 
street. 

Max  and  Rudolph  were  waiting  at  the  wharf  for  me. 
Their  excellent  arms  and  broad  backs  soon  drove  the 
light  boat  across  the  river.  But  once  during  the  five 
or  ten  minutes  of  passage  did  I  utter  a  word,  and  that 
word,  while  wholly  involuntary  and  by  no  means  ad 
dressed  to  my  oarsmen,  had  the  remarkable  effect  of 
making  them  row  like  fury  for  the  remainder  of  the 
distance. 

Mr.  Poopendyke  was  waiting  for  me  in  the  court 
yard.  He  was  carrying  a  lantern,  which  he  held  rather 
close  to  my  face  as  if  looking  for  something  he  dreaded 
to  see. 

"What  the  devil  is  the  matter  with  you?"  I  de 
manded  irascibly.  "What's  up?  What  are  you  do 
ing  out  here  with  a  lantern?" 

"  I  was  rather  anxious,"  he  said,  a  note  of  relief  in 
his  voice.  "  I  feared  that  something  unexpected  might 
have  befallen  you.  Five  minutes  ago  the  —  Mr.  Pless 
called  up  on  the  telephone  and  left  a  message  for  you. 
It  rather  upset  me,  sir." 

"  He  did,  eh?     Well,  what  did  he  say?  " 

"  He  merely  commanded  me  to  give  you  his  compli 
ments  and  to  tell  you  to  go  to  the  devil.  I  told  him 
that  you  would  doubtless  be  at  home  a  little  later  on 
and  it  would  sound  very  much  better  if  it  came  from 
him  instead  of  from  me.  Whereupon  he  told  me  to 
accompany  you,  giving  rather  explicit  directions.  He 
appeared  to  be  in  a  tremendous  rage." 

I  laughed  heartily.  "  I  must  have  got  under  his 
confounded  skin  after  all." 

"  I  was  a  little  worried,  so  I  came  out  with  the  lan 
tern.  One  never  can  tell.  Did  you  come  to  blows?" 

"Blows?     What  puts  that  idea  into  your  head?" 


I  AM  INVITED  TO  SPEND  MONEY     207 

"  The  Countess  was  listening  on  the  extension  wire 
while  he  was  speaking  to  me.  She  thought  it  was  you 
calling  up  and  was  eager  to  hear  what  had  happened. 
It  was  she  who  put  it  into  my  head.  She  said  you 
must  have  given  his  nose  a  jolly  good  pulling  or  some 
thing  of  the  sort.  I  am  extremely  sorry,  but  she  heard 
every  word  he  said,  even  to  the  mildest  damn." 

"  It  must  have  had  a  very  familiar  sound  to  her," 
I  said  sourly. 

"  So  she  informed  me." 

"  Oh,  you've  seen  her,  eh?" 

"  She  came  down  to  the  secret  door  a  few  minutes 
ago  and  urged  me  to  set  out  to  meet  you.  She  says 
she  can  hardly  wait  for  the  news.  I  was  to  send  you 
upstairs  at  once." 

Confound  him,  he  took  that  very  instant  to  hold 
the  lantern  up  to  my  face  again,  and  caught  me  grin 
ning  like  a  Cheshire  cat. 

I  hurried  to  my  room  and  brushed  myself  up  a  bit. 
On  my  bureau,  in  a  glass  of  water,  there  was  a  white 
boutonniere,  rather  clumsily  constructed  and  all  ready 
to  be  pinned  in  the  lapel  of  my  coat.  I  confess  to  a 
blush.  I  wish  Britton  would  not  be  so  infernally  ardu 
ous  in  his  efforts  to  please  me. 

The  Countess  gave  a  little  sigh  of  relief  when  I 
dashed  in  upon  her  a  few  minutes  later.  She  had  it  all 
out  of  me  before  I  had  quite  recovered  my  breath  after 
the  climb  upstairs. 

"  And  so  it  was  I  who  spent  all  the  money,"  she 
mused,  with  a  far-away  look  in  her  eyes. 

"  In  trying  to  be  a  countess,"  said  I  boldly. 

She  smiled.     "  Are  you  hungry  ?  " 

"  Delightfully,"  said  I. 

We  sat  down  at  the  table.  "  Now  tell  me  everything 
all  over  again,"  she  said. 


CHAPTER    XII 

I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE 

MR.  POOPENDYKE  began  to  develop  a  streak  of  ro 
mantic  invention  —  in  fact,  tomfoolery  —  A  day  or 
two  after  my  experience  with  Count  Tarnowsy  in  the 
Rempf  Hotel.  He  is  the  last  person  in  the  world  of 
whom  I  —  or  any  one  else  —  would  suspect  silliness 
of  a  radical  nature. 

We  were  finding  it  rather  difficult  to  get  down  to 
actual,  serious  work  on  the  book.  The  plot  and  tHe 
synopsis,  of  course,  were  quite  completely  outlined; 
with  ordinary  intensity  of  purpose  on  my  part  the 
tale  might  have  galloped  through  the  introductory 
chapters  with  some  clarity  and  decisiveness.  But  for 
some  reason  I  lacked  the  power  of  concentration,  or 
perhaps  more  properly  speaking  the  power  of  initiative. 
I  laid  it  to  the  hub-bub  created  by  the  final  effort  of  the 
workmen  to  finish  the  job  of  repairing  my  castle  before 
cold  weather  set  in. 

"  That  isn't  it,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  my  secretary 
darkly.  We  were  in  the  study  and  my  pad  of  paper 
was  lying  idly  on  my  knees.  For  half  an  hour  I  had 
been  trying  to  think  of  a  handy  sentence  with  which  to 
open  the  story;  the  kind  of  sentence  that  catches  the 
unwary  reader's  attention  at  a  glance  and  makes  for 
interest. 

"What  is  it,  then?  "  I  demanded,  at  once  resenting 
an  opinion. 

He  smiled  mysteriously.     "  You  were  not  thinking 

of  the  workmen  just  now,  were  you?  " 

208 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     209 

"  Certainly,"  said  I,  coldly.  "  What's  that  got  to 
do  with  it?" 

"  Nothing,  I  suppose,"  said  he  resignedly. 

I  hesitated.  "  0-f  course  it  is  the  work  that  upsets 
me.  What  are  you  driving  at?  " 

He  stared  for  a  long  time  at  the  portrait  of  Ludwig 
the  Red.  "  Isn't  it  odd  that  the  Countess,  an  Ameri 
can,  should  be  descended  from  the  old  Rothhoefens? 
What  a  small  world  it  is,  after  all ! " 

I  became  wary.  "  Nothing  odd  about  it  to  me. 
We've  all  got  to  descend  from  somebody." 

"  I  dare  say.  Still  it  is  odd  that  she  should  be  hid 
ing  in  the  castle  of  her  ances  — " 

"  Not  at  all,  not  at  all.  It  just  happens  to  be  a 
handy  place.  Perfectly  natural." 

We  lapsed  into  a  prolonged  spell  of  silence.  I  found 
myself  watching  him  rather  combatively,  as  who  would 
anticipate  the  move  of  an  adversary. 

"  Perfect  rot,"  said  I,  at  last,  without  rhyme  or  rea 
son. 

He  grinned.  "  Nevertheless,  it's  the  general  opinion 
that  you  are,"  said  he. 

I  sat  up  very  straight.     "What's  that?  " 

"  You're  in  love,"  said  he  succinctly.  It  was  like 
a  bomb,  and  a  bomb  is  the  very  last  thing  in  succinct 
ness.  It  comes  to  the  point  without  palaver  or  con 
jecture,  and  it  reduces  havoc  to  a  single  synonymous 
syllable. 

"  You're  crazy !  "  I  gasped. 

"  And  the  workmen  haven't  anything  at  all  to  do 
with  it,"  he  pronounced  emphatically.  It  was  a  direct 
charge.  I  distinctly  felt  called  upon  to  refute  it. 
But  while  I  was  striving  to  collect  my  thoughts  he 
went  on,  somewhat  arbitrarily,  I  thought :  "  You 


210  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

don't    think    we're    all   blind,    do    you,   Mr.    Smart  ? " 
"We?"  I  murmured,  a  curious  dampness  assailing 

me. 

"  That  is  to  say,  Britton,  the  Schmicks  and  myself." 
"  The  Schmicks?  "     It  was  high  time  that  I  should 

laugh.     "  Ha !  ha !     The  Schmicks !     Good  Lord,  man, 

—  the  Schmicks."     It  sounded  inane  even  to  me,  but, 
on  my  soul,  it  was  all  I  could  think  of  to  say. 

"  The  Schmicks  are  tickled  to  death  over  it,"  said  he. 
"  And  so  is  Britton." 

Collecting  all  the  sarcasm  that  I  could  command  at 
the  instant,  I  inquired :  "  And  you,  Mr.  Poopendyke, 

—  are  you  not  ticklish?  " 
"  Very,"  said  he. 

"Well,  I'm  not!"  said  I,  savagely.  "What  does 
all  this  nonsense  mean.  Don't  be  an  ass,  Fred." 

"  Perhaps  you  don't  know  it,  Mr.  Smart,  but  you 
are  in  love,"  said  he  so  convincingly  that  I  was  con 
scious  of  an  abrupt  sinking  of  the  heart.  Good  heav 
ens  !  Was  he  right  ?  Was  there  anything  in  this 
silly  twaddle?  "You  are  quite  mad  about  her." 

"  The  deuce  you  say !  "  I  exclaimed,  rather  blankly. 

"  Oh,  I've  seen  it  coming.  For  that  matter,  so  has 
she.  It's  as  plain  as  the  nose  — " 

I  leaped  to  my  feet,  startled.  "  She  ?  You  don't  — 
Has  she  said  anything  that  leads  you  to  believe  —  Oh, 
the  deuce !  What  rot !  " 

"  No  use  getting  angry  over  it,"  he  said  consolingly. 
"  Falling  in  love  is  the  sort  of  thing  a  fellow  can't 
help,  you  know.  It  happens  without  his  assistance. 
It  is  so  easy.  Now  I  was  once  in  love  with  a  girl  for 
two  years  without  really  knowing  it." 

"  And  how  did  you  find  it  out  ?  "  I  asked,  weakly. 

"  I  didn't  find  it  out  until  she  married  another  chap. 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     211 

Then  I  knew  I'd  been  in  love  with  her  all  the  time. 
But  that's  neither  here  nor  there.  You  are  heels  over 
head  in  love  with  the  Countess  Tarnowsy  and  — " 

"  Shut  up,  Fred !  You're  going  daffy  from  reading 
my  books,  or  absorbing  my  manuscripts,  or  — " 

"  Heaven  is  my  witness,  I  don't  read  your  books  and 
I  merely  correct  your  manuscripts.  God  knows  there 
is  no  romance  in  that!  You  are  in  love.  Now  what 
are  you  going  to  do  about  it?  " 

"  Do  about  it?  "  I  demanded. 

"  You  can't  go  on  in  this  way,  you  know,"  he  said 
relentlessly.  "  She  won't  — " 

"  Why,  you  blithering  idiot,"  I  roared,  "  do  you 
know  what  you  are  saying?  I'm  not  in  love  with 
anybody.  My  heart  is  —  is  —  But  never  mind ! 
Now,  listen  to  me,  Fred.  This  nonsense  has  got  to 
cease.  I  won't  have  it.  Why,  she's  already  got  a  hus 
band.  She's  had  all  she  can  stand  in  the  way  of 
husb  — " 

"  Rubbish !  She  can  stand  a  husband  or  two  more, 
if  you  are  going  to  look  at  it  in  a  literal  way.  Besides, 
she  hasn't  a  husband.  She's  chucked  him.  Good  rid 
dance,  too.  Now,  do  you  imagine  for  a  single  instant 
that  a  beautiful,  adorable  young  woman  of  twenty- 
three  is  going  to  spend  the  rest  of  her  life  without  a 
man?  Not  much!  She's  free  to  marry  again  and  she 
will." 

"  Admitting  that  to  be  true,  why  should  she  marry 
me?" 

"  I  didn't  say  she  was  in  love  with  you.  I  said  you 
were  in  love  with  her." 

"  Oh,"  I  said,  and  my  face  fell      "  I  see." 

He  seemed  to  be  considering  something.  After  a 
few  seconds,  he  nodded  his  head  decisively.  "  Yes,  I 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

am  sure  of  it.  If  the  right  man  gets  her,  she'll  make 
the  finest,  sweetest  wife  in  the  world.  She's  never  had 
a  chance  to  show  what's  really  in  her.  She  would  be 
adorable,  wouldn't  she?  " 

The  sudden  question  caught  me  unawares. 

"  She  would ! "  I  said,  with  conviction. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  slowly  and  deliberately,  "  why  don't 
you  set  about  it,  then  ?  " 

He  was  so  ridiculous  that  I  thought  for  the  fun  of 
it,  I'd  humour  him. 

"  Assuming  that  you  are  right  in  regard  to  my 
feelings  toward  her,  Fred,  what  leads  you  to  believe 
that  I  would  stand  a  chance  of  winning  her?  "  It  was 
a  silly  question,  but  I  declare  I  hung  on  his  answer 
with  a  tenseness  that  surprised  me. 

"Why  not?  You  are  good  looking,  a  gentleman,  a 
celebrity,  and  a  man.  Bless  my  soul,  she  could  do 
worse." 

"  But  you  forget  that  I  am  —  let  me  see  —  thirty- 
five  and  she  is  but  twenty-three." 

"  To  offset  that,  she  has  been  married  and  unhappy. 
That  brings  her  about  up  to  your  level,  I  should  say. 
She's  a  mother,  and  that  makes  you  seem  a  good  bit 
younger.  Moreover,  she  isn't  a  sod  widow.  She's  a 
grass  widow,  and  she's  got  a  living  example  to  use  as 
a  contrast.  Regulation  widows  sometimes  forget  the 
past  because  it  is  dim  and  dead;  but,  by  George,  sir, 
the  divorced  wife  doesn't  forget  the  hard  time  she's 
had.  She's  mighty  careful  when  she  goes  about  it 
the  second  time.  The  other  kind  has  lost  her  sense  of 
comparison,  her  standard,  so  to  speak.  Her  husband 
may  have  been  a  rotter  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  but 
he's  dead  and  buried  and  she  can't  see  anything  but 
the  good  that  was  in  him  for  the  simple  reason  that  it's 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     213 

on  his  tombstone.  But  when  they're  still  alive  and  as 
bad  as  ever, —  well,  don't  you  see  it's  different  ?  " 

"  It  occurs  to  me  she'd  be  more  likely  to  see  the 
evil  in  all  men  and  steer  clear  of  them." 

"  That  isn't  feminine  nature.  All  women  want  to 
be  loved.  They  want  to  be  married.  They  want  to 
make  some  man  happy." 

"  I  suppose  all  this  is  philosophy,"  I  mused,  some 
what  pleased  and  mollified.  "  But  we'll  look  at.it  from 
another  point  of  view.  The  former  Miss  Titus  set 
out  for  a  title.  She  got  it.  Do  you  imagine  she'll 
marry  a  man  who  has  no  position  —  By  Jove !  That 
reminds  me  of  something.  You  are  altogether  wrong 
in  your  reasoning,  Fred.  With  her  own  lips  she  de 
clared  to  me  one  day  that  she'd  never  marry  again. 
There  you  are !  " 

He  rolled  his  eyes  heavenward. 

"  They  take  delight  in  self-pity,"  said  he.  "  You 
can't  believe  'em  under  oath  when  they're  in  that 
mood." 

"  Well,  granting  that  she  will  marry  again,"  said  I, 
rather  insistently,  "  it  doesn't  follow  that  her  parents 
will  consent  to  a  marriage  with  any  one  less  than  a  duke 
the  next  time." 

"  They've  had  their  lesson." 

"  And  she  is  probably  a  mercenary  creature,  after 
all.  She's  had  a  taste  of  poverty,  after  a  fashion.  I 
imagine  — " 

"  If  I  know  anything  about  women,  the  Countess 
Tarnowsy  wants  love  more  than  anything  else  in  the 
world,  my  friend.  She  was  made  to  be  loved  and  she 
knows  it.  And  she  hasn't  had  any  of  it,  except  from 
men  who  didn't  happen  to  know  how  to  combine  love 
and  respect.  I'll  give  you  my  candid  opinion,  Mr. 


214  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

John  Bellamy  Smart.  She's  in  a  receptive  mood. 
Strike  while  the  iron  is  hot.  You'll  win  or  my  name 
isn't  — " 

"  Fred  Poopendyke,  you  haven't  a  grain  of  sense," 
I  broke  in  sharply.  "  Do  you  suppose,  just  to  oblige 
you,  I'll  get  myself  mixed  up  in  this  wretched  squabble? 
Why,  she's  not  really  clear  of  the  fellow  yet.  She's 
got  a  good  many  months  to  wait  before  the  matter  of 
the  child  and  the  final  decree  — " 

"  Isn't  she  worth  waiting  a  year  for  —  or  ten  years  ? 
Besides,  the  whole  squabble  will  come  to  an  end  the  min 
ute  old  man  Titus  puts  up  the  back  million.  And  the 
minute  the  Countess  goes  to  him  and  says  she's  willing 
for  him  to  pay  it,  you  take  my  word  for  it,  he'll  settle 
like  a  flash.  It  rests  with  her." 

"  I  don't  quite  get  your  meaning." 

"  She  isn't  going  to  let  a  stingy  little  million  stand 
between  her  and  happiness." 

"  Confound  you,  do  you  mean  to  say  she'd  ask  her 
father  to  pay  over  that  million  in  order  to  be  free  to 
marry  — "  I  did  not  condescend  to  finish  the  sen 
tence. 

"  Why  not  ?  "  he  demanded  after  a  moment.  "  He 
owes  it,  doesn't  he?  " 

I  gasped.  "  But  you  wouldn't  have  him  pay  over  a 
million  to  that  damned  brute  of  a  Count !  " 

He  grinned.  "  You've  changed  your  song,  my 
friend.  A  few  weeks  ago  you  were  saying  he  ought 
to  pay  it,  that  it  would  serve  him  right,  and  — " 

"Did  I  say  that?" 

"  You  did.     You  even  said  it  to  the  Countess." 

"  But  not  with  the  view  to  making  it  possible  for  her 
to  hurry  off  and  marry  again.  Please  understand 
that,  Fred." 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     215 

"  He  ought  to  pay  what  he  owes.  He  gave  a  million 
to  get  one  husband  for  her.  He  ought  to  give  a  mil 
lion  to  be  rid  of  him,  so  that  she  could  marry  the  next 
one  without  putting  him  to  any  expense  whatsoever. 
It's  only  fair  to  her,  I  say.  And  now  I'll  tell  you 
something  else:  the  Countess,  who  has  stood  out  stub 
bornly  against  the  payment  of  this  money,  is  now  half 
way  inclined  to  advise  the  old  gentleman  to  settle  with 
Tarnowsy." 

"  She  is  ?  "  I  cried  in  astonishment.  "  How  do  you 
know?" 

"  I  told  her  I  thought  it  was  the  cheapest  and  quick 
est  way  out  of  it,  and  she  said :  '  I  wonder ! ' : 

"  Have  you  been  discussing  her  most  sacred  affairs 
with  her,  you  blithering — " 

"  No,  sir,"  said  he,  with  dignity.  "  She  has  been 
discussing  them  with  me" 

I  have  no  recollection  of  what  I  said  as  I  stalked  out 
of  the  room.  He  called  out  after  me,  somewhat  plead 
ingly,  I  thought: 

"  Ask  Britton  what  he  has  to  say  about  it." 

Things  had  come  to  a  pretty  pass  !  Couldn't  a  gentle 
man  be  polite  and  agreeable  to  a  young  and  charming 
lady  whom  circumstances  had  thrown  in  his  way  without 
having  his  motives  misconstrued  by  a  lot  of  snooping, 
idiotic  menials  whose  only  zest  in  life  sprung  from  a 
temperamental  tendency  to  belittle  the  big  things  and 
enlarge  upon  the  small  ones  ?  What  rot !  What  utter 
rot!  Ask  Britton!  The  more  I  thought  of  Poopen- 
dyke's  injunction  the  more  furious  I  grew.  What  in 
sufferable  insolence !  Ask  Britton !  The  idea !  Ask 
my  valet!  Ask  him  what?  Ask  him  politely  if  he 
could  oblige  me  by  telling  me  whether  I  was  in  love? 
I  suppose  that  is  what  Poopendyke  meant. 


216  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

It  was  the  silliest  idea  in  the  world.  In  the  first 
place  I  was  not  in  love,  and  in  the  second  place  whose 
business  was  it  but  mine  if  I  were?  Certainly  not 
Poopendyke's,  certainly  not  Britton's,  certainly  not 
the  Schmicks' !  Absolute  lack  of  any  sense  of  propor 
tion,  that's  what  ailed  the  whole  bally  of  them.  What 
looked  like  love  to  them  —  benighted  dolts  !  —  was  no 
more  than  a  rather  resolute  effort  on  my  part  to  be 
kind  to  and  patient  with  a  person  who  had  invaded  my 
home  and  set  everybody  —  including  myself  —  by  the 
ears. 

But,  even  so,  what  right  had  my  secretary  to  con 
stitute  himself  adviser  and  mentor  to  the  charming 
invader?  What  right  had  he  to  suggest  what  she 
should  do,  or  what  her  father  should  do,  or  what  any 
body  should  do?  He  was  getting  to  be  disgustingly 
officious.  What  he  needed  was  a  smart  jacking  up,  a 
little  plain  talk  from  me.  Give  a  privileged  and  ad 
mittedly  faithful  secretary  an  inch  and  he'll  have  you 
up  to  your  ears  in  trouble  before  you  know  what  has 
happened.  By  the  same  token,  what  right  had  she  to 
engage  herself  in  confidential  chats  with —  But  just 
then  I  caught  sight  of  Britton  coming  upstairs  with 
my  neatly  polished  tan  shoes  in  one  hand  and  a  pair  of 
number  3^A  tan  pumps  in  the  other.  Not  expecting 
to  meet  me  in  the  hall,  he  had  neglected  to  remove  his 
cap  when  he  came  in  from  the  courtyard.  In  some 
confusion,  he  tried  to  take  it  off,  first  with  one  hand, 
then  with  the  other,  sustaining  what  one  might  desig 
nate  as  absent  treatment  kicks  on  either  jaw  from  two 
distinct  sexes  in  the  shape  of  shoes.  He  managed  to 
get  all  four  of  them  into  one  hand,  however,  and  then 
grabbed  off  his  cap. 

"  Any  think  more,  sir?  "  he  asked,  purely  from  habit. 


I  was  regarding  the  shoes  with  interest.  Never  have 
I  known  anything  so  ludicrous  as  the  contrast  between 
my  stupendous  number  tens  and  the  dainty  pumps  that 
seemed  almost  babyish  beside  them. 

Then  I  did  the  very  thing  I  had  excoriated  Poopen- 
dyke  for  even  suggesting.  I  asked  Britton! 

"  Britton,  what's  all  this  gossip  I  hear  going  the 
rounds  of  the  castle  behind  my  back?" 

Confound  him,  he  looked  pleased !  "  It's  quite  true, 
sir,  quite  true." 

"  Quite  true ! "  I  roared.  "  What's  quite  true, 
sir?" 

"  Isn't  it,  sir?  "  he  asked,  dismayed. 

"Isn't  what?" 

"  I  mean  to  say,  sir,  isn't  it  true  ?  " 

"  My  God !  "  I  cried,  throwing  up  my  hands  in  hope 
less  despair.  "  You  —  you  —  wait !  I'm  going  to 
get  to  the  bottom  of  this.  I  want  the  truth,  Britton. 
Who  put  it  into  that  confounded  head  of  yours  that 
I  am  —  er  —  in  love  with  the  Countess  ?  Speak ! 
Who  did  it?  " 

He  lowered  his  voice,  presumably  because  I  ha3 
dropped  mine  to  a  very  loud  whisper.  I  also  had 
glanced  over  both  shoulders. 

"  Begging  your  pardon,  sir,  but  I  must  be  honest, 
sir.  It  was  you  as  first  put  it  into  my  'ead,  sir." 

"  I?  "     My  face  went  the  colour  of  a  cardinal's  cap. 

"  You,  sir.     It's  as  plain  as  the  nose  on  your  — " 

"  That  will  do,  Britton,"  I  commanded.  He  re 
mained  discreetly  silent.  "  That  will  do,  I  say,"  I 
repeated,  somewhat  testily.  "  Do  you  hear,  sir?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  he  responded.     "  That  will  do,  you  says." 

"  Ahem !  I  —  ahem !  "  Somewhat  clumsily  I  put 
on  my  nose-glasses  and  made  a  pretext  of  examining 


218  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

his  burden  rather  closely.  "  What's  this  you  have 
here." 

"  Shoes,  sir." 

"  I  see,  I  see.     Let  me  have  them." 

He  handed  me  my  own.  "  The  others,  if  you 
please,"  I  said,  disdaining  the  number  tens.  "  May 
I  inquire,  sir,  where  you  are  taking  these?  "  I  had 
the  Countess's  pumps  in  my  hands.  He  explained  that 
he  was  going  to  drop  mine  in  my  room  and  then  take 
hers  upstairs.  "  You  may  drop  mine  as  you  intended. 
I  shall  take  care  of  these." 

"  Very  good,  sir,"  said  he,  with  such  positive  relief 
in  his  voice  that  I  glared  at  him.  He  left  me  standing 
there,  a  small  pump  in  each  hand. 

Five  minutes  later  I  was  at  her  door,  a  pump  in 
each  hand  and  my  heart  in  my  mouth.  A  sudden,  in 
explicable  form  of  panic  took  possession  of  me.  I 
stood  there  ready  to  tap  resoundingly  on  the  panel  of 
the  door  with  the  heel  of  a  slipper;  I  never  raised  my 
hand  for  the  purpose. 

Instead  of  carrying  out  my  original  design,  I  de 
veloped  an  overpowering  desire  to  do  nothing  of  the 
sort.  Why  go  on  making  a  fool  of  myself?  Why  add 
fuel  to  the  already  pernicious  flame?  Of  course  I  was 
not  in  love  with  her,  the  idea  was  preposterous.  But, 
just  the  same,  the  confounded  servants  were  beginning 
to  gossip,  and  back  stair  scandal  is  the  very  worst 
type.  It  was  wrong  for  me  to  encourage  it.  Like  a 
ninny,  I  had  just  given  Britton  something  to  support 
his  contention,  and  he  wouldn't  be  long  in  getting  down 
to  the  servants'  hall  with  the  latest  exhibit  in  the  charge 
against  me. 

Moreover,  if  every  one  was  talking  about  it,  what 
was  to  prevent  the  silly  gossip  from  reaching  the  sen- 


J 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     219 

sitive  ears  of  the  Countess?  A  sickening  thought 
struck  me:  could  it  be  possible  that  the  Countess  her 
self  suspected  me  of  being  in  love  with  her?  A  wom 
an's  vanity  goes  a  long  way  sometimes.  The  thought 
did  not  lessen  the  panic  that  afflicted  me.  I  tip-toed 
away  from  the  door  to  a  less  exposed  spot  at  the  bend 
in  the  stairway. 

There,  after  some  deliberation,  I  came  to  a  decision. 
The  proper  thing  for  me  to  do  was  to  show  all  of  them 
that  their  ridiculous  suspicions  were  wrong.  I  owed 
it  to  the  Countess,  to  say  the  least.  She  was  my  guest, 
as  it  were,  and  it  was  my  duty  to  protect  her  while  she 
was  in  my  house.  The  only  thing  for  me  to  do,  there 
fore,  was  to  stay  away  from  her. 

The  thought  of  it  distressed  me,  but  it  seemed  to  be 
the  only  way,  and  the  fair  one.  No  doubt  she  would 
expect  some  sort  of  an  explanation  for  the  sudden  in 
difference  on  my  part,  but  I  could  attribute  everything 
to  an  overpowering  desire  to  work  on  my  story.  (I 
have  a  habit  of  using  my  work  as  an  excuse  for  not 
doing  a  great  many  things  that  I  ought  to  do.) 

All  this  time  I  was  regarding  the  small  tan  pumps 
with  something  akin  to  pain  in  my  eyes.  I  could  not 
help  thinking  about  the  tiny  feet  they  sometimes  cov 
ered.  By  some  sort  of  intuitive  computation  I  ar 
rived  at  the  conclusion  that  they  were  adorably  small, 
and  pink,  and  warm.  Suddenly  it  occurred  to  me  that 
my  present  conduct  was  reprehensible,  that  no  man  of 
honour  would  be  holding  a  lady's  pumps  in  his  hands 
and  allowing  his  imagination  to  go  too  far.  Reso 
lutely  I  put  them  behind  my  back  and  marched  down 
stairs. 

"  Britton,"  said  I,  a  few  minutes  later,  "  you  may 
take  these  up  to  the  Countess,  after  all." 


220  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

He  blinked  his  eyes.     "  Wasn't  she  at  'ome,  sir?  " 

"  Don't  be  insolent,  Britton.     Do  as  I  tell  you." 

"  Very  good,  sir."  He  held  the  pumps  up  to  ad 
mire  them.  "  They're  very  cute,  ain't  they,  sir  ?  " 

"  They  are  just  like  all  pumps,"  said  I,  indiffer 
ently,  and  walked  away.  If  I  could  have  been  quile 
sure  that  it  was  a  chuckle  I  heard,  I  should  have  given 
Britton  something  to  think  about  for  the  rest  of  his 
days.  The  impertinent  rascal ! 

For  some  two  long  and  extremely  monotonous  days 
I  toiled.  A  chapter  shaped  itself  —  after  a  fashion. 
Even  as  I  wrote,  I  knew  that  it  wasn't  satisfactory  and 
that  I  should  tear  it  up  the  instant  it  was  finished. 
What  irritated  me  more  than  anything  else  was  the 
certain  conviction  that  Poopendyke,  who  typed  it  as  I 
progressed,  also  knew  that  it  would  go  into  the  waste 
paper  basket. 

Both  nights  I  went  to  bed  early  and  to  sleep  late. 
I  could  not  deny  to  myself  that  I  was  missing  those 
pleasant  hours  with  the  Countess.  I  did  miss  them. 
I  missed  Rosemary  and  Jinko  and  Helen  Marie  Louise 
Antoinette  and  Blake. 

An  atmosphere  of  gloom  settled  around  Poopendyke 
and  Britton.  They  eyed  me  with  a  sort  of  pathetic 
wonder  in  their  faces.  As  time  went  on  they  began  to 
look  positively  forlorn  and  unhappy.  Once  or  twice  I 
caught  them  whispering  in  the  hallway.  On  seeing  me 
they  assumed  an  air  of  nonchalance  that  brought  a 
grim  smile  to  my  lips.  I  was  beginning  to  hate  them. 
Toward  the  end  of  the  second  day,  the  four  Schmicks 
became  so  aggravatingly  doleful  that  I  ordered  them, 
one  and  all,  to  keep  out  of  my  sight.  Even  the  emo 
tionless  JHawkes  and  the  perfect  Blatchford  were  in 
fected.  I  don't  believe  I've  ever  seen  a  human  face  as 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     221 

solemnly  respectful  as  Hawkes'  was  that  night  at  din 
ner.  He  seemed  to  be  pitying  me  from  the  bottom  of 
his  heart.  It  was  getting  on  my  nerves. 

I  took  a  stroll  in  the  courtyard  after  dinner,  and 
I  may  be  forgiven  I  hope  for  the  few  surreptitious 
glances  I  sent  upwards  in  the  direction  of  the  rear 
windows  in  the  eastern  wing.  I  wondered  what  she 
was  doing,  and  what  she  was  thinking  of  my  extraordi 
nary  behaviour,  and  why  the  deuce  she  hadn't  sent 
down  to  ask  me  to  come  up  and  tell  her  how  busy  I 
was.  She  had  not  made  a  single  sign.  The  omission 
was  not  particularly  gratifying,  to  say  the  least. 

Approaching  the  servants'  hall,  I  loitered.  I  heard, 
voices,  a  mixture  of  tongues.  Britton  appeared  to  be 
doing  the  most  of  the  talking.  Gradually  I  became 
aware  of  the  fact  that  he  was  explaining  to  the  four 
Schmicks  the  meaning  of  an  expression  in  which  must 
have  been  incorporated  the  words  "  turned  him  down."1 

Hawkes,  the  impeccable  Hawkes,  joined  in.  "  If  I 
know  anything  about  it,  I'd  say  she  has  threw  the  'ooks 
into  'im." 

Then  they  had  to  explain  that  to  Conrad  and  Gretel, 
who  repeated  "  Ach,  Gott  "  and  other  simple  expletives 
in  such  a  state  of  misery  that  I  could  almost  detect 
tears  in  their  voices. 

"It  ain't  that,  Mr.  'Awkes,"  protested  Britton 
loyally.  "  He's  lost  his  nerve,  that's  wot  it  is.  They 
allus  do  when  they  realise  'ow  bad  they're  hit.  Turn 
'im  down?  Not  much,  Mr.  'Awkes.  Take  it  from  me, 
Mr.  'Awkes,  he's  not  going  to  give  'er  the  chawnce  to 
turn  'im  down." 

"  Ach,  Gott !  "  said  Gretel.  I  will  stake  my  head  that 
she  wrung  her  hands. 

"  Women  is  funny,"  said  Hawkes.      (I  had  no  idea 


222  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

the  wretch  was  so  ungrammatical. )  "  You  can't  put 
your  finger  on  'em  ever.  While  I  'aven't  seen  much  of 
the  Countess  during  my  present  engagement,  I  will  say 
this:  she  has  a  lot  more  sense  than  people  give  'er 
credit  for.  Now  why  should  she  throw  the  'ooks  into  a 
fine,  upstanding  chap  like  'im,  even  if  he  is  an  American? 
She  made  a  rotten  bad  job  the  first  time,  mind  you.  If 
she  has  threw  the  'ooks  into  'im,  as  I  am  afeared,  I 
can't  see  wot  the  deuce  ails  'er." 

My  perfect  footman,  Blatchford,  ventured  an 
opinion,  and  I  blessed  him  for  it.  "  We  may  be  off  our 
nuts  on  the  'ole  bloomink  business,"  said  he.  "  Maybe 
he  'as  thrown  the  'ooks  into  'er.  Who  knows?  It 
looks  that  w'y  to  me."  (I  remember  distinctly  that  he 
used  the  word  "  thrown  "  and  I  was  of  half  a  mind  to 
rush  in  and  put  him  over  Hawkes,  there  and  then. ) 

"  In  any  case,"  said  Britton,  gloom  in  his  voice,  "  it's 
a  most  unhappy  state  of  affairs.  He's  getting  to  be  a 
perfect  crank.  Complines  about  everything  I  do.  He 
won't  'ave  'is  trousers  pressed  and  he  'asn't  been  shaved 
since  Monday." 

I  stole  away,  rage  in  my  soul.  Or  was  it  morti 
fication?  In  any  event,  I  had  come  to  an  irrevocable 
decision:  I  would  ship  the  whole  lot  of  them,  without 
notice,  before  another  day  was  gone. 

The  more  I  thought  of  the  way  I  was  being  treated 
by  my  own  servants,  and  the  longer  I  dwelt  upon  the 
ignominious  figure  I  must  have  presented  as  the  hero  of 
their  back-door  romance,  the  angrier  I  got.  I  was  an 
object  of  concern  to  them,  an  object  of  pity!  Con 
found  them,  they  were  feeling  sorry  for  me  because  I 
had  received  my  conge,  and  they  were  actually  finding 
fault  with  me  for  not  taking  it  with  a  grin  on  my  face ! 

Before  going  to  bed  I  went  into  the  loggia  (for  tKe 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     223 

first  time  in  three  days)  and,  keeping  myself  pretty 
well  hidden  behind  a  projection  in  the  wall,  tried  to  get 
a  glimpse  of  the  Countess's  windows.  Failing  there,  I 
turned  my  steps  in  another  direction  and  soon  stood 
upon  my  little  balcony.  There  was  no  sign  of  her  in 
the  windows,  although  a  faint  light  glowed  against  the 
curtains  of  a  well-remembered  room  near  the  top  of  the 
tower. 

Ah,  what  a  cosy,  jolly  room!  What  a  delicious 
dinner  I  had  had  there !  And  what  a  supper !  Some 
how,  I  found  myself  thinking  of  those  little  tan  pumps. 
As  a  matter  of  fact,  they  had  been  a  source  of  annoy 
ance  to  me  for  more  than  forty-eight  hours.  I  had 
found  myself  thinking  of  them  at  most  inopportune 
times,  greatly  to  the  detriment  of  my  work  as  a  realist. 

It  was  cool  on  the  balcony,  and  I  was  abnormally 
warm,  as  might  be  expected.  It  occurred  to  me  that  I 
might  do  worse  than  to  sit  out  there  in  the  cool  of  the 
evening  and  enjoy  a  cigar  or  two  —  three  or  four,  if 
necessary. 

But,  though  I  sat  there  until  nearly  midnight  and 
chattered  my  teeth  almost  out  of  my  head  with  the  cold, 
she  did  not  appear  at  her  window.  The  aggravating 
part  of  it  was  that  while  I  was  shivering  out  there  in 
the  beastly  raw,  miasmic  air,  she  doubtless  was  lying 
on  a  luxurious  couch  before  a  warm  fire  in  a  dressing 
gown  and  slippers, —  ah,  slippers !  —  reading  a  novel 
and  thinking  of  nothing  in  the  world  but  her  own  com 
fort!  And  those  rascally  beggars  presumed  to  think 
that  I  was  in  love  with  a  selfish,  self-centred,  spoiled 
creature  like  that !  Rubbish ! 

I  am  afraid  that  Poopendyke  found  me  in  a  particu 
larly  irascible  frame  of  mind  the  next  morning.  I  know 
that  Britton  did.  I  thought  better  of  my  determi- 


224 

nation  to  discharge  Britton.  He  was  an  exceptionally 
good  servant  and  a  loyal  fellow,  so  why  should  I  de 
prive  myself  of  a  treasure  simply  because  the  eastern 
wing  of  my  abode  was  inhabited  by  an  unfeeling  crea 
ture  who  hadn't  a  thought  beyond  fine  feathers  and  bon 
bons?  I  was  not  so  charitably  inclined  toward  Hawkes 
and  Blatchford,  who  were  in  my  service  through  an  in 
fluence  over  which  I  did  not  appear  to  have  any  control. 
They  would  have  to  go. 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  said  I,  after  Blatchford  had  left 
the  breakfast  room,  "  I  want  you  to  give  notice  f o 
Hawkes  and  Blatchford  to-day." 

"  Notice?  "  he  exclaimed  incredulously. 

"  Notice,"  said  I,  very  distinctly. 

He  looked  distressed.  "  I  thought  they  were  most 
satisfactory  to  you." 

"  I've  changed  my  opinion." 

"  By  Jove,  Mr.  Smart,  I  —  I  don't  know  how  the 
Countess  will  take  such  high-handed  —  ahem !  You  see, 
sir,  she  —  she  was  good  enough  to  recommend  them  to 
me.  It  will  be  quite  a  shock  to  — " 

"  By  the  Lord  Harry,  Fred,  am  I  to  — " 

"  Don't  misunderstand  me,"  he  made  haste  to  say. 
"  This  is  your  house.  You  have  a  perfect  right  to  hire 
and  discharge,  but  —  but  —  Don't  you  think  you'd 
better  consider  very  carefully  — "  He  seemed  to  be 
finding  his  collar  rather  tight. 

I  held  up  my  hand.  "  Of  course  I  do  not  care  to 
offend  the  Countess  Tarnowsy.  It  was  very  kind  of 
her  to  recommend  them.  We  —  we  will  let  the  matter 
rest  for  a  few  days." 

"  She  has  informed  me  that  you  were  especially 
pleased  with  the  manner  in  which  they  served  the  dinner 
the  other  night.  I  think  she  said  you  regarded  them  as 


I  AM  INFORMED  THAT  I  AM  IN  LOVE     225 

incomparable  diadems,  or  something  of  the  sort.  It 
may  have  been  the  champagne." 

My  thoughts  leaped  backward  to  that  wonderful 
dinner.  "  It  wasn't  the  champagne,"  said  I,  very 
stiffly. 

"  Do  you  also  contemplate  giving  notice  to  the  chef 
and  his  wife,  our  only  chambermaid?  " 

"  No,  I  don't,"  I  snapped.  "  I  think  they  were  in 
bed." 

He  looked  at  me  as  if  he  thought  I  had  gone  crazy. 
I  wriggled  uncomfortably  in  my  chair  for  a  second  or 
two,  and  then  abruptly  announced  that  we'd  better  get 
to  work.  I  have  never  ceased  to  wonder  what  con 
struction  he  could  have  put  on  that  stupid  slip  of  the 
tongue. 

I  cannot  explain  why,  but  at  the  slightest  unusual 
sound  that  morning  I  found  myself  shooting  an  invol 
untary  glance  at  the  imperturbable  features  of  Ludwig 
the  Red.  Sometimes  I  stopped  in  the  middle  of  a  sen 
tence,  to  look  and  to  listen  rather  more  intently  than 
seemed  absolutely  necessary,  and  on  each  occasion  I  was 
obliged  to  begin  the  sentence  all  over  again,  because, 
for  the  life  of  me,  I  couldn't  remember  what  it  was  I 
had  set  out  to  say  in  dictation.  Poopendyke  had  an 
air  of  patient  tolerance  about  him  that  irritated  me  in 
tensely.  More  than  once  I  thought  I  detected  him  in 
the  act  of  suppressing  a  smile. 

At  eleven  o'clock,  Blatchford  came  to  the  door.  His 
ordinarily  stoical  features  bore  signs  of  a  great,  though 
subdued  excitement.  I  had  a  fleeting  glimpse  of 
Britton  in  the  distance, —  a  sort  of  passing  shadow,  as 
it  were. 

"  A  note  for  you,  sir,  if  you  please,"  said  he.  He 
was  holding  the  salver  almost  on  a  level  with  his  nose. 


226  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

It  seemed  to  me  that  he  was  looking  at  it  out  of  the 
corner  of  his  eye. 

My  heart  —  my  incomprehensible  heart  —  gave  a 
leap  that  sent  the  blood  rushing  to  my  face.  He  adj 
vanced,  not  with  his  usual  imposing  tread  but  with  a 
sprightliness  that  pleased  me  vastly.  I  took  the  little 
pearl  grey  envelope  from  the  salver,  and  carelessly 
glanced  at  the  superscription.  There  was  a  curious 
ringing  in  my  ears. 

"  Thank  you,  Blatchf ord ;  that  will  do." 

"  I  beg  pardon,  sir,  but  there  is  to  be  an  answer." 

"  Oh,"  said  I.  I  had  the  feeling  that  at  least  fifty 
eyes  were  upon  me,  although  I  am  bound  to  admit  that 
both  Poopendyke  and  the  footman  were  actively  en 
gaged  in  looking  in  another  direction. 

I  tore  open  the  envelope. 

"  Have  you  deserted  me  entirely?  Won't  you  please 
come  and  see  me?  Thanks  for  the  violets,  but  I  can't 
talk  to  violets,  you  know.  Please  come  up  for  lunch 
eon.'' 

I  managed  to  dash  off  a  brief  note  in  a  fairly  non 
chalant  manner.  Blatchford  almost  committed  the  un 
pardonable  crime  of  slamming  the  door  behind  him,  he 
was  in  such  a  hurry  to  be  off  with  the  message. 

Then  I  went  over  and  stood  above  Mr.  Poopendyke. 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  said  I  slowly,  darkly,  "  what  do 
you  know  about  those  violets?" 

He  quailed.  "  I  hope  you  don't  mind,  Mr.  Smart. 
It's  all  right.  I  put  one  of  your  cards  in,  so  that  there 
couldn't  be  any  mistake." 


CHAPTER     XIII 

I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED 

HALFWAY  up  the  winding  stairways,  I  paused  in  some 
astonishment.  It  had  just  occurred  to  me  that  I  was 
going  up  the  steps  two  at  a  time  and  that  my  heart  was 
beating  like  mad. 

I  reflected.  Here  was  I  racing  along  like  a  school 
boy,  and  wherefor?  What  occasion  was  there  for  such 
unseemly  haste?  In  the  first  place,  it  was  now  but  a 
few  minutes  after  eleven,  and  she  had  asked  me  for 
luncheon;  there  was  no  getting  around  that.  At  best 
luncheon  was  two  hours  off.  So  why  was  I  galloping 
like  this?  The  series  of  self-inflicted  questions  found 
me  utterly  unprepared ;  I  couldn't  answer  one  of  them. 
My  brain  somehow  couldn't  get  at  them  intelligently; 
I  was  befuddled.  I  progressed  more  slowly,  more  de 
liberately,  finally  coming  to  a  full  stop  in  a  sitting 
posture  in  one  of  the  window  casements,  where  I  lighted 
a  cigarette  and  proceeded  to  thresh  the  thing  out  in 
my  mind  before  going  any  farther. 

The  fundamental  problem  was  this :  why  was  I  break 
ing  my  neck  to  get  to  her  before  Blatchford  had  time 
to  deliver  my  response  to  her  appealing  little  note? 
It  was  something  of  a  facer,  and  it  set  me  to  wondering. 
Why  was  I  so  eager?  Could  it  be  possible  that  there 
was  anything  in  the  speculation  of  my  servants?  I  re 
called  the  sensation  of  supreme  delight  that  shot 
through  me  when  I  received  her  note,  but  after  that  a 
queer  sort  of  oblivion  seems  to  have  surrounded  me, 

from  which  I  was  but  now  emerging  in  a  timelv  struggle 

227 


228  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

for  self-control.     There  was  something  really  startling 
about  it,  after  all. 

I  profess  to  be  a  steady,  level-headed,  prosaic  sort 
of  person,  and  this  surprising  reversion  to  extreme 
youthfulness  rather  staggered  me.  In  fact  it  brought 
a  cold  chill  of  suspicion  into  existence.  Grown-up 
men  do  not,  as  a  rule,  fly  off  the  head  unless  confronted 
by  some  prodigious  emotion,  such  as  terror,  grief  or 
guilt.  And  yet  here  was  I  going  into  a  perfect  ram 
page  of  rapture  over  a  simple,  unconventional  com 
munication  from  a  lady  whom  I  had  known  for  less  than 
a  month  and  for  whom  I  had  no  real  feeling  of  sym 
pathy  whatever.  The  chill  of  suspicion  continued  to 
increase. 

If  it  had  been  a  cigar  that  I  was  smoking  it  would 
have  gone  out  through  neglect.  A  cigarette  goes  on 
forever  and  smells. 

After  ten  minutes  of  serious,  undisturbed  consider 
ation  of  the  matter,  I  came  to  the  final  conclusion  that 
it  was  not  love  but  pity  that  had  driven  me  to  such  ab 
normal  activity.  It  was  nonsense  to  even  argue  the 
point. 

Having  thoroughly  settled  the  matter  to  my  own, 
satisfaction  and  relief,  I  acknowledged  a  feeling  of 
shame  for  having  been  so  precipitous.  I  shudder  to 
think  of  the  look  she  would  have  given  me  if  I  had  burst 
in  upon  her  while  in  the  throes  of  that  extraordinary 
seizure.  Obviously  I  had  lost  my  wits.  Now  I  had 
them  once  more,  I  knew  what  to  do  with  them.  First 
of  all,  I  would  wait  until  one  o'clock  before  presenting 
myself  for  luncheon.  Clearly  that  was  the  thing  to  do. 
Secondly,  I  would  wait  on  this  side  of  the  castle  instead 
of  returning  to  my  own  rooms,  thereby  avoiding  a  very 
unpleasant  gauntlet.  Luckily  I  had  profited  by  the 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  229 

discussion  in  the  servants'  quarters  and  was  not  wearing 
a  three  days'  growth  of  beard.  Moreover,  I  had  taken 
considerable  pains  in  dressing  that  morning.  Evi 
dently  a  presentiment. 

For  an  hour  and  a  half  by  my  watch,  but  five  or  six 
by  my  nerves,  I  paced  the  lonely,  sequestered  halls  in 
the  lower  regions  of  the  castle.  Two  or  three  times  I 
was  sure  that  my  watch  had  stopped,  the  hands  seemed 
so  stationary.  The  third  time  I  tried  to  wind  it,  I 
broke  the  mainspring,  but  as  it  was  nearly  one  o'clock 
not  much  harm  was  done. 

That  one  little  sentence,  "  Have  you  deserted  me?  " 
grew  to  be  a  voluminous  indictment.  I  could  think  of 
nothing  else.  There  was  something  ineffably  sad  and 
pathetic  about  it.  Had  she  been  unhappy  because  of 
my  beastly  behaviour?  Was  her  poor  little  heart  sore 
over  my  incomprehensible  conduct?  Perhaps  she  had 
cried  through  sheer  loneliness  —  But  no !  It  would 
never  do  for  me  to  even  think  of  her  in  tears.  I  re 
membered  having  detected  tears  in  her  lovely  eyes  early 
in  our  acquaintance  and  the  sight  of  them  —  or  the 
sensation,  if  you  please  —  quite  unmanned  me. 

At  last  I  approached  her  door.  Upon  my  soul,  my 
legs  were  trembling !  I  experienced  a  silly  sensation  of 
fear.  A  new  problem  confronted  me:  what  was  I  to 
say  to  her?  Following  close  upon  this  came  another 
and  even  graver  question:  what  would  she  say  to  me? 
Suppose  she  were  to  look  at  me  with  hurt,  reproachful 
eyes  and  speak  to  me  with  a  little  quaver  in  her  voice 
as  she  held  out  her  hand  to  me  timidly  —  what  then? 
What  would  become  of  me?  By  Jove,  the  answer  that 
flashed  through  my  whole  body  almost  deprived  me  of 
reason ! 

I  hesitated,  then,  plucking  up  my  courage  and  put- 


230  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

ting  all  silly  questions  behind  me,  I  rapped  resoundingly 
on  the  door. 

The  excellent  Hawkes  opened  it !  I  started  back  in 
dismay.  He  stood  aside  impressively. 

"  Mr.  Smart !  "  he  announced.     Damn  it  all ! 

I  caught  sight  of  the  Countess.  She  was  arranging 
some  flowers  on  the  table.  Blatchford  was  placing  the 
knives  and  forks.  Helen  Marie  Louise  Antoinette 
stood  beside  her  mistress  holding  a  box  of  flowers  in  her 
hands. 

What  was  it  that  I  had  been  thinking  out  there  in 
those  gloomy  halls?  That  she  would  greet  me  with  a 
pathetic,  hurt  look  and  .  .  . 

"Good  morning!"  she  cried  gaily.  Hurt?  Pa 
thetic?  She  was  radiant !  "  So  glad  to  see  you  again. 
Hawkes  has  told  me  how  busy  you've  been."  She  dried 
her  hands  on  the  abbreviated  apron  of  Helen  Marie 
Louise  Antoinette  and  then  quite  composedly  extended 
one  for  me  to  shake. 

I  bowed  low  over  it.  "  Awfully,  awfully  busy,"  I 
murmured.  Was  it  relief  at  finding  her  so  happy  and 
unconcerned  that  swept  through  me?  I  am  morally, 
but  shamelessly  certain  it  wasn't! 

"  Don't  you  think  the  roses  are  lovely  in  that  old 
silver  bowl  ?  " 

"  Exquisite." 

"  Blatchford  found  it  in  the  plate  vault,"  she  said, 
standing  off  to  admire  the  effect.  "  Do  you  mind  if 
I  go  on  arranging  them  ? "  she  asked,  and  without 
waiting  for  an  answer  resumed  her  employment. 

"  Bon  jour,  m'sieur,"  said  Helen  Marie  Louise  An 
toinette  over  her  mistress's  shoulder.  One  never  knows 
whether  a  French  maid  is  polite  or  merely  spiteful. 

"  It  seems  ages  since  I  saw  you  last,"  said  the  Count- 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  231 

ess  in  a  matter-of-fact  tone,  jiggling  a  rose  into  posi 
tion  and  then  standing  off  to  study  the  effect,  her  head 
cocked  prettily  at  an  angle  of  inquiry. 

It  suddenly  occurred  to  me  that  she  had  got  on  very 
well  without  me  during  the  ages.  The  discovery  irri 
tated  me.  She  was  not  behaving  at  all  as  I  had  ex 
pected.  This  cool,  even  casual  reception  certainly  was 
not  in  keeping  with  my  idea  of  what  it  ought  to  have 
been.  "  But  Mr.  Poopendyke  has  been  awfully  kind. 
He  has  given  me  all  the  news." 

Poopendyke!  Had  he  been  visiting  her  without  my 
knowledge  or  —  was  I  about  to  say  consent? 

"  There  hasn't  been  a  great  deal  of  news,"  I  said. 

She  dropped  a  long-stemmed  rose  and  waited  for  me 
to  pick  it  up. 

"  Thank  you,"  she  said.     "  Oh,  did  it  prick  you?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  I  flatly.  Then  we  both  gave  the  closest 
attention  to  the  end  of  my  thumb  while  I  triumphantly 
squeezed  a  tiny  drop  of  blood  out  of  it.  I  sucked  it. 
The  incident  was  closed.  She  was  no  longer  interested 
in  the  laceration. 

"  Mr.  Poopendyke  knew  how  lonely  I  would  be.  He 
telephoned  twice  a  day." 

I  thought  I  detected  a  slight  note  of  pique  in  her 
voice.  But  it  was  so  slight  that  it  was  hardly  worth 
while  to  exult. 

"  So  you  thought  I  had  deserted  you,"  I  said,  and 
was  a  little  surprised  at  the  gruffness  in  my  voice. 

"  The  violets  appeased  me,"  she  said,  with  a  smile. 
For  the  first  time  I  noticed  that  she  was  wearing  a  large 
bunch  of  them.  "  You  will  be  bankrupt,  Mr.  Smart,  if 
you  keep  on  buying  roses  and  violets  and  orchids  for 
me." 

So  the  roses  were  mine  also!     I  shot  a  swift  glance 


232  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

at  the  mantelpiece,  irresistibly  moved  by  some  mysteri 
ous  force.  There  were  two  bowls  of  orchids  there.  I 
couldn't  help  thinking  of  the  meddling,  over-zealous 
geni  that  served  the  hero  of  Anstey's  "  Brass  Bottle  " 
tale.  He  was  being  outdone  by  my  efficacious  secretary. 

"  But  they  are  lovely,"  she  cried,  noting  the  ex 
pression  in  my  face  and  misconstruing  it.  "  You  are 
an  angel." 

That  was  the  last  straw.  "  I  am  nothing  of  the 
sort,"  I  exclaimed,  very  hot  and  uncomfortable. 

"  You  are,"  was  her  retort.  "  There !  Isn't  it  a 
lovely  centre-piece?  Now,  you  must  come  and  see 
Rosemary.  She  adores  the  new  elephant  you  sent  to 
her." 

"  Ele  — "  I  began,  blinking  my  eyes.  "  Oh  —  oh, 
yes,  yes.  Ha,  ha !  the  elephant."  Good  Heavens,  had 
that  idiotic  Poopendyke  started  a  menagerie  in  my 
castle? 

I  was  vastly  relieved  to  find  that  the  elephant  was 
made  of  felt  and  not  too  large  to  keep  Rosemary  from 
wielding  it  skilfully  in  an  assault  upon  the  hapless 
Jinko.  She  had  it  firmly  gripped  by  the  proboscis, 
and  she  was  shrieking  with  delight.  Jinko  was  barking 
in  vain-glorious  defence.  The  racket  was  terrible. 

The  Countess  succeeded  in  quelling  the  disturbance, 
and  Rosemary  ran  up  to  kiss  me.  Jinko,  who  disliked 
me  because  I  looked  like  the  Count,  also  ran  up  but  his 
object  was  to  bite  me.  I  made  up  my  mind,  there  and 
then  that  if  I  should  ever,  by  any  chance,  fall  in  love 
with  his  mistress  I  would  inaugurate  the  courting 
period  by  slaying  Jinko. 

Rosemary  gleefully  permitted  me  to  sip  honey  from 
that  warm  little  spot  on  her  neck,  and  I  forgot  many 
odious  things.  As  I  held  her  in  my  arms  I  experienced 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  233 

a  vivid  longing  to  have  a  child  of  my  own,  just  like 
Rosemary. 

Our  luncheon  was  not  as  gay  nor  as  unconventional 
as  others  that  had  preceded  it.  The  Countess  vainly 
tried  to  make  it  as  sprightly  as  its  predecessors,  but 
gave  over  in  despair  in  the  face  of  my  taciturnity. 
Her  spirits  drooped.  She  became  strangely  uneasy 
and,  I  thought,  preoccupied. 

"What  is  on  your  mind,  Countess?"  I  asked  rather 
gruffly,  after  a  painful  silence  of  some  duration. 

She  regarded  me  fixedly  for  a  moment.  She  seemed 
to  be  searching  my  thoughts.  "  You,"  she  said  very 
succinctly.  "Why  are  you  so  quiet,  so  funereal?" 
I  observed  a  faint  tinge  of  red  in  her  cheeks  and  an 
ominous  steadiness  in  her  gaze.  Was  there  anger  also? 

I  apologised  for  my  manners,  and  assured  her  that 
my  work  was  responsible.  But  her  moodiness  in 
creased.  At  last,  apparently  at  the  end  of  her  re 
sources,  she  announced  that  she  was  tired:  that  after 
we  had  had  a  cigarette  she  would  ask  to  be  excused,  as 
she  wanted  to  lie  down.  Would  I  come  to  see  her  the 
next  day? 

"  But  don't  think  of  coming,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  de 
clared,  "  if  you  feel  you  cannot  spare  the  time  away 
from  your  work." 

I  began  to  feel  heartily  ashamed  of  my  boorishness. 
After  all,  why  should  I  expend  my  unpleasant  humour 
on  her? 

"  My  dear  Countess,"  I  exclaimed,  displaying  a 
livelier  interest  than  at  any  time  before,  "  I  shall  be 
delighted  to  come.  Permit  me  to  add  that  my  work 
may  go  hang." 

Her  face  brightened.  "  But  men  must  work,"  she 
objected. 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Not  when  women  are  willing  to  play,"  I  said. 

"  Splendid !  "  she  cried.  "  You  are  reviving.  I  feel 
better.  If  you  are  going  to  be  nice,  I'll  let  you  stay." 

"  Thanks.     I'll  do  my  best." 

She  seemed  to  be  weighing  something  in  her  mind. 
Her  chin  was  in  her  hands,  her  elbows  resting  on  the 
edge  of  the  table.  She  was  regarding  me  with  specu 
lative  eyes. 

"  If  you  don't  mind  what  the  servants  are  saying 
about  us,  Mr.  Smart,  I  am  quite  sure  I  do  not." 

I  caught  my  breath. 

"  Oh,  I  understand  everything,"  she  cried  mischiev 
ously,  before  I  could  stammer  anything  in  reply. 
"  They  are  building  a  delightful  romance  around  us. 
And  why  not?  Why  begrudge  them  the  pleasure? 
No  harm  can  come  of  it,  you  see." 

"  Certainly  no  harm,"  I  floundered. 

"  The  gossip  is  confined  to  the  castle.  It  will  not  go 
any  farther.  We  can  afford  to  laugh  in  our  sleeves, 
can't  we?  " 

"  Ha,  ha ! "  I  laughed  in  a  strained  effort,  but  not 
into  my  sleeve.  "I  rejoice  to  hear  you  say  that  you 
don't  mind.  No  more  do  I.  It's  rather  jolly." 

"Fancy  any  one  thinking  we  could  possibly  fall  in 
love  with  each  other,"  she  scoffed.  Her  eyes  were  very 
bright.  There  was  a  suggestion  of  cold  water  in  that 
remark. 

"Yes,  just  fancy,"  I  agreed. 

"Absurd!" 

"  But,  of  course,  as  you  say,  if  they  can  get  any 
pleasure  out  of  it,  why  should  we  object?  It's  a  diffi 
cult  matter  keeping  a  cook  any  way." 

"  Well,  we  are  bosom  friends  once  more,  are  we  not? 
I  am  so  relieved." 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  235 

"  I  suppose  Poopendyke  told  you  the  —  the  gossip  ?  " 

"  Oh,  no !  I  had  it  from  my  maid.  She  is  perfectly 
terrible.  All  French  maids  are,  Mr.  Smart.  Beware 
of  French  maids!  She  won't  have  it  any  other  way 
than  that  I  am  desperately  in  love  with  you.  Isn't  she 
delicious  ?  " 

"Eh?  "I  gasped. 

"  And  she  confides  the  wonderful  secret  to  every  one 
in  the  castle,  from  Rosemary  down  to  Jinko." 

"  Ton  my  soul !  "  I  murmured. 

"  And  so  now  they  all  are  saying  that  I  am  in  love 
with  you,"  she  laughed.  "  Isn't  it  perfectly  lu 
dicrous  ?  " 

"  Perfectly,"  I  said  without  enthusiasm.  My  heart 
sank  like  lead.  Ludicrous?  Was  that  the  way  it  ap 
peared  to  her  ?  I  had  a  little  spirit  left.  "  Quite  as 
ludicrous  as  the  fancy  Britton  has  about  me.  He  is 
obsessed  by  the  idea  that  I  am  in  love  with  you.  What 
do  you  think  of  that?  " 

She  started.  I  thought  her  eyes  narrowed  for  a 
second.  "  Ridiculous,"  she  said,  very  simply.  Then 
she  arose  abruptly.  "  Please  ring  the  bell  for 
Hawkes." 

I  did  so.  Hawkes  appeared.  "  Clear  the  table, 
Hawkes,"  she  said.  "  I  want  you  to  read  all  these 
newspaper  clippings,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  went  on,  pointing 
to  a  bundle  on  a  chair  near  the  window.  We  crossed 
the  room.  "  Now  that  you  know  who  I  am,  I  insist  on 
your  reading  all  that  the  papers  have  been  saying 
about  me  during  the  past  five  or  six  weeks." 

I  protested  but  she  was  firm.  "  Every  one  else 
in  the  world  has  been  reading  about  my  affairs,  so  you 
must  do  likewise.  No,  it  isn't  necessary  to  read  all  of 
them.  I  will  select  the  most  lurid  and  the  most  glowing. 


236  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

You  see  there  are  two  sides  to  the  case.  The  papers 
that  father  can  control  are  united  in  defending  my 
action;  the  European  press  is  just  the  other  way. 
Sit  down,  please.  I'll  hand  them  to  you." 

For  an  hour  I  sat  there  in  the  window  absorbing  the 
astonishing  history  of  the  Tarnowsy  abduction  case. 
I  felt  rather  than  observed  the  intense  scrutiny  with 
which  she  favoured  me. 

At  last  she  tossed  the  remainder  of  the  bundle  un 
read,  into  a  corner.  Her  face  was  aglow  with  pleasure. 

"  You've  read  both  sides,  and  I've  watched  you  — 
oh,  so  closely.  You  don't  believe  what  the  papers  over 
here  have  to  say.  I  saw  the  scowls  when  you  read  the 
translations  that  Mr.  Poopendyke  has  typed  for  me. 
Now  I  know  that  you  do  not  feel  so  bitterly  toward  me 
as  you  did  at  first." 

I  was  resolved  to  make  a  last  determined  stand  for 
my  original  convictions. 

"  But  our  own  papers,  the  New  York,  Boston,  Phil 
adelphia,  Chicago  j  ournals, —  still  voice,  in  a  way,  my 
principal  contention  in  the  matter,  Countess.  They 
deplore  the  wretched  custom  among  the  idle  but  am 
bitious  rich  that  made  possible  this  whole  lamentable 
state  of  affairs.  I  mean  the  custom  of  getting  a  title 
into  the  family  at  any  cost." 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  seriously,  "  do  you 
really  contend  that  all  of  the  conjugal  unhappiness  and 
unrest  of  the  world  is  confined  to  the  American  girls 
who  marry  noblemen?  Has  it  escaped  your  notice  that 
there  are  thousands  of  unhappy  marriages  and  equally 
happy  divorces  in  America  every  year  in  which  noble 
men  do  not  figure  at  all  ?  Have  you  not  read  of  count 
less  cases  over  there  in  which  conditions  are  quite 
similar  to  those  which  make  the  Tarnowsy  fiasco  so 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  237 

notorious?  Are  not  American  women  stealing  their 
children  from  American  husbands?  Are  all  American 
husbands  so  perfect  that  Count  Tarnowsy  would  ap 
pear  black  among  them?  Are  there  no  American  men 
who  marry  for  money,  and  are  there  no  American  girls 
given  in  marriage  to  wealthy  suitors  of  all  ages,  creeds 
and  habits?  Why  do  you  maintain  that  an  unfor 
tunate  alliance  with  a  foreign  nobleman  is  any  worse 
than  an  unhappy  marriage  with  an  ordinary  American 
brute?  Are  there  no  bad  husbands  in  America?  " 

"  All  husbands  are  bad,"  I  said,  "  but  some  are  more 
pre-eminently  evil  than  others.  I  am  not  finding  fault 
with  Tarnowsy  as  a  husband.  He  did  just  what  was 
expected  of  him.  He  did  what  he  set  out  to  do.  He 
isn't  to  be  blamed  for  living  up  to  his  creed.  There 
are  bad  husbands  in  America,  and  bad  wives.  But  they 
went  into  the  game  blindly,  most  of  them.  They  didn't 
find  out  their  mistake  until  after  the  marriage.  The 
same  statement  applies  to  husbands  and  wives  the 
world  over.  I  hold  a  brief  only  against  the  marriage 
wherein  the  contracting  parties,  their  families,  their 
friends,  their  enemies,  their  bankers  and  their  creditors 
know  beforehand  that  it's  a  business  proposition  and 
not  a  sacred  compact.  But  we've  gone  into  all  this 
before.  Why  rake  it  up  again." 

"  But  there  are  many  happy  marriages  between 
American  girls  and  foreign  noblemen  - —  dozens  of  them 
that  I  could  mention." 

"  I  grant  you  that.  I  know  of  a  few  myself.  But 
I  think  if  you  will  reflect  for  a  moment  you'll  find  that 
money  had  no  place  in  the  covenant.  They  married 
because  they  loved  one  another.  The  noblemen  in 
such  cases  are  real  noblemen,  and  their  American  wives 
are  real  wives.  There  are  no  Count  Tarnowsys  among 


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240  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

buy  off  the  Count  to-morrow  if  I  would  permit  him  to 
do  so.  Of  late  I  have  been  thinking  very  seriously  of 
suggesting  it  to  him.  It  would  be  the  simplest  way  out 
of  our  troubles,  wouldn't  it?  A  million  is  nothing  to 
my  father." 

"  Nothing  at  all,  I  submit,  in  view  of  the  fact  that  it 
may  be  the  means  of  saving  you  from  a  term  in  prison 
for  abducting  Rosemary?  " 

She  paled.  "  Do  you  really  think  they  would  put 
me  in  prison?  " 

"  Unquestionably,"  I  pronounced  emphatically. 

"  Oh,  dear !  "  she  murmured. 

"  But  they  can't  lock  you  up  until  they've  caught 
you,"  said  I  reassuringly.  "  And  I  will  see  to  it  that 
they  do  not  catch  you." 

"  I  —  I  am  depending  on  you  entirely,  Mr.  Smart," 
she  said  anxiously.  "  Some  day  I  may  be  in  a  position 
to  repay  you  for  all  the  kindness  — " 

"  Please,  please !  " 

" —  and  all  the  risk  you  are  taking  for  me,"  she  com 
pleted.  "  You  see,  you  haven't  the  excuse  any  longer 
that  you  don't  know  my  name  and  story.  You  are 
liable  to  be  arrested  yourself  for  — " 

There  came  a  sharp  rapping  on  the  door  at  this 
instant  —  a  rather  imperative,  sinister  rapping,  if  one 
were  to  judge  by  the  way  we  started  and  the  way  we 
looked  at  each  other.  We  laughed  nervously. 

"  Goodness !  You'd  thing  Sherlock  Holmes  himself 
was  at  the  door,"  she  cried.  "  See  who  it  is,  please." 

I  went  to  the  door.  Poopendyke  was  there.  He  was 
visibly  excited. 

"  Can  you  come  down  at  once,  Mr.  Smart?  "  he  said 
in  a  voice  not  meant  to  reach  the  ears  of  the  Countess. 

"  What's  up  ?  "  I  questioned  sharply. 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  241 

"  The  jig,  I'm  afraid,"  he  whispered  sententiously. 
Poopendyke,  being  a  stenographer,  never  wasted  words. 
He  would  have  made  a  fine  playwright. 

"  Good  Lord !     Detectives  ?  " 

"  No.     Count  Tarnowsy  and  a  stranger." 

"  Impossible !  " 

The  Countess,  alarmed  by  our  manner,  quickly 
crossed  the  room. 

"  What  is  it?  "  she  demanded. 

"The  Count  is  downstairs,"  I  said.  "Don't  be 
alarmed.  Nothing  can  happen.  You  — 

She  laughed.  "  Oh,  is  that  all  ?  My  dear  Mr. 
Smart,  he  has  come  to  see  you  about  the  frescoes." 

"  But  I  have  insulted  him !  " 

"  Not  permanently,"  she  said.  "  I  know  him  too 
weM.  He  is  like  a  leech.  He  has  given  you  time  to 
reflect  and  therefore  regret  your  action  of  the  other 
night.  Go  down  and  see  him." 

Poopendyke  volunteered  further  information. 
"  There  is  also  a  man  down  there  —  a  cheap  looking 
person  —  who  says  he  must  see  the  Countess  Tarnowsy 
at  once." 

"  A  middle-aged  man  with  the  upper  button  of  his 
waistcoat  off?  "  she  asked  sharply. 

"I  —  I  can't  say  as  to  the  button." 

"  I  am  expecting  one  of  my  lawyers.  It  must  be  he. 
He  was  to  have  a  button  off." 

"  I'll  look  him  over  again,"  said  Poopendyke. 

"  Do.  And  be  careful  not  to  let  the  Count  catch  a 
glimpse  of  him.  That  would  be  fatal." 

"  No  danger  of  that.  He  went  at  once  to  old  Con 
rad's  room." 

"  Good !  I  had  a  note  from  him  this  morning,  Mr. 
Smart.  He  is  Mr.  Bangs  of  London." 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  May  I  inquire,  Countess,  how  you  manage  to  have 
letters  delivered  to  you  here?  Isn't  it  extremely  dan 
gerous  to  have  them  go  through  the  mails  ?  " 

"  They  are  all  directed  to  the  Schmicks,"  she  ex 
plained.  "  They  are  passed  on  to  me.  Now  go  and 
see  the  Count.  Don't  lend  him  any  money." 

"  I  shall  probably  kick  him  over  the  cliff,"  I  said, 
with  a  scowl. 

She  laid  her  hand  upon  my  arm.  "  Be  careful,"  she 
said  very  earnestly,  "  for  my  sake." 

Poopendyke  had  already  started  down  the  stairs.  I 
raised  her  hand  to  my  lips.  Then  I  rushed  away,  curs 
ing  myself  for  a  fool,  an  ingrate,  a  presumptuous 
bounder. 

My  uncalled-for  act  had  brought  a  swift  flush  of 
anger  to  her  cheek.  I  saw  it  quite  plainly  as  she 
lowered  her  head  and  drew  back  into  the  shadow  of  the 
curtain.  Bounder!  That  is  what  I  was  for  taking 
advantage  of  her  simple  trust  in  me.  Strange  to  say, 
she  came  to  the  head  of  the  stairs  and  watched  me  until 
I  was  out  of  sight  in  the  hall  below. 

The  Count  was  waiting  for  me  in  the  loggia.  It  was 
quite  warm  and  he  fanned  himself  lazily  with  his  broad 
straw  hat.  As  I  approached,  he  tossed  his  cigarette 
over  the  wall  and  hastened  to  meet  me.  There  was  a 
quaint  diffident  smile  on  his  lips. 

"  It  is  good  to  see  you  again,  old  fellow,"  he  said, 
with  an  amiability  that  surprised  me.  "  I  was  afraid 
you  might  hold  a  grievance  against  me.  You  Ameri 
cans  are  queer  chaps,  you  know.  Our  little  tilt  of  the 
other  evening,  you  understand.  Stupid  way  for  two 
grown-up  men  to  behave,  wasn't  it?  Of  course,  the 
explanation  is  simple.  We  had  been  drinking.  Men 
do  silly  things  in  their  cups." 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  243 

Consummate  assurance!  I  had  not  touched  a  drop 
of  anything  that  night. 

"  I  assure  you,  Count  Tarnowsy,  the  little  tilt,  as 
you  are  pleased  to  call  it,  was  of  no  consequence.  I 
had  quite  forgotten  that  it  occurred.  Sorry  you  re 
minded  me  of  it." 

The  irony  was  wasted.  He  beamed.  "  My  dear 
fellow,  shall  we  not  shake  hands  ?  " 

There  was  something  irresistibly  winning  about  him, 
as  I've  said  before.  Something  boyish,  ingenuous, 
charming, —  what  you  will, —  that  went  far  toward 
accounting  for  many  things  that  you  who  have  never 
seen  him  may  consider  incomprehensible. 

A  certain  wariness  took  possession  of  me.  I  could 
well  afford  to  temporise.  We  shook  hands  with  what 
seemed  to  be  genuine  fervour. 

"  I  suppose  you  are  wondering  what  brings  me  here," 
he  said,  as  we  started  toward  the  entrance  to  the  loggia, 
his  arm  through  mine.  "  I  do  not  forget  a  promise, 
Mr.  Smart.  You  may  remember  that  I  agreed  to  fetch 
a  man  from  Munchen  to  look  over  your  fine  old  frescoes 
and  to  give  you  an  estimate.  Well,  he  is  here,  the  very 
best  man  in  Europe." 

"  I  am  sure  I  am  greatly  indebted  to  you,  Count," 
I  said,  "  but  after  thinking  it  over  I've  — " 

"  Don't  say  that  you  have  already  engaged  some  one 
to  do  the  work,"  he  cried,  in  horror.  "  My  dear  fellow, 
don't  tell  me  that!  You  are  certain  to  make  a  dread 
ful  mistake  if  you  listen  to  any  one  but  Schwartzmuller. 
He  is  the  last  word  in  restorations.  He  is  the  best  bet, 
as  you  would  say  in  New  York.  Any  one  else  will  make 
a  botch  of  the  work.  You  will  curse  the  day  you  — " 

I  checked  him.  "  I  have  virtually  decided  to  let  the 
whole  matter  go  over  until  next  spring.  However,  I 


244  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

shall  be  happy  to  have  Mr.  Schwartzmuller's  opinion. 
We  may  be  able  to  plan  ahead." 

A  look  of  disappointment  flitted  across  his  face. 
The  suggestion  of  hard  old  age  crept  into  his  features 
for  a  second  and  then  disappeared. 

"  Delays  are  dangerous,"  he  said.  "  My  judgment 
is  that  those  gorgeous  paintings  will  disintegrate  more 
during  the  coming  winter  than  in  all  the  years  gone  by. 
They  are  at  the  critical  stage.  If  not  preserved  now, 
—  well,  I  cannot  bear  to  think  of  the  consequences. 
Ah,  here  is  Herr  Schwartzmuller." 

Just  inside  the  door,  we  came  upon  a  pompous  yet 
servile  German  who  could  not  by  any  means  have  been 
mistaken  for  anything  but  the  last  word  in  restoration. 
I  have  never  seen  any  one  in  my  life  whose  appearance 
suggested  a  more  complete  state  of  rehabilitation. 
His  frock  coat  was  new,  it  had  the  unfailing  smell  of 
new  wool  freshly  dyed ;  his  shoes  were  painfully  new ; 
his  gloves  were  new ;  his  silk  hat  was  resplendently  new ; 
his  fat  jowl  was  shaved  to  a  luminous  pink;  his  gor 
geous  moustache  was  twisted  up  at  the  ends  to  such  a 
degree  that  when  he  smiled  the  points  wavered  in  front 
of  his  eyes,  causing  him  to  blink  with  astonishment. 
He  was  undeniably  dressed  up  for  the  occasion.  My 
critical  eye,  however,  discovered  a  pair  of  well-worn 
striped  trousers  badly  stained,  slightly  frayed  at  the 
bottom  and  inclined  to  bag  outward  at  the  knee.  Per 
haps  I  should  have  said  that  he  was  dressed  up  from  the 
knee. 

"  This  is  the  great  Herr  Schwartzmuller,  of  the  Im 
perial  galleries  in  Munchen,"  said  the  Count  introduc 
ing  us. 

The  stranger  bowed  very  profoundly  and  at  the 
same  time  extracted  a  business  card  from  the  tail  pocket 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  245 

of  his  coat.  This  he  delivered  to  me  with  a  smile  which 
seemed  to  invite  me  to  participate  in  a  great  and 
serious  secret:  the  secret  of  irreproachable  standing 
as  an  art  expert  and  connoisseur.  I  confess  to  a  mis 
taken  impression  concerning  him  up  to  the  moment  he 
handed  me  his  clumsy  business  card.  My  suspicions 
had  set  him  down  as  a  confederate  of  Count  Tarnowsy, 
a  spy,  a  secret  agent  or  whatever  you  choose  to  con 
sider  one  who  is  employed  in  furthering  a  secret  pur 
pose.  But  the  business  card  removed  my  doubts  and 
misgivings.  It  stamped  him  for  what  he  really  was: 
there  is  no  mistaking  a  German  who  hands  you  his 
business  card.  He  destroys  all  possible  chance  for 
discussion. 

In  three  languages  the  card  announced  that  he  was 
"  August  Schwartzmuller,  of  the  Imperial  galleries, 
Munchen,  Zumpe  &  Schwartzmuller,  proprietors.  Res 
torations  a  specialty."  There  was  much  more,  but  I 
did  not  have  time  to  read  all  of  it.  Moreover,  the  card 
was  a  trifle  soiled,  as  if  it  had  been  used  before.  There 
could  be  no  doubt  as  to  his  genuineness.  He  was  an 
art  expert. 

For  ten  minutes  I  allowed  them  to  expatiate  on  the 
perils  of  procrastination  in  the  treatment  of  rare  old 
canvases  and  pigments,  and  then,  having  formulated 
my  plans,  blandly  inquired  what  the  cost  would  be.  It 
appears  that  Herr  Schwartzmuller  had  examined  the 
frescoes  no  longer  than  six  months  before  in  the  in 
terests  of  a  New  York  gentleman  to  whom  Count  Hoh- 
endahl  had  tried  to  sell  them  for  a  lump  sum.  He 
was  unable  to  recall  the  gentleman's  name. 

"  I  should  say  not  more  than  one  hundred  and  fifty 
thousand  marks,  perhaps  less,"  said  the  expert,  rolling 
his  calculative  eye  upward  and  running  it  along  the 


246  A- FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

vast  dome  of  the  hall  as  if  to  figure  it  out  in  yards  and 
inches. 

The  Count  was  watching  me  with  an  eager  light  in 
his  eyes.  He  looked  away  as  I  shot  a  quick  glance  at 
his  face.  The  whole  matter  became  as  clear  as  day  to 
me.  He  was  to  receive  a  handsome  commission  if  the 
contract  was  awarded.  No  doubt  his  share  would  be 
at  least  half  of  the  amount  stipulated.  I  had  reason 
to  believe  that  the  work  could  be  performed  at  a  profit 
for  less  than  half  the  figure  mentioned  by  the  German. 

"  Nearly  forty  thousand  dollars,  in  other  words," 
said  I  reflectively. 

"  They  are  worth  ten  times  that  amount,  sir,"  said 
the  expert  gravely. 

I  smiled  skeptically.  The  Count  took  instant  alarm. 
He  realised  that  I  was  not  such  a  fool  as  I  looked, 
perhaps. 

"  Hohendahl  was  once  offered  two  hundred  and  fifty 
thousand  dollars,  Mr.  Smart,"  he  said. 

"  Why  didn't  he  accept  it?  "  I  asked  bluntly.  a  He 
sold  the  whole  place  to  me,  contents  included,  for  less 
than  half  that  amount." 

"  It  was  years  ago,  before  he  was  in  such  dire 
straits,"  he  explained  quickly. 

A  terrible  suspicion  entered  my  head.  I  felt  myself 
turn  cold.  If  the  frescoes  were  genuine  they  were 
worth  all  that  Schwartzmuller  declared ;  that  being  the 
case  why  should  Hohendahl  have  let  them  come  to  me 
for  practically  nothing  when  there  were  dozens  of 
collectors  who  would  have  paid  him  the  full  price?  I 
swallowed  hard,  but  managed  to  control  my  voice. 

"  As  a  matter  of  fact,  Count  Tarnowsy,"  I  said,  re 
sorting  to  unworthy  means,  "  I  have  every  reason  to 
believe  that  Hohendahl  sold  the  originals  sometime  ago, 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  247 

and  had  them  replaced  on  the  ceilings  by  clever  imita 
tions.  They  are  not  worth  the  canvas  they  are  painted 
on." 

He  started.  I  intercepted  the  swift  look  of  appre 
hension  that  passed  from  him  to  the  stolid  Schwartz- 
muller,  whose  face  turned  a  shade  redder. 

"  Impossible !  "  cried  Tarnowsy  sharply. 

"  By  no  means  impossible,"  I  said  calmly,  now  sure 
of  my  ground.  "  To  be  perfectly  frank  with  you,  I've 
known  from  the  beginning  that  they  are  fakes.  Your 
friend,  Count  Hohendahl,  is  nobler  than  you  give  him 
credit  for  being.  He  confessed  to  me  at  the  time  our 
transaction  took  place  that  the  frescoes  were  very 
recent  reproductions.  The  originals,  I  think,  are  in 
London  or  New  York."  I  saw  guilt  in  the  face  of 
Herr  Schwartzmuller.  His  moustaches  drooped  with 
the  corners  of  his  mouth ;  he  did  not  seem  to  be  filling 
out  the  frock  coat  quite  so  completely  as  when  I  first 
beheld  him.  A  shrewd  suspicion  impelled  me  to  take 
chances  on  a  direct  accusation.  I  looked  straight  into 
the  German's  eyes  and  said:  "  Now  that  I  come  to  think 
of  it,  I  am  sure  he  mentioned  the  name  of  Schwartz 
muller  in  connection  with  the  — " 

"  It  is  not  true !  It  is  not  true !  "  roared  the  expert, 
without  waiting  for  me  to  finish.  "  He  lied  to  you,  we 
—  the  great  firm  of  Zumpe  &  Schwartzmuller  —  we 
could  not  be  tempted  with  millions  to  do  such  a  thing." 

I  went  a  step  farther  in  my  deductions.  Somehow 
I  had  grasped  the  truth:  this  pair  deliberately  hoped 
to  swindle  me  out  of  forty  thousand  dollars.  They 
knew  the  frescoes  were  imitations  and  yet  they  were 
urging  me  to  spend  a  huge  sum  of  money  in  restoring 
canvases  that  had  been  purposely  made  to  look  old  and 
flimsy  in  order  to  deceive  a  more  cautious  purchaser 


248  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

than  I.  But,  as  I  say,  I  went  a  step  farther  and  de 
liberately  accused  Count  Tarnowsy. 

"  Moreover,  Count  Tarnowsy,  you  are  fully  aware 
of  all  this." 

"  My  dear  fellow,—" 

"  I'll  not  waste  words.  You  are  a  damned  scoun 
drel!" 

He  measured  the  distance  with  his  eye  and  then 
sprang  swiftly  forward,  striking  blindly  at  my  face. 

I  knocked  him  down ! 

Schwartzmuller  was  near  the  door,  looking  over  his 
shoulder  as  he  felt  for  the  great  brass  knob. 

"  Mein  Gott !  "  he  bellowed. 

"  Stop !  "  I  shouted.  "  Come  back  here  and  take  this 
fellow  away  with  you !  " 

Tarnowsy  was  sitting  up,  looking  about  him  in  a 
dazed,  bewildered  manner. 

At  that  moment,  Poopendyke  came  running  down  the 
stairs,  attracted  by  the  loud  voices.  He  was  followed 
closely  by  three  or  four  wide-eyed  glaziers  who  were 
working  on  the  second  floor. 

"  In  the  name  of  heaven,  sir ! " 

"  I've  bruised  my  knuckles  horribly,"  was  all  that  I 
said.  I  seemed  to  be  in  a  sort  of  a  daze  myself.  I  had 
never  knocked  a  man  down  before  in  my  life.  It  was  an 
amazingly  easy  thing  to  do.  I  could  hardly  believe 
that  I  had  done  it. 

Tarnowsy  struggled  to  his  feet  and  faced  me,  quiver 
ing  with  rage.  I  was  dumbfounded  to  see  that  he  was 
not  covered  with  blood.  But  he  was  of  a  light,  yellow 
ish  green.  I  could  scarcely  believe  my  eyes. 

"  You  shall  pay  for  this ! "  he  cried.  The  tears 
rushed  to  his  eyes.  "  Coward !  Beast !  To  strike  a 
defenceless  man ! " 


I  VISIT  AND  AM  VISITED  249 

His  hand  went  swiftly  to  his  breast  pocket,  and  an 
instant  later  a  small  revolver  flashed  into  view.  It  wasi 
then  that  I  did  another  strange  and  incomprehensible 
thing.  With  the  utmost  coolness  I  stepped  forward 
and  wrested  it  from  his  hand.  I  say  strange  and  in 
comprehensible  for  the  reason  that  he  was  pointing  it 
directly  at  my  breast  and  yet  I  had  not  the  slightest 
sensation  of  fear.  He  could  have  shot  me  like  a  dog. 
I  never  even  thought  of  that. 

"  None  of  that !  "  I  cried  sharply.  "  Now,  will  you 
be  good  enough  to  get  out  of  this  house  —  and  stay 
out?" 

"  My  seconds  will  call  on  you  — " 

"  And  they  will  receive  just  what  you  have  received. 
If  you  or  any  of  your  friends  presume  to  trespass 
on  the  privacy  of  these  grounds  of  mine,  I'll  kick  the 
whole  lot  of  you  into  the  Danube.  Hawkes!  Either 
show  or  lead  Count  Tarnowsy  to  the  gates.  As  for 
you,  Mr.  Schwartzmuller,  I  shall  expose  — " 

But  the  last  word  in  restorations  had  departed. 


CHAPTER    XIV 

I   AM    FORCED    INTO    BEING    A    HERO 

MY  humblest  apologies,  dear  reader,  if  I  have  led  you 
to  suspect  that  I  want  to  be  looked  upon  as  a  hero. 
Far  from  patting  myself  on  the  back  or  holding  my 
chin  a  little  higher  because  of  the  set-to  in  my  baronial 
halls,  I  confess  to  a  feeling  of  shame.  In  my  study, 
where  the  efficient  Blatchford  put  arnica  and  bandages 
on  my  swollen  knuckles,  I  solemnly  declared  in  the 
presence  of  those  who  attended  the  clinic  — (my  entire 
establishment  was  there  to  see  that  I  had  the  proper 
attention  and  to  tell  me  how  happy  they  were  that  it 
wasn't  any  worse) — I  say,  I  declared  to  all  of  them 
that  I  was  an  unmitigated  fool  and  undeserving  of  the 
slightest  mead  of  praise. 

They  insisted  upon  making  a  hero  of  me,  and  might 
have  succeeded,  had  not  the  incomparable  Britton  made 
the  discovery  that  the  Count's  revolver  was  not  loaded ! 
Still,  they  vociferated,  I  could  not  have  known  that  at 
the  time  of  the  encounter,  nor  was  it  at  all  likely  that 
the  Count  knew  it  himself. 

I  confess  to  an  inward  and  shameless  glory,  how 
ever,  in  the  realisation  that  I  had  been  able  to  punch 
the  head  of  the  man  who  had  lived  with  and  abused  that 
lovely  creature  upstairs.  He  had  struck  her  on  more 
than  one  occasion,  I  had  it  from  her  own  lips.  Far 
worse  than  that,  he  had  kissed  her!  But  of  course  I 
had  not  knocked  him  down  for  that.  I  did  it  because 

it  was  simpler  than  being  knocked  down  myself. 

250 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     251 

The  worst  feature  of  the  whole  unhappy  business 
was  the  effect  it  was  likely  to  have  upon  my  commonly 
pacific  nature.  Heretofore  I  had  avoided  physical  en 
counters,  not  because  I  was  afraid  of  the  result,  but 
because  I  hate  brutal,  unscientific  manifestations  of 
strength.  Now,  to  my  surprise,  I  found  that  it  was  a 
ridiculously  easy  matter  to  knock  a  man  down  and  end 
the  squabble  in  short  order,  thereby  escaping  a  great 
deal  in  the  shape  of  disgusting  recriminations,  and  com 
ing  off  victorious  with  nothing  more  vital  in  the  way  of 
wounds  than  a  couple  of  bruised  knuckles.  (No  doubt, 
with  practice,  one  could  even  avoid  having  his  knuckles 
barked.) 

Was  it  not  probable,  therefore,  that  my  habitual 
tendency  to  turn  away  wrath  with  a  soft  answer  might 
suffer  a  more  or  less  sanguinary  shock?  Now  that  I 
had  found  out  how  simple  it  was,  would  I  not  be  satis 
fied  to  let  my  good  right  hand  settle  disputes  for  me  — 
with  uniform  certainty  and  despatch?  Heaven  is  my 
witness  that  I  have  no  desire  to  be  regarded  as  a  bruiser. 
I  hope  that  it  may  never  fall  to  my  lot  to  again  knock 
a  man  down.  But  if  it  should  be  necessary,  I  also  wish 
to  record  the  hope  that  the  man  may  be  a  husband  who 
has  mistreated  his  wife. 

In  the  course  of  Blatchford's  ministrations  I  was 
regaled  with  eloquent  descriptions  of  the  manner  in 
which  my  late  adversary  took  his  departure  from  the 
castle.  He  went  forth  vowing  vengeance,  calling  down 
upon  my  head  all  the  maledictions  he  could  lay  his 
tongue  to,  and  darkly  threatening  to  have  me  driven 
out  of  the  country.  I  was  not  to  expect  a  call  from 
his  seconds.  He  would  not  submit  his  friends  to  the 
indignities  they  were  sure  to  encounter  at  the  hands 
of  a  barbarian  of  my  type.  But,  just  the  same,  I 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

would  hear  from  him.  I  would  regret  the  day,  etc., 
etc. 

I  had  forgotten  Mr.  Bangs,  the  lawyer.  Sitting 
alone  in  my  study,  late  in  the  afternoon,  smoking  a 
solitary  pipe  of  peace,  I  remembered  him:  the  man 
with  the  top  button  off.  What  had  become  of  him? 
His  presence  (or,  more  accurately,  his  absence)  sud 
denly  loomed  up  before  me  as  the  forerunner  of  an  un 
welcome  invasion  of  my  preserves.  He  was,  no  doubt, 
a  sort  of  advance  agent  for  the  Titus  family  and  its 
immediate  ramifications. 

Just  as  I  was  on  the  point  of  starting  out  to  make 
inquiries  concerning  him,  there  came  to  my  ears  the 
sound  of  tapping  on  the  back  of  Red  Ludwig's  portrait. 
Not  until  then  did  it  occur  to  me  that  I  had  been  wait 
ing  for  two  hours  for  that  simple  manifestation  of 
interest  and  curiosity  from  the  regions  above. 

I  rushed  over  and  rapped  resoundingly  upon  Lud 
wig's  pudgy  knee.  The  next  instant  there  was  a  click 
and  then  the  secret  door  swung  open,  revealing  the 
eager,  concerned  face  of  my  neighbour. 

"  What  has  happened  ?  "  she  cried. 

I  lifted  her  out  of  the  frame.  Her  gaze  fell  upon 
the  bandaged  fist. 

"  Mr.  Bangs  spoke  of  a  pistol.  Don't  tell  me  that 
he  —  he  shot  you !  " 

I  held  up  my  swollen  hand  rather  proudly.  It 
smelled  vilely  of  arnica. 

"  This  wound  was  self-inflicted,  my  dear  Countess," 
I  said,  thrilled  by  her  expression  of  concern.  "  I  had 
the  exquisite  pleasure  —  and  pain  —  of  knocking  your 
former  husband  down." 

"  Oh,  splendid ! "  she  cried,  her  eyes  gleaming  with 
excitement.  "  Mr.  Bangs  was  rather  hazy  about  it, 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     253 

and  he  would  not  let  me  risk  telephoning.  You  knocked 
Maris  down?  " 

"  Emphatically,"  said  I. 

She  mused.  "  I  think  it  is  the  first  time  it  has 
ever  happened  to  him.  How  —  how  did  he  like  it?" 

"  It  appeared  to  prostrate  him." 

She  smiled  understandingly.  "  I  am  glad  you  did 
it,  Mr.  Smart." 

"  If  I  remember  correctly,  you  once  said  that  he  had 
struck  you,  Countess." 

Her  face  flushed.  "  Yes.  On  three  separate  oc 
casions  he  struck  me  in  the  face  with  his  open  hand. 
I  —  I  testified  to  that  effect  at  the  trial.  Every  one 
seemed  to  look  upon  it  as  a  joke.  He  swore  that  they 
were  —  were  love  pats." 

"  I  hope  his  lack  of  discrimination  will  not  lead  him 
to  believe  that  I  was  delivering  a  love  pat,"  said  I, 
grimly. 

"  Now,  tell  me  everything  that  happened,"  she  said, 
seating  herself  in  my  big  armchair.  Her  feet  failed  to 
touch  the  floor.  She  was  wearing  the  little  tan  pumps. 

When  I  came  to  that  part  of  the  story  where  I  ac 
cused  Tarnowsy  of  duplicity  in  connection  with  the 
frescoes,  she  betrayed  intense  excitement. 

"  Of  course  it  was  all  a  bluff  on  my  part,"  I  ex 
plained. 

"  But  you  were  nearer  the  truth  than  you  thought," 
she  said,  compressing  her  lips.  After  a  moment  she 
went  on :  "  Count  Hohendahl  sold  the  originals  over 
three  years  ago.  I  was  here  with  Maris  at  the  time 
of  the  transaction  and  when  the  paintings  were  re 
moved.  Maris  acted  as  an  intermediary  in  the  deal. 
Hohendahl  received  two  hundred  thousand  dollars  for 
the  paintings,  but  they  were  worth  it.  I  have  reason 


254  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

to  believe  that  Maris  had  a  fourth  of  the  amount  for 
his  commission.  So,  you  see,  you  were  right  in  your 
surmise." 

"  The  infernal  rascal !  Where  are  the  originals, 
Countess  ?  " 

"  They  are  in  my  father's  villa  at  Newport,"  she 
said.  "  I  intended  speaking  of  this  to  you  before,  but 
I  was  afraid  your  pride  would  be  hurt.  Of  course,  I 
should  have  spoken  if  it  came  to  the  point  where  you 
really  considered  having  those  forgeries  restored." 

"  Your  father  bought  them?  " 

"  Yes.  While  we  were  spending  our  honeymoon  here 
in  Schloss  Rothhoefen,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said.  Her 
face  was  very  pale. 

I  could  see  that  the  dark  associations  filled  her  mind, 
and  abruptly  finished  my  tale  without  further  reference 
to  the  paintings. 

"  He  will  challenge  you,"  she  said  nervously.  "  I 
am  so  sorry  to  have  placed  you  in  this  dreadful  posi 
tion,  Mr.  Smart.  I  shall  never  forgive  myself  for  — " 

"  You  are  in  no  way  concerned  in  what  happened 
to-day,"  I  interrupted.  "  It  was  a  purely  personal 
affair.  Moreover,  he  will  not  challenge  me." 

"  He  has  fought  three  duels,"  she  said.  "  He  is 
not  a  physical  coward."  Her  dark  eyes  were  full  of 
dread. 

I  hesitated.  "  Would  you  be  vitally  interested  in 
the  outcome  of  such  an  affair?  "  I  asked.  My  voice 
was  strangely  husky. 

"  Oh,  how  can  you  ask?  " 

"  I  mean,  on  Rosemary's  account,"  I  stammered. 
"  He  —  he  is  her  father,  you  see.  It  would  mean  — " 

"  I  was  not  thinking  of  the  danger  to  him,  Mr. 
Smart,"  she  said  simply. 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     25 

"  But  can't  you  see  how  dreadful  it  would  be  if 
were  to  kill  Rosemary's  father  ?  "  I  cried,  complete! 
forgetting  myself.     "  Can't  you  see  ?  " 

A  slow  flush  mounted  to  her  brow.  "  That  is  pre 
cisely  what  I  was  thinking,  Mr.  Smart.  It  would  be  - 
unspeakably  dreadful." 

I  stood  over  her.  My  heart  was  pounding  heavilj 
She  must  have  seen  the  peril  that  lay  in  my  eyes,  fo 
she  suddenly  slipped  out  of  the  chair  and  faced  m< 
the  flush  dying  in  her  cheek,  leaving  it  as  pale  as  ivorj 

"  You  must  not  say  anything  more,  Mr.  Smart,"  st 
said  gently. 

A  bitter  smile  came  to  my  lips,  and  I  drew  back  wit 
a  sickening  sense  of  realisation.  There  was  nothin 
more  to  be  said.  But  I  now  thoroughly  understoo 
one  thing :  I  was  in  love  with  her !  .  .  . 

I  am  something  of  a  philosopher.  I  submit  tha 
my  attitude  at  the  time  of  my  defeat  at  the  hands  c 
the  jeweller's  clerk  proves  the  point  conclusively.  I 
I  failed  at  that  time  to  inspire  feelings  of  love  in  th 
breast  of  a  giddy  stenographer,  what  right  had  I  t 
expect  anything  better  from  the  beautiful  Countes 
Tarnowsy,  whose  aspirations  left  nothing  to  the  imag 
nation?  While  she  was  prone  to  chat  without  visib] 
restraint  at  this  significantly  trying  moment,  I,  bein 
a  philosopher,  remained  silent  and  thoughtful.  Quii 
before  I  knew  it,  I  was  myself  again:  a  steady,  seli 
reliant  person  who  could  make  the  best  of  a  situatioi 
who  could  take  his  medicine  like  a  man.  Luckily,  th 
medicine  was  not  so  bitter  as  it  might  have  been  if 
had  made  a  vulgar,  impassioned  display  of  my  emotion: 
Thank  heaven,  I  had  that  to  be  thankful  for. 

She  was  speaking  of  the  buttonless  lawyer,  Mi 
Bangs.  "  He  is  waiting  to  see  you  this  evening,  Mi 


256  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Smart,  to  discuss  ways  and  means  of  getting  mj  mother 
and  brothers  into  the  castle  without  discovery  by  the 
spies  who  are  undoubtedly  watching  their  every  move." 

I  drew  in  another  long,  deep  breath.  "  It  seems  to 
me  that  the  thing  cannot  be  done.  The  risk  is  tre 
mendous.  Why  not  head  her  off?  " 

"  Head  her  off?  You  do  not  know  my  mother,  Mr. 
Smart.  She  has  made  up  her  mind  that  her  place  is 
here  with  me,  and  there  isn't  anything  in  the  world  that 
can  —  head  her  off,  as  you  say." 

"But  surely  you  see  the  danger?" 

"  I  do.  I  have  tried  to  stop  her.  Mr.  Bangs  has 
tried  to  stop  her.  So  has  father.  But  she  is  coming. 
We  must  arrange  something." 

I  was  pacing  the  floor  in  front  of  her.  She  had  re 
sumed  her  place  in  the  chair. 

"  My  deepest  regret,  Countess,  lies  in  the  fact  that 
our  little  visits  will  be  —  well,  at  an  end.  Our  delight 
ful  little  suppers  and — " 

"  Oh,  but  think  of  the  comfort  it  will  be  to  you,  not 
having  me  on  your  mind  all  of  the  time.  I  shall  not 
be  lonesome,  I  shall  not  be  afraid,  I  shall  not  be  for 
ever  annoying  you  with  selfish  demands  upon  your  good 
nature.  You  will  have  time  to  write  without  interrup 
tion.  It  will  be  for  the  best." 

"  No,"  said  I,  positively.  "  They  were  jolly  par 
ties,  and  I  shall  miss  them." 

She  looked  away  quickly.  "And,  if  all  goes  well, 
I  shall  soon  be  safely  on  my  way  to  America.  Then 
you  will  be  rid  of  me  completely." 

I  was  startled.  "  You  mean  that  there  is  a  plan 
afoot  to  —  to  smuggle  you  out  of  the  country?" 

"  Yes.  And  I  fear  I  shall  have  to  trouble  you  again 
when  it  comes  to  that.  You  must  help  me,  Mr.  Smart." 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     257 

I  nodded  slowly.  Help  her  to  get  away?  I  hadn't 
thought  of  that  lately.  The  prospect  left  me  rather 
cold  and  sick. 

"I'll  do  all  that  I  can,  Countess." 

She  smiled  faintly,  but  I  was  certain  that  I  detected 
a  challenge, —  a  rather  unkind  challenge, —  in  her  eyes. 
"  You  will  come  to  see  me  in  New  York,  of  course." 

I  shook  my  head.  "  I  am  afraid  we  are  counting 
our  chickens  before  they're  hatched.  One  or  the  other 
of  us  may  be  in  jail  for  the  next  few  years." 

"Heavens!"  " 

"  But  I'll  come  to  see  you  in  New  York,  if  you'll  let 
me,"  I  cried,  trying  to  repair  the  damage  I  had  done. 
"I  was  jesting  when  I  spoke  of  jail." 

Her  brow  was  puckered  in  thought.  "  It  has  just  oc 
curred  to  me,  my  dear  friend,  that  even  if  I  do  get  safely 
away,  you  will  be  left  here  to  face  the  consequences. 
When  it  becomes  known  that  you  sheltered  me,  the  au 
thorities  may  make  it  extremely  uncomfortable  for 
you." 

"  I'm  not  worrying  about  that." 

"  Just  the  same,  it  is  something  to  worry  about," 
she  said,  seriously.  "  Now,  here  is  what  I  have  had  in 
mind  for  a  long,  long  time.  Why  don't  you  come  with 
me  when  I  leave?  That  will  be  the  safest  plan." 

"  You  are  not  in  earnest !  " 

"  Assuredly.  The  plan  is  something  like  this :  I 
am  to  be  taken  by  slow  stages,  overland,  to  a  small 
Mediterranean  port.  One  of  a  half-dozen  American 
yachts  now  cruising  the  sea  will  be  ready  to  pick  me  up. 
Doesn't  it  seem  simple?  " 

"  It  seems  simple  enough,"  said  I.  "  But  there  are 
a  lot  of  *  ifs  '  between  here  and  the  little  port  you 
hope  to  reach.  It  will  not  be  an  easy  matter  to  man- 


258  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

age  the  successful  flight  of  a  party  as  large  as  yours 
will  be." 

"  Oh,"  she  cried,  "  I  shall  be  quite  alone,  except  for 
Rosemary  and  Blake, —  and  Mr.  Bangs." 

"  But  your  mother?     You  can't  leave  her  here." 

"  You  will  have  to  smuggle  her  out  of  the  castle  a 
day  or  two  in  advance.  It  is  all  thought  out,  Mr. 
Smart." 

"  By  Jove ! "  I  exclaimed,  with  more  irascibility  than 
I  intended  to  show.  "  If  I  succeed  in  doing  all  that  is 
expected  of  me,  I  certainly  will  be  entitled  to  more  than 
an  invitation  to  come  and  see  you  in  New  York." 

She  arose  and  laid  her  fingers  upon  my  bandaged 
hand.  The  reckless  light  had  died  out  of  her  eyes. 

"  I  have  thought  that  out,  too,  Mr.  Smart,"  she 
said,  quietly.  "  And  now,  good-bye.  You  will  come 
up  to  see  Mr.  Bangs  to-night?" 

Considerably  mystified  by  her  remark,  I  said  I  would 
come,  and  then  assisted  her  through  the  opening  in  the 
wall.  She  smiled  back  at  me  as  the  portrait  swung  into 
place. 

What  did  she  mean?  Was  it  possible  that  she  meant 
to  have  old  man  Titus  reward  me  in  a  pecuniary  way? 
The  very  thought  of  such  a  thing  caused  me  to  double 
up  my  fist  —  my  recently  discovered  fist !  —  and  to 
swear  softly  under  my  breath.  After  a  few  moments  I 
was  conscious  of  a  fierce  pain  in  the  back  of  my  hand. 

Bangs  was  a  shrewd  little  Englishman.  As  I  shook 
hands  with  him  —  using  my  left  hand  with  a  superflu 
ous  apology  —  I  glanced  at  the  top  of  his  waistcoat. 
There  was  no  button  missing. 

"  The  Countess  sewed  it  on  for  me,"  he  said  drily, 
reading  my  thoughts. 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     259 

I  stayed  late  with  them,  discussing  plans.  He  had 
strongly  advised  against  any  attempt  on  Mrs.  Titus's 
part  to  enter  her  daughter's  hiding-place,  but  had  been 
overruled.  I  conceived  the  notion,  too,  that  he  was  a 
very  strong-minded  man.  What  then  must  have  been 
the  strength  of  Mrs.  Titus's  resolution  to  overcome  the 
objections  he  put  in  her  way? 

He,  too,  had  thought  it  all  out.  Everybody  seems 
to  have  thought  everything  out  with  a  single  exception, 
—  myself.  His  plan  was  not  a  bad  one.  Mrs.  Titus 
and  her  sons  were  to  enter  the  castle  under  cover  of 
night,  and  I  was  to  meet  them  in  an  automobile  at  a 
town  some  fifteen  kilometers  away,  where  they  would 
leave  the  train  while  their  watchers  were  asleep,  and 
bring  them  overland  to  Schloss  Rothhoefen.  They 
would  be  accompanied  by  a  single  lady's  maid  and  no 
luggage.  A  chartered  motor  boat  would  meet  us  up- 
the  river  a  few  miles,  and  —  well,  it  looked  very  simple ! 
All  that  was  required  of  me  was  a  willingness  to  address 
her  as  "  Mother  "  and  her  sons  as  "  brothers  "  in  case 
there  were  any  questions  asked. 

This  was  Tuesday.  They,  were  coming  on  Thurs 
day,  and  the  train  reached  the  station  mentioned  at 
half-past  twelve  at  night.  So  you  will  see  it  was  a 
jolly  arrangement. 

I  put  Mr.  Bangs  up  in  my  best  guest-chamber,  and, 
be  it  said  to  my  credit,  the  Countess  did  not  have  to  sug 
gest  it  to  me.  As  we  said  good  night  to  her  on  the 
little  landing  at  the  top  of  the  stairs,  she  took  my 
bandaged  paw  between  her  two  little  hands  and  said: 

"  You  will  soon  be  rid  of  me  forever,  Mr.  Smart. 
Will  you  bear  with  me  patiently  for  a  little  while 
longer?"  There  was  a  plaintive,  appealing  note  in 
her  voice.  She  seemed  strangely  subdued. 


260  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  I  can  bear  with  you  much  easier  than  I  can  bear 
the  thought  of  being  rid  of  you,"  I  said  in  a  very  low- 
voice.  She  pressed  my  clumsy  hand  fiercely,  and  I  felt 
no  pain. 

"  You  have  been  too  good  to  me,"  she  said  in  a  very 
small  voice.  '*  Some  day,  when  I  am  out  of  all  this 
trouble,  I  may  be  able  to  tell  you  how  much  I  ap 
preciate  all  you  have  done  for  me." 

An  almost  irresistible  —  I  was  about  to  say  un 
governable  —  impulse  to  seize  her  in  my  arms  came  over 
me,  but  I  conquered  it  and  rushed  after  Mr.  Bangs,  as 
blind  as  a  bat  and  reeling  for  a  dozen  steps  or  more. 
It  was  a  most  extraordinary  feeling. 

I  found  myself  wondering  if  passion  had  that  effect 
on  all  men.  If  this  was  an  illustration  of  what  a  real 
passionate  love  could  do  to  a  sensible,  level-headed  per 
son,  then  what,  in  heaven's  name,  was  the  emotion  I  had 
characterised  as  love  during  my  placid  courtship  of  the 
faintly  remembered  typewriter?  There  had  been  no 
such  blinding,  staggering  sensation  as  this.  No 
thoughts  of  physical  contact  with  my  former  inamorata 
had  left  me  weak  and  trembling  and  dazed  as  I  was  at 
this  historic  moment. 

Bangs  was  chattering  in  his  glib  English  fashion  as 
we  descended  to  my  study,  but  I  did  not  hear  half  that 
he  said.  He  looked  surprised  at  two  or  three  of  the 
answers  I  made  to  his  questions,  and  I  am  sure  there 
were  several  of  them  that  I  didn't  respond  to  at  all. 
He  must  have  thought  me  an  unmannerly  person. 

One  remark  of  his  brought  me  rather  sharply  to  my 
senses.  I  seemed  capable  of  grasping  its  awful  sig 
nificance  when  all  the  others  had  gone  by  without  no 
tice. 

"  If  all  goes  well,"  he  was  saying,  "  she  should  be 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     261 

safely  away  from  here  on  the  fourteenth.  That  leaves 
less  than  ten  days  more,  sir,  under  your  hospitable 
roof." 

"  Less  than  ten  days,"  I  repeated.  This  was  the 
fifth  of  the  month.  "  If  all  goes  well.  Less  than  ten 
days." 

Again  I  passed  a  sleepless  night.  A  feeling  of  the 
utmost  loneliness  and  desolation  grew  up  within  me. 
Less  than  ten  days !  And  then  she  would  be  "  safely 
away  "  from  me.  She  and  Rosemary !  There  was  a 
single  ray  of  brightness  in  the  gloom  that  shrouded 
my  thoughts :  she  had  urged  me  to  fly  away  with  her. 
She  did  not  want  to  leave  me  behind  to  face  the  perils 
after  she  was  safely  out  of  them.  God  bless  her  for 
thinking  of  that ! 

But  of  course  what  little  common  sense  and  judg 
ment  I  had  left  within  me  told  me  that  such  a  course 
was  entirely  out  of  the  question.  I  could  not  go  away 
with  her.  I  could  do  no  more  than  to  see  her  safely 
on  her  way  to  the  queer  little  port  on  the  east  coast  of 
Italy.  Then  I  should  return  to  my  bleak,  joyless 
castle, —  to  my  sepulchre, —  and  suffer  all  the  tor 
ments  of  the  damned  for  days  and  weeks  until  word 
came  that  she  was  actually  safe  on  the  other  side  of  the 
Atlantic. 

What  courage,  what  pluck  she  had!  Criminal? 
No,  a  thousand  times,  no!  She  was  claiming  her  own, 
her  dearest  own.  The  devil  must  have  been  in  the  peo 
ple  who  set  themselves  up  as  judges  to  condemn  her  for 
fighting  so  bravely  for  that  which  God  had  given  her. 
Curse  them  all!  ...  I  fear  that  my  thoughts  be 
came  more  and  more  maudlin  as  the  interminable  night 
went  on. 

Always  they  came  back  to  the  sickening  realisation 


262  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

that  I  was  to  lose  her  in  ten  days,  and  that  my  castle 
would  be  like  a  tomb. 

Of  course  the  Hazzards  and  the  Billy  Smiths  were 
possible  panaceas,  but  what  could  they  bring  to  ease 
the  pangs  of  a  secret  nostalgia?  Nothing  but  their 
own  blissful  contentment,  their  own  happiness  to  make 
my  loneliness  seem  all  the  more  horrible  by  contrast. 
Would  it  not  be  better  for  me  to  face  it  alone?  Would 
it  not  be  better  to  live  the  life  of  a  hermit? 

She  came  to  visit  me  at  twelve  o'clock  the  next  day. 
I  was  alone  in  the  study.  Poopendyke  was  showing 
Mr.  Bangs  over  the  castle. 

She  was  dressed  in  a  gown  of  some  soft  grey  ma 
terial,  and  there  was  a  bunch  of  violets  at  her  girdle. 

"  I  came  to  dress  your  hand  for  you,"  she  said  as 
I  helped  her  down  from  Red  Ludwig's  frame. 

Now  I  have  neglected  to  mention  that  the  back  of 
my  hand  was  swollen  to  enormous  proportions,  an 
unlovely  thing. 

"  Thank  you,"  I  said,  shaking  my  head ;  "  but  it  is 
quite  all  right.  Britton  attended  to  it  this  morning. 
It  is  good  of  you  to  think  about  it,  Countess.  It 
isn't  — " 

"  I  thought  about  it  all  night,"  she  said,  and  I 
could  believe  her  after  the  light  from  the  windows  had 
fallen  upon  her  face.  There  were  dark  circles  under 
her  eyes  and  she  was  quite  pale.  Her  eyes  seemed 
abnormally  large  and  brilliant.  "  I  am  so  sorry  not 
to  be  able  to  do  one  little  thing  for  you.  Will  you  not 
let  me  dress  it  after  this  ?  " 

I  coloured.  "  Really,  it  —  it  is  a  most  trifling 
bruise,"  I  explained,  "  just  a  little  black  and  blue, 
that's  all.  Pray  do  not  think  of  it  again." 

"  You  will  never  let  me  do  anything  for  you,"  she 


said.  Her  eyes  were  velvety.  "  It  isn't  fair.  I  have 
exacted  so  much  from  you,  and  — " 

"  And  I  have  been  most  brutal  and  unfeeling  in  many 
of  the  things  I  have  said  to  you,"  said  I,  despairingly. 
"  I  am  ashamed  of  the  nasty  wounds  I  have  given  you. 
My  state  of  repentance  allows  you  to  exact  whatso 
ever  you  will  of  me,  and,  when  all  is  said  and  done,  I 
shall  still  be  your  debtor.  Can  you  —  will  you  pardon 
the  coarse  opinions  of  a  conceited  ass?  I  assure  you 
I  am  not  the  man  I  was  when  you  first  encountered 
me." 

She  smiled.  "  For  that  matter,  I  am  not  the  same 
woman  I  was,  Mr.  Smart.  You  have  taught  me  three 
things,  one  of  which  I  may  mention:  the  subjection  of 
self.  That,  with  the  other  two,  has  made  a  new  Aline 
Titus  of  me.  I  hope  you  may  be  pleased  with  the  — 
transfiguration." 

"  I  wish  you  were  Aline  Titus,"  I  said,  struck  by  the 
idea. 

"  You  may  at  least  be  sure  that  I  shall  not  remain 
the  Countess  Tarnowsy  long,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said, 
with  a  very  puzzling  expression  in  her  eyes. 

My  heart  sank.  "  But  I  remember  hearing  you  say 
not  so  very  long  ago  that  you  would  never  marry 
again,"  I  railed. 

She  regarded  me  rather  oddly  for  a  moment.  "  I 
am  very,  very  glad  that  you  are  such  a  steady,  sensible, 
practical  man.  A  vapid,  impressionable  youth,  during 
this  season  of  propinquity,  might  have  been  so  foolish 
as  to  fall  in  love  with  me,  and  that  would  have  been 
too  bad." 

I  think  I  glared  at  her.  **  Then, —  then,  you  are 
going  to  marry  some  one?  " 

She  waited  a  moment,  looking  straight  into  my  eyes. 


264  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Yes,"  she  said,  and  a  delicate  pink  stole  into  her 
cheek,  "  I  am  going  to  marry  some  one." 

I  muttered  something  about  congratulating  a  lucky 
dog,  but  it  was  all  very  hazy  to  me. 

"  Don't  congratulate  him  yet,"  she  cried,  the  flush 
deepening.  "  I  may  be  a  very,  very  great  disappoint 
ment  to  him,  and  a  never-ending  nuisance." 

"  I'm  sure  you  will  —  will  be  all  right,"  I  floundered. 
Then  I  resorted  to  gaiety.  "  You  see,  I've  spent  a  lot 
of  time  trying  to  —  to  make  another  woman  of  you, 
and  so  I'm  confident  he'll  find  you  quite  satisfactory." 

She  laughed  gaily.  "  What  a  goose  you  are !  "  she 
cried. 

I  flushed  painfully,  for,  I  give  you  my  word,  it  hurt 
to  have  her  laugh  at  me.  She  sobered  at  once. 

"  Forgive  me,"  she  said  very  prettily,  and  I  forgave 
her.  "  Do  you  know  we've  never  given  the  buried 
treasure  another  thought? "  she  went  on,  abruptly 
changing  the  subject.  "  Are  we  not  to  go  searching 
for  it?" 

"  But  it  isn't  there,"  said  I,  steeling  my  heart  against 
the  longing  that  tried  to  creep  into  it.  "  It's  all 
balderdash." 

She  pouted  her  warm  red  lips.  "  Have  you  lost  inter 
est  in  it  so  soon?  " 

"  Of  course,  111  go  any  time  you  say,"  said  I,  life 
lessly.  "  It  will  be  a  lark,  at  all  events." 

"  Then  we  will  go  this  very  afternoon,"  she  said, 
with  enthusiasm. 

My  ridiculous  heart  gave  a  great  leap.  "  This  very 
afternoon,"  I  said,  managing  my  voice  very  well. 

She  arose.  "  Now  I  must  scurry  away.  It  would 
not  do  for  Mr.  Bangs  to  find  me  here  with  you.  He 
would  be  shocked." 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     265 

I  walked  beside  her  to  the  chair  that  stood  below 
the  portrait  of  Ludwig  the  Red,  and  took  her  hand  to 
assist  her  in  stepping  upon  it. 

"  I  sincerely  hope  this  chap  you're  going  to  marry, 
Countess,  may  be  the  best  fellow  in  the  world,"  said  I, 
still  clasping  her  hand. 

She  had  one  foot  on  the  chair  as  she  half-turned  to 
face  me. 

"  He  is  the  best  fellow  in  the  world,"  she  said. 

I  gulped.  "  I  can't  tell  you  how  happy  I  shall  be 
if  you  —  if  you  find  real  happiness.  You  deserve  hap 
piness  —  and  love." 

She  gripped  my  hand  fiercely.  "  I  want  to  be  happy  ! 
I  want  to  be  loved !  Oh,  I  want  to  be  loved !  "  she 
cried,  so  passionately  that  I  turned  away,  unwilling  to 
be  a  witness  to  this  outburst  of  feeling  on  her  part. 
She  slipped  her  hand  out  of  mine  and  a  second  later  was 
through  the  frame.  I  had  a  fleeting  glimpse  of  a  slim, 
adorable  ankle.  "  Good-bye,"  she  called  back  in  a  voice 
that  seemed  strangely  choked.  The  spring  in  the  gold 
mirror  clicked.  A  draft  of  air  struck  me  in  the  face. 
She  was  gone. 

"  What  an  infernal  fool  you've  been,"  I  said  to  my 
self  as  I  stood  there  staring  at  the  black  hole  in  the 
wall.  Then,  I  gently,  even  caressingly  swung  old  Lud 
wig  the  Red  into  place.  There  was  another  click. 
The  incident  was  closed. 

A  very  few  words  are  sufficient  to  cover  the  expedi 
tion  in  quest  of  the  legendary  treasures  of  the  long 
dead  Barons.  Mr.  Bangs  accompanied  us.  Britton 
carried  a  lantern  and  the  three  Schmicks  went  along 
as  guides.  We  found  nothing  but  cobwebs. 

"  Conrad,"  said  I,  as  we  emerged  from  the  last  of 
the  underground  chambers,  "  tell  me  the  truth :  was 


266  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

there  ever  such  a  thing  as  buried  treasure  in  this 
abominable  hole?  " 

"  Yes,  mein  herr,"  he  replied,  with  an  apologetic 
grin ;  "  but  I  think  it  was  discovered  three  years  ago 
by  Count  Hohendahl  and  Count  Tarnowsy." 

We  stared  at  him.  "  The  deuce  you  say !  "  cried  I, 
with  a  quick  glance  at  the  Countess.  She  appeared  to 
be  as  much  surprised  as  I. 

"  They  searched  for  a  month,"  explained  the  old 
man,  guiltily.  "  They  found  something  in  the  walls 
of  the  second  tier.  I  cannot  say  what  it  was,  but  they 
were  very,  very  happy,  my  lady."  He  now  addressed 
her.  "  It  was  at  the  time  they  went  away  and  did  not 
return  for  three  weeks,  if  you  remember  the  time." 

"  Remember  it !  "  she  cried  bitterly.  "  Too  well, 
Conrad."  She  turned  to  me.  "  We  had  been  married 
less  than  two  months,  Mr.  Smart." 

I  smiled  rather  grimly.  "  Count  Tarnowsy  appears 
to  have  had  a  great  run  of  luck  in  those  days."  It  was 
a  mean  remark  and  I  regretted  it  instantly.  To  my 
surprise  she  smiled  —  perhaps  patiently  —  and  im 
mediately  afterward  invited  Mr.  Bangs  and  me  to  dine 
with  her  that  evening.  She  also  asked  Mr.  Poopen- 
dyke  later  on. 

Poopendyke!  An  amazing,  improbable  idea  entered 
my  head.  Poopendyke! 

The  next  day  I  was  very  busy,  preparing  for  the 
journey  by  motor  to  the  small  station  down  the  line 
where  I  was  to  meet  Mrs.  Titus  and  her  sons.  It 
seemed  to  me  that  every  one  who  knew  anything  what 
ever  about  the  arrangements  went  out  of  his  way  to  fill 
my  already  rattle-brained  head  with  advice.  I  was  ad- 


I  AM  FORCED  INTO  BEING  A  HERO     267 

vised  to  be  careful  at  least  one  hundred  times ;  first  in 
regard  to  the  running  of  the  car,  then  as  to  road  direc 
tions,  then  as  to  the  police,  then  as  to  the  identity  of 
the  party  I  was  to  pick  up ;  but  more  often  than  any 
thing  else,  I  was  urged  to  be  as  expeditious  as  possible 
and  to  look  out  for  my  tires. 

In  order  to  avoid  suspicion,  I  rented  a  big  German 
touring  car  for  a  whole  month,  paying  down  a  lump  sum 
of  twelve  hundred  marks  in  advance.  On  Thursday 
morning  I  took  it  out  for  a  spin,  driving  it  myself 
part  of  the  time,  giving  the  wheel  to  Britton  the  re 
mainder. 

(The  year  before  I  had  toured  Europe  pretty  ex 
tensively  in  a  car  of  the  same  make,  driving  alternately 
with  Britton,  who  besides  being  an  excellent  valet  was 
a  chauffeur  of  no  mean  ability,  having  served  a  London- 
actress  for  two  years  or  more,  which  naturally  meant 
that  he  had  been  required  to  do  a  little  of  everything.) 

We  were  to  keep  the  car  in  a  garage  across  the 
river,  drive  it  ourselves,  and  pay  for  the  up-keep.  We 
were  therefore  quite  free  to  come  and  go  as  we  pleased, 
without  the  remotest  chance  of  being  questioned.  In 
fact,  I  intimated  that  I  might  indulge  in  a  good  bit  of 
joy-riding  if  the  fine  weather  kept  up. 

Just  before  leaving  the  castle  for  the  ferry  trip 
across  the  river  that  evening,  I  was  considerably  sur 
prised  to  have  at  least  a  dozen  brand  new  trunks  de 
livered  at  my  landing  stage.  It  is  needless  to  say  that 
they  turned  out  to  be  the  property  of  Mrs.  Titus, 
expressed  by  grande  vitesse  from  some  vague  city  in 
the  north  of  Germany.  They  all  bore  the  name 
"  Smart,  U.  S.  A.,"  painted  in  large  white  letters  on 
each  end,  and  I  was  given  to  understand  that  they 
belonged  to  my  own  dear  mother,  who  at  that  moment,  I 


268  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

am  convinced,  was  sitting  down  to  luncheon  in  the 
Adirondacks,  provided  her  habits  were  as  regular  as  I 
remembered  them  to  be. 

I  set  forth  with  Britton  at  nine  o'clock,  in  a  driz 
zling  rain.  There  had  been  no  rain  for  a  month. 
The  farmers,  the  fruit-raisers,  the  growers  of  grapes 
and  all  the  birds  and  beasts  of  the  field  had  been  beg 
ging  for  rain  for  weeks.  No  doubt  they  rejoiced  in 
the  steady  downpour  that  came  at  half-past  nine,  but 
what  must  have  been  their  joy  at  ten  when  the  very 
floodgates  of  heaven  opened  wide  and  let  loose  all  the 
dammed  waters  of  July  and  August  (and  perhaps  some 
that  was  being  saved  up  for  the  approaching  Septem 
ber!)  I  have  never  known  it  to  rain  so  hard  as  it  did 
on  that  Thursday  night  in  August,  nor  have  I  ever 
ceased  reviling  the  fate  that  instituted,  on  the  very 
next  day,  a  second  season  of  drought  that  lasted  for 
nearly  six  weeks. 

But  we  went  bravely  through  that  terrible  storm, 
Britton  and  I,  and  the  vehement  Mercedes,  up  hill  and 
down-,  over  ruts  and  rocks,  across  bridges  and  under 
them,  sozzling  and  swishing  and  splashing  in  the  path 
of  great  white  lights  that  rushed  ahead  of  us  through 
the  gloom.  At  half-past  eleven  o'clock  we  were  skid 
ding  over  the  cobblestones  of  the  darkest  streets  I  have 
ever  known,  careening  like  a  drunken  sailor  but  not 
half  as  surely,  headed  for  the  Staatsbahnhof,  to  which 
we  had  been  directed  by  an  object  in  a  raincoat  who 
must  have  been  a  policeman  but  who  lookeci  more  like  a 
hydrant. 

"  Britton,"  said  I,  wearily,  "  have  you  ever  seen  any 
thing  like  it?" 

"  Once  before,  sir,"  said  he.     "  Niagara  Falls,  sir." 


CHAPTER     XV 

I  TEA  VERSE  THE  NIGHT 

WE  were  drenched  to  the  skin  and  bespattered  with 
mud,  cold  and  cheerless  but  full  of  a  grim  excitement^ 
Across  the  street  from  the  small,  poorly  lighted  rail 
way  station  there  was  an  eating-house.  Leaving  the 
car  in  the  shelter  of  a  freight  shed,  we  sloshed  through 
the  shiny  rivulet  that  raced  between  the  curbs  and  en 
tered  the  clean,  unpretentious  little  restaurant. 

There  was  a  rousing  smell  of  roasted  coffee  per 
vading  the  place.  A  sleepy  German  waiter  first  came 
up  and  glanced  sullenly  at  the  mud-tracks  we  left  upon 
the  floor ;  then  he  allowed  his  insulting  gaze  to  trail  our 
progress  to  the  lunch  counter  by  means  of  a  perfect 
torrent  of  rain-water  drippings.  He  went  out  of  the 
room  grumbling,  to  return  a  moment  later  with  a  huge 
mop.  Thereupon  he  ordered  us  out  of  the  place,  stand 
ing  ready  with  the  mop  to  begin  the  cleansing  process 
the  instant  we  vacated  the  stools.  It  was  quite  clear 
to  both  of  us  that  he  wanted  to  begin  operations  at  the 
exact  spot  where  we  were  standing. 

"  Coffee  for  two,"  said  I,  in  German.  To  me  any 
thing  uttered  in  the  German  language  sounds  gruff 
and  belligerent,  no  matter  how  gentle  its  meaning. 
That  amiable  sentence :  "  Ich  liebe  dich  "  is  no  excep 
tion  ;  to  me  it  sounds  relentless.  I  am  confident  that  I 
asked  for  coffee  in  a  very  mild  and  ingratiating  tone,  in 
direct  contrast  to  his  command  to  get  out,  and  was 

somewhat  ruffled  by  his  stare  of  speechless  rage. 

269 


270  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Zwei,"  said  Britton,  pointing  to  the  big  coffee 
urn. 

The  fellow  began  mopping  around  my  feet  —  in 
fact,  he  went  so  far  as  to  mop  the  tops  of  them  and  a 
little  way  up  my  left  leg  in  his  efforts  to  make  a  good, 
clean  job  of  it. 

"  Stop  that !  "  I  growled,  kicking  at  the  mop.  Be 
fore  I  could  get  my  foot  back  on  the  floor  he  skilfully 
swabbed  the  spot  where  it  had  been  resting,  a  feat  of 
celerity  that  I  have  never  seen  surpassed.  "  Damn  it, 
don't ! "  I  roared,  backing  away.  The  resolute  mop 
followed  me  like  the  spectre  of  want.  Fascinated,  I 
found  myself  retreating  to  the  doorway. 

Britton,  resourceful  fellow,  put  an  end  to  his  en 
deavours  by  jumping  upon  the  mop  and  pinning  it  to 
the  floor  very  much  as  he  would  have  stamped  upon  a 
wounded  rat. 

The  fellow  called  out  lustily  to  some  one  in  the 
kitchen,  at  the  same  time  giving  the  mop  handle  a 
mighty  jerk.  If  you  are  expecting  me  to  say  that  Brit 
ton  came  to  woe,  you  are  doomed  to  disappointment. 
It  was  just  the  other  way  about.  Just  as  the  prodi 
gious  yank  took  place,  my  valet  hopped  nimbly  from 
the  mop,  and  the  waiter  sat  down  with  a  stunning 
thud. 

I  do  not  know  what  might  have  ensued  had  not  the 
proprietress  of  the  place  appeared  at  that  instant, 
coming  from  the  kitchen.  She  was  the  cook  as  well, 
and  she  was  large  enough  to  occupy  the  space  of  at 
least  three  Brittons.  She  was  huge  beyond  descrip 
tion. 

"  Wass  iss  ?  "  she  demanded,  pausing  aghast.  Her 
voice  was  a  high,  belying  treble. 

I  shall   not   attempt  to  describe  in  detail  all  that 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  271 

followed.  It  is  only  necessary  to  state  that  she  re 
moved  the  mop  from  the  hands  of  the  quaking  menial 
and  fairly  swabbed  him  out  into  the  thick  of  the  rain 
storm. 

While  we  were  drinking  our  hot,  steaming  coffee  and 
gorging  ourselves  with  frankfurters,  the  poor  wretch 
stood  under  the  eaves  with  his  face  glued  to  the  window, 
looking  in  at  us  with  mournful  eyes  while  the  drippings 
from  the  tiles  poured  upon  his  shoulders  and  ran  in 
rivulets  down  his  neck.  I  felt  so  sorry  for  him  that  I 
prevailed  upon  the  muttering,  apologetic  hostess  to 
take  him  in  again.  She  called  him  in  as  she  might  have 
called  a  dog,  and  he  edged  his  way  past  her  with  the 
same  scared,  alert  look  in  his  eyes  that  one  always  sees 
in  those  of  an  animal  that  has  its  tail  between  its  legs. 

She  explained  that  he  was  her  nephew,  just  off  the 
farm.  Her  sister's  son,  she  said,  and  naturally  not  as 
intelligent  as  he  ought  to  be. 

While  we  were  sitting  there  at  the  counter,  a  train 
roared  past  the  little  station.  We  rushed  to  the  door 
in  alarm.  But  it  shot  through  at  the  rate  of  fifty 
miles  an  hour.  I  looked  at  my  watch.  It  still  wanted 
half-an-hour  of  train  time,  according  to  the  schedule. 

"  It  was  the  express,  mem  herr,"  explained  the 
woman.  "  It  never  stops.  We  are  too  small  yet. 
Some  time  we  may  be  big  enough."  I  noticed  that  her 
eyes  were  fixed  in  some  perplexity  on  the  old  clock 
above  the  pie  shelves.  "  Ach !  But  it  has  never  been 
so  far  ahead  of  time  as  to-night.  It  is  not  due  for 
fifteen  minutes  yet,  and  here  it  is  gone  yet." 

"  Perhaps  your  clock  is  slow,"  I  said.  "  My  watch 
says  four  minutes  to  twelve." 

Whereupon  she  heaped  a  tirade  of  abuse  upon  the 
shrinking  Hans  for  letting  the  clock  lose  ten  minutes 


272  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

of  her  valuable  time.  To  make  sure,  Hans  set  it  for 
ward  nearly  half  an  hour  while  she  was  looking  the 
other  way.  Then  he  began  mopping  the  floor  again. 

At  half-past  twelve  the  train  from  Munich  drew  up 
at  the  station,  panted  awhile  in  evident  disdain,  and 
then  moved  on. 

A  single  passenger  alighted:  a  man  with  a  bass  viol. 
There  was  no  sign  of  the  Tituses! 

We  made  a  careful  and  extensive  search  of  the  sta 
tion,  the  platform  and  even  the  surrounding  neighbour 
hood,  but  it  was  quite  evident  that  they  had  not  left 
the  train.  Here  was  a  pretty  pass!  Britton,  how 
ever,  had  the  rather  preposterous  idea  that  there  might 
be  another  train  a  little  later  on.  It  did  not  seem  at 
all  likely,  but  we  made  inquiries  of  the  station  agent. 
To  my  surprise  —  and  to  Britton's  infernal  British 
delight  —  there  was  a  fast  train,  with  connections  from 
the  north,  arriving  in  half  an  hour.  It  was,  however, 
an  hour  late,  owing  to  the  storm. 

"Do  you  mean  that  it  will  arrive  at  two  o'clock?  " 
I  demanded  in  dismay. 

"  No,  no,"  said  the  guard ;  "  it  will  arrive  at  one 
but  not  until  two.  It  is  late,  mein  herr." 

We  dozed  in  the  little  waiting-room  for  what  I  con 
sider  to  be  the  longest  hour  I've  ever  known,  and  then 
hunted  up  the  guard  once  more.  He  blandly  informed 
me  that  it  was  still  an  hour  late. 

"  An  hour  from  now?  "  I  asked. 

"  An  hour  from  two,"  said  he,  pityingly.  What 
ignorant  lummixes  we  were! 

Just  ten  minutes  before  three  the  obliging  guard 
came  in  and  roused  us  from  a  mild  sleep. 

"  The   train   is    coming,   mein   herr." 

"  Thank  God !  " 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  273 

"  But  I  neglected  to  mention  that  it  is  an  express  and 
never  stops  here." 

My  right  hand  was  still  in  a  bandage,  but  it  was 
so  nearly  healed  that  I  could  have  used  it  without  dis 
comfort  —  (note  my  ability  to  drive  a  motor  car)  — 
and  it  was  with  the  greatest  difficulty  that  I  restrained 
a  mad,  devilish  impulse  to  strike  that  guard  full  upon 
the  nose,  from  which  the  raindrops  coursed  in  an  in 
terrupted  descent  from  the  visor  of  his  cap. 

The  shrill,  childish  whistle  of  the  locomotive 
reached  us  at  that  instant.  A  look  of  wonder  sprang 
into  the  eyes  of  the  guard. 

"  It  —  it  is  going  to  stop,  mein  herr,"  he  cried. 
"  Gott  in  himmel !  It  has  never  stopped  before."  He 
rushed  out  upon  the  platform  in  a  great  state  of  agi 
tation,  and  we  trailed  along  behind  him,  even  more  ex 
cited  than  he. 

It  was  still  raining,  but  not  so  hard.  The  glare  of 
the  headlight  was  upon  us  for  an  instant  and  then, 
passing,  left  us  in  blinding  darkness.  The  brakes 
creaked,  the  wheels  grated  and  at  last  the  train  came 
to  a  standstill.  For  one  horrible  moment  I  thought  it 
was  going  on  through  in  spite  of  its  promissory  signal. 
Britton  went  one  way  and  I  the  other,  with  our  um 
brellas  ready.  Up  and  down  the  line  of  wagon  lits 
we  raced.  A  conductor  stepped  down  from  the  last 
coach  but  one,  and  prepared  to  assist  a  passenger  to 
alight.  I  hastened  up  to  him. 

"  Permit  me,"  I  said,  elbowing  him  aside. 

A  portly  lady  squeezed  through  the  vestibule  and 
felt  her  way  carefully  down  the  steps.  Behind  her  was 
a  smallish,  bewhiskered  man,  trying  to  raise  an  um 
brella  inside  the  narrow  corridor,  a  perfectly  impossible 
feat. 


274  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

She  came  down  into  my  arms  with  the  limpness  of  one 
who  is  accustomed  to  such  attentions,  and  then  wheeled 
instantly  upon  the  futile  individual  on  the  steps  above. 

"  Quick !  My  hat !  Heaven  preserve  us,  how  it 
rains ! "  she  cried,  in  a  deep,  wheezy  voice  and  —  in 
German ! 

"  Moth  — "  I  began  insinuatingly,  but  the  sacred 
word  died  unfinished  on  my  lips.  The  next  instant  I 
was  scurrying  down  the  platform  to  where  I  saw  Brit- 
ton  standing. 

"  Have  you  seen  them?  "  I  shouted  wildly. 

"  No,  sir.     Not  a  sign,  sir.     Ah !     See !  " 

He  pointed  excitedly  down  the  platform. 

"  No !  "  I  rasped  out.  "  By  no  possible  stretch  of 
the  imagination  can  that  be  Mrs.  Titus.  Come!  We 
must  ask  the  conductor.  That  woman?  Good  Lord, 
Britton,  she  waddles!  '* 

The  large  lady  and  the  smallish  man  passed  us  on 
the  way  to  shelter,  the  latter  holding  an  umbrella  over 
her  hat  with  one  hand  and  lugging  a  heavy  hamper  in 
the  other.  They  were  both  exclaiming  in  German. 
The  station  guard  and  the  conductor  were  bowing 
and  scraping  in  their  wake,  both  carrying  boxes  and 
bundles. 

No  one  else  had  descended  from  the  train.  I  grabbed 
the  conductor  by  the  arm. 

"  Any  one  else  getting  off  here  ?  "  I  demanded  in 
English  and  at  once  repeated  it  in  German. 

He  shook  himself  loose,  dropped  the  bags  in  the 
shelter  of  the  station  house,  doffed  his  cap  to  the  im 
perious  backs  of  his  late  passengers,  and  scuttled  back 
to  the  car.  A  moment  later  the  train  was  under  way. 

"  Can  you  not  see  for  yourself?  "  he  shouted  from 
the  steps  as  he  passed  me  by. 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  275 

Once  more  I  swooped  down  upon  the  guard.  He 
was  stuffing  the  large  German  lady  into  a  small,  lop 
sided  carriage,  the  driver  of  which  was  taking  off  his 
cap  and  putting  it  on  again  after  the  manner  of  a 
mechanical  toy. 

"  Go  away,"  hissed  the  guard  angrily.  "  This  is 
the  Mayor  and  the  Mayoress.  Stand  aside!  Can't 
you  see?  " 

Presently  the  Mayor  and  the  Mayoress  were  snugly 
stowed  away  in  the  creaking  hack,  and  it  rattled  away 
over  the  cobblestones. 

"  When  does  the  next  train  get  in  ?  "  I  asked  for 
the  third  time.  He  was  still  bowing  after  the  depart 
ing  hack. 

"Eh?     The  next?     Oh,  mein  herr,  is  it  you?" 

"  Yes,  it  is  still  I.     Is  there  another  train  soon  ?  " 

"  That  was  Mayor  Berg  and  his  wife,"  he  said,  tak 
ing  off  his  cap  again  in  a  sort  of  ecstasy.  "  The  ex 
press  stops  for  him,  eh?  Ha!  It  stops  for  no  one 
else  but  our  good  Mayor.  When  he  commands  it  to 
stop  it  stops  — " 

"  Answer  my  question,"  I  thundered,  "  or  I  shall  re 
port  you  to  the  Mayor ! " 

"  Ach,  Gott !  "  he  gasped.  Collecting  his  thoughts, 
he  said :  "  There  is  no  train  until  nine  o'clock  in  the 
morning.  Nine,  mein  herr." 

"Ach,  Gott!"  groaned  I.     "Are  you  sure?" 

"  Jah !  You  can  go  home  now  and  go  to  bed,  sir. 
There  will  be  no  train  until  nine  and  I  will  not  be  on 
duty  then.  Good  night !  " 

Britton  led  me  into  the  waiting-room,  where  I  sat 
down  and  glared  at  him  as  if  he  were  to  blame  for 
everything  connected  with  our  present  plight. 

"  I  daresay  we'd  better  be  starting  'ome,  sir,"  said 


276  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

he  timidly.  "  Something  'as  gone  wrong  with  the 
plans,  I  fear.  They  did  not  come,  sir." 

"  Do  you  think  I  am  blind?  "  I  roared. 

"  Not  at  all,  sir,"  he  said  in  haste,  taking  a  step  or 
two  backward. 

Inquiries  at  the  little  eating-house  only  served  to 
verify  the  report  of  the  station-guard.  There  would 
be  no  train  before  nine  o'clock,  and  that  was  a  very 
slow  one ;  what  we  would  call  a  "  local "  in  the  States. 
Sometimes,  according  to  the  proprietress,  it  was  so 
slow  that  it  didn't  get  in  at  all.  It  had  been  known  to 
amble  in  as  late  as  one  in  the  afternoon,  but  when  it 
happened  to  be  later  than  that  it  ceased  to  have  an 
identity  of  its  own  and  came  in  as  a  part  of  the  two 
o'clock  train.  Moreover,  it  carried  nothing  but  third- 
class  carriages  and  more  often  than  not  it  had  as  many 
as  a  dozen  freight  cars  attached. 

There  was  not  the  slightest  probability  that  the 
fastidious  Mrs.  Titus  would  travel  by  such  a  train,  so 
we  were  forced  to  the  conclusion  that  something  had 
gone  wrong  with  the  plans.  Very  dismally  we  prepared 
for  the  long  drive  home. 

What  could  have  happened  to  upset  the  well-arranged 
plan?  Were  Tarnowsy's  spies  so  hot  upon  the  trail 
that  it  was  necessary  for  her  to  abandon  the  attempt 
to  enter  my  castle?  In  that  case,  she  must  have  sent 
some  sort  of  a  message  to  her  daughter,  apprising  her 
of  the  unexpected  change ;  a  message  which,  unhappily 
for  me,  arrived  after  my  departure.  It  was  not  likely 
that  she  would  have  altered  her  plans  without  letting  us 
know,  and  yet  I  could  not  shake  off  an  exasperating 
sense  of  doubt.  If  I  were  to  believe  all  that  Bangs 
said  about  the  excellent  lady,  it  would  not  be  unlike 
her  to  do  quite  as  she  pleased  in  the  premises  without 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  277 

pausing  to  consider  the  comfort  or  the  convenience  of 
any  one  else  interested  in  the  undertaking.  A  selfish 
desire  to  spend  the  day  in  Lucerne  might  have  over 
taken  her  en  passant,  and  the  rest  of  us  could  go  hang 
for  all  that  she  cared  about  consequences ! 

I  am  ashamed  to  confess  that  the  longer  I  consid 
ered  the  matter,  the  more  plausible  this  view  of  the 
situation  appeared  to  me.  By  the  time  we  succeeded 
in  starting  the  engine,  after  cranking  for  nearly  half 
an  hour,  I  was  so  consumed  by  wrath  over  the  scurvy 
trick  she  had  played  upon  us  that  I  swore  she  should 
not  enter  my  castle  if  I  could  prevent  it ;  moreover,  I 
would  take  fiendish  delight  in  dumping  her  confounded 
luggage  into  the  Danube. 

I  confided  my  views  to  Britton  who  was  laboriously 
cranking  the  machine  and  telling  me  between  grunts 
that  the  "  bloody  water  'ad  got  into  it,"  and  we  both 
resorted  to  painful  but  profound  excoriations  without 
in  the  least  departing  from  our  relative  positions  as 
master  and  man:  he  swore  about  one  abomination 
and  I  another,  but  the  gender  was  undeviatingly  the 
same. 

We  also  had  trouble  with  the  lamps. 

At  last  we  were  off,  Britton  at  the  wheel.  I  shall 
not  describe  that  diabolical  trip  home.  It  is  only  nec 
essary  to  say  that  we  first  lost  our  way  and  went  ten 
or  twelve  kilometers  in  the  wrong  direction ;  then  we 
had  a  blow-out  and  no  quick-detachable  rim ;  subse 
quently  something  went  wrong  with  the  mud-caked  ma 
chinery  and  my  unfortunate  valet  had  to  lie  on  his  back 
in  a  puddle  for  half  an  hour;  eventually  we  sneaked 
into  the  garage  with  our  trembling  Mercedes,  and 
quarrelled  manfully  with  the  men  who  had  to  wash  her. 

"  Great  heaven,  Britton !  "  I  groaned,  stopping  short 


278  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

in  my  sloshy  progress  down  the  narrow  street  that  led 
to  the  ferry. 

He  looked  at  me  in  astonishment.  I  admit  that  the 
ejaculation  must  have  sounded  weak  and  effeminate  to 
him  after  what  had  gone  before. 

"  What  is  it,  sir?  "  he  asked,  at  once  resuming  his 
status  as  a  servant  after  a  splendid  hiatus  of  five  hours 
or  more  in  which  he  had  enjoyed  all  of  the  by-products 
of  equality. 

"  Poopendyke !  "  I  exclaimed,  aghast.  "  I  have  just 
thought  of  him.  The  poor  devil  has  been  waiting  for 
us  three  miles  up  the  river  since  midnight!  What  do 
you  think  of  that !  " 

"  No  such  luck,  sir,"  said  he,  grumpily. 

"  Luck !  You  heartless  rascal !  What  do  you  mean 
by  that?  " 

"  I  beg  pardon,  sir.  I  mean  to  say,  he  could  sit 
in  the  boat  'ouse  and  twiddle  'is  thumbs  at  the  elements, 
sir.  Trust  Mr.  Poopendyke  to  keep  out  of  the  rain." 

"  In  any  event,  he  is  still  waiting  there  for  us,  wet  or 
dry.  He  and  the  two  big  Schmicks."  I  took  a  mo 
ment  for  thought.  "  We  must  telephone  to  the  castle 
and  have  Hawkes  send  Conrad  out  with  word  to  them." 
I  looked  at  my  watch.  It  was  twenty  minutes  past 
seven.  "  I  suppose  no  one  in  the  castle  went  to  bed 
last  night.  Good  Lord,  what  a  scene  for  a  farce ! " 

We  retraced  our  steps  to  the  garage,  where  Britton 
went  to  the  telephone.  I  stood  in  the  doorway  of  the 
building,  staring  gloomily,  hollow-eyed  at  the  —  well, 
at  nothing,  now  that  I  stop  to  think  of  it.  The  man 
ager  of  the  place,  an  amiable,  jocund  descendant  of 
Lazarus,  approached  me. 

"  Quite  a  storm  last  night,  Mr.  Schmarck,"  he  said, 
rubbing  his  hands  on  an  oil-rag.  I  gruffly  agreed  with 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  279 

him  in  a  monosyllable.  "  But  it  is  lovely  to-day,  sir. 
Heavenly,  sir." 

"Heavenly?"  I  gasped. 

"  Ah,  but  look  at  the  glorious  sun,"  he  cried,  waving 
the  oil-rag  in  all  directions  at  once. 

The  sun !  Upon  my  word,  the  sun  was  shining 
fiercely.  I  hadn't  noticed  it  before.  The  tops  of  the 
little  red-tiled  houses  down  the  street  glistened  in  the 
glare  of  sunshine  that  met  my  gaze  as  I  looked  up  at 
them.  Suddenly  I  remembered  that  I  had  witnessed  the 
sunrise,  a  most  doleful,  dreary  phenomenon  that  over 
took  us  ten  miles  down  the  valley.  I  had  seen  it  but 
it  had  made  no  impression  on  my  tortured  mind.  The 
great  god  of  day  had  sprung  up  out  of  the  earth  to 
smile  upon  me  —  or  at  me  —  and  I  had  let  him  go  un 
noticed,  so  black  and  desolate  was  the  memory  of  the 
night  he  destroyed !  I  had  only  a  vague  recollection  of 
the  dawn.  The  thing  that  caused  me  the  most  con 
cern  was  the  discovery  that  we  had  run  the  last  half  of 
our  journey  in  broad  daylight  with  our  acetylene  lamps 
going  full  blast.  I  stared  at  the  tiles,  blinking  and 
unbelieving. 

"  Well,  I'm  —  dashed,"  I  said,  with  a  silly  grin. 

"  The  moon  will  shine  to-night,  Mr.  Schmarck  — "  he 
began  insinuatingly. 

"  Smart,  if  you  please,"  I  snapped. 

"  Ah,"  he  sighed,  rolling  his  eyes,  "  it  is  fine  to  be 
in  love." 

A  full  minute  passed  before  I  grasped  the  meaning 
of  that  soft  answer,  and  then  it  was  too  late.  He  had 
gone  about  his  business  without  waiting  to  see  whether 
my  wrath  had  been  turned  away.  I  had  been  joy-rid 
ing! 

The  excitement  in  Britton's   usually  imperturbable 


280  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

countenance  as  he  came  running  up  to  me  from  the  tele 
phone  closet  prepared  me  in  a  way  for  the  startling 
news  that  was  to  come. 

"  Has  anything  serious  happened  ?  "  I  cried,  my 
heart  sinking  a  little  lower. 

"  I  had  Mr.  Poopendyke  himself  on  the  wire,  sir. 
What  do  you  think,  sir?  " 

A  premonition!  "She  —  she  has  arrived?"  I  de 
manded  dully. 

He  nodded.  "  She  'as,  sir.  Mrs. —  your  mother, 
sir,  is  in  your  midst."  The  proximity  of  the  inquisitive 
manager  explains  this  extraordinary  remark  on  the 
part  of  my  valet.  We  both  glared  at  the  manager  and 
he  had  the  delicacy  to  move  away.  "  She  arrived  by  a 
special  train  at  twelve  lawst  night,  sir." 

I  was  speechless.  The  brilliant  sunshine  seemed  to 
be  turning  into  sombre  night  before  my  eyes ;  every 
thing  was  going  black. 

"  She's  asleep,  he  says,  and  doesn't  want  to  be  dis 
turbed  till  noon,  so  he  says  he  can't  say  anything  more 
just  now  over  the  telephone  because  he's  afraid  of 
waking  'er."  (Britton  drops  them  when  excited.) 

"  He  doesn't  have  to  shout  so  loud  that  he  can  be 
heard  on  the  top  floor,"  said  I,  still  a  trifle  dazed. 

"  She  'appens  to  be  sleeping  in  your  bed,  sir,  he 
says." 

"  In  my  bed  ?  Good  heavens,  Britton !  What's  to 
become  of  me?  " 

"  Don't  take  it  so  'ard,  sir,"  he  made  haste  to  say. 
"  Blatchford  'as  fixed  a  place  for  you  on  the  couch  in 
your  study,  sir.  It's  all  very  snug,  sir." 

"  But,  Britton,"  I  said  in  horror,  "  suppose  that  I 

should  have  come  home  last  night.     Don't  you  see?" 

"  I  daresay  she  'ad  the  door  locked,  sir,"  he  said. 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  281 

"  By  special  train,"  I  mumbled.  A  light  broke  in 
upon  my  reviving  intellect.  "  Why,  it  was  the  train 
that  went  through  at  a  mile  a  minute  while  we  were  in 
the  coffee-house.  No  wonder  we  didn't  meet  her !  " 

"  I  shudder  to  think  of  wot  would  'ave  'appened  if 
we  had,  sir,"  said  he,  meaning  no  doubt  to  placate  me. 
"  Mr.  Poopendyke  says  the  Countess  'as  been  up  all 
night  worrying  about  you,  sir.  She  has  been  dis 
tracted.  She  wanted  'im  to  go  out  and  search  for  you 
at  four  o'clock  this  morning,  but  he  says  he  assured 
'er  you'd  turn  up  all  right.  He  says  Mrs. —  the  elderly 
lady,  begging  your  pardon,  sir, —  thought  she  was  do 
ing  for  the  best  when  she  took  a  special.  She  wanted 
to  save  us  all  the  trouble  she  could.  He  says  she  was 
very  much  distressed  by  our  failure  to  'ave  some  one 
meet  her  with  a  launch  when  she  got  here  last  night,  sir. 
As  it  was,  she  didn't  reach  the  castle  until  nearly  one, 
and  she  looked  like  a  drowned  rat  when  she  got  there, 
being  hex  —  exposed  to  a  beastly  rainstorm.  See  wot 
I  mean?  She  went  to  bed  in  a  dreadful  state,  he  says, 
but  he  thinks  she'll  be  more  pleasant  before  the  day  is 
over." 

I  burst  into  a  fit  of  laughter.  "  Hurray ! "  I 
shouted,  exultantly.  "  So  she  was  out  in  it  too,  eh? 
Well,  by  Jove,  I  don't  feel  half  as  badly  as  I  did  five 
minutes  ago.  Come!  Let  us  be  off." 

We  started  briskly  down  the  street.  My  spirits  were 
beginning  to  rebound.  Poopendyke  had  said  that  she 
worried  all  night  about  me!  She  had  been  distracted! 
Poor  little  woman !  Still  I  was  glad  to  know  that  she 
had  the  grace  to  sit  up  and  worry  instead  of  going  to 
sleep  as  she  might  have  done.  I  was  just  mean  enough 
to  be  happy  over  it. 

Poopendyke  met  us  on  the  town  side  of  the  river. 


282  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

He  seemed  a  trifle  haggard,  I  thought.  He  was  not 
slow,  on  the  other  hand,  to  announce  in  horror-struck 
tones  that  I  looked  like  a  ghost. 

"  You  must  get  those  wet  clothes  off  at  once,  Mr. 
Smart,  and  go  to  bed  with  a  hot  water  bottle  and  ten 
grains  of  quinine.  You'll  be  very  ill  if  you  don't. 
Put  a  lot  more  elbow  grease  into  those  oars,  Max. 
Get  a  move  on  you.  Do  you  want  Mr.  Smart  to  die 
of  pneumonia?  " 

While  we  were  crossing  the  muddy  river,  my  secre 
tary,  his  teeth  chattering  with  cold  and  excitement 
combined,  related  the  story  of  the  night. 

"  We  were  just  starting  off  for  the  boat-house  up 
the  river,  according  to  plans,  Max  and  Rudolph  and 
I  with  the  two  boats,  when  the  Countess  came  down  in  a 
mackintosh  and  a  pair  of  gum  boots  and  insisted  upon 
going  along  with  us.  She  said  it  wasn't  fair  to  make 
you  do  all  the  work,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  and  I 
was  having  the  devil's  own  time  to  induce  her  to  go  back 
to  the  castle  with  Mr.  Bangs.  While  we  were  arguing 
with  her, —  and  it  was  getting  so  late  that  I  feared  we 
wouldn't  be  in  time  to  meet  you, —  we  heard  some  one 
shouting  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  river.  The  voice 
sounded  something  like  Britton's,  and  the  Countess 
insisted  that  there  had  'been  an  accident  and  that  you 
were  hurt,  Mr.  Smart,  and  nothing  would  do  but  we 
must  send  Max  and  Rudolph  over  to  see  what  the 
trouble  was.  It  was  raining  cats  and  dogs,  and  I 
realised  that  it  would  be  impossible  for  you  to  get 
a  boatman  on  that  side  at  that  hour  of  the  night, —  it 
was  nearly  one, —  so  I  sent  the  two  Schmicks  across. 
I've  never  seen  a  night  as  dark  as  it  was.  The  two  lit 
tle  lanterns  bobbing  in  the  boat  could  hardly  be  seen 
through  the  torrents  of  rain,  and  it  was  next  to  im- 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  283 

possible  to  see  the  lights  on  the  opposite  landing  stage 
—  just  a  dull,  misty  glow. 

"  To  make  the  story  short,  Mrs.  Titus  and  her  sons 
were  over  there,  with  absolutely  no  means  of  crossing 
the  river.  There  were  no  boatmen,  the  ferry  had 
stopped,  and  they  were  huddled  under  the  eaves  of  the 
wharf  building.  Everything  was  closed  and  locked  up 
for  the  night.  The  night-watchman  and  a  policeman 
lit  the  pier  lamps  for  them,  but  that's  as  far  as  they'd 
go.  It  took  two  trips  over  to  fetch  the  whole  party 
across.  Raining  pitchforks  all  the  time,  you  under 
stand.  Mrs.  Titus  was  foaming  at  the  mouth  because 
you  don't  own  a  yacht  or  at  least  a  launch  with  a 
canopy  top,  or  a  limousine  body,  or  something  of  the 
sort. 

"I  didn't  have  much  of  a  chance. to  converse  with 
her.  The  Countess  tried  to  get  her  upstairs  in  the  east 
wing  but  she  wouldn't  climb  another  step.  I  forgot  to 
mention  that  the  windlass  was  out  of  order  and  she  had 
to  climb  the  hill  in  mud  six  inches  deep.  The  Schmicks 
carried  her  the  last  half  of  the  distance.  She  insisted 
on  sleeping  in  the  hall  or  the  study, —  anywhere  but  up 
stairs.  I  assumed  the  responsibility  of  putting  her  in 
your  bed,  sir.  It  was  either  that  or  — " 

I  broke  in  sarcastically :  "  You  couldn't  have  put  her 
into  your  bed,  I  suppose." 

"  Not  very  handily,  Mr.  Smart,"  he  said  in  an  injured 
voice.  "  One  of  her  sons  occupied  my  bed.  Of  course, 
it  was  all  right,  because  I  didn't  intend  to  go  to  bed,  as 
it  happened.  The  older  son  went  upstairs  with  the 
Countess.  She  gave  up  her  bed  to  him,  and  then  she 
and  I  sat  up  all  night  in  the  study  waiting  for  a  tele 
phone  message  from  you.  The  younger  son  explained 
a  good  many  things  to  us  that  his  mother  absolutely  re- 


284  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

fused  to  discuss,  she  was  so  mad  when  she  got  here.  It 
seems  she  took  it  into  her  head  at  the  last  minute  to 
charter  a  special  train,  but  forgot  to  notify  us  of  the 
switch  in  the  plans.  She  travelled  by  the  regular  train 
from  Paris  to  some  place  along  the  line,  where  she  got 
out  and  waited  for  the  special  which  was  following 
along  behind,  straight  through  from  Paris,  too.  A 
woeful  waste  of  money,  it  seemed  to  me.  Her  idea  was 
to  throw  a  couple  of  plain-clothes  men  off  the  track, 
and,  by  George,  sir,  she  succeeded.  They  thought  she 
was  changing  from  a  train  to  some  place  in  Switzerland, 
and  went  off  to  watch  the  other  station.  Then  she 
sneaked  aboard  the  special,  which  was  chartered  clear 
through  to  Vienna.  See  how  clever  she  is?  If  they 
followed  on  the  next  train,  or  telegraphed,  it  would 
naturally  be  to  Vienna.  She  got  off  at  this  place  and 
—  well,  we  have  her  with  us,  sir,  as  snug  as  a  bug  in  a 
rug." 

"  What  is  she  like,  Fred?  "  I  inquired.  I  confess 
that  I  hung  on  his  reply. 

"  I  have  never  seen  a  wet  hen,  but  I  should  say,  on  a 
guess,  that  she's  a  good  bit  like  one.  Perhaps  when 
she's  thoroughly  dried  out  she  may  not  be  so  bad,  but 
— "  He  drew  a  long,  deep  breath.  "  But,  upon  my 
word  of  honour,  she  was  the  limit  last  night.  Of  course 
one  couldn't  expect  her  to  be  exactly  gracious,  with  her 
hair  plastered  over  her  face  and  her  hat  spoiled  and  her 
clothes  soaked,  but  there  was  really  no  excuse  for  some 
of  the  things  she  said  to  me.  I  shall  overlook  them  for 
your  sake  and  for  the  Countess's."  He  was  painfully 
red  in  the  face. 

"  The  conditions,  Fred,"  I  said,  "  were  scarcely  con 
ducive  to  polite  persiflage." 

"  But,  hang  it  all,  I  was  as  wet  as  she  was,"  he  ex- 


I  TRAVERSE  THE  NIGHT  285 

ploded,  so  violently  that  I  knew  his  soul  must  have  been 
tried  to  the  utmost. 

"  We  must  try  to  make  the  best  of  it,"  I  said.  "  It 
will  not  be  for  long."  The  thought  of  it  somehow  sent 
my  heart  back  to  its  lowest  level. 

He  was  glum  and  silent  for  a  few  minutes.  Then  he 
said,  as  if  the  thought  had  been  on  his  mind  for  some 
hours :  "  She  isn't  a  day  over  forty-five.  It  doesn't 
seem  possible,  with  a  six-foot  son  twenty-six  years  old." 

Grimly  I  explained.  "  They  marry  quite  young 
when  it's  for  money,  Fred." 

"  I  suppose  that's  it,"  he  sighed.  "  I  fancy  she's 
handsome,  too,  when  she  hasn't  been  rained  upon." 

We  were  half  way  up  the  slope  when  he  announced 
nervously  that  all  of  my  dry  clothing  was  in  the  closet 
off  my  bedroom  and  could  not  be  got  at  under  any 
circumstance. 

"  But,"  he  said,  "  I  have  laid  out  my  best  frock  coat 
and  trousers  for  you,  and  a  complete  change  of  linen. 
You  are  quite  welcome  to  anything  I  possess,  Mr. 
Smart.  I  think  if  you  take  a  couple  of  rolls  at  the 
bottom  of  the  trousers,  they'll  be  presentable.  The 
coat  may  be  a  little  long  for  you,  but  — " 

My  loud  laughter  cut  him  short. 

"  It's  the  best  I  could  do,"  he  said  in  an  aggrieved 
voice. 

I  had  a  secret  hope  that  the  Countess  would  be  in  the 
courtyard  to  welcome  me,  but  I  was  disappointed.  Old 
Gretel  met  me  and  wept  over  me,  as  if  I  was  not  already 
sufficiently  moist.  The  chef  came  running  out  to  say 
that  breakfast  would  be  ready  for  me  when  I  desired  it ; 
Blatchford  felt  of  my  coat  sleeve  and  told  me  that  I 
was  quite  wet ;  Hawkes  had  two  large,  steaming  toddies 
waiting  for  us  in  the  vestibule,  apparently  fearing  that 


286  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

we  could  get  no  farther  without  the  aid  of  a  stimulant. 
But  there  was  no  sign  of  a  single  Titus. 

Later  I  ventured  forth  in  Poopendyke's  best  suit  of 
clothes  —  the  one  he  uses  when  he  passes  the  plate  on 
Sundays  in  far-away  Yonkers.  It  smelled  of  moth-balls, 
but  it  was  gloriously  dry,  so  why  carp !  We  sneaked 
down  the  corridor  past  my  own  bedroom  door  and 
stole  into  the  study. 

Just  inside  the  door,  I  stopped  in  amazement.  The 
Countess  was  sound  asleep  in  my  big  armchair,  a  for 
lorn  but  lovely  thing  in  a  pink  peignoir.  Her  rumpled 
brown  hair  nestled  in  the  angle  of  the  chair ;  her  hands 
drooped  listlessly  at  her  sides ;  dark  lashes  lay  upon 
the  soft  white  cheeks;  her  lips  were  parted  ever  so 
slightly,  and  her  bosom  rose  and  fell  in  the  long  swell  of 
perfect  repose. 

Poopendyke  clutched  me  by  the  arm  and  drew  me 
toward  the  door,  or  I  might  have  stood  there  transfixed 
for  heaven  knows  hcr.y  long. 

"  She's  asleep,"  he  whispered. 

It  was  the  second  time  in  twelve  hours  that  some  one 
had  intimated  that  I  was  blind. 


CHAPTER    XVI 

I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE 

THE  door  creaked  villainously.  The  gaunt,  ecclesias 
tical  tails  of  my  borrowed  frock  coat  were  on  the  verge 
of  being  safely  outside  with  me  when  she  cried  out. 
Whereupon  I  swiftly  transposed  myself,  and  stuck  my 
head  through  the  half-open  door. 

"  Oh,  it's  you !  "  she  cried,  in  a  quavery  voice.  She 
was  leaning  forward  in  the  chair,  her  eyes  wide  open 
and  eager. 

I  advanced  into  the  room.  A  look  of  doubt  sprang 
into  her  face.  She  stared  for  a  moment  and  then  rather 
piteously  rubbed  her  eyes. 

"  Yes,  it  is  I,"  said  I,  spreading  my  arms  in  such  a 
way  that  my  hands  emerged  from  the  confines  of  Poop- 
endyke's  sleeves.  (Upon  my  word,  I  had  no  idea  that 
he  was  so  much  longer  than  I!)  "  It  is  still  I,  Count 
ess,  despite  the  shrinkage." 

"  The  shrinkage  ?  "  she  murmured,  slowly  sliding  out 
of  the  chair.  As  she  unbent  her  cramped  leg,  she  made 
a  little  grimace  of  pain,  but  smiled  as  she  limped  toward 
me,  her  hand  extended. 

"  Yes,  I  always  shrink  when  I  get  wet,"  I  explained, 
resorting  to  facetiousness. 

Then  I  bent  over  her  hand  and  kissed  it.  As  I 
neglected  to  release  it  at  once,  the  cuff  of  Poopendyke's 
best  coat  slid  down  over  our  two  hands,  completely 
enveloping  them.  It  was  too  much  for  me  to  stand.  I 
squeezed  her  hand  with  painful  fervour,  and  then  re 
leased  it  in  trepidation. 

287 


288  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Poopendyke  goes  to  church  in  it,"  I  said  vaguely, 
leaving  her  to  guess  what  it  was  that  PoopencTyke  went 
to  church  in,  or,  perhaps,  knowing  what  I  meant,  how  I 
happened  to  be  in  it  for  the  time  being.  "  You've  been 
crying ! " 

Her  eyes  were  red  and  suspiciously  moist. 

As  she  met  my  concerned  gaze,  a  wavering,  whimsical 
smile  crept  into  her  face. 

"  It  has  been  a  disgustingly  wet  night,"  she  said. 
"  Oh,  you  don't  know  how  happy  I  am  to  see  you  stand 
ing  here  once  more,  safe  and  sound,  and  —  and  amiable. 
I  expected  you  to  glower  and  growl  and  — " 

"  On  a  bright,  glorious,  sunshiny  morning  like  this?  " 
I  cried.  "  Never !  I  prefer  to  be  graciously  refulgent. 
Our  troubles  are  behind  us." 

"  How  good  you  are."  After  a  moment's  careful 
scrutiny  of  my  face :  "  I  can  see  the  traces  of  very 
black  thoughts,  Mr.  Smart, —  and  recent  ones." 

"  They  were  black  until  I  came  into  this  room,"  I 
confessed.  "  Now  they  are  rose-tinted." 

She  bent  her  slender  body  a  little  toward  me  and  the 
red  seemed  to  leap  back  into  her  lips  as  if  propelled  by 
magic.  Resolutely  I  put  my  awkward,  ungainly  arms 
behind  my  back,  and  straightened  my  figure.  I  was 
curiously  impressed  by  the  discovery  that  I  was  very, 
very  tall  and  she  very  much  smaller  than  my  memory 
recorded.  Of  course,  I  had  no  means  of  knowing  that 
she  was  in  bedroom  slippers  and  not  in  the  customary 
high-heeled  boots  that  gave  her  an  inch  and  a  half  of 
false  stature. 

"  Your  mother  is  here,"  I  remarked  hurriedly. 

She  glanced  toward  my  bedroom  door. 

"  Oh,  what  a  night !  "  she  sighed.  "  I  did  all  that  I 
could  to  keep  her  out  of  your  bed.  It  was  useless. 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      289 

I  did  cry,  Mr.  Smart.     I  know  you  must  hate  all  of  us.5* 

I  laughed.  "  '  Love  thy  neighbour  as  thyself,'  "  I 
quoted.  "  You  are  my  neighbour,  Countess ;  don't  for 
get  that.  And  it  so  happens  that  your  mother  is  also 
my  neighbour  at  present,  and  your  brothers  too.  Have 
you  any  cousins  and  aunts?  " 

"  I  can't  understand  how  any  one  can  be  so  good- 
natured  as  you,"  she  sighed. 

The  crown  of  her  head  was  on  a  level  with  my 
shoulder.  Her  eyes  were  lowered ;  a  faint  line  of  dis 
tress  grew  between  them.  For  a  minute  I  stared  down 
at  the  brown  crest  of  her  head,  an  almost  ungovernable 
impulse  pounding  away  at  my  sense  of  discretion.  I 
do  take  credit  unto  myself  for  being  strong  enough  to 
resist  that  opportunity  to  make  an  everlasting  idiot  of 
myself.  I  knew,  even  then,  that  if  a  similar  attack 
ever  came  upon  me  again  I  should  not  be  able  to  with 
stand  it.  It  was  too  much  to  expect  of  mortal  man. 
Angels  might  survive  the  test,  but  not  wingless  man. 

All  this  time  she  was  staring  rather  pensively  at  the 
second  button  from  the  top  of  Poopendyke's  coat,  and 
so  prolonged  and  earnest  was  her  gaze  that  I  looked 
down  in  some  concern,  at  the  same  time  permitting  my 
self  to  make  a  nervous,  jerky  and  quite  involuntary 
digital  examination  of  the  aforesaid  button.  She 
looked  up  with  a  nervous  little  laugh. 

"  I  shall  have  to  sew  one  on  right  there  for  poor  Mr. 
Poopendyke,"  she  said,  poking  her  finger  into  the  empty 
buttonhole.  "  You  dear  bachelors !  " 

Then  she  turned  swiftly  away  from  me,  and  glided 
over  to  the  big  armchair,  from  the  depths  of  which  she 
fished  a  small  velvet  bag.  Looking  over  her  shoulder, 
she  smiled  at  me. 

"  Please  look  the   other  way,"   she  said.     Without 


290  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

waiting  for  me  to  do  so,  she  took  out  a  little  gold 
box,  a  powder  puff,  and  a  stick  of  lip  rouge.  Cross 
ing  to  the  small  Florentine  morrir  that  hung  near  my 
desk,  she  proceeded,  before  my  startled  eyes,  to  repair 
the  slight  —  and  to  me  unnoticeable  —  damage  that 
had  been  done  to  her  complexion  before  the  sun  came 
up. 

"  Woman  works  in  a  mysterious  way,  my  friend,  her 
wonders  to  perform,"  she  paraphrased  calmly. 

"  No  matter  how  transcendently  beautiful  woman 
may  be,  she  always  does  that  sort  of  thing  to  herself, 
I  take  it,"  said  I. 

"  She  does,"  said  the  Countess  with  conviction.  She 
surveyed  herself  critically.  "  There !  And  now  I  am 
ready  to  accept  an  invitation  to  breakfast.  I  am  dis 
gustingly  hungry." 

"  And  so  am  I !  "  I  cried  with  enthusiasm.  "  Hurray ! 
You  shall  eat  Poopendyke's  breakfast,  just  to  penalise 
him  for  failing  in  his  duties  as  host  during  my  un 
avoidable  — " 

"  Quite  impossible,"  she  said.  "  He  has  already 
eaten  it." 

"He  has?" 

"  At  half -past  six,  I  believe.  He  announced  at  that 
ungodly  hour  that  if  he  couldn't  have  his  coffee  the  first 
thing  in  the  morning  he  would  be  in  for  a  headache  all 
day.  He  suggested  that  I  take  a  little  nap  and  have 
breakfast  with  you  —  if  you  succeeded  in  surviving  the 
night." 

"  Oh,  I  see,"  said  I  slowly.  "  He  knew  all  the  time 
that  you  were  napping  in  that  chair,  eh?  " 

"  You  shall  not  scold  him !  " 

"  I  shall  do  even  worse  than  that.  I  shall  pension  him 
for  life." 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE       291 

She  appeared  thoughtful.  A  little  frown1  of  annoy 
ance  clouded  her  brow. 

"  He  promised  faithfully  to  arouse  me  the  instant 
you  were  sighted  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  river.  I 
made  him  stand  in  the  window  with  a  field  glass.  No, 
on  second  thought,  /  shall  scold  him.  If  he  had  come 
to  the  door  and  shouted,  you  wouldn't  have  caught  me 
in  this  odious  dressing-gown.  Helene  — " 

"  It  is  most  fascinating,"  I  cried.  "  Adorable !  I 
love  flimsy,  pink  things.  They're  so  intimate.  And 
Poopendyke  knows  it,  bless  his  ingenuous  old  soul." 

I  surprised  a  queer  little  gleam  of  inquiry  in  her  eyes. 
It  flickered  for  a  second  and  died  out. 

"  Do  you  really  consider  him  an  ingenuous  old 
soul?  "  she  asked.  And  I  thought  there  was  something 
rather  metallic  in  her  voice.  I  might  have  replied 
with  intelligence  if  she  had  given  me  a  chance,  but 
for  some  reason  she  chose  to  drop  the  subject.  "You 
must  be  famished,  and  I  am  dying  to  hear  about  your 
experiences.  You  must  not  omit  a  single  detail. 
I—" 

There  came  a  gentle,  discreet  knocking  on  the  half- 
open  door.  I  started,  somewhat  guiltily. 

"Come!" 

Blatchford  poked  his  irreproachable  visage  through 
the  aperture  and  then  gravely  swung  the  door  wide 
open. 

"  Breakfast  is  served,  sir, —  your  ladyship.  I  beg 
pardon." 

I  have  never  seen  him  stand  so  faultlessly  rigid.  As 
we  passed  him  on  the  way  out  a  mean  desire  came  over 
me  to  tread  on  his  toes,  just  as  an  experiment.  I 
wondered  if  he  would  change  expression.  But  somehow 
I  felt  that  he  would  say  "  Thank  you,  sir,"  and  there 


292  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

would  be  no  satisfaction  in  knowing  that  he  had  had  all 
his  pains  for  nothing. 

I  shall  never  forget  that  enchanted  breakfast  — 
never !  Not  that  I  can  recall  even  vaguely  what  we  had 
to  eat,  or  who  served  it,  or  how  much  of  the  naked  truth 
I  related  to  her  in  describing  the  events  of  the  night; 
I  can  only  declare  that  it  was  a  singularly  light-hearted 
affair. 

At  half-past  one  o'clock  I  was  received  by  Mrs. 
Titus  in  my  own  study.  The  Countess  came  down  from 
her  eerie  abode  to  officiate  at  the  ceremonious  function 
—  if  it  may  be  so  styled  —  and  I  was  agreeably  sur 
prised  to  find  my  new  guest  in  a  most  amiable  frame 
of  mind.  True,  she  looked  me  over  with  what  seemed 
to  me  an  unnecessarily  and  perfectly  frank  stare  of 
curiosity,  but,  on  sober  reflection,  I  did  not  hold  it 
against  her.  I  was  still  draped  in  Poopendyke's  gar 
ments. 

At  first  sight  I  suppose  she  couldn't  quite  help 
putting  me  down  as  one  of  those  literary  freaks  who 
typify  intellect  without  intelligence. 

As  for  her  two  sons,  they  made  no  effort  to  disguise 
their  amazement.  (I  have  a  shocking  notion  that  the 
vowel  u  might  be  substituted  for  the  a  in  that  word  with 
out  loss  of  integrity !) 

The  elder  of  the  two  young  men,  Colingraft  Titus, 
who  being  in  the  business  with  his  father  in  New  York 
was  permitted  to  travel  most  of  the  time  so  that  he 
couldn't  interfere  with  it,  was  taller  than  I,  and  an 
extremely  handsome  chap  to  boot.  He  was  twenty-six. 
The  younger,  Jasper,  Jr.,  was  nineteen,  short  and  slight 
of  build,  with  the  merriest  eyes  I've  ever  seen.  I  didn't 
in  the  least  mind  the  grin  he  bestowed  upon  me  —  and 
preserved  with  staunch  fidelity  throughout  the  whole 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      293 

interview, —  but  I  resented  the  supercilious,  lordly 
scorn  of  his  elder  brother. 

Jasper,  I  learned,  was  enduring  a  protracted  leave 
of  absence  from  Yale ;  the  hiatus  between  his  freshman 
and  sophomore  years  already  covered  a  period  of  six 
teen  months,  and  he  had  a  tutor  who  appreciated  the 
buttery  side  of  his  crust. 

Mrs.  Titus,  after  thanking  me  warmly  —  and  I 
think  sincerely  —  for  all  that  I  had  done  for  Aline, 
apologised  in  a  perfunctory  sort  of  way  for  having 
kept  me  out  of  my  bed  all  night,  and  hoped  that  I 
wouldn't  catch  cold  or  have  an  attack  of  rheumatism. 

I  soon  awoke  to  the  fact  that  she  was  in  the  habit  of 
centralising  attention.  The  usually  volatile  Countess 
became  subdued  and  repressed  in  her  presence;  the  big 
son  and  the  little  one  were  respectfully  quiescent;  I 
confess  to  a  certain  embarrassment  myself. 

She  was  a  handsome  woman  with  a  young  figure,  a 
good  complexion,  clear  eyes,  wavy  brown  hair,  and  a 
rich,  low  voice  perfectly  modulated.  No  doubt  she  was 
nearing  fifty  but  thirty-five  would  have  been  your  guess, 
provided  you  were  a  bachelor.  A  bachelor  learns  some 
thing  about  women  every  day  of  his  life,  but  not  so 
much  that  he  cannot  be  surprised  the  day  after. 

I  endeavoured  to  set  her  mind  at  rest  by  politely  re 
minding  her  that  I  couldn't  have  slept  in  the  bed  any 
way,  having  been  out  all  night,  and  she  smilingly  as 
sured  me  that  it  was  a  relief  to  find  a  literary  man  who 
wasn't  forever  saying  flat  stupid  things. 

I  took  them  over  the  castle  —  that  is,  a  part  of  the 
castle.  Mrs.  Titus  wouldn't  climb  stairs.  She  con 
fessed  to  banting,  but  drew  the  line  at  anything  more 
exhausting.  I  fear  I  was  too  palpably  relieved  when 
.she  declined  to  go  higher  than  the  second  story. 


294  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  It  isn't  necessary,  Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  sweetly, 
"  to  go  into  the  history  of  the  wretched  Rothhoefens, 
as  a  Cook's  interpreter  might  do.  You  see,  I  know  the 
castle  quite  well  —  and  I  have  had  all  the  late  news 
from  my  daughter." 

"  Of  course !  "  I  agreed.  "  Stupid  of  me  not  to  re 
member  that  you  are  descended  from  — " 

"  Mother  isn't  half  as  stuck  up  about  it  as  you  might 
think,  Mr.  Smart,"  interrupted  Jasper,  Jr.,  glibly. 
"  She  prefers  to  let  people  think  her  ancestors  were 
Dutch  instead  of  merely  German.  Dutch  ancestors 
are  the  proper  thing  in  Jew  York." 

"  Jappie,"  said  his  mother  severely,  "  how  often  must 
I  caution  you  not  to  speak  of  New  York  as  Jew  York? 
Some  day  you  will  say  it  to  a  Jew.  One  can't  be  too 
careful.  Heaven  alone  knows  when  one  is  in  the  pres 
ence  of  a  Jew  in  these  days." 

"  Oh,  I'm  not  Hebraic,"  said  I  quickly.  "  My  an 
cestors  were  Dutch.  They  came  over  with  the  original 
skin  grafters." 

She  looked  puzzled  for  a  moment.  The  Countess 
laughed.  Then  Jasper  saw  the  point.  Colingraft 
was  the  last  to  see  it,  and  then  it  was  too  late  for  him  to 
smile. 

We  had  tea  in  the  loggia  and  I  dined  with  the  family 
in  the  Countess's  apartment  at  eight  that  night.  I 
think  Mrs.  Titus  was  rather  favourably  impressed  when 
she  beheld  me  in  my  own  raiment.  Britton  had 
smoothed  out  my  evening  clothes  until  they  almost 
shone,  and  I  managed  to  carry  myself  with  unusual 
buoyancy. 

Everything  went  very  well  that  evening.  We  were 
all  in  fine  humour  and  the  dinner  was  an  excellent  one. 
I  perpetrated  but  one  unhappy  blunder.  I  asked  Mrs. 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      295 

Titus  if  she  knew  the  Riley-Werkheimers  and  the  Rocks- 
worths  in  New  York. 

"  Visually,"  she  said  succinctly,  and  I  made  haste  to 
change  the  subject.  The  Countess  looked  amused,  and 
Colingraft  said  something  about  it  being  more  than 
likely  that  we  did  not  have  any  mutual  acquaintances 
in  New  York.  His  sister  came  to  my  rescue  with  a  very 
amusing  and  exaggerated  account  of  my  experience 
with  the  Riley-Werkheimers  and  Rocksworths.  Jasper 
was  enthusiastic.  Something  told  me  that  I  was  going 
to  like  him. 

My  real  troubles  began  the  next  day  —  and  at  the 
rather  unseemly  hour  of  eight  o'clock  in  the  morning. 
Colingraft  came  down  the  hall  in  a  bath-gown  and 
slippers,  banged  on  my  bedroom  door,  and  wanted  to 
know  why  the  devil  he  couldn't  have  hot  water  for  his 
bath.  He  was  too  full-blooded,  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing,  he  said,  to  take  a  cold  plunge.  Moreover,  he 
wasn't  used  to  taking  his  tub  in  a  tin-cup.  (That  was 
his  sarcastic  way  of  referring  to  my  portable,  handy 
bath-tub. )  I  asked  him  why  he  didn't  ring  for  Britton, 
and  he  said  he  did  but  that  Britton  was  assisting  Jasper 
in  a  wild  chase  for  a  bat  which  had  got  into  the  lad's 
room  during  the  night. 

"  Thank  your  lucky  stars  it  didn't  get  into  Mother's 
room,"  he  said  surlily.  I  silently  thanked  them. 

He  made  such  a  row  about  his  tub  that  I  had  to  give 
him  the  pail  of  hot  water  Britton  had  placed  in  my 
bedroom,  preparatory  to  my  own  bath. 

At  breakfast  Jasper  complained  about  the  bats. 
lie  couldn't  for  the  life  of  him  see  why  I  didn't  have 
screens  in  the  windows. 

Later  on  Mrs.  Titus,  who  had  coffee  and  toast  in  her 
room,  joined  us  in  the  loggia  and  announced  that  the 


296  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

coffee  was  stone  cold.  Moreover,  she  did  not  like  the 
guest-chamber  into  which  she  had  been  moved  by  order 
of  the  Countess.  It  was  too  huge  for  a  bed-chamber, 
and  the  iron  window  shutters  creaked  all  night  long. 

"  But  don't  you  love  the  view  you  have  of  the 
Danube?  "  I  queried,  rather  mournfully. 

"  I  don't  sit  in  the  window  all  night,  Mr.  Smart," 
she  said  tartly. 

I  at  once  insisted  on  her  resuming  possession  of  my 
bedroom,  and  promptly  had  all  of  my  things  moved  into 
the  one  she  had  occupied  during  the  night.  When  the 
Countess  heard  of  this  arrangement  she  was  most  in 
dignant.  She  got  me  off  in  a  corner  and  cruelly  in 
formed  me  that  I  hadn't  the  vestige  of  a  backbone. 
She  must  have  said  something  to  her  mother,  too,  for 
when  evening  came  around  I  had  to  move  back  into  my 
own  room,  Mrs.  Titus  sweetly  assuring  me  that  under  no 
consideration  would  she  consent  to  impose  upon  my 
good  nature  and  hospitality  to  such  an  extent,  etc., 
etc. 

During  the  day,  at  odd  times,  Colingraft  made  lofty 
suggestions  in  regard  to  what  could  be  done  with  the 
place  to  make  it  more  or  less  inhabitable,  and  Jasper, — 
who,  by  the  way,  I  was  beginning  to  fear  I  should  not 
like  after  all, —  said  he'd  just  like  to  have  a  whack  at  the 
thing  himself.  First  thing  he'd  do  would  be  to  turn 
some  of  those  old,  unused  rooms  into  squash  and  rac 
quet  courts,  and  he'd  also  put  in  a  swimming-pool  and 
a  hot-water  plant. 

Late  in  the  afternoon,  I  stole  far  up  into  the  eastern 
tower  to  visit  my  adorable  friend  Rosemary.  We 
played  house  together  on  the  nursery  floor  and  I  soon 
got  over  my  feeling  of  depression.  But  even  in  play  I 
was  made  to  realise  that  I  was  not  the  master  of  the 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      297 

house.  She  ruled  me  with  the  utmost  despotism,  but  I 
didn't  mind.  She  permitted  me  to  sip  honey  from  that 
cunning  place  in  her  little  neck  and  managed  to  call  me 
Unko.  My  heart  grew  warm  and  soft  again  under  the 
spell  of  her. 

The  Countess  watched  us  at  play  from  her  seat  by 
the  window.  She  was  strangely  still  and  pensive.  I 
had  the  feeling  that  she  was  watching  me  all  the  time, 
and  that  there  was  a  shadow  of  anxiety  in  her  lovely 
eyes.  She  smiled  at  our  pranks,  and  yet  there  was 
something  sad  in  the  smile. 

I  was  young  again  with  Rosemary,  and  full  of  glee. 
She  took  me  out  of  myself.  I  forgot  the  three  Tituses 
and  with  them  many  of  my  woes.  Here  was  a  cure  for 
the  blues:  this  gay  little  kiddie  of  the  unspeakable 
Tarnowsy ! 

I  lay  awake  for  hours  that  night,  but  when  I  finally 
went  to  sleep  —  and  heaven  knows  I  needed  it !  —  it 
was  with  the  soporific  resolution  to  put  my  house  rigidly 
in  order  the  very  next  day.  I  would  be  polite  about  it, 
but  very  firm.  The  Titus  family  (omitting  the  Count 
ess  and  Rosemary)  was  to  be  favoured  with  an  ultima 
tum  from  which  there  could  be  no  appeal.  John  Bel 
lamy  Smart  had  decided  —  with  Morpheus  smoothing 
out  the  wrinkles  of  perplexity  —  that  he  would  be 
master  in  his  own  house. 

My  high  resolve  flattened  itself  out  a  little  after  the 
sound  sleep  I  had,  and  I  make  no  doubt  I  should  have 
wavered  sadly  in  my  purpose  had  not  a  crisis  arisen  to 
shape  my  courage  for  me  in  a  rather  emphatic  way. 

Shortly  after  breakfast  Mrs.  Titus  came  downstairs 
very  smartly  gowned  for  the  street.  She  announced 
that  she  was  going  into  the  town  for  an  hour  or  two  and 
asked  me  to  have  one  of  the  Schmicks  ferry  her  across 


298  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

the  river.  There  was  a  famous  antique  shop  there  — 
memory  of  other  days  —  and  she  wanted  to  browse  a 
while  in  search  of  brasses  and  bronzes. 

I  looked  at  her,  aghast.  I  recognised  the  crisis,  but 
for  a  moment  was  unable  to  marshal  my  powers  of 
resistance.  Noting  my  consternation,  she  calmly  as 
sured  me  that  there  wouldn't  be  the  least  danger  of 
detection,  as  she  was  going  to  be  heavily  veiled  and  very 
cautious. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Titus,"  I  murmured  in  my  dismay, 
"  it  isn't  to  be  considered.  I  am  sure  you  won't  persist 
in  this  when  I  tell  you  that  Tarnowsy's  agents  are  sure 
to  see  you  and  — " 

She  laughed.  "  Tarnowsy's  agents !  Why  should 
they  be  here?  " 

"  They  seem  to  be  everywhere." 

"  I  can  assure  you  there  is  none  within  fifty  miles  of 
Schloss  Rothhoefen.  Our  men  are  in  the  city.  Four 
of  them  preceded  me.  This  morning  I  had  Mr.  Bangs 
telephone  to  the  hotel  where  the  chief  operative  is  stay 
ing  —  in  the  guise  of  an  American  tourist,  and  he  does 
it  very  cleverly  for  an  Englishman,  too, —  and  he  as 
sures  me  that  there  is  absolutely  no  danger.  Even  Mr. 
Bangs  is  satisfied." 

"  I  am  forced  to  say  that  I  am  by  no  means  satisfied 
that  it  is  a  safe  or  wise  thing  to  do,  Mrs.  Titus,"  I  said, 
with  more  firmness  than  I  thought  I  possessed. 

She  raised  her  delicate  eyebrows  in  a  most  exaspera 
ting  well-bred,  admonitory  way. 

"  I  am  quite  sure,  Mr.  Smart,  that  Dillingham  is  a 
perfectly  trustworthy  detective,  and  — " 

"  But  why  take  the  slightest  risk?  " 

"  It  is  necessary  for  me  to  see  Dillingham,  that  is  the 
long  and  short  of  it,"  she  said  coldly.  "  One  can't 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      299 

discuss  things  over  a  telephone,  you  know.  Mr.  Bangs 
understands.  And,  by  the  way,  Mr.  Smart,  I  have 
taken  the  liberty  of  calling  up  the  central  office  of  the 
telephone  company  to  ask  if  they  can  run  an  extension 
wire  to  my  dressing-room.  I  hope  you  do  not  mind." 

"  Not  in  the  least.  I  should  have  thought  of  it  my 
self." 

"  You  have  so  much  to  think  of,  poor  man.  And 
now  will  you  be  good  enough  to  have  Hawkes  order*  the 
man  to  row  me  across  the  — " 

"  I  am  very  sorry,  Mrs.  Titus,"  said  I  firmly,  "  but  I 
fear  I  must  declare  myself.  I  cannot  permit  you  to  go 
into  the  town  to-day." 

She  was  thunderstruck.  "  Are  you  in  earnest  ?  "  she 
cried,  after  searching  my  face  rather  intently  for  a 
moment. 

"  Unhappily,  yes.     Will  you  let  me  explain  — " 

"  The  idea!  "  she  exclaimed  as  she  drew  herself  to  her 
full  height  and  withered  me  with  a  look  of  surpassing 
scorn.  "  Am  I  to  regard  myself  as  a  prisoner,  Mr. 
Smart?" 

"  Oh,  I  beg  of  you,  Mrs.  Titus  — "  I  began  miserably. 

"  Please  answer  my  question." 

Her  tone  cut  me  like  the  lash  of  a  whip.  My  choler 
rose. 

"  I  do  not  choose  to  regard  myself  as  a  jailer.  My 
only  object  in  opposing  this — " 

"  I  have  never  known  anything  so  absurd."  Two 
bright  red  spots  appeared  in  her  cheeks.  "  Your  atti 
tude  is  most  extraordinary.  However,  I  shall  go  to 
the  city  this  morning,  Mr.  Smart.  Pray  give  me  the 
credit  of  having  sense  enough  to  —  Ah,  Colingraft." 

The  two  sons  approached  from  the  breakfast-room, 
where  they  had  been  enjoying  a  ten  o'clock  chop. 


300  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Colingraft,  noting  his  mother's  attire,  accelerated  his 
speed  and  was  soon  beside  us. 

"  Going  out,  Mother?  "  he  enquired,  flicking  the  ash 
from  his  cigarette. 

"  If  Mr.  Smart  will  be  good  enough  to  withdraw  his 
opposition,"  she  said  icily. 

He  gave  me  a  sharp  look.     "  What's  up  ?  " 

"  Mrs.  Titus  doesn't  seem  to  realise  the  risk  she  runs 
in—" 

"  Risk?  Do  you  suppose,  Mr.  Smart,  I  would  jeop 
ardise  my  daughter's  — " 

"What's  ug?  "  repeated  Colingraft  insistently. 

"  Mr.  Smart  calmly  informs  me  that  I  am  not  to  go 
into  the  city." 

"  I  don't  see  that  Mr.  Smart  has  anything  to  say 
about  it,"  said  her  son  coolly.  "  If  he  — "  He 
paused,  glaring. 

I  looked  him  squarely  in  the  eye.  If  he  had  possessed 
the  acumen  of  a  pollywog  he  would  have  seen  that  my 
Dutch  was  up. 

"One  moment,  Mr.  Titus,"  I  said,  setting  my  jaw. 
"  I  have  this  to  say  about  it.  You  are  guests  in  my 
house.  We  are  jointly  interested  in  the  effort  to  pro 
tect  the  Countess  Tarnowsy.  I  consider  it  to  be  the 
height  of  imprudence  for  any  member  of  your  family 
to  venture  into  the  city,  now  or  at  any  time  during  her 
stay  in  this  castle.  I  happen  to  know  that  Tarnowsy 
is  having  me  watched  for  some  purpose  or  other.  I 
don't  think  he  suspects  that  the  Countess  is  here,  but  I 
greatly  fear  that  he  believes  I  am  interested  in  her 
cause.  He  suspects  me.  You  have  heard  of  our 
recent  encounter.  He  knows  my  position  pretty  well 
by  this  time.  Mrs.  Titus  says  that  the  man  Dilling- 
ham  assures  her  there  is  no  danger.  Well,  I  can  only 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE      301 

say  that  Dillingham  is  a  fool,  and  I  don't  purpose 
having  my  own  safety  threatened  by  — " 

"  Your  safety?"  exclaimed  he.  "I  like  that! 
What  have  you  got  to  be  afraid  of?  " 

"  You  seem  to  forget  that  I  am  harbouring  a  fugitive 
from  justice,"  I  said  flatly. 

Mrs.  Titus  gasped.     "  How  dare  you  — " 

"  The  Countess  Tarnowsy  is  wanted  by  the  author 
ities  for  kidnapping,  and  I  think  you  know  the  facts 
quite  as  well  as  I  do,"  I  went  on  harshly.  "  God  knows 
I  am  doing  my  best  to  protect  her.  I  am  risking  more 
than  you  seem  to  appreciate.  If  she  is  found  here,  my 
position  isn't  likely  to  be  an  enviable  one.  I  am  not 
thinking  solely  of  myself,  believe  me,  but  after  all  I 
contend  that  I  have  a  right  to  assert  myself  in  a  crisis 
that  may  affect  me  vitally.  I  trust  you  will  see  my 
position  and  act  accordingly, —  with  consideration,  if 
nothing  else." 

Mrs.  Titus  did  not  take  her  eyes  off  mine  while  I  was 
speaking.  There  was  an  expression  of  utter  amaze 
ment  in  them.  No  one  had  ever  opposed  her  before  in 
just  this  way,  I  gathered.  She  didn't  know  what  to 
make  of  it. 

"  I  fear  you  exaggerate  the  extent  of  your  peril, 
Mr.  Smart,"  she  said  drily.  "  Of  course,  I  have  no 
desire  to  put  you  in  jeopardy,  but  it  seems  to  me — " 

"  Leaving  me  out  of  the  case  altogether,  don't  you 
think  it  is  a  bit  unfair  to  the  Countess?  "  I  asked  in  some 
heat.  "  She  doesn't  want  to  go  to  jail." 

"  Jail?  "  she  cried  angrily. 

"  That's  no  way  to  speak  about  — "  began  Colingraft 
furiously. 

I  broke  in  rashly.  "  If  you  please,  Mr.  Titus,  be 
good  enough  to  keep  your  temper.  I  have  no  desire  to 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 


•j.  but  I  eon  BBC  that  it  M 
There  isn't  anjihmg  in 
do  to  kip  yam.  oad  ike  Countess  in 
BBOK,  Mrs.  Titus.  I  hope  jon  be- 


Eew  me  vbev  I  aaty  ox  aoadk.     I  aat  ber  friend :  I 

to  be  joon  if  jm  vii  let  K    B«*  I  mere  tfe  right 

momeat,  Mr.  Titus 

are  quite  agreed  ibat  jonr  cirter  is  to  depart 
OM  ibc  foaitualfa  of  ife  •!•!•      I  am  to 

with  Mr.  Bangs.     Wefl,  it  mat  be  dearij 

ooer.     Xnair'c  fiojor^peoJoBO^  KD^t  it?  " 

"I  dkoMgo  vbere  I  fieaae,  aojd  HI  go  to  fbe  town 
to  db j — •**  loaned  Cofiograft,  geiiiog  mo  fartber  for 

;&atl 
to  a  fitfle  crj  of 


I  INDULGE  IN  PLAIN  LANGUAGE 

Send  for  Aline.     Ask 


I  boved  stay,    *  I  «•  any,  Mr*.  YSbw,  to 
beat  so  Inrsk,  so 

She  beld  np  boli 
in  aH  m  v  life,  Mr. 


.T  :-.---  --•;. 


after  her,      ft  «*t  -«-itb«crt  grrntg  me 
r*|?e  and  ntHHl 


I  ram  •  j  kand  «ver  my 
•Gee!""  said  Jasper,  "jr.     *  Y«^ 
rigbt,  aH  rigfet."    He  IvBrnwd  a* 
e0oldhi\  get  rid  «f  IM  fw  INKTS. 

Later  in  ibe  forcMM*  tbe  Cocmtes&.  -«rith  a  gin  1.1  BUfc 
OR  IKT  %s»  teli  ve  «M*  ber 
*st  w»i«f«L,  tke  we*  fec 


Bat  Colograf*  w*$  art 


CHAFTmi 

TO 


or  **  Yorrvf  done  wonder?  irhi  tie  joint, 
CxOimsTf- 


::  -  okrab 

^TTBTI  ftTTl  f  ^ 


••!  tte  ••€: 

done  for 

L:    * 
K  !• 


Yuirve   ^ui  "to 


I  SEE  TO  THE 


306  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  looked  at  Jasper,  Jr.  He  was  staring  at  me  in 
utter  bewilderment. 

"  Good  Lord !     You  —  you've  knocked  him  down !  " 

"  I  didn't  think  I  could  do  it,"  said  I  hazily. 

He  sprang  to  his  brother's  side,  and  assisted  him  to 
a  sitting  posture. 

"  Right  to  the  j  aw,"  shouted  Jasper,  with  a  strange 
enthusiasm. 

"  Left,"  I  corrected  him. 

Colingraft  gazed  about  him  in  a  stupid,  vacant  fash 
ion  for  a  moment,  and  then  allowed  his  glazed  eyes  to 
rest  upon  me.  He  sat  rather  limply,  I  thought. 

"  Are  you  hurt,  Colly  ?  "  cried  Jasper,  Jr. 

A  sickly  grin,  more  of  surprise  than  shame,  stole  over 
Colingraft's  face.  He  put  his  hand  to  his  jaw;  then 
to  the  back  of  his  head. 

"  By  Jove !  "  he  murmured.  "I  —  I  didn't  think  he 
had  it  in  him.  Let  me  get  up !  " 

Jasper,  Jr.  was  discreet.  "  Better  let  well  enough 
alone,  old  — " 

"  I  intend  to,"  said  Colingraf  t,  as  he  struggled  to 
his  feet. 

For  a  moment  he  faced  me,  uncertainly. 

"  I'm  sorry,  Mr.  Titus,"  said  I  calmly. 

"  You  —  you  are  a  wonder ! "  fell  from  his  lips. 
"  I'm  not  a  coward,  Mr.  Smart.  I've  boxed  a  good 
deal  in  my  time,  but  —  by  Jove,  I  never  had  a  jolt  like 
that." 

He  turned  abruptly  and  left  us.  We  followed  him 
slowly  toward  the  steps.  At  the  bottom  he  stopped 
and  faced  me  again. 

"  You're  a  better  man  than  I  thought,"  he  said. 
"  If  you'll  bury  the  hatchet,  so  will  I.  I  take  back 
what  I  said  to  you,  not  because  I'm  afraid  of  you,  but 


Up  to  that  moment  I  had  wondered  whether  I  could  do  it  with 
my  left  hand 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     307 

because  I  respect  you.  What  say?  Will  you  shake 
hands?" 

The  surly,  arrogant  expression  was  gone  from  his 
face.  In  its  place  was  a  puzzled,  somewhat  inquiring 
look. 

"  No  hard  feeling  on  my  part,"  I  cried  gladly.  We 
shook  hands.  Jasper,  Jr.  slapped  me  on  the  back. 
"  It's  a  most  distressing,  atavistic  habit  I'm  getting 
into,  knocking  people  down  without  rhyme  or  reason." 

"  I  daresay  you  had  reason,"  muttered  Colingraft. 
"  I  got  what  was  coming  to  me."  An  eager  light  crept 
into  his  handsome  eyes.  "  By  Jove,  we  can  get  in  some 
corking  work  with  the  gloves  while  I'm  here.  I  box 
quite  a  bit  at  home,  and  I  miss  it  travelling  about  like 
this.  What  say  to  a  half -hour  or  so  every  day?  I 
have  the  gloves  in  one  of  my  trunks.  I'm  getting  hor 
ribly  seedy.  I  need  stirring  up." 

"  Charmed,  I'm  sure,"  I  said,  assuming  an  enthu 
siasm  I  did  not  feel.  Put  on  the  gloves  with  this 
strapping,  skillful  boxer?  Not  I!  I  was  firmly  re 
solved  to  stop  while  my  record  was  good.  In  a  scientific 
clash  with  the  gloves  he  would  soon  find  out  what  a 
miserable  duffer  I  was. 

"  And  Jappy,  here,  is  no  slouch.  He's  as  shifty  as 
the  dickens." 

"  The  shiftier  the  better,"  said  I,  with  great  aplomb. 
Jasper,  Jr.,  stuck  out  his  chest  modestly,  and  said: 
"Oh,  piffle,  Colly."  But  just  the  same  I  hadn't  the 
laest  doubt  in  my  mind  that  Jasper  could  "  put  it 
all  over  me."  It  was  a  rather  sickening  admission, 
though  strictly  private. 

We  made  our  way  to  my  study,  where  I  mildly  sug 
gested  that  we  refrain  from  mentioning  our  little  en 
counter  to  Mrs.  Titus  or  the  Countess.  I  thought 


308  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Colingraft  was  especially  pleased  with  the  idea.     We 
swore  secrecy. 

"  I've  always  been  regarded  as  a  peaceful,  harmless 
grub,"  I  explained,  still  somewhat  bewildered  by  the 
feat  I  had  performed,  and  considerably  shaken  by  the 
fear  that  I  was  degenerating  into  a  positive  ruffian. 
"  You  will  believe  me,  I  hope,  when  I  declare  that  I  was 
merely  acting  in  self-defence  when  I  — " 

He  actually  laughed.  "  Don't  apologise."  He 
could  not  resist  the  impulse  to  blurt  out  once  more: 
"  By  Jove,  I  didn't  think  you  could  do  it." 

"  With  my  left  hand,  too,"  I  said  wonderingly. 
Catching  myself  up,  I  hastily  changed  the  subject. 

A  little  later  on,  as  Colingraft  left  the  room,  slyly 
feeling  of  his  jaw,  Jasper,  Jr.  whispered  to  me  ex 
citedly  :  "  You've  got  him  eating  out  of  your  hand,  old 
top." 

Things  were  coming  to  a  pretty  pass,  said  I  to  my 
self  when  I  was  all  alone.  It  certainly  is  a  pretty  pass 
when  one  knocks  down  the  ex-husband  and  the  brother 
of  the  woman  he  loves,  and  quite  without  the  least  sus 
picion  of  an  inherited  pugnacity. 

I  had  a  little  note  from  the  Countess  that  afternoon, 
ceremoniously  delivered  by  Helene  Marie  Louise  Antoi 
nette.  It  read  as  follows: 

"  You  did  Colingraft  a  very  good  turn  when  you  laid 
him  low  this  morning.  He  is  tiresomely  interested  in  his 
prowess  as  a  box-maker,  or  a  boxster,  or  whatever  it  is  in 
athletic  parlance.  He  has  been  like  a  lamb  all  afternoon 
and  he  really  can't  get  over  the  way  you  whacked  him.  (Is 
whack  the  word?)  At  first  he  was  as  mum  as  could  be 
about  it,  but  I  think  he  really  felt  relieved  when  I  told  him 
I  had  seen  the  whole  affair  from  a  window  in  my  hall.  You 
see  it  gave  him  a  chance  to  explain  how  you  got  in  the 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     309 

whack,  and  I  have  been  obliged  to  listen  to  intermittent 
lectures  on  the  manly  art  of  self-defence  all  afternoon,  first 
from  him,  then  from  Jappy.  I  have  a  headache,  and  no 
means  of  defence.  He  admits  that  he  deserved  it,  but  I  am 
not  surprised.  Colly  is  a  sporting  chap.  He  hasn't  a 
mean  drop  of  blood  in  his  body.  You  have  made  a  friend 
of  him.  So  please  don't  feel  that  I  hold  a  grudge  against 
you  for  what  you  did.  The  funny  part  of  it  all  is  that 
mamma  quite  agrees  with  him.  She  says  he  deserved  it! 
Mamma  is  wonderful,  really,  when  it  comes  to  a  pinch. 
She  has  given  up  all  thought  of  '  putting  a  foot  outside  the 
castle.'  Can  you  have  luncheon  with  us  to-morrow  ?  Would 
it  be  too  much  trouble  if  we  were  to  have  it  in  the  loggia? 
I  am  just  mad  to  get  out-of-doors  if  only  for  an  hour  or 
two  in  that  walled-in  spot.  Mr.  Poopendyke  has  been  per 
fectly  lovely.  He  came  up  this  morning  to  tell  me  that  you 
haven't  sneezed  at  all  and  there  isn't  the  remotest  chance 
now  that  you  will  have  a  cold.  It  seems  he  was  afraid  you 
might.  You  must  have  a  very  rugged  constitution.  Britton 
told  Blake  that  most  men  would  have  died  from  exposure 
if  they  had  been  put  in  your  place.  How  good  you  are  to 
me. 

"  ALINE  T. 
"  P.  S. —  I  may  come  down  to  see  you  this  evening." 


I  shall  skip  over  the  rather  uninteresting  events  of 
the  next  two  or  three  days.  Nothing  of  consequence 
happened,  unless  you  are  willing  to  consider  important 
two  perfectly  blissful  nights  of  sleep  on  my  part. 
Also,  I  had  the  pleasure  of  taking  the  Countess  "  out 
walking "  in  my  courtyard,  to  use  a  colloquialism : 
once  in  the  warm,  sweet  sunshine,  again  'neath  the  glow 
of  a  radiant  moon.  She  had  not  been  outside  the  castle 
walls,  literally,  in  more  than  five  weeks,  and  the  colour 


310  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

leaped  back  into  her  cheeks  with  a  rush  that  delighted 
me.  I  may  mention  in  passing  that  I  paid  particular 
attention  to  her  suggestion  concerning  my  dilapidated, 
gone-to-seed  garden,  although  I  had  been  bored  to  ex 
tinction  by  Jasper,  Jr.  when  he  undertook  to  enlighten 
me  horticulturally.  She  agreed  to  come  forth  every 
day  and  assist  me  in  building  the  poor  thing  up; 
propping  it,  so  to  speak. 

As  for  Mrs.  Titus,  that  really  engaging  lady  made 
life  so  easy  for  me  that  I  wondered  why  I  had  ever  been 
apprehensive.  She  "was  quite  wonderful  when  "  it  came 
to  a  pinch."  I  began  to  understand  a  good  many 
things  about  her,  chief  among  them  being  her  unvoiced 
theories  on  matrimony.  While  she  did  not  actually 
commit  herself,  I  had  no  difficulty  in  ascertaining  that, 
from  her  point  of  view,  marriages  are  not  made  in 
heaven,  and  that  a  properly  arranged  divorce  is  a  great 
deal  less  terrestrial  than  it  is  commonly  supposed  to  be. 
She  believed  in  matrimony  as  a  trial  and  divorce  as  a 
reward,  or  something  to  that  effect. 

My  opinion  seemed  to  carry  considerable  weight  with 
her.  For  a  day  or  two  after  our  somewhat  sanguinary 
encounter,  she  was  prone  to  start  —  even  to  jump 
slightly  —  when  I  addressed  myself  to  her  with  unin 
tentional  directness.  She  soon  got  over  that,  however. 

We  were  discussing  Aline's  unfortunate  venture  into 
the  state  of  matrimony  and  I,  feeling  temporarily 
august  and  superior,  managed  to  say  the  wrong  thing 
and  in  doing  so  put  myself  in  a  position  from  which  I 
could  not  recede  without  loss  of  dignity.  If  my 
memory  serves  me  correctly  I  remarked,  with  some 
asperity,  that  marriages  of  that  kind  never  turned  out 
well  for  any  one  except  the  bridegroom. 

She  looked  at  me  coldly.     "  I  am  afraid,  Mr.  Smart, 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     311 

that  you  have  been  putting  some  very  bad  notions  into 
my  daughter's  head,"  she  said. 

"  Bad  notions?  "  I  murmured. 

"  She  has  developed  certain  pronounced  and  rather 
extraordinary  views  concerning  the  nobility  as  the 
result  of  your  —  ah  —  argument,  I  may  say." 

"  I'm  very  sorry.  I  know  one  or  two  exceedingly 
nice  noblemen,  and  I've  no  doubt  there  are  a  great  many 
more.  She  must  have  misunderstood  me.  I  wasn't 
running  down  the  nobility,  Mrs.  Titus.  I  was  merely 
questioning  the  advisability  of  elevating  it  in  the  way 
we  Americans  sometimes  do." 

"  You  did  not  put  it  so  adroitly  in  discussing  the 
practice  with  Aline,"  she  said  quickly.  "  Granted  that 
her  own  marriage  was  a  mistake, —  a  dreadful  mis 
take, —  it  does  not  follow  that  all  international  matches 
are  failures.  I  would  just  as  soon  be  unhappily  mar 
ried  to  a  duke  as  to  a  dry-goods  merchant,  Mr.  Smart." 

"  But  not  at  the  same  price,  Mrs.  Titus,"  I  re 
marked. 

She  smiled.     "  A  husband  is  dear  at  any  price." 

"I  shouldn't  put  it  just  that  way,"  I  protested. 
"  A  good  American  husband  is  a  necessity,  not  a  lux 
ury." 

"  Well,  to  go  back  to  what  I  started  to  say,  Aline 
is  very  bitter  about  matrimony  as  viewed  from  my 
point  of  view.  I  am  sorry  to  say  I  attribute  her  at 
titude  to  your  excellent  counselling." 

"  You  flatter  me.  I  was  under  the  impression  she 
took  her  lessons  of  Tarnowsy." 

"  Granted.  But  Tarnowsy  was  unfit.  Why  tar 
all  of  them  with  the  same  stick?  There  are  good 
noblemen,  you'll  admit." 

"  But  they  don't  need  rehabilitation." 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Aline,  I  fear,  will  never  risk  another  experiment. 
It's  rather  calamitous,  isn't  it?  When  one  stops  to 
consider  her  youth,  beauty  and  all  the  happiness  there 
may  be  — " 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs.  Titus,  but  I  think  your 
fears  are  groundless." 

"  What  do  you  mean?  " 

"  The  Countess  will  marry  again.  I  am  not  betray 
ing  a  secret,  because  she  has  intimated  as  much  to  my 
secretary  as  well  as  to  me.  I  take  it  that  as  soon  as 
this  unhappy  affair  is  settled,  she  will  be  free  to  re 
veal  the  true  state  of  her  feelings  toward  — "  I 
stopped,  somewhat  dismayed  by  my  garrulous  turn. 

"  Toward  whom  ?  "  she  fairly  snapped. 

"  I  don't  know,"  I  replied  truthfully  —  and,  I  fear, 
lugubriously. 

"  Good  heaven ! "  she  cried,  starting  up  from  the 
bench  on  which  we  were  sitting  in  the  loggia.  There 
was  a  queer  expression  in  her  eyes.  "  Hasn't  —  hasn't 
she  ever  hinted  at  —  hasn't  she  mentioned  any  one  at 
all?" 

"  Not  to  me." 

Mrs.  Titus  was  agitated,  I  could  see  that  very 
plainly.  A  thoughtful  frown  appeared  on  her  smooth 
brow,  and  a  gleam  of  anxiety  sprang  into  her  eyes. 

"  I  am  sure  that  she  has  had  no  opportunity  to  — " 
She  did  not  complete  the  sentence,  in  which  there  was 
a  primary  note  of  perplexity  and  wonder. 

It  grilled  me  to  discover  that  she  did  not  even  so 
much  as  take  me  into  consideration. 

"You  mean  since  the  —  er  —  divorce?"  I  inquired. 

"  She  has  been  in  seclusion  all  of  the  time.  She 
has  seen  no  man, —  that  is  to  say,  no  man  for  whom 
she  could  possibly  entertain  a  —  But,  of  course,  you 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     313 

are  mistaken  in  your  impression,  Mr.  Smart.  There 
is  absolutely  nothing  in  what  you  say." 

"  A  former  sweetheart,  antedating  her  marriage,"  I 
suggested  hopelessly. 

"  She  has  no  sweetheart.  Of  that  I  am  positive,'* 
said  she  with  conviction. 

"  She  must  have  had  an  army  of  admirers.  They 
were  legion  after  her  marriage,  I  may  be  pardoned  for 
reminding  you.  " 

She  started.  "  Has  she  never  mentioned  Lord  Am- 
berdale  to  you?  "  she  asked. 

"Amberdale?"  I  repeated,  with  a  queer  sinking  of 
the  heart.  "No,  Mrs.  Titus.  An  Englishman?" 

She  was  mistress  of  herself  once  more.  In  a  very 
degage  manner  she  informed  me  that  his  lordship,  a 
most  attractive  and  honourable  young  Englishman, 
had  been  one  of  Aline's  warmest  friends  at  the  time 
of  the  divorce  proceedings.  But,  of  course,  there  was 
nothing  in  that!  They  had  been  good  friends  for 
years,  nothing  more,  and  he  was  a  perfect  dear. 

But  she  couldn't  fool  me.  I  could  see  that  there 
was  something  working  at  the  back  of  her  mind,  but 
whether  she  was  distressed  or  gratified  I  was  not  by 
way  of  knowing. 

"  I've  never  heard  her  mention  Lord  Amberdale," 
said  I. 

Her  eyes  narrowed  slightly.  Had  I  but  known,  the 
mere  fact  that  the  Countess  had  not  spoken  of  his  lord 
ship  provided  her  experienced  mother  with  an  excellent 
reason  for  believing  that  there  was  something  between 
them.  She  abruptly  brought  the  conversation  to  a 
close  and  left  me,  saying  that  she  was  off  for  her 
beauty  nap. 

Alone,  I  soon  became  a  prey  to  certain  disquieting 


314  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

thoughts.  Summed  up,  they  resolved  themselves  into 
a  condition  of  certainty  which  admitted  of  but  one 
aspect :  the  charming  Countess  was  in  love  with  Amber- 
dale.  And  the  shocking  part  of  it  all  was  that  she  was 
in  love  with  him  prior  to  her  separation  from  Tar- 
nowsy!  I  felt  a  cold  perspiration  start  out  all  over 
my  body  as  this  condition  forced  itself  upon  me.  He 
was  the  man ;  he  had  been  the  man  from  the  beginning. 
My  heart  was  like  lead  for  the  rest  of  the  day,  and, 
very  curiously,  for  a  leaden  thing  it  was  subject  to 
pain. 

Just  before  dinner,  Britton,  after  inspecting  me  out 
of  the  corner  of  his  eye  for  some  time,  advised  me  to 
try  a  little  brandy. 

"  You  look  seedy,  sir,"  he  said  with  concern  in  his 
voice.  "  A  cold  setting  in  perhaps,  sir." 

I  tried  the  brandy,  but  not  because  I  thought  I  was 
taking  a  cold.  Somehow  it  warmed  me  up.  There  is 
virtue  in  good  spirits. 

The  Countess  was  abroad  very  early  the  next  morn 
ing.  I  discovered  her  in  the  courtyard,  giving  direc 
tions  to  Max  and  Rudolph  who  were  doing  some  spading 
in  the  garden.  She  looked  very  bright  and  fresh  and 
enticing  in  the  light  of  an  early  moon,  and  I  was  not 
only  pleased  but  astonished,  having  been  led  to  believe 
all  my  life  that  a  woman,  no  matter  how  pretty  she 
may  be,  appears  at  her  worst  when  the  day  is  young. 

I  joined  her  at  once.  She  gave  me  a  gay,  accusing 
smile. 

"  What  have  you  been  saying  to  mother  ?  "  she  de 
manded,  as  she  shook  hands  with  me.  "  I  thought  you 
were  to  be  trusted." 

I  flushed  uncomfortably.  "  I'm  sorry,  Countess. 
I  —  I  didn't  know  it  was  a  secret." 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     315 

She  looked  at  me  somewhat  quizzically  for  a  moment. 
Then  she  laughed  softly.  "  It  is  a  secret." 

"  I  hope  I  haven't  got  you  into  bad  odour  with 
your  — " 

"  Oh,  dear  me,  no !  I'm  not  in  the  least  worried  over 
what  mother  may  think.  I  shall  do  as  I  please,  so 
there's  the  end  of  it." 

I  swallowed  something  that  seemed  to  be  sticking 
in  my  throat.  "  Then  it  is  true  that  you  are  going  to 
marry?  " 

"  Quite,"  she  said  succinctly. 

I  was  silent  for  a  moment.  "  Well,  I'm  —  I'm  glad 
to  know  it  in  time,"  I  said,  rather  more  gruffly  than  was 
necessary. 

She  smiled  too  merrily,  I  thought.  "  You  must  not 
tell  any  one  else  about  it,  however." 

"  I  can  promise  that,"  I  said,  a  sullen  rage  in  my 
soul.  "  Devils  could  not  drag  it  out  of  me.  Rest 
easy." 

It  occurred  to  me  afterwards  that  she  laughed  rather 
jerkily,  you  might  say  uneasily.  At  any  rate,  she 
turned  away  and  began  speaking  to  Max. 

"  Have  you  had  your  breakfast?  "  I  asked  stupidly. 

"No."  * 

"Neither  have  I.     Will  you  join  me?" 

"  Isn't  it  getting  to  be  a  habit?  " 

"  Breakfast  or  —  you?  " 

"  Breakfast  and  me." 

"  I  confess,  my  dear  Countess,  that  I  like  you  for 
breakfast,"  I  said  gallantly. 

"  That  is  a  real  tribute,"  she  said  demurely,  and 
took  her  place  beside  me.  Together  we  crossed  the 
courtyard. 

On  the  steps  Colingraft  Titus  was  standing.     I  ut- 


316  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

tered  an  audible  groan  and  winced  as  if  in  dire  pain. 

"  What  is  it?  "  she  cried  quickly. 

"  Rheumatism,"  I  announced,  carefully  raising  my 
right  arm  and  affecting  an  expression  of  torture.  I 
am  not  a  physical  coward,  kind  reader.  The  fact 
that  young  Mr.  Titus  carried  in  his  hands  a  set  of 
formidable  looking  boxing-gloves  did  not  frighten  me. 
Heaven  knows,  if  it  would  give  him  any  pleasure  to 
slam  me  about  with  a  pair  of  gloves,  I  am  not  without 
manliness  and  pluck  enough  to  endure  physical  pain 
and  mental  humiliation.  It  was  diplomacy,  cunning, 
astuteness, —  whatever  you  may  choose  to  call  it, — 
that  stood  between  me  and  a  friendly  encounter  with 
him.  Two  minutes'  time  would  serve  to  convince  him 
that  he  was  my  master,  and  then  where  would  I  be? 
Where  would  be  the  prestige  I  had  gained?  Where 
my  record  as  a  conqueror?  "  I  must  have  caught  cold 
in  my  arms  and  shoulders,"  I  went  on,  making  worse 
faces  than  before  as  I  moved  the  afflicted  parts  ex 
perimentally. 

"  There ! "  she  exclaimed  ruefully.  "  I  knew  you 
would  catch  cold.  Men  always  do.  I'm  so  sorry." 

"  It's  nothing,"  I  made  haste  to  explain :  — "  that  is, 
nothing  serious.  I'll  get  rid  of  it  in  no  time  at  all." 
I  calculated  for  a  minute.  "  A  week  or  ten  days  at 
the  most.  Good  morning,  Colingraft." 

"Morning.  Hello,  sis.  Well?"  He  dangled  the 
gloves  before  my  eyes. 

My  disappointment  was  quite  pathetic.  "  Tell 
him,"  I  said  to  the  Countess. 

"  He's  all  crippled  up  with  rheumatism,  Colly,"  she 
said.  "  Put  those  ugly  things  away.  We're  going 
in  to  breakfast." 

He  tossed  the  gloves  into  a  corner  of  the  vestibule. 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     317 

I  felt  a  little  ashamed  of  my  subterfuge  in  the  face  of 
his  earnest  expression  of  concern. 

"  Tell  you  what  I'll  do,"  he  said  warmly.  "  I  know 
how  to  rub  a  fellow's  muscles  — " 

"  Oh,  I  have  a  treasure  in  Britton,"  said  I,  hastily. 
"  Thanks,  old  man.  He  will  work  it  out  of  me.  Sorry 
we  can't  have  a  go  this  morning." 

The  worst  of  it  all  was  that  he  insisted,  as  a  matter 
of  personal  education,  on  coming  to  my  room  after 
breakfast  to  watch  the  expert  manoeuvres  of  Britton 
in  kneading  the  stiffness  out  of  my  muscles.  He  was 
looking  for  new  ideas,  he  explained.  I  first  consulted 
Britton  and  then  resignedly  consented  to  the  demon 
stration. 

To  my  surprise,  Britton  was  something  of  an  expert. 
I  confess  that  he  almost  killed  me  with  those  strong, 
iron-like  hands  of  his ;  if  I  was  not  sore  when  he  began 
with  me,  I  certainly  was  when  he  finished.  Colingraft 
was  most  enthusiastic.  He  said  he'd  never  seen  any 
one  manipulate  the  muscles  so  scientifically  as  Britton, 
and  ventured  the  opinion  that  he  would  not  have  to  re 
peat  the  operation  often.  To  myself  I  said  that  he 
wouldn't  have  to  repeat  it  at  all. 

We  began  laying  our  plans  for  the  fourteenth. 
Communications  arrived  from  Italy,  addressed  to  me 
but  intended  for  either  the  Countess  or  the  rather  re 
mote  Mr.  Bangs,  who  seemed  better  qualified  to  efface 
himself  than  any  human  being  I've  ever  seen.  These 
letters  informed  us  that  a  yacht  —  one  of  three  now 
cruising  in  the  Mediterranean  —  would  call  at  an  ap 
pointed  port  on  such  and  such  a  day  to  take  her  out  to 
sea.  Everything  was  being  arranged  on  the  outside 
for  her  escape  from  the  continent,  and  precision  seemed 
to  be  the  watchword. 


Of  course  I  couldn't  do  a  stroke  of  work  on  my 
novel.  How  could  I  be  expected  to  devote  myself  to 
fiction  when  fact  was  staring  me  in  the  face  so  engag 
ingly?  We  led  an  idle,  dolce  far  niente  life  in  these 
days,  with  an  underlying  touch  of  anxiety  and  excite 
ment  that  increased  as  the  day  for  her  departure  drew 
near.  I  confess  to  a  sickening  sense  of  depression  that 
could  not  be  shaken  off. 

Half  of  my  time  was  spent  in  playing  with  Rosemary. 
She  became  dearer  to  me  with  each  succeeding  day. 
I  knew  I  should  miss  her  tremendously.  I  should  even 
miss  Jinko,  who  didn't  like  me  but  who  no  longer 
growled  at  me.  The  castle  would  be  a  very  gloomy, 
drear  place  after  they  were  out  of  it.  I  found  myself 
wondering  how  long  I  would  be  able  to  endure  the  lone 
liness.  Secretly  I  cherished  the  idea  of  selling  the 
place  if  I  could  find  a  lunatic  in  the  market. 

An  unexpected  diversion  came  one  day  when,  without 
warning  and  figuratively  out  of  a  clear  sky,  the  Haz- 
zards  and  the  Billy  Smiths  swooped  down  upon  me. 
They  had  come  up  the  river  in  the  power  boat  for  a 
final  September  run,  and  planned  to  stop  over  night 
with  me! 

They  were  the  last  people  in  the  world  whom  I  could 
turn  away  from  my  door.  There  might  have  been  a 
chance  to  put  them  up  for  the  night  and  still  avoid  dis 
closures,  had  not  circumstance  ordered  that  the  Count 
ess  and  I  should  be  working  in  the  garden  at  the  very 
moment  that  brought  them  pounding  at  the  postern 
gates.  Old  Conrad  opened  the  gate  in  complete  igno 
rance  of  our  presence  in  the  garden.  (We  happened 
to  be  in  a  somewhat  obscure  nook  and  seated  upon 
a  stone  bench  —  so  he  must  be  held  blameless.)  The 


319 

quartette  brushed  past  the  old  man  and  I,  hearing  their 
chatter,  foolishly  exposed  myself. 

I  shall  not  attempt  to  describe  the  scene  that  fol 
lowed  their  discovery  of  the  Countess  Tarnowsy.  Be 
it  said,  however,  to  the  credit  of  Elsie  and  Betty  Billy, 
the  startled  refugee  was  fairly  smothered  in  kisses  and 
tears  and  almost  deafened  by  the  shrill,  delighted  ex 
clamations  that  fell  from  their  eager  lips.  I  doubt 
if  there  ever  was  such  a  sensation  before! 

They  brought  rather  interesting  news  concerning 
the  Count.  It  appears  that  he  and  the  baron  had 
quarrelled  and  at  the  time  of  my  friends'  departure 
from  Vienna  it  was  pretty  generally  understood  that 
there  would  be  a  duel. 

"I  never  liked  the  baron,"  I  said,  with  a  grim  smile 
that  could  not  have  been  misinterpreted,  "  but  I  hope 
to  heavens  he  isn't  killed." 

Mrs.  Titus  sighed.  "  Tarnowsy  is  regarded  as  a 
wonderful  marksman." 

"  Worse  luck !  "  growled  Colingraf t,  gloomily  twid 
dling  his  thumbs. 

"  What  kind  of  a  shot  is  the  baron?  "  asked  Jasper 
Jr.,  hopefully. 

No  one  was  able  to  enlighten  him,  but  Billy  Smith 
shook  his  head  dolefully. 

"  Maris  Tarnowsy  is  a  dead  shot.  He'll  pot  the 
baron  sure." 

"  Hang  it  all,"  said  I,  and  then  lapsed  into  a  hor 
rified  silence. 

When  the  Hazzards  and  Smiths  departed  the  next 
morning  they  were  in  full  possession  of  all  of  our  plans, 
hopes  and  secrets,  but  they  were  bound  by  promises 


320  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

that  would  have  haunted  them  throughout  all  eternity 
if  they  allowed  them  to  be  violated.  I  do  not  recall 
having  seen  two  more  intensely  excited,  radiant  women 
in  my  life  than  Elsie  and  Betty  Billy.  They  were  in  an 
ecstatic  state  of  mind.  Their  husbands,  but  little  less 
excited,  offered  to  help  us  in  every  way  possible,  and,  to 
prove  their  earnest,  turned  the  prow  of  the  motor-boat 
down-stream,  abandoning  the  trip  up  the  river  in  order 
to  be  in  Vienna  in  case  I  should  need  them  for  any 
purpose  whatsoever. 

"  You  may  rest  easy  so  far  as  I  am  concerned,  Mrs. 
Titus,"  said  the  young  diplomat.  "  As  a  representa 
tive  of  the  United  States  government  I  can't  become 
publicly  involved  in  this  international  muddle.  I've 
just  got  to  keep  my  lips  sealed.  If  it  were  discovered 
that  I  knew  of  all  this,  my  head  would  be  under  the 
snickersnee  in  no  time  at  all.  Swish!  Officially  sui 
cided!" 

At  ten  o'clock  the  next  morning  I  was  called  to  the 
telephone.  Smith  had  startling  news  to  impart. 
Count  Tarnowsy  and  Baron  Umovitch  had  engaged  in 
a  duel  with  pistols  at  sunrise  and  the  latter  had  gone 
down  with  a  bullet  through  his  lungs !  He  died  an  hour 
later.  Tarnowsy,  according  to  the  rumours  flying 
about  official  Vienna,  was  already  on  his  way  to  Berlin, 
where  he  would  probably  remain  in  seclusion  until  the 
affair  blew  over  or  imperial  forgiveness  was  extended 
to  him. 

There  was  cause  for  satisfaction  among  us,  even 
though  the  baron  had  fallen  instead  of  the  count. 
The  sensational  affair  would  serve  to  keep  Tarnowsy 
under  cover  for  some  weeks  at  least  and  minimise  the 
dangers  attending  the  Countess's  flight  from  the 
castle.  Still,  I  could  not  help  feeling  disappointed  over 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     321 

the  outcome  of  the  meeting.  Why  couldn't  Count 
Tarnowsy  have  been  the  one  to  fall? 

The  Countess,  very  pale  and  distrait,  gave  utter 
ance  to  her  feelings  in  a  most  remarkable  speech.  She 
said :  "  This  is  one  of  the  few  fine  things  that  Maris 
has  ever  done.  I  am  glad  that  he  killed  that  man. 
He  should  have  done  so  long  ago, —  the  beast !  He 
was  —  ugh !  —  the  most  despicable  creature  I've  ever 
known." 

She  said  no  more  than  this,  but  one  could  readily 
grasp  all  that  she  left  unuttered. 

Colingraft  rather  sententiously  remarked  to  little 
Rosemary,  who  could  not  have  comprehended  the  words, 
of  course :  "  Well,  little  Rosebud,  your  papa  may  be 
a  spendthrift  but  he  never  wastes  bullets." 

Which  was  entirely  uncalled  for,  I  contend.  I  was 
struck  by  the  swift  look  of  dread  that  leaped  into 
Aline's  eyes  and  her  pallor. 

On  top  of  all  this  came  the  astonishing  news,  by 
cipher  despatch  from  old  Jasper  Titus's  principal  ad 
viser  in  London,  that  his  offer  of  one  million  dollars 
had  been  declined  by  Tarnowsy  two  days  before,  the 
Count  having  replied  through  his  lawyers  that  nothing 
short  of  two  millions  would  induce  him  to  relinquish  all 
claims  to  his  child. 

I  had  been  ignorant  of  this  move  in  the  case,  and 
expressed  my  surprise. 

"  I  asked  father  to  do  it,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  the 
Countess  dejectedly.  "  It  seemed  the  easiest  way  out 
of  our  difficulties  —  and  the  cheapest.  He  will  never 
give  in  to  this  new  demand,  though.  We  must  make 
the  best  of  it." 

"But  why  did  you  suggest  such  a  thing  to  him?" 
I  demanded  with  heat. 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

She  looked  hurt.  "  Because  you  seemed  to  think 
it  was  the  right  and  honourable  thing  to  do,"  she  said 
patiently.  "  I  do  not  forget  what  you  said  to  me,  days 
and  days  ago,  even  though  it  may  have  slipped  your 
mind.  You  said  that  a  bargain  is  a  bargain  and  — 
well,  I  had  Mr.  Bangs  write  father  just  what  you 
thought  about  it." 

There  was  a  suspicion  of  tears  in  her  voice  as  she 
turned  away  and  left  me  without  another  word.  She 
was  quite  out  of  sight  around  the  bend  in  the  staircase, 
and  her  little  boots  were  clattering  swiftly  upwards, 
before  I  fully  grasped  the  significance  of  her  explana 
tion  —  or,  I  might  better  say,  her  reproach.  It  slowly 
dawned  upon  me  that  I  had  said  a  great  many  things 
to  her  that  it  would  pay  me  to  remember  before  ques 
tioning  her  motives  in  any  particular. 

As  the  day  for  her  departure  drew  nearer, —  it  was 
now  but  forty-eight  hours  away, —  her  manner  seemed 
to  undergo  a  complete  change.  She  became  moody, 
nervous,  depressed.  Of  course,  all  this  was  attribu 
table  to  the  dread  of  discovery  and  capture  when  she 
was  once  outside  the  great  walls  of  Schloss  Rothhoefen. 
I  could  understand  her  feelings,  and  rather  lamely  at 
tempted  to  bolster  up  her  courage  by  making  light  of 
the  supposed  perils. 

She  looked  at  me  with  a  certain  pathetic  sombreness 
in  her  eyes  that  caused  my  heart  to  ache.  All  of  her 
joyous  raillery  was  gone,  all  of  her  gentle  arrogance. 
Her  sole  interest  in  life  in  these  last  days  seemed  to  be 
of  a  sacrificial  nature.  She  was  sweet  and  gentle  with 
every  one, —  with  me  in  particular,  I  may  say, —  and 
there  was  something  positively  humble  in  her  attitude 
of  self-abnegation.  Where  she  had  once  been  wilful 
and  ironic,  she  was  now  gentle  and  considerate.  Nor 


I  SEE  TO  THE  BOTTOM  OF  THINGS     323 

was  I  the  only  one  to  note  these  subtle  changes  in  her. 
I  doubt,  however,  if  the  others  were  less  puzzled  than  I. 
In  fact,  Mrs.  Titus  was  palpably  perplexed,  and  there 
were  times  when  I  caught  her  eyeing  me  with  distinct 
disapproval,  as  if  she  were  seeking  in  me  the  cause  of 
her  daughter's  weaknesses ;  as  much  as  to  say :  "  What 
other  nonsense  have  you  been  putting  into  the  poor 
child's  head,  you  wretch  ?  " 

I  went  up  to  have  a  parting  romp  with  Rosemary 
on  the  last  night  of  her  stay  with  me,  to  have  my  last 
sip  of  honey  from  her  delectable  neck.  The  Countess 
paid  but  little  attention  to  us.  She  sat  over  in  the 
window  and  stared  out  into  the  dusky  shadows  of  the 
falling  night.  My  heart  was  sore.  I  was  miserable. 
The  last  romp ! 

Blake  finally  snatched  Rosemary  off  to  bed.  It  was 
then  that  the  Countess  aroused  herself  and  came  over 
to  me  with  a  sad  little  smile  on  her  lips. 

"  Good  night,"  she  said,  rather  wistfully,  holding 
out  her  hand  to  me. 

I  deliberately  glanced  at  my  watch.  "  It's  only  ten 
minutes  past  eight,"  I  said,  reproachfully. 

"  I  know,"  she  said,  quietly.     "  Good  night." 


CHAPTER     XVIII 

I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST 

FOUR  o'clock  in  the  morning  is  a  graceless  hour. 
Graveyards  may  yawn  at  twelve  but  even  they  are  con 
tent  to  slumber  at  four.  I  don't  believe  there  is  any 
thing  so  desolate  in  this  world  as  the  mental  perspective 
one  obtains  at  four  o'clock.  Tombstones  are  bright 
beacons  of  cheer  as  compared  to  the  monumental  regret 
one  experiences  on  getting  up  to  greet  the  alleged  and 
vastly  over-rated  glories  of  a  budding  day.  The  sun 
rise  is  a  pall!  It  is  a  deadly,  dour  thing.  It  may 
be  pink  and  red  and  golden  and  full  of  all  the  splen 
dours  of  the  east,  but  it  is  a  resurrection  and  you  can't 
make  anything  else  out  of  it.  Staying  up  till  four  and 
then  going  to  bed  gives  one  an  idea  of  the  sunrise  that 
is  not  supported  by  the  facts ;  there  is  but  one  way  to 
appreciate  the  real  nature  of  the  hateful  thing  called 
idawn,  and  that  is  to  get  up  with  it  instead  of  taking 
it  to  bed  with  you. 

Still,  I  suppose  the  sun  has  to  come  up  and  perhaps 
it  is  just  as  well  that  it  does  so  at  an  hour  when  people 
are  least  likely  to  suspect  it  of  anything  so  shabby. 

Four  o'clock  is  more  than  a  graceless,  sodden  hour 
when  it  ushers  in  a  day  that  you  know  is  to  be  the  un- 
happiest  in  your  life;  when  you  know  that  you  are  to 
say  farewell  forever  to  the  hopes  begot  and  nurtured 
in  other  days ;  when  the  one  you  love  smiles  and  goes 
away  to  smile  again  but  not  for  you.  And  that  is  just 
what  four  o'clock  on  the  morning  of  the  fourteenth  of 

September  meant  to  me. 

324 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        325 

Britton  and  I  set  forth  in  the  automobile  just  at  the 
break  of  dawn,  crossing  the  river  a  few  miles  below  the 
castle,  and  running  back  to  a  point  on  the  right  hand 
bank  where  we  were  to  await  the  arrival  of  the  boat 
conveying  the  Countess  and  her  escort.  Her  luggage, 
carefully  disguised  as  crated  merchandise,  had  gone  to 
Trieste  by  fast  express  a  couple  of  days  before,  sent 
in  my  name  and  consigned  to  a  gentleman  whose  name 
I  do  not  now  recall,  but  who  in  reality  served  as  a  sort 
of  middleman  in  transferring  the  shipment  to  the  cus 
tody  of  a  certain  yacht's  commander. 

It  was  required  of  me  —  and  of  my  machine,  which 
is  more  to  the  point  —  that  the  distance  of  one  hun 
dred  and  twenty  miles  through  the  foothills  of  the  Aus 
trian  Alps  should  be  covered  and  the  passengers  deliv 
ered  at  a  certain  railway  station  fifty  miles  or  more 
south  of  Vienna  before  ten  o'clock  that  night.  There 
they  were  to  catch  a  train  for  the  little  seaport  on  the 
upper  Adriatic,  the  name  of  which  I  was  sworn  never 
to  reveal,  and,  as  I  have  not  considered  it  worth  while 
to  be  released  from  that  oath,  I  am  of  necessity  com 
pelled  to  omit  the  mention  of  it  here. 

Mr.  Bangs  went  on  to  Vienna  the  night  before  our 
departure,  taking  with  him  Helene  Marie  Louise  An 
toinette,  a  rather  shocking  arrangement  you  would  say 
unless  you  had  come  to  know  the  British  lawyer  as  well 
as  we  knew  him.  They  were  to  proceed  by  the  early 
morning  train  to  this  obscure  seaport.  Colingraft 
Titus  elected  to  accompany  his  sister  the  entire  length 
of  the  journey,  with  the  faithful  Blake  and  Rosemary. 

Billy  Smith  was  to  meet  us  a  few  miles  outside  the 
town  for  which  we  were  bound,  with  a  word  of  warning 
if  there  was  anything  sinister  in  the  wind. 

I  heard  afterwards  from  Poopendyke  that  the  de- 


326  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

parture  of  the  Countess  and  Rosemary  from  the  castle 
in  the  greyt  forlorn  dawn  of  that  historic  fourteenth 
was  attended  by  a  demonstration  of  grief  on  the  part 
of  the  four  Schmicks  that  was  far  beyond  his  powers  of 
description,  and  he  possesses  a  wonderful  ability  to 
describe  lachrymose  situations,  rather  running  to  that 
style  of  incident,  I  may  say.  The  elder  Schmicks 
wailed  and  boo-hooed  and  proclaimed  to  the  topmost 
turrets  that  the  sun  would  never  shine  again  for  either 
of  them,  and,  to  prove  that  she  was  quite  in  earnest 
about  the  matter,  Gretel  fell  off  the  dock  into  the  river 
and  was  nearly  drowned  before  Jasper,  Jr.,  could  dive 
in  and  get  her.  Their  sons,  both  of  whom  cherished 
amorous  feelings  for  Blake,  sighed  so  prodigiously 
all  the  way  down  the  river  that  the  boat  rocked.  In 
cidentally,  during  the  excitement,  Jinko,  who  was  to 
remain  behind  and  journey  westward  later  on  with  Mrs. 
Titus  and  Jasper,  Jr.,  succeeded  after  weeks  of  vain 
endeavour  in  smartly  nipping  the  calf  of  Hawkes'  left 
leg,  a  feat  of  which  he  no  doubt  was  proud  but  which 
sentenced  my  impressive  butler  to  an  everlasting  dread 
of  hydrophobia  and  a  temporary  limp. 

It  was  nearing  five  o'clock  when  the  boat  slipped  into 
view  around  the  tree-covered  point  of  land  and  headed 
straight  for  our  hiding  place  on  the  bank. 

I  shall  not  stop  here  to  describe  the  firsC  stage  of  our 
journey  through  the  narrow,  rocky  by-roads  that 
ended  eventually  in  the  broad,  alpine  highway  south  and 
west  of  Vienna.  Let  it  be  sufficient  to  say  that  we 
jostled  along  for  twelve  or  fifteen  miles  without  special 
incident,  although  we  were  nervously  anxious  and  ap 
prehensive.  Our  guide  book  pointed,  or  rather  twid 
dled,  a  route  from  the  river  flats  into  the  hills,  where 
we  came  up  with  the  main  road  about  eight  o'clock. 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        327 

We  were  wrapped  and  goggled  to  the  verge  of  ludi- 
crousness.  It  would  have  been  quite  impossible  to 
penetrate  our  motor-masks  and  armour,  even  for  one 
possessed  of  a  keen  and  practiced  eye.  The  Countess 
was  heavily  veiled;  great  goggles  bulged  beneath  the 
green,  gauzy  thing  that  protected  her  lovely  face  from 
sun,  wind  and  man.  A  motor  coat,  two  or  three  sizes 
too  large,  enveloped  her  slender,  graceful  figure,  and 
gauntlets  covered  her  hands.  Even  Rosemary's  tiny 
face  was  wrapped  in  a  silken  veil  of  white.  As  for  the 
rest  of  us,  we  could  not  have  been  mistaken  for  any 
thing  on  earth  but  American  automobilists,  ruthlessly 
inspired  to  see  Europe  with  the  sole  view  to  comparing 
her  roads  with  our  own  at  home.  You  would  have 
said,  on  seeing  us,  that  we  knew  a  great  deal  about 
roads  and  very  little  about  home. 

Colingraft  and  Britton, —  the  latter  at  the  wheel, — 
sat  in  the  front  seat,  while  I  shared  the  broad  cushions 
of  the  tonneau  with  the  Countess,  part  of  the  time  hold 
ing  Rosemary,  who  was  clamouring  for  food,  and  the 
rest  of  the  time  holding  my  breath  in  the  fear  that  we 
might  slip  over  a  precipice.  I  am  always  nervous  when 
not  driving  the  car  myself. 

We  stopped  for  breakfast  at  a  small  mountain  inn, 
fifteen  miles  from  our  starting  place.  The  Countess, 
a  faint  red  spot  in  each  cheek  and  a  curiously  bright, 
feverish  glow  in  her  dark  eyes,  revealed  a  tendency  to 
monopolise  the  conversation,  a  condition  properly  at 
tributed  to  nervous  excitement.  I  could  see  that  she 
was  vastly  thrilled  by  the  experiences  of  the  hour ;  her 
quick,  alert  brain  was  keeping  pace  with  the  rush  of 
blood  that  stimulated  every  fibre  in  her  body  to  new 
activities.  She  talked  almost  incessantly,  and  chiefly 
about  matters  entirely  foreign  to  the  enterprise  in  hand. 


328  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

The  more  I  see  of  women,  the  less  I  know  about  them. 
Why  she  should  have  spent  the  whole  half  hour  de 
voted  to  breakfast  to  a  surprisingly  innocuous  disser 
tation  on  Schopenhauer  and  Nietzsche  is  —  or  was  — 
beyond  me. 

How  was  I  to  know  that  tears  lay  close  to  the  surface 
of  those  shimmering,  vivacious  eyes?  How  was  I  to 
know  that  sobs  took  refuge  behind  a  simulated  interest 
in  philosophy? 

We  had  luncheon  picnic  fashion  half-way  to  our 
journey's  end,  diverging  from  the  main  road  to  find  a 
secluded  spot  where  we  could  spread  our  cloth  and  open 
our  hampers  without  fear  of  interruption  or,  to  use  a 
more  sinister  word,  detection.  It  was  rather  a  jolly 
aifair,  that  first  and  last  al  fresco  banquet  of  ours 
under  the  spreading  branches  of  mighty  trees  and  be 
side  the  trickling  waters  of  a  gay  little  mountain  brook 
that  hurried  like  mad  down  to  the  broad  channel  of 
the  Danube,  now  many  miles  away.  The  strain  of  the 
first  few  hours  had  slackened.  Success  seemed  assured. 
We  had  encountered  no  difficulties,  no  dangers  in  town 
or  country.  No  one  appeared  to  be  interested  in  us 
except  through  idle  curiosity ;  villagers  and  peasants 
stared  at  us  and  grinned ;  policemen  and  soldiers  stood 
aside  to  let  us  pass,  or  gave  directions  politely  when 
requested  to  do  so.  There  were  no  signs  of  pursuit, 
no  indications  of  trouble  ahead.  And  so  .we  could  af 
ford  to  be  gay  and  confident  at  our  midday  meal  in  the 
hills  bordering  the  broad  highway. 

We  even  went  so  far  as  to  arrange  for  a  jolly  reunion 
in  New  York  City  at  no  distant  day !  I  remember  dis 
tinctly  that  we  were  to  dine  at  Sherry's.  To  me,  the 
day  seemed  a  long  way  off. 

I  suppose,  being  a  writer  of  fiction,  I  should  be  able 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        329 

to  supply  at  this  point  in  the  narrative,  a  series  of 
thrilling,  perhaps  hair-raising  encounters  with  the 
enemy,  in  the  form  of  spies,  cut-throats,  imperial  mer 
cenaries  or  whatever  came  handiest  to  the  imagination. 
It  would  be  a  very  simple  matter  to  transform  this 
veracious  history  into  the  most  lurid  of  melodramas  by 
the  introduction  of  the  false  and  bizarre,  but  it  is  not 
my  purpose  to  do  so.  I  mean  to  adhere  strictly  to 
the  truth  and  stand  by  the  consequences.  Were  I  in 
clined  to  sensationalism  it  would  be  no  trouble  at  all 
for  me  to  have  Tarnowsy's  agents  shooting  at  our  tires 
or  gasoline  tank  from  every  crag  and  cranny;  or  to 
have  Rosemary  kidnapped  by  aeroplanists  supplied 
with  drag-hooks ;  or  to  have  the  Countess  lodged  in  a 
village  prison  from  which  I  should  be  obliged  to  liberate 
her  with  battle-axe  and  six-shooter,  my  compensation 
being  a  joyous  rest  in  a  hospital  with  the  fair  Aline 
nursing  me  back  to  health  and  strength  and  cooing 
fond  words  in  my  rapacious  ear  the  while  I  reflected  on 
the  noble  endowments  of  a  nature  that  heretofore  had 
been  commonplace  and  meek.  But,  no !  None  of  these 
things  happened  and  I  decline  to  perjure  myself  for 
the  privilege  of  getting  into  the  list  of  "  six  best 
sellers." 

So  far  as  I  am  able  to  judge,  there  was  absolutely 
no  heroism  displayed  during  our  flight  through  the 
hills  and  valleys,  unless  you  are  willing  to  accept  as 
such  a  single  dash  of  sixty  miles  an  hour  which  Britton 
made  in  order  to  avoid  a  rain-shower  that  threatened 
to  flank  us  if  we  observed  the  speed  laws. 

But  wait!  There  was  an  example  of  bravado  on 
my  part  that  shall  not  go  unrecorded.  I  hesitated  at 
first  to  put  it  down  in  writing,  but  my  sense  of  honour 
urges  me  to  confess  everything.  It  happened  just 


330  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

after  that  memorable  picnic  luncheon  in  the  shady  dell. 
The  Countess,  I  maintain,  was  somewhat  to  blame  for 
the  incident.  She  suggested  that  we, —  that  is  to  say, 
the  two  of  us, —  explore  the  upper  recesses  of  this  pic 
turesque  spot  while  the  others  were  making  ready  for 
the  resumption  of  our  journey. 

Shame,  contrition,  humiliation  or  whatever  you  may 
elect  to  call  it,  forbids  a  lengthy  or  even  apologetic 
explanation  of  what  followed  her  unfortunate  sugges 
tion.  I  shall  get  over  with  it  in  as  few  words  as  pos 
sible. 

In  the  most  obscure  spot  in  all  those  ancient  hills, 
I  succumbed  to  an  execrable  impulse  to  take  her  forcibly 
in  my  arms  and  kiss  her!  I  don't  know  why  I  did  it, 
or  how,  but  that  is  just  what  happened.  My  shame, 
my  horror  over  the  transcendental  folly  was  made  al 
most  unbearable  by  the  way  in  which  she  took  it.  At 
first  I  thought  she  had  swooned,  she  lay  so  limp  and 
unresisting  in  my  arms.  My  only  excuse,  whispered 
penitently  in  her  ear,  was  that  I  couldn't  help  doing 
what  I  had  done,  and  that  I  deserved  to  be  drawn  and 
quartered  for  taking  advantage  of  my  superior 
strength  and  her  gentle  forbearance.  Strange  to  say, 
she  merely  looked  at  me  in  a  sort  of  dumb  wonder  and 
quietly  released  herself,  still  staring  at  me  as  if  I  were 
the  most  inexplicable  puzzle  in  the  world.  Her  cheeks, 
her  throat,  her  brow  grew  warm  and  pink  with  a  just 
indignation;  her  lips  parted  but  she  uttered  no  word. 
Then  I  followed  her  dejectedly,  cravenly  back  to  the 
roadside  and  executed  an  inward  curse  that  would 
hang  over  my  miserable  head  so  long  as  it  was  on  my 
shoulders. 

Her  vivacity  was  gone.  She  shrank  down  into  the 
corner  of  the  seat,  and,  with  her  back  half  turned 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        331 

toward  me,  gazed  steadfastly  at  the  panoramic  valley 
which  we  were  skirting.  From  time  to  time  I  glanced 
at  her  out  of  the  corners  of  my  eyes,  and  eventually 
was  somewhat  relieved  to  see  that  she  had  closed  her 
own  and  was  dozing.  My  soul  was  in  despair.  She 
loathed,  despised  me.  I  could  not  blame  her.  I  de 
spised  myself. 

And  yet  my  heart  quickened  every  time  I  allowed 
myself  to  think  of  the  crime  I  had  committed. 

The  day  was  a  glorious  one  and  the  road  more  than 
passably  good.  We  bowled  along  at  a  steady  rate  of 
speed  and  sundown  found  us  about  twenty-five  miles 
from  our  destination.  Not  caring  to  run  the  risk  of 
a  prolonged  stay  in  the  town,  we  drew  up  at  a  roadside 
inn  and  had  our  dinner  in  the  quaint  little  garden,  after 
wards  proceeding  leisurely  by  moonlight  down  the 
sloping  highway. 

Billy  Smith  met  us  six  or  eight  miles  out  and  we 
stopped  to  parley.  He  examined  the  Countess's  skilfully 
prepared  passports,  pronounced  them  genuine  ( !), 
and  then  gave  us  the  cheerful  news  that  "  every 
thing  was  lovely  and  the  goose  hung  high."  The 
train  for  the  coast  was  due  to  leave  the  Staats-bahn- 
hof  at  10.05,  and  we  had  an  hour  to  spare.  He  pro 
posed  that  we  spend  it  quite  comfortably  at  the  road- 
rfide  while  Britton  went  through  the  pretence  of  re 
pairing  our  tires.  This  seemed  an  agreeable  ar 
rangement  for  every  one  but  Britton,  who  looked  so 
glum  that  I,  glad  of  the  excuse,  offered  to  help  him. 

No  sooner  was  I  out  of  the  car  and  Billy  Smith 
in  my  place  beside  the  Countess  than  she  became  quite 
gay  and  vivacious  once  more.  She  laughed  and 
chatted  with  him  in  a  manner  that  promptly  convinced 
me  that  propinquity  so  far  as  I  was  concerned  had 


A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

had  a  most  depressing  effect  upon  her,  and  that  she 
revelled  in  the  change  of  companions. 

I  was.  so  disturbed  by  the  discovery  that  Britton 
had  to  caution  me  several  times  to  handle  the  inner 
tubes  less  roughly  or  I  would  damage  them  and  we 
might  suffer  a  blow-out  after  all. 

Every  one  appeared  to  be  gay  and  frivolous,  even 
Blake,  who  chattered  sotto  voce  with  Britton,  that  ex 
cellent  rascal  spending  most  of  his  time  leaning  against 
the  spare  tires  in  order  to  catch  what  she  was  saying 
for  his  benefit.  All  efforts  to  draw  me  into  the  gen 
eral  conversation  were  unavailing.  I  was  as  morose 
and  unresponsive  as  an  Egyptian  mummy,  and  for  a 
very  excellent  reason,  I  submit.  The  Countess  de 
liberately  refused  to  address  a  single  remark  to  me. 
Indeed,  when  I  seemed  perilously  near  to  being  drawn 
into  the  conversation  she  relapsed  into  a  silence  that 
was  most  forbidding.  My  cup  of  misery  was  over 
flowing. 

I  wondered  if  she  would  feel  called  upon,  at  some 
distant  confessional,  to  tell  the  fortunate  Lord  Am- 
berdale  that  I  had  brutally  kissed  her.  And  Lord 
Amberdale  would  grin  in  his  beastly  supercilious  Eng 
lish  way  and  say :  "  What  else  could  you  have  ex 
pected  from  a  bally  American  bounder?  "  She  would 
no  doubt  smile  indulgently. 

Heigh-ho ! 

All  things  come  to  an  end,  however.  We  found  our 
selves  at  last  uttering  our  good-byes  in  the  railway 
station,  surrounded  by  hurrying  travellers  and  at 
tended  by  eager  porters. 

The  Countess  did  not  lift  her  veil.  I  deliberately 
drew  her  aside.  My  hot  hand  clasped  hers,  and  found 
it  as  cold  as  ice  and  trembling. 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        333 

"  For  God's  sake,"  I  whispered  hoarsely  in  my  hum 
bleness,  "  say  that  you  forgive  me?  " 

She  did  not  speak  for  many  seconds.  Then  her 
voice  was  very  low  and  tremulous.  I  felt  that  her 
sombre  eyes  were  accusing  me  even  as  they  tried  to  meet 
my  own  with  a  steadiness  that  was  meant  to  be  reas 
suring. 

"  Of  course  I  forgive  you,"  she  said.  "  You  have 
been  so  good  to  me." 

"  Good !  "  I  cried  bitterly.  "  I've  been  harsh,  un 
reasoning,  super-critical  from  the  day  I  met  — " 

"  Hush ! "  she  said,  laying  her  free  hand  upon  my 
arm.  "  I  shall  never  forget  all  that  you  have  done 
for  me.  I  —  I  can  say  no  more." 

I  gulped.  *'  I  pray  to  heaven  that  you  may  be 
happy,  Aline, —  happier  than  any  one  else  in  the 
world." 

She  lowered  her  head  suddenly,  and  I  was  made  more 
miserable  than  before  by  hearing  a  quick,  half-sup 
pressed  sob.  Then  she  withdrew  her  cold  little  hand 
and  turned  away  to  follow  Colingraft  who  had  called 
out  to  her. 

I  saw  them  board  the  train.  In  my  heart  there  was 
the  memory  of  a  dozen  kisses  I  had  bestowed  in  re 
pentant  horror  upon  the  half-asleep  Rosemary,  who, 
God  bless  her  little  soul,  cried  bitterly  on  being  torn 
away  from  my  embrace. 

"  Well,"  said  Billy  Smith,  taking  me  by  the  arm  a 
few  minutes  later,  "  let's  have  a  bite  to  eat  and  a  cold 
bottle  before  we  go  to  bed,  old  chap.  I  hope  to  heaven 
she  gets  through  all  right.  Damme,  I  am  strong  for 
her,  aren't  you?" 

"  I  am,"  said  I,  with  conviction,  coming  out  of  a 
idaze. 


334  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

He  led  me  off  to  a  cafe  where  he  seemed  to  be  more 
or  less  at  home,  and  where  it  was  bright  and  gay  for 
him  but  gloomier  than  the  grave  to  me. 

I  drove  the  car  home  the  next  day.  When  we  got 
down  at  the  garage,  Britton  shivered  and  drew  a  prodi 
gious  breath.  It  was  as  if  he  had  not  breathed  for 
hours.  We  had  gone  the  distance  in  little  more  than 
half  the  time  taken  on  the  trip  down. 

"  My  word,  sir,"  was  all  he  said,  but  there  was  a 
significant  tremor  in  his  voice.  It  smacked  of  pride. 

Mrs.  Titus  placidly  inquired  how  we  had  got  along, 
and  appeared  quite  relieved  when  I  told  her  we  had 

caught  the  train  at  K .  Jasper,  Jr.,  revealed  a 

genuine  interest  in  the  enterprise,  but  spoiled  it  all  by 
saying  that  Aline,  now  prematurely  safe,  was  most 
likely  to  leap  out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire  by  mar 
rying  some  blithering  foreigner  and  having  the  whole 
beastly  business  to  do  over  again. 

"  How  soon  do  they  go  ?  "  asked  Poopendyke  late 
that  afternoon,  after  listening  to  Mrs.  Titus's  amiable 
prophecies  concerning  Aline's  future  activities,  and 
getting  my  harassed  ear  in  a  moment  of  least  resist 
ance. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  I,  hopelessly.  I  had  heard 
about  all  I  could  endure  concerning  his  lordship's 
magnificent  estates  in  England,  and  the  sort  of  a  lord 
he  was  besides.  "  There's  nothing  to  do  but  wait, 
Fred." 

"  She  is  a  remarkably  fine  woman  but  — "  He  com 
pleted  the  estimate  by  shaking  his  head,  trusting  to 
my  intelligence,  I  suppose. 

We  waited  two  days  for  word  from  the  fugitives. 
Late  in  the  afternoon  of  the  second  day,  Britton  re- 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        335 

turned  from  town  with  a  telegram  for  me.     It  said: 

"  Cargo  safely  aboard  Pendennis,  Captain  Pardee  com 
manding.     Clear  at  two  to-day.     Everything  satisfactory. 
(Signed)  "  C.  G.  RAFT." 

No  sooner  was  this  reassuring  news  received  than 
Mrs.  Titus  complacently  set  about  having  her  trunks 
packed.  The  entire  household  was  in  a  stew  of  activity, 
for  she  had  suddenly  decided  to  catch  the  eight  o'clock 
train  for  Paris.  I  telephoned  to  reserve  accommodation 
on  the  Orient  Express  from  Vienna,  and  also  to  have  it 
stopped  at  the  town  across  the  river,  a  concession  se 
cured  at  a  no  inconsiderable  cost. 

She  was  to  travel  once  more  as  my  mother. 

"  You  will  not  fail  to  look  us  up  when  you  come  to 
New  York,  will  you,  Mr.  Smart?  Mr.  Titus  will  not 
be  happy  until  he  has  expressed  to  you  in  person  his 
endless  gratitude.  You  have  been  splendid.  We  shall 
never  forget  your  kindness,  your  thoughtfulness,  your 
—  your  forbearance.  I  —  I  — " 

Upon  my  word,  there  were  real  tears  in  the  dear 
lady's  eyes!  I  forgot  and  forgave  much  in  recogni 
tion  of  this  instant  of  genuine  feeling  on  her  part. 
It  was  not  necessary  for  her  to  complete  the  sentence 
so  humbly  begun. 

Their  departure  was  made  with  some  degree  of  cau 
tion,  Mrs.  Titus  rather  considerately  reminding  herself 
that  my  interests  were  at  stake.  I  saw  them  aboard 
the  train ;  she  played  her  part  admirably,  I  will  say  that 
for  her.  She  lifted  her  veil  so  that  I  could  bestow  a 
farewell  filial  kiss  upon  her  cheek.  Jasper,  Jr.'s,  eyes 
popped  very  wide  open  at  this,  and,  as  he  shook  my 
hand  warmly  at  parting,  he  said: 

"  You  are  a  wonder,  John, —  a  sure  enough  wonder. 
Why,  hang  it  all,  she  doesn't  even  let  dad  do  that." 


336  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

But  Jasper,  Jr.,  was  very  young  and  he  couldn't  un 
derstand. 

At  last  we  were  to  ourselves,  my  extensive  household 
and  I.  Late  that  night  I  sat  in  my  study  considering 
the  best  means  of  reducing  my  staff  of  servants  and  in 
computing,  with  dismay,  the  cost  of  being  a  princely 
host  to  people  who  had  not  the  least  notion  what  it 
meant  to  do  sums  in  economic  subtraction.  It  was  soon 
apparent  to  me  that  retrenchment,  stern  and  relentless, 
would  have  to  follow  upon  my  wild  though  brief  season 
of  profligacy.  I  decided  to  dismiss  the  scullery-maid. 

I  was  indescribably  lonely.  Poopendyke  was  wor 
ried  about  my  pallor,  my  lassitude.  At  the  end  of  a 
week,  he  took  it  upon  himself  to  drop  a  line  to  the 
Hazzards,  urging  them  to  run  out  for  a  visit  in  the 
hope  that  company  might  take  me  out  of  myself.  All 
attempts  to  renew  my  work  on  the  ill-fated  novel  met 
with  utter  failure.  The  power  of  mental  concentra 
tion  was  gone.  I  spent  most  of  my  time  in  the  garden. 

The  Hazzards  came  and  with  them  the  joyously 
beautiful  Betty  Billy.  Poopendyke  must  have  pre 
pared  them  for  the  task  in  hand,  for  they  proceeded  at 
once  to  transform  the  bleak,  dreary  old  castle  into  a 
sort  of  hilarious  merry-go-round,  with  me  in  the  very 
vortex  of  it  all.  They  succeeded  in  taking  me  "  out 
of  myself,"  I  will  say  that  for  them.  My  spirits  took 
an  upward  bound  and,  wonderful  to  relate,  retained 
their  altitude  in  spite  of  all  I  could  do  to  lower  them. 
I  did  not  want  to  be  happy ;  I  figured  that  I  owed  it  to 
my  recently  aroused  temperament  to  be  permanently 
unhappy.  But  the  wind  blew  another  way  and  I 
drifted  amiably  with  it,  as  a  derelict  drifts  with  the 
currents  of  the  ocean  but  preferably  with  the  warm 
gulf  stream. 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        337 

We  had  word  from  Mrs.  Titus,  in  London,  that 
negotiations  had  been  reopened  with  the  Count,  and  that 
a  compromise  might  be  expected.  The  obdurate  no 
bleman  had  agreed,  it  seemed,  to  meet  Jasper  Titus's 
lawyers  in  Paris  at  no  distant  date.  My  chief  concern 
however  was  for  the  Countess  herself.  That  she  had 
successfully  reached  the  high  seas  was  apparent ;  if  not, 
the  newspapers,  which  I  read  with  eagerness,  would  have 
been  filled  with  accounts  of  her  seizure.  We  eagerly 
awaited  the  promised  cablegram  from  New  York,  an 
nouncing  her  safe  arrival  there.. 

Smith  joined  us  at  the  end  of  the  week.  I  nerved 
myself  to  question  him  about  the  Englishman. 

"  Splendid  fellow,"  said  he,  with  discouraging 
fervour.  "  One  of  the  finest  chaps  I  know,  eh, 
George?" 

"  For  an  Englishman,"  admitted  Hazzard. 

"  He's  a  gentleman,  and  that's  more  than  you  can  say 
for  the  rag-tag  of  nobility  that  paid  court  to  Aline 
Tarnowsy.  He  was  in  love  with  her,  but  he  was  a  gen 
tleman  about  it.  A  thoroughbred,  I  say." 

"  Good  looking?  "  I  enquired. 

"  Well,  rather !  The  sort  of  chap  women  rave  about. 
Ask  Betty.  She  was  mad  about  him.  But  he  couldn't 
see  anything  in  her.  I  think  she  hates  him  now.  He 
had  eyes  for  no  one  but  the  fair  Countess.  An  awful 
grind  on  Betty.  She's  used  to  something  different." 

Hazzard  studied  the  clouds  that  drifted  over  our 
heads.  "  I  wonder  if  Aline  cared  anything  for  him." 

"  I've  always  believed  that  she  liked  him  better  than 
she  cared  to  admit,  even  to  herself." 

"  I  fancy  he'll  not  let  any  grass  grow  under  his  feet, 
now  that  she's  free,"  said  Dr.  Hazzard. 

"Think  she'll  have  him?" 


338  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Why  not?  He  has  a  much  better  position  in  Eng 
land  than  Tarnowsy  has  here,  and  he's  not  after  her 
money.  I  hate  to  say  it,  but  Aline  is  a  seeker  after 
titles.  She  wouldn't  be  averse  to  adding  '  your  lady 
ship  '  to  her  collection." 

"  Oh,  come !  "  I  protested.  "  That  is  a  nasty  thing 
to  say,  George." 

"  She  may  have  been  regenerated,"  he  said  obli 
gingly.  "  You  know  her  better  than  I  do,  old  chap. 
What  say?  " 

"  I  didn't  say  anything,"  I  muttered. 

"  I  thought  you  did." 

I  hesitated  a  moment  and  then  purged  myself  of  the 
truth.  "  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  have  reason  to  believe 
she's  in  love  with  Amberdale  and  has  been  for  a  long 
time.  I'm  not  saying  it  in  disparagement,  believe  me. 
God  knows  she's  entitled  to  something  decent  and  fine 
in  the  shape  of  love.  I  hope  he's  good  enough  for 
her." 

They  looked  at  me  with  interest,  and  Smith  broke  the 
momentary  silence. 

"  Oh,  he's  good  enough  for  her,"  he  said,  with  a 
queer  smile. 

"  I'm  glad  of  that,"  I  said  gruffly. 

"  The  old  la  —  I  mean  Mrs.  Titus  will  be  tickled  to 
death  if  the  match  is  pulled  off,"  said  Hazzard. 

"  She  was  tickled  the  first  time,"  said  I  sententiously, 
and  changed  the  subject.  There  was  no  sense  in  pro 
longing  the  agony. 

Toward  the  close  of  their  visit,  a  message  arrived 
from  the  Countess  herself,  signed  with  the  fictitious 
name  we  had  agreed  upon.  The  news  she  gave  caused 
us  to  celebrate  that  night.  We  had  a  bonfire  in  the 
courtyard  and  drank  to  the  god  of  Good  Luck. 


I  SPEED  THE  PARTING  GUEST        339 

"  Cargo  safely  landed  in  New  York  and  forwarded  to 
the  Adirondacks  for  storage  and  to  await  the  appearance  of 
a  claimant.  Former  owner  has  agreed  to  accept  million 
and  a  half  and  release  all  claims.  When  are  you  coming 
over?  (Signed)  Alrose." 

By  the  most  extraordinary  coincidence,  a  curt,  busi 
ness-like  letter  arrived  in  the  evening  post  from  Maris 
Tarnowsy,  post-marked  Paris.  Its  contents  stag 
gered  me. 

"  John  Bellamy  Smart,  Esquire. 

DEAR  MR.  SMART:  Will  you  put  a  price  on  Schloss 
Rothhoefen?  I  am  desirous  of  purchasing  the  castle  if 
you  care  to  sell  and  we  can  agree  upon  a  fair  price  for  the 
property.  Sentiment  moves  me  in  this  matter  and  I  ear 
nestly  hope  that  you  may  be  induced  to  part  with  your 
white  elephant.  If  you  will  be  so  kind  as  to  wire  your  de 
cision,  you  will  find  me  deeply  grateful,  and  at  the  Ritz 
for  the  ensuing  fortnight. 

Faithfully  yours, 

MARIS  TARNOWSY." 

My  "  white  elephant ! "  I  was  so  eager  to  get  rid 
of  it  that  I  would  have  wired  at  once,  naming  a  figure 
proportionately  low  had  it  not  been  for  the  united  pro 
tests  of  my  four  friends  and  the  canny  advice  of  Mr- 
Poopendyke. 

"  Soak  him,"  said  he,  and  I  arose  to  the  occa 
sion. 

I  waited  for  three  days  and  then  telegraphed  him 
that  I  would  not  take  a  heller  less  than  two  hundred 
and  fifty  thousand  dollars,  more  than  doubling  the  price 
I  had  paid  for  the  property.  I  was  prepared,  how 
ever,  to  come  down  a  paltry  hundred  thousand  or  so 
if  he  revealed  signs  of  reluctance. 


340  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

We   built   another   bonfire   that   night   and   danced 
around  it  like  so  many  savages. 

"  Terms   acceptable.     Will  come  to   Schloss   Rothhoefen 
at  once  to  complete  the  transfer. 

TARNOWSY." 


CHAPTER    XIX 

I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES 

ACCOMPANIED  by  Hazzard  and  Smith,  I  went  over  the 
castle  from  top  to  bottom,  in  quest  of  the  reason  for 
Tarnowsy's  prompt  acceptance  of  my  demand.  We 
made  no  doubt  that  he  had  a  good  and  sufficient  reason 
for  wanting  the  place,  and  but  one  thing  suggested 
itself  to  our  imagination:  his  absolute  certainty  that 
treasure  was  hidden  somewhere  about  tne  venerable  pile, 
treasure  of  considerable  magnitude,  you  may  be  sure, 
or  he  would  not  have  revealed  such  alacrity  in  accept 
ing  my  terms.  Sentiment  had  nothing  to  do  with  this 
surprising  move  on  his  part.  That  was  all  bosh.  He 
had  an  ulterior  motive,  and  it  was  for  me  to  get  the 
better  of  him  at  his  own  game  if  I  could.  While  I  was 
eager  to  get  rid  of  the  castle  at  any  price,  I  did  not 
relish  the  thought  of  being  laughed  at  for  a  fool  by 
Maris  Tarnowsy  after  he  had  laid  his  greedy  hands 
upon  treasure  that  had  been  mine  without  my  knowl 
edge. 

He  was  no  fool.  The  castle  meant  nothing  to  him  as 
a  home  or  as  an  investment.  No  doubt  he  would  blow 
it  to  pieces  in  order  to  unearth  the  thing  he  knew 
its  walls  secreted. 

We  spent  two  unprofitable  days  in  going  over  the 
place,  and  in  the  end  sank  down  tired,  defeated  and 
without  the  slightest  evidence  in  our  possession  that 
so  much  as  a  half  crown  lay  hidden  there  as  treasure- 
trove.  I  gave  in  and  announced  that  if  Tarnowsy  could 

341 


342  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

find  anything  worth  having  he  was  entitled  to  it  so  far  as 
I  was  concerned,  and  I  wouldn't  begrudge  him  a  farth 
ing's  worth. 

He  telegraphed  that  he  would  arrive  on  the 
morning  of  the  third  day,  accompanied  by  his  lawyer, 
a  notary  and  an  architect.  My  four  guests  departed 
in  haste  by  the  late  night  train,  after  extracting  a 
promise  from  me  to  join  them  in  Vienna  when  I  was  no 
longer  the  master  of  Schloss  Rothhoefen.  I  rather 
relished  the  thought  of  a  brief  vacation ! 

Then,  like  the  spider,  I  crept  back  into  my  web  and 
waited  for  the  foolish  fly,  Tcnowing  all  the  time  that  he 
would  have  the  better  of  me  in  the  long  run. 

I  confess  to  a  feeling  of  sadness  in  parting  with  the 
place,  after  all,  elephantine  though  it  was  in  every 
sense  of  the  word.  Within  its  grey  and  ancient  walls 
that  beautiful  thing  called  love  had  come  to  me,  to  live 
with  me  forever.  It  had  come  unbidden,  against  my 
will,  against  my  better  judgment,  and  in  spite  of  my 
prejudices,  but  still  it  was  a  thing  to  cherish  and  to  hold 
in  its  virgin  youth  all  through  the  long  years  to  come. 
It  would  always  be  young  and  sweet  and  rose-coloured, 
this  unrequited  love  of  mine.  Walking  through  the 
empty,  dismantled  rooms  that  had  once  been  hers,  I 
grew  sick  with  longing,  and,  in  something  like  fear, 
fled  downward,  absurd  tears  blinding  my  eyes.  Verily, 
I  was  a  fool, —  a  monstrous,  silly  fool ! 

Tarnowsy  was  as  bland  and  smiling  as  a  May  morn 
ing  as  he  came  jauntily  down  the  great  hall  to  where  I 
awaited  him. 

"  I  am  here  incognito,  my  dear  Smart,"  he  said,  ex 
tending  his  gloved  hand,  which  I  took  perforce.  "  Sub 
rosa,  you  might  say,"  he  went  on  with  a  wry  smile.  "  A 
stupid,  unchivalric  empire  has  designs  upon  me,  per- 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  343 

functorily  perhaps,  but  it's  just  as  well  not  to  stir  up 
the  monkeys,  as  you  Americans  would  put  it." 

"  Our  late  friend,  the  baron,  was  not  totally  without 
friends,  I  take  it,"  said  I  drily. 

He  made  a  grimace.  "  Nor  enemies,"  he  declared. 
"  Brave  men  usually  have  more  enemies  than  friends, 
and  he  was  a  brave  man,  a  truly  brave  man.  Because 
he  was  a  brave  man  I  have  no  feeling  of  regret  over 
the  outcome  of  our  —  er  —  meeting.  It  is  no  honour 
to  kill  a  coward,  Mr.  Smart." 

He  introduced  his  three  companions.  I  was  sur 
prised  to  see  that  the  lawyer  was  not  the  fawning 
Schymansky,  and  later  on  inquired  for  him.  Tar- 
nowsy  laughed.  "  Poor  old  Schymansky !  He  is  in 
prison." 

"  Aha !     I  am  not  surprised,"  said  I. 

"  He  was  my  second,  poor  chap.  It  did  not  occur  to 
him  to  run  away  after  the  —  er  —  duel.  They  had  to 
make  an  example  of  some  one.  His  trial  comes  up  next 
week.  I  am  afraid  he  may  be  dealt  with  rather  harshly. 
I  miss  him  dreadfully.  But  let  us  come  to  the  matter 
in  hand,  Mr.  Smart.  I  daresay  your  time  is  valuable. 
You  have  no  objection  to  my  going  over  the  place 
with  Mr.  Saks,  I  am  sure.  He  is  the  architect  who  is 
to  rebuild  the  castle  for  me.  My  attorney  and  Mr. 
Pooly, —  the  notary, —  will,  with  your  assistance,  draw 
up  the  proper  contracts  preliminary  to  the  formal 
transfer,  and  I  will  sign  them  with  you  upon  my  re 
turn." 

"  Would  it  not  be  better  to  discuss  the  question  of 
payments  before  we  go  any  further,  Count  Tarnowsy  ?  " 

"  You  will  be  paid  in  cash,  Mr.  Smart,  the  instant 
the  deed  is  transferred,"  he  said  coldly. 

I  followed  him  to  the  top  of  the  stairs  which  de- 


344  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

scended  to  the  basement  of  the  castle.  It  was  rather 
significant  that  he  elected  to  explore  the  lower  regions 
first  of  all. 

"  I  shall  accompany  you,"  said  I  deliberately. 

A  faint  scowl  came  into  his  face.  He  eyed  me  fix 
edly  for  a  moment,  then  shrugged  his  shoulders  and  said 
that  his  only  desire  was  to  avoid  putting  me  to  any 
unnecessary  trouble.  If  I  cared  to  come,  he  would  be 
more  than  grateful. 

"  It  isn't  necessary  to  visit  the  cellars,  Saks,"  he 
said  to  the  architect.  "  Ample  time  for  that  sort  of 
rummaging.  I  particularly  want  your  opinion  on  the 
condition  of  the  intersecting  walls  on  this  floor  and 
above.  My  scheme  of  improvements,  Mr.  Smart,  con 
templates  the  enlargement  of  these  halls  by  throwing 
them  into  one." 

"  A  very  simple  process,"  said  I,  "  if  the  whole  struc 
ture  doesn't  topple  down  upon  your  heads  while  you're 
about  it." 

"  I  shall  contrive  to  save  my  scalp,  Mr.  Smart,  no 
matter  what  happens.  It  is  very  precious  to  me." 

We  went  over  the  castle  rather  hurriedly,  I  thought, 
but  he  explained  that  Saks  merely  wanted  a  general 
idea  of  the  structure ;  he  would  return  another  day 
to  make  a  careful  inspection. 

"  I  daresay  you  are  surprised  that  I  should  be  will 
ing  to  pay  double  your  original  price  for  Schloss  Roth- 
hoefen,"  he  ventured,  pausing  in  the  corridor  to  light  a 
cigarette.  We  were  on  our  way  to  the  top  of  the  east 
wing. 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  said  calmly.  "  I  am  aware  that  trea 
sure  is  buried  here.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  I've  tried  to 
unearth  it  myself,  but  without  success.  I  wish  you  bet 
ter  luck." 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  345 

"  Thanks,"  said  he  laconically,  after  the  first  swift 
glance  of  inquiry.  "  It  is  doubtless  a  fairy  tale, 
handed  down  by  tradition.  I  take  no  stock  in  it.  My 
principal  object  in  acquiring  Rothhoefen  is  to  satisfy 
a  certain  vanity  which  besets  me.  I  have  it  on  excel 
lent  authority  that  my  ex-father-in-law, —  the  man  Ti 
tus,  you  know, —  talks  of  buying  the  property  and  per 
forming  the  stupendous,  characteristic  American  feat 
of  removing  it,  stone  and  timber,  just  as  it  is,  to  his 
estate  north  of  New  York  City.  No  one  but  a  vulgar, 
purse-proud  American  would  think  of  doing  such  a 
thing." 

The  news  staggered  me.  Could  there  be  anything  in 
what  he  said?  If  it  was  true  that  Jasper  Titus  con 
templated  such  a  quixotic  move,  there  could  be  but  one 
compelling  force  behind  the  whim :  sentiment.  But  not 
sentiment  on  the  part  of  Jasper  Titus. 

"  I  cannot  believe  that  he  considers  doing  such  a 
thing,"  I  said  rather  blankly.  "  You  see,  if  any  one 
should  know,  I  am  that  one.  He  has  not  approached 
me,  of  that  you  may  be  sure." 

He  did  not  appear  to  be  interested. 

"  My  information  is  not  authoritative,  Mr.  Smart," 
said  he.  "  It  came  to  me  through  my  representatives 
who  conferred  with  his  lawyers  a  fortnight  ago  in  re 
gard  to  certain  difficulties  that  had  existed  between  us. 
From  what  they  were  able  to  gather,  the  idea  has  taken 
root  in  the  old  man's  head.  Now,  I  want  to  buy  this 
place  for  no  other  reason  than  to  tell  him  that  he  hasn't 
enough  money  in  his  possession  to  purchase  it  from 
me.  D'you  see?  Vanity,  you  may  call  it,  as  I  do,  but 
it  pleases  me  to  coddle  it." 

Very  thoughtfully  I  strode  along  beside  him.  Would 
I  be  serving  the  Countess  ill  or  well  by  selling  the  place 


346  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

to  Tarnowsy?  It  was  her  whim,  of  course,  and  it  was 
a  foolish  one. 

"  Suppose  that  he  offered  you  twice  what  you  are 
to  pay  me  for  the  place,"  said  I,  struck  by  a  sudden 
thought. 

He  laughed  easily.  "  You  will  not,  it  seems,  acquit 
me  of  cupidity,  Mr.  Smart.  I  should  not  sell  to  him 
under  any  consideration.  That  is  final.  Take  it  or 
leave  it." 

By  this  time  we  were  in  the  rooms  once  occupied  by 
the  Countess.  He  glanced  about  the  apartment  care 
lessly. 

"  Deserted,  I  observe,"  he  remarked  with  a  queer 
smile. 

My  heart  almost  stood  still.  "Eh?  What  do  you 
mean  ?  " 

"  If  I  am  not  mistaken,  these  are  the  rooms  once  occu 
pied  by  your  valet's  wife.  Am  I  right?  " 

I  steadied  myself.  "  She  has  gone  away,"  I  said. 
"  Couldn't  stand  the  climate." 

"  I  see,"  said  he,  but  he  was  still  smiling.  "  How 
does  your  valet  stand  it?  " 

"  Nicely,"  said  I,  with  a  conscious  blush. 

**  I  mean  the  separation,  of  course." 

"  Certainly.     He  is  used  to  it." 

"  Isn't  it  rather  odd  that  he  should  still  think  she  is 
here,  in  the  castle?  " 

"  Does  he?  "  I  murmured. 

"  I  inquired  for  her  when  I  encountered  him  down 
stairs.  He  said  she  was  quite  well  this  morning,  ex 
cept  for  a  headache." 

"  She  is  subject  to  headaches,  I  believe,"  said  I,  with 
the  utmost  uonchalance.  He  lifted  his  right  eyebrow 
slightly,  but  said  no  more  on  the  subject. 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  347 

A  pile  of  rubbish  lay  heaped  in  one  corner  of  the 
room,  swept  up  and  left  there  by  the  big  Schmicks  to 
await  the  spring  house  cleaning  season  I  presume. 
Tarnowsy  at  first  eyed  the  heap  curiously,  then  rather 
intently.  Suddenly  he  strode  across  the  room  and 
gingerly  rooted  among  the  odds  and  ends  with  the  toe 
of  his  highly  polished  boot. 

To  my  horror  a  dilapidated  doll  detached  itself  and 
rolled  out  upon  the  floor, —  a  well-remembered  treasure 
of  Rosemary's  and  so  unique  in  appearance  that  I  doubt 
if  there  was  another  in  the  world  like  it.  Indeed,  I 
have  a  distinct  recollection  of  being  told  that  the 
child's  father  had  painted  in  the  extraordinary  fea 
tures  and  had  himself  decorated  the  original  flaxen 
locks  with  singular  stripes  of  red  and  white  and  blue, 
a  sardonic  tribute  to  the  home  land  of  her  mother. 

I  turned  away  as  he  stooped  and  picked  up  the  soiled, 
discarded  effigy.  When  next  I  looked  at  him,  out  of 
the  corner  of  my  eye,  he  was  holding  the  doll  at  arm's 
length  and  staring  at  it  with  a  fixed  gaze.  I  knew  that 
he  recognised  it.  There  could  be  no  doubt  in  his  mind 
as  to  the  identity  of  that  tell-tale  object.  My  heart 
was  thumping  fiercely. 

An  instant  later  he  rejoined  me,  but  not  a  word  did 
he  utter  concerning  the  strange  discovery  he  had  made. 
His  face  was  set  and  pallid,  and  his  eyes  were  misty. 
Involuntarily  I  looked  to  see  if  he  had  the  doll  in  his 
hand,  and  in  that  glance  observed  the  bulging  surface 
of  his  coat  pocket. 

In  silence  we  stood  there  awaiting  the  reappearance 
of  Saks,  who  had  gone  into  one  of  the  adjoining  rooms. 
I  confess  that  my  hand  trembled  as  I  lighted  a  fresh 
cigarette.  He  was  staring  moodily  at  the  floor,  his 
hands  clasped  behind  his  back.  Something  smacking 


348  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

of  real  intelligence  ordered  me  to  hold  my  tongue.  I 
smoked  placidly,  yet  waited  for  the  outburst.  It  did 
not  come.  It  never  came.  He  kept  his  thoughts,  his 
emotions  to  himself,  and  for  that  single  display  of 
restraint  on  his  part  I  shall  always  remember  him  as 
a  true  descendant  of  the  nobility. 

We  tramped  down  the  long  flights  of  stairs  side  by 
side,  followed  by  the  superfluous  Mr.  Saks,  who  did 
all  of  the  talking.  He  was,  I  think,  discoursing  on  the 
extraordinary  ability  of  ancient  builders,  but  I  am  not 
absolutely  certain.  I  am  confident  Tarnowsy  did  not 
hear  a  word  the  fellow  said. 

In  my  study  we  found  Poopendyke  and  the  two 
strangers. 

"  Have  you  made  out  the  papers  ?  "  demanded  the 
Count  harshly.  An  ugly  gleam  had  come  to  his  eyes, 
but  he  did  not  direct  it  toward  me.  Indeed,  he  seemed 
to  avoid  looking  at  me  at  all. 

"  Yes,  Count  Tarnowsy,"  said  the  lawyer.  "  They 
are  ready  for  the  signatures." 

"  Perhaps  Mr.  Smart  may  have  reconsidered  his  of 
fer  to  sell,"  said  Tarnowsy.  "  Let  him  see  the  con 
tracts." 

"  I  have  not  reconsidered,"  I  said  quietly. 

"  You  may  sign  here,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  the  notary, 
as  he  gave  me  the  document,  a  simple  contract,  I  found. 

"  Jasper  Titus  will  offer  more  than  I  can  afford  to 
pay,"  said  the  Count.  "  Please  do  not  feel  that  I  am 
taking  an  unfair  advantage  of  you.  I  am  absolutely 
certain  that  he  wants  to  buy  this  place  for  —  his  grand 
daughter,  a  descendant  of  barons." 

The  significance  of  this  remark  was  obvious,  and  it 
was  the  nearest  he  ever  came  to  uttering  the  conviction 
that  had  been  formed  in  that  illuminating  five  minutes 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  349 

upstairs.  If  he  suspected, —  and  I  think  he  did, —  he 
preferred  not  to  ask  the  questions  that  must  have  been 
searing  his  curious  brain.  It  was  a  truly  wonderful 
demonstration  of  self-restraint.  I  would  have  given 
much  to  have  been  able  to  read  his  innermost  thoughts, 
to  watch  the  perplexed  movements  of  his  mind. 

"  Schloss  Rothhoefen  is  yours,  Count  Tarno.wsy," 
said  I.  "  It  is  for  you  to  say  whether  his  whim  shall 
be  gratified." 

His  lips  twitched.  I  saw  his  hand  touch  the  bulging 
coat-pocket  with  a  swift,  passing  movement. 

"  Will  you  be  good  enough  to  sign,  Mr.  Smart?  "  he 
said  coldly.  He  glanced  at  his  watch.  "  My  time  is 
valuable.  When  can  you  give  possession  ?  " 

"  The  day  the  deed  is  transferred." 

"  That  will  be  in  less  than  three  days.  I  have  satis 
fied  myself  that  the  title  is  clear.  There  need  be  no 
delay." 

We  signed  the  contract  after  I  had  requested  Poop- 
endyke  to  read  it  aloud  to  me.  It  called  for  the  pay 
ment  of  fifty  thousand  kronen,  or  a  little  over  two  thou 
sand  pounds  sterling,  at  the  time  of  signing.  His 
lawyer  handed  me  a  package  of  crisp  banknotes  and 
asked  me  to  count  them.  I  did  so  deliberately,  the 
purchaser  looking  on  with  a  sardonic  smile. 

"  Correct,"  said  I,  laying  the  package  on  the  table. 
He  bowed  very  deeply. 

"  Are  you  satisfied,  Mr.  Smart,  that  there  are  no 
counterfeits  among  them?"  he  inquired  with  polite 
irony.  Then  to  his  lawyer :  "  Take  the  gentleman's  re 
ceipt  for  the  amount  in  the  presence  of  witnesses.  This 
is  a  business  transaction,  not  a  game  of  chance."  It 
was  the  insult  perfect. 

As  he  prepared  to  take  his  departure,  he  assumed 


350  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

an  insinuating  air  of  apology,  and  remarked  to  me: 

"  I  owe  you  an  apology,  Mr.  Smart.     There  was  a 

time  when  I  did  you  an  injustice.     I  suspected  you  of 

keeping  your  mistress  here.     Pray  forgive  my  error." 

Five  days  later  I  was  snugly  ensconced  in  the  ducal 
suite  at  the  Bristol,  overlooking  the  Kartnerring- 
strasse,  bereft  of  my  baronial  possessions  but  not  at 
all  sorry.  My  romance  had  been  short-lived.  It  is  o"ne 
thing  to  write  novels  about  mediaeval  castles  and  quite 
another  thing  to  try  to  write  a  novel  in  one  of  them. 
I  trust  I  may  never  again  be  guilty  of  such  arrant  stu 
pidity  as  to  think  that  an  American-born  citizen  can 
become  a  feudal  baron  by  virtue  of  his  dollars  and 
cents,  any  more  than  an  American-born  girl  can  hope 
to  be  a  real,  dyed-in-the-wool  countess  or  duchess  be 
cause  some  one  needs  the  money  more  than  she  does.  It 
would  be  quite  as  impossible,  contrari-wise,  to  transform 
a  noble  duke  into  a  plain  American  citizen,  so  there  you 
are,  even  up. 

My  plans  were  made.  After  a  fortnight  in  Vienna, 
I  expected  to  go  west  to  London  for  the  autumn,  and 
then  back  to  New  York.  Strange  to  relate,  I  was 
homesick.  Never  before  had  my  thoughts  turned  so 
restlessly,  so  wistfully  to  the  haunts  of  my  boyhood 
days.  I  began  to  long  for  the  lights  of  Broadway 
(which  I  had  scornfully  despised  in  other  days),  and 
the  gay  peacockery  of  Fifth  Avenue  at  four  in  the 
afternoon.  It  seemed  to  me  that  nowhere  in  all  the 
world  was  life  so  joyous  and  blithe  and  worth  while  as 
in  "  old  New  York  " ;  nowhere  were  the  theatres  so  at 
tractive,  nowhere  such  restaurants.  Even,  in  retro 
spect,  the  subway  looked  alluring,  and  as  for  the  Fifth 
Avenue  stages  they  were  too  beautiful  for  words.  Ah, 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  351 

what  a  builder  of  unreal  things  a  spell  of  homesickness 
may  become  if  one  gives  it  half  a  chance! 

As  for  Schloss  Rothhoefen,  I  had  it  on  excellent  au 
thority  (no  less  a  person  than  Conrad  Schmick  him 
self)  that  barely  had  I  shaken  the  dust  of  the  place 
from  myself  before  the  new  master  put  into  execution 
a  most  extraordinary  and  incomprehensible  plan  of 
reconstruction.  In  the  first  place,  he  gave  all  the 
servants  two  weeks'  notice,  and  then  began  to  raze 
the  castle  from  the  bottom  upward  instead  of  the 
other  way  round,  as  a  sensible  person  might  have 
been  expected  to  do.  He  was  knocking  out  the  walls 
in  the  cellars  and  digging  up  the  stone  floors  with 
splendid  disregard  for  that  ominous  thing  known  as 
a  cataclysm.  The  grave  question  in  the  minds  of 
the  servants  was  whether  the  usual  and  somewhat 
mandatory  two  weeks'  notice  wouldn't  prove  a 
trifle  too  long  after. all.  In  fact,  Hawkes,  with  an  in 
spiration  worthy  of  an  office  boy,  managed  to  produce 
a  sick  grand-mother  and  got  away  from  the  place  at 
the  end  of  one  week,  although  having  been  paid  in  full 
for  two. 

The  day  on  which  I  left  for  Paris  still  saw  Tarnowsy 
at  work  with  his  masons,  heroically  battering  down  the 
walls  of  the  grim  old  stronghold,  and  I  chuckled  to  my 
self.  It  was  quite  evident  that  he  hadn't  found  the  hid 
ing  place  up  to  that  time. 

After  several  days  in  Paris,  I  took  myself  off 
to  London.  I  was  expecting  letters  at  Claridge's, 
where  I  always  take  rooms,  not  because  I  think  it  is  the 
best  hotel  in  London  but  because  I  am,  to  some  extent, 
a  creature  of  habit.  My  mother  took  me  to  Claridge's 
when  I  was  a  boy  and  I  saw  a  wonderful  personage  at 
the  door  whom  I  was  pleased  to  call  the  King.  Ever 


352  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

since  then  I  have  been  going  to  Claridge's  and  while 
my  first  king  is  dead  there  is  one  in  his  place  who  bids 
fair  to  live  long,  albeit  no  one  shouts  encouragement  to 
him.  He  wears  the  most  gorgeous  buttons  I've  ever 
seen,  and  I  doubt  if  King  Solomon  himself  could  have 
been  more  regal.  Certainly  not  Nebuchadnezzar.  He 
works  from  seven  in  the  morning  until  seven  at  night, 
and  he  has  an  imperial  scorn  for  anything  smaller  than 
half  a  sovereign. 

There  were  many  letters  waiting  there  for  me,  but 
not  one  from  the  Countess  Aline.  I  had  encouraged 
the  hope  that  she  might  write  to  me;  it  was  the  least 
she  could  do  in  return  for  all  that  I  had  done  for  her, 
notwithstanding  my  wretched  behaviour  on  the  last  day 
of  our  association.  While  I  had  undoubtedly  offended 
in  the  most  flagrant  manner,  still  my  act  was  not  un 
pardonable.  There  was  tribute,  not  outrage  in  my 
behaviour. 

Poopendyke  fidgeted  a  good  deal  with  the  scanty  re 
sults  of  my  literary  labours,  rattling  the  typed  pages 
in  a  most  insinuating  way.  He  oiled  his  machine  with 
accusative  frequency,  but  I  failed  to  respond.  I  was 
in  no  mood  for  writing.  He  said  to  me  one  day: 

"  I  don't  see  why  you  keep  a  secretary,  Mr.  Smart. 
I  don't  begin  to  earn  my  salt." 

"  Salt,  Mr.  Poopendyke,"  said  I,  "  is  the  cheapest 
thing  I  know  of.  Now  if  you  had  said  pepper  I  might 
pause  to  reflect.  But  I  am  absolutely,  inexorably  op 
posed  to  rating  anything  on  a  salt  basis.  If  you — " 

"  You  know  what  I  mean,"  he  said  stiffly.  "  I  am  of 
no  use  to  you." 

"  Ah,"  said  I  triumphantly,  "  but  you  forget !  Who 
is  it  that  draws  the  salary  checks  for  yourself  and  Brit- 
ton,  and  who  keeps  the  accounts  straight?  Who,  I 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  353 

repeat?  Why,  you,  Mr.  Poopendyke.  You  draw  the 
checks.  Isn't  that  something?  " 

"  If  —  if  I  didn't  know  you  so  well,  I  wouldn't  hesi 
tate  to  call  you  a  blooming  fool,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  he, 
but  he  grinned  as  he  said  it. 

"  But  he  who  hesitates  is  lost,"  said  I.  "  This  is 
your  chance,  don't  let  it  slip."  He  looked  at  me  so 
steadily  for  a  moment  that  I  was  in  some  fear  he  would 
not  let  it  slip. 

Before  I  had  been  in  London  a  week  it  became  per 
fectly  clear  to  me  that  I  could  not  stretch  my  stay  out 
to  anything  like  a  period  of  two  months.  Indeed,  I 
began  to  think  about  booking  my  passage  home  inside 
of  two  weeks.  I  was  restless,  dissatisfied,  homesick. 
On  the  ninth  day  I  sent  Poopendyke  to  the  booking 
office  of  the  steamship  company  with  instructions  to 
secure  passage  for  the  next  sailing  of  the  Mauretania, 
and  then  lived  in  a  state  of  positive  dread  for  fear  the 
confounded  American  tourists  might  have  gobbled  up 
all  of  the  cabins.  They  are  always  going  home  it  seems 
to  me,  and  they  are  always  trying  to  get  on  a  single 
unfortunate  ship.  In  all  my  experience  abroad,  I've 
never  known  a  time  when  Americans  were  not  tumbling 
over  each  other  trying  to  get  back  to  New  York  in 
time  to  catch  a  certain  train  for  home,  wherever  that 
may  be.  But  Poopendyke  managed  it  somehow.  He 
must  have  resorted  to  bribery. 

I  awoke  one  morning  to  find  a  long  and  —  I  was  about 
to  say  interesting  —  letter  from  the  Countess  !  It  was 
a  very  commonplace  communication  I  found  on  the  third 
or  fourth  reading.  The  sum  and  substance  of  its  con 
tents  was  the  information  that  she  was  going  to  Vir 
ginia  Hot  Springs  with  the  family  for  a  month  or 
two  and  that  Lord  Amberdale  was  to  join  them  there. 


354  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

It  appeared  that  her  father,  Being  greatly  overworked, 
was  in  need  of  a  rest,  and  as  the  golf  links  at  Hot 
Springs  are  especially  designed  to  make  it  easy  for  rich 
men,  his  doctor  had  ordered  him  to  that  delightful  re 
sort.  She  hoped  the  rest  would  put  him  on  his  feet 
again.  There  was  a  page  or  so  of  drivel  about  Am- 
berdale  and  what  he  expected  to  do  at  the  New  York 
Horse  Show,  a  few  lines  concerning  Rosemary ;  and  a 
brief,  almost  curt  intimation  that  a  glimpse  or  two  of 
me  would  not  be  altogether  displeasing  to  her  if  I  hap 
pened  to  be  coming  that  way. 

It  may  be  regarded  as  a  strange  coincidence  that  I 
instructed  Britton  that  very  evening  to  see  that  my 
golf  clubs  were  cleaned  up  and  put  into  good  shape  for 
a  little  practice  on  a  course  near  London,  where  I  had 
been  put  up  by  an  English  author,  and  who  was  for 
ever  ding-donging  at  me  to  come  out  and  let  him  "  put 
it  all  over  me."  I  went  out  and  bought  a  new  brassie 
to  replace  the  one  destroyed  by  the  experimenting 
Rocksworth  youth,  and  before  I  got  through  with  it  had 
a  new  putter,  a  niblick  and  a  spoon,  neither  of  which 
I  needed  for  the  excellent  reason  that  I  already  pos 
sessed  a  half  dozen  of  each. 

Keyed  up  to  a  high  pitch  of  enthusiasm,  I  played 
golf  for  ten  days,  and  found  my  friend  to  be  a  fine 
sportsman.  Like  all  Englishmen,  he  took  a  beating 
gracefully,  but  gave  me  to  understand  that  he  had  been 
having  a  good  deal  of  trouble  with  rheumatism  or  neu 
ritis  in  his  right  elbpw.  On  the  last  day  we  played  he 
succeeded  in  bringing  me  in  two  down  and  I've  never 
seen  neuritis  dispersed  so  quickly  as  it  was  in  his  case. 
I  remember  distinctly  that  he  complained  bitterly  of 
the  pain  in  his  elbow  when  we  started  out,  and  that  he 
was  as  fit  as  a  fiddle  at  the  eighteenth  hole.  He  even 


I  BURN  A  FEW  BRIDGES  355 

wont  so  far  as  to  implore  me  to  stay  over  till  the  next 
sailing  of  the  Mauretama. 

But  I  took  to  the  high  seas.  Mr.  Poopendyke  cabled 
to  the  Homestead  at  Hot  Springs  for  suitable  accom 
modations.  I  cannot  remember  when  I  had  been  so 
forehanded  as  all  that,  and  I  wonder  what  my  secretary 
thought  of  me.  My  habit  is  to  procrastinate. 

I  almost  forgot  to  mention  a  trifling  bit  of  news  that 
came  to  me  the  day  before  sailing.  Elsie  Hazzard 
wrote  in  great  perturbation  and  at  almost  unfeeling 
length  to  tell  me  that  Count  Tarnowsy  had  unearthed 
the  supposedly  mythical  Rothhoefen  treasure  chests 
and  was  reputed  to  have  found  gold  and  precious  jewels 
worth  at  least  a  million  dollars.  The  accumulated 
products  of  a  century's  thievery !  The  hoard  of  all  the 
robber  barons!  Tarnowsy's! 

Strange  to  say  I  did  not  writhe  nor  snarl  with  disap 
pointment  and  rage.  I  took  the  news  with  a  sang  froid 
that  almost  killed  poor  Poopendyke.  He  never  quite 
got  over  it. 

Nor  was  I  especially  disturbed  or  irritated 
by  the  telegram  of  condolence  I  received  on  board 
ship  from  Tarnowsy  himself.  He  could  not  resist  the 
temptation  to  gloat.  I  shall  not  repeat  the  message  for 
the  simple  reason  that  I  do  not  wish  to  dignify  it  by 
putting  it  into  permanent  form. 

We  were  two  days  out  when  I  succeeded  in  setting 
my  mind  at  rest  in  respect  to  Aline,  Countess  Tar 
nowsy.  I  had  not  thought  of  it  before,  but  I  remem 
bered  all  of  a  sudden  that  I  held  decided  scruples 
against  marrying  a  divorced  woman.  Of  course,  that 
simplified  matters.  When  one  has  preconceived  notions 
about  such  matters  they  afford  excellent  material  to  fall 
back  upon,  even  though  he  may  have  disregarded  them 


356  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

after  a  fashion  while  unselfishly  thinking  of  some  one 
else.  As  I  say,  the  recollection  of  this  well-defined 
though  somewhat  remorseless  principle  of  mine  had 
the  effect  of  putting  my  mind  at  rest  in  regard  to  the 
Countess.  Feeling  as  strongly  as  I  did  about  marriage 
with  divorcees,  she  became  an  absolutely  undesirable 
person  so  far  as  matrimony  was  concerned.  I  ex 
perienced  a  rather  doubtful  feeling  of  relief.  It  was 
not  so  hard  to  say  to  myself  that  Lord  Amberdale  was 
welcome  to  her,  but  it  was  very,  very  difficult  to  refrain 
from  adding  the  unamiable  words :  "  damn  him." 

This  rigid,  puritanical  principle  of  mine,  however, 
did  not  declare  against  the  unrighteousness  of  falling 
in  love  with  a  divorcee, 


CHAPTER     XX 

I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS 

IF  I  have,  by  any  chance,  announced  earlier  in  this 
narrative  that  the  valley  of  the  Donau  is  the  garden 
spot  of  the  world,  I  must  now  ask  you  to  excuse  the 
ebullience  of  spirit  that  prompted  the  declaration. 
The  Warm  Springs  Valley  of  Virginia  is  infinitely  more 
attractive  to  me,  and  I  make  haste  to  rectify  any  er 
roneous  impression  I  may  have  given,  while  under  the 
spell  of  something  my  natural  modesty  forbids  me  to 
describe. 

If  you  happen  not  to  know  the  Warm  Springs  Val 
ley,  permit  ^me  to  say  that  you  are  missing  a  great 
deal.  It  is  a  garden  spot  and  —  but  why  discourse 
upon  a  subject  that  is  so  aptly  handled  by  the  gentlemen 
who  supply  railway  folders  with  descriptive  material 
and  who  will  tell  you  in  so  many  words  that  God's 
noblest  work  was  done  in  the  green  hills  and  vales  of 
fair  Virginia?  Any  railway  folder  will  acquaint  you 
with  all  this  and  save  me  a  great  deal  of  time  and  trou 
ble,  besides  giving  you  a  sensible  and  adequate  idea  of 
how  to  get  there  and  where  to  stop  when  you  reach 
your  journey's  end,  together  with  the  price  of  Pullman 
tickets  and  the  nature  of  the  ailments  you  are  sup 
posed  to  have  if  you  take  the  waters.  It  is  only 
necessary  for  me  to  say  that  it  is  a  garden  spot  and 
that  you  don't  have  to  change  cars  if  you  take  the  right 
train  out  of  New  York  City,  a  condition  which  does  not 
obtain  if  you  happen  to  approach  from  the  opposite  di 
rection. 

357 


358  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

I  arrived  there  early  one  bright  November  morning, 
three  days  after  landing  in  New  York.  You  will  be 
rendered  unhappy,  I  fear,  by  the  announcement  that  I 
left  Mr.  Poopendyke  behind.  He  preferred  to  visit  an 
aunt  at  New  Rochelle  and  I  felt  that  he  deserved  a 
vacation.  Britton,  of  course,  accompanied  me.  He  is 
indispensable,  and,  so  far  as  I  know,  hasn't  the  faintest 
notion  of  what  a  vacation  means  unless  he  considers  em 
ployment  with  me  in  some  such  light.  At  any  rate  he 
has  never  mentioned  a  relation  in  need  of  a  visit  from 
him. 

Before  leaving  New  York  I  had  a  rather  unpleasant 
encounter  with  my  publishers.  It  was.  in  the  nature  of 
a  luncheon  at  which  I  was  led  to  believe  that  they  still 
expected  me  to  supply  them  with  the  manuscript  of  a 
novel  at  a  very  early  date.  They  seemed  considerably 
put  out  when  I  blandly  informed  them  that  I  had  got 
no  farther  along  than  the  second  chapter. 

"  We  have  been  counting  on  this  book  of  yours  for 
January  publication,"  said  they. 

I  tried  to  explain  that  the  muse  had  abandoned  me 
in  a  most  heartless  fashion. 

"  But  the  public  demands  a  story  from  you,"  said 
they.  "  What  have  you  been  doing  all  summer  ?  " 

"  Romancing,"  said  I. 

I  don't  know  just  how  it  came  about,  but  the  sug 
gestion  was  made  that  I  put  into  narrative  form  the 
lively  history  of  my  sojourn  on  the  banks  of  the  Dan 
ube,  trusting  implicitly  to  the  imagination  yet  leaving 
nothing  to  it. 

"  But  it's  all  such  blithering  rot,"  said  I. 

"  So  much  the  better,"  said  they  triumphantly  — 
even  eagerly. 

"  I  do  not  suppose  that  you,  as  publishers,  can  ap- 


I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS  359 

preciate  the  fact  that  an  author  may  have  a  soul  above 
skittles,"  said  I  indignantly.  "  I  cannot,  I  wfll  not 
write  a  line  about  myself,  gentlemen.  Not  that  I 
consider  the  subject  sacred  but — " 

"  Wait ! "  cried  the  junior  member,  hi*  face  aglow. 
"  We  appreciate  the  delicacy  of  —  er  —  your  feelings, 
Mr.  Smart,  but  I  have  an  idea, —  a  splendid  idea.  It 
solves  the  whole  question.  Your  secretary  is  a  most 
competent,  capable  young  man  and  a  genius  after  a 
fashion.  I  propose  that  he  write  the  story.  Well 
pay  him  a  lump  sum  for  the  work,  put  your  name  on  the 
cover,  and  there  you  are.  All  you  wfll  have  to  do  is  to 
edit  his  material.  How's  that  '•:  " 

And  so  it  came  to  pass  that  I  took  myself  off  that 
evening  for  Hot  Springs,  secure  in  the  thought  that 
Poopendyke  would  attend  to  my  literary  estate  far 
more  capably  than  I  could  do  it  myself,  and  that  my 
labours  later  on  would  be  pleasantly  devoted  to  the 
lazy  task  of  editing,  revising  and  deleting  a  tale  al 
ready  told.  .  .  . 

If  you  are  lucky  enough  to  obtain  rooms  in  the 
Homestead,  looking  out  over  the  golf  course,  with  the 
wonderful  November  colourings  in  the  hflls  and  gaps 
beyond :  over  the  casino,  the  tennis  courts  and  the  lower 
levels  of  the  fashionable  playground,  you  may  well  say 
to  yourself  that  all  the  world  is  bright  and  sweet  and 
full  of  hope.  From  my  windows  I  could  see  far  down 
the  historic  valley  in  the  direction  of  Warm  Springs, 
a  hazy  blue  panorama  wrapped  in  the  air  of  an  Indian 
summer  and  redolent  with  the  incense  of  autumn. 

Britton  reminded  me  that  it  was  a  grand  morning  for 
golf,  and  I  was  at  once  reminded  that  Britton  is  an  ex 
cellent  chap  whose  opinions  are  always  worth  consider 
ing.  So  I  started  for  the  links,  stopping  first  at  the 


360  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

office  on  my  way  out,  ostensibly  to  complain  about 
the  absence  of  window-screens  but  in  reality  to  glance 
over  the  register  in  quest  of  certain  signatures. 

A  brisk,  oldish  little  man  came  up  beside  me  and 
rather  testily  inquired  why  the  deuce  there  were  no 
matches  in  his  room ;  also  why  the  hot  water  was  cold 
so  much  longer  than  usual  that  morning.  He  was 
not  much  of  a  man  to  look  at,  but  I  could  not  fail  to 
note  the  obsequious  manner  in  which  the  two  clerks 
behind  the  desk  looked  at  him.  You  couldn't  possibly 
have  discovered  anything  in  their  manner  to  remind 
you  of  hotel  clerks  you  may  have  come  to  know  in 
your  travels.  A  half  dozen  boxes  of  matches  were 
passed  out  to  him  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye,  and  I 
shudder  to  think  what  might  have  happened  if  there 
had  been  a  hot  water  faucet  handy,  they  were  so  eager 
to  please. 

"  Mr.  Brewster  gone  out  yet  ?  "  demanded  this  im 
portant  guest,  pocketing  all  of  the  matches.  (I  could 
see  at  once  that  he  was  a  very  rich  man.)  "Did  he 
leave  any  message  for  me?  He  didn't?  He  was  to 
let  me  know  whether  he  could  play  golf  with  —  eh  ? 
Playing  with  Logan,  eh?  Well,  of  all  the —  He 
knows  I  will  not  play  with  Logan.  See  if  Mr.  Scott 
is  in  his  room.  Tell  him  I'd  like  to  take  him  on  for 
eighteen  holes  this  morning." 

He  crossed  to  the  news-counter  and  glanced  over  the 
papers  while  a  dusky  bell-boy  shot  off  in  quest  of  Mr. 
Scott. 

"  They  all  hate  to  play  with  the  old  geezer,"  said  one 
of  the  clerks, —  a  young  one,  you  may  be  sure, — 
lowering  his  voice  and  his  eyebrows  at  the  same  time. 
"  He's  the  rottenest  player  in  the  world." 

"  Who  is  he  ?  "  I  inquired,  mildly  interested. 


I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS  361 

"  Jasper  Titus,"  was  the  reply.  "  The  real  old 
Jasper  himself." 

Before  I  could  recover  from  my  surprise,  the  object 
of  my  curiosity  approached  the  desk,  his  watch  in 
his  hand. 

"  Well,  what  does  he  say  ?  "  he  demanded. 

"The  — the  boy  isn't  back  yet,  Mr.  Titus,"  said 
one  of  the  clerks,  involuntarily  pounding  the  call-bell 
in  his  nervousness. 

"  Lazy,  shiftless  niggers,  the  whole  tribe  of  them," 
was  Mr.  Titus's  caustic  comment. 

At  that  instant  the  boy,  quite  out  of  breath,  came 
thumping  down  the  stairs. 

"  Mr.  Scott's  got  rheumatiz,  Mr.  Titus.  He  begs  to 
be  excused  — " 

"  Buncombe !  "  snapped  Mr.  Titus.  "  He's  afraid 
to  play  me.  Well,  this  means  no  game  for  me.  A 
beautiful  day  like  this  and  — " 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Titus,"  said  I,  stepping 
forward.  "  If  you  don't  mind  taking  on  a  stranger, 
I  will  be  happy  to  go  around  with  you.  My  name  is 
Smart.  I  think  you  must  have  heard  of  me  through 
the  Countess  and  your  — " 

"  Great  Scott !  Smart  ?  Are  —  are  you  the  author, 
James  Byron  Smart  ?  The  —  the  man  who  — "  He 
checked  himself  suddenly,  but  seized  me  by  the  hand 
and,  as  he  wrung  it  vigorously,  dragged  me  out  of  hear 
ing  of  the  men  behind  the  desk. 

"  I  am  John  Bellamy  Smart,"  said  I,  a  little  miffed. 

His  shrewd,  hard  old  face  underwent  a  marvellous 
change.  The  crustiness  left  it  as  if  by  magic.  His 
countenance  radiated  joy. 

"  I  owe  you  a  debt  of  gratitude,  Mr.  Smart,  that 
can  never  be  lifted.  My  daughter  has  told  me  every- 


362  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

thing.  You  must  have  put  up  with  a  fearful  lot  of 
nonsense  during  the  weeks  she  was  with  you.  I  know 
her  well.  She's  spoiled  and  she's  got  a  temper,  al 
though,  upon  my  soul,  she  seems  different  nowadays. 
There  is  a  change  in  her,  by  George." 

"  She's  had  her  lesson,"  said  I.  "  Besides  I  didn't 
find  she  had  a  bad  temper." 

"  And  say,  I  want  to  tell  you  something  else  before 
I  forget  it:  I  fully  appreciate  your  views  on  inter 
national  marriage.  Allie  told  me  everything  you  had 
to  say  about  it.  You  must  have  rubbed  it  in !  But  I 
think  it  did  her  good.  She'll  never  marry  another  for 
eigner  if  I  can  help  it,  if  she  never  marries.  Well, 
well,  I  am  glad  to  see  you,  and  to  shake  your  hand.  I 
—  I  wish  I  could  really  tell  you  how  I  feel  toward  you, 
my  boy,  but  I  —  I  don't  seem  to  have  the  power  to  ex 
press  myself.  If  I  — " 

I  tried  to  convince  him  that  the  pleasure  had  been 
all  mine,  and  then  inquired  for  Mrs.  Titus  and  the 
Countess. 

"  They're  both  here,  but  the  good  Lord  only  knows 
where.  Mrs.  Titus  goes  driving  every  morning. 
Roads  are  fine  if  you  can  stick  to  them.  Aline  said 
something  last  night  about  riding  over  to  Fassifern 
this  forenoon  with  Amberdale  and  young  Skelly.  Let's 
see,  it's  half-past  ten.  Yes,  they've  gone  by  this  time. 
Why  didn't  you  write  or  telegraph  Aline?  She'll  be 
as  mad  as  a  wet  hen  when  she  finds  you've  come  with 
out  letting  her  know." 

"  I  thought  I  should  like  to  take  her  by  surprise," 
I  mumbled  uncomfortably. 

"  And  my  son  Jasper  —  why,  he  will  explode  when  he 
hears  you're  here.  He's  gone  over  to  Covington  to  see 
a  girl  off  on  the  train  for  Louisville.  You've  never 


I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS  363 

seen  such  a  boy.  He  is  always  going  to  Covington 
with  some  girl  to  see  that  she  gets  the  right  train  home. 
But  why  are  we  wasting  time  here  when  we  might  be  do 
ing  a  few  holes  before  lunch?  I'll  take  you  on.  Of 
course,  you  understand  I'm  a  wretched  player,  but  I've 
got  one  virtue :  I  never  talk  about  my  game  and  I  never 
tell  funny  stories  while  my  opponent  is  addressing  the 
ball.  I'm  an  old  duffer  at  the  game,  but  I've  got  more 
sense  than  most  duffers." 

We  sauntered  down  to  the  club  house  where  he  in 
sisted  on  buying  me  a  dozen  golf  balls  and  engaging  a 
caddy  for  me  by  the  week.  Up  to  the  moment  we 
stepped  up  to  the  first  tee  he  talked  incessantly  of 
Aline  and  Rosemary,  but  the  instant  the  game  was  on 
he  settled  into  the  grim  reserve  that  characterises  the 
man  who  takes  any  enterprise  seriously,  be  it  work 
or  play. 

I  shall  not  discuss  our  game,  further  than  to  say 
that  he  played  in  atrociously  bad  form  but  with  a  pur 
pose  that  let  me,  to  some  degree,  into  the  secret  of 
his  success  in  life.  If  I  do  say  it  myself,  I  am  a  fairly 
good  player.  My  driving  is  consistently  long.  It  may 
not  be  difficult  for  even  you  who  do  not  go  in  for  golf  to 
appreciate  the  superior  patience  of  a  man  whose  tee 
shots  are  rarely  short  of  two  hundred  and  twenty 
yards  when  he  is  obliged  to  amble  along  doing  nothing 
while  his  opponent  is  striving  to  cover  the  same  distance 
in  three  or  four  shots,  not  counting  the  misses.  But 
I  was  patient,  agreeably  patient,  not  to  say  tolerant.  I 
don't  believe  I  was  ever  in  a  better  humour  than  on  this 
gay  November  morn.  I  even  apologised  for  Mr.  Ti- 
tus's  execrable  foozles ;  I  amiably  suggested  that  he  was 
a  little  off  his  game  and  that  he'd  soon  strike  his  gait 
and  give  me  a  sound  beating  after  the  turn.  His  smile 


364  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

was  polite  but  ironic,  and  it  was  not  long  before  I 
realised  that  he  knew  his  own  game  too  well  to  be 
affected  by  cajolery.  He  just  pegged  away,  always 
playing  the  odd  or  worse,  uncomplaining,  unresentful, 
as  even-tempered  as  the  May  wind,  and  never  by  any 
chance  winning  a  hole  from  me.  He  was  the  rarest 
"  duffer  "  it  has  ever  been  my  good  fortune  to  meet. 
As  a  rule,  the  poorer  the  player  the  louder  his  execra 
tions.  Jasper  Titus  was  one  of  the  worst  players  I've 
ever  seen,  but  he  was  the  personification  of  gentility, 
even  under  the  most  provoking  circumstances.  For 
instance,  at  the  famous  "  Crater,"  it  was  my  good  for 
tune  to  pitch  a  ball  fairly  on  the  green  from  the  tee. 
His  mashie  shot  landed  his  ball  about  twenty  feet  up 
the  steep  hill  which  guards  the  green.  It  rolled  half 
way  back.  Without  a  word  of  disgust,  or  so  much  as  a 
scowl,  he  climbed  up  and  blazed  away  at  it  again, 
not  once  but  fourteen  times  by  actual  count.  On  the 
seventeenth  stroke  he  triumphantly  laid  his  ball  on 
the  green.  Most  men  would  have  lifted  and  conceded 
the  hole  to  me.  He  played  it  out. 

"  A  man  never  gets  anywhere,  Mr.  Smart,"  said  he, 
unruffled  by  his  miserable  exhibition,  "  unless  he  keeps 
plugging  away  at  a  thing.  That's  my  principle  in 
life.  Keep  at  it.  There  is  satisfaction  in  putting  the 
damned  ball  in  the  hole,  even  if  it  does  require  twenty 
strokes.  You  did  it  in  three,  but  you'll  soon  forget 
the  feat.  I'm  not  likely  to  forget  the  troubles  I  had 
going  down  in  twenty,  and  there  lies  the  secret  of  suc 
cess.  If  success  comes  easy,  we  pass  it  off  with  a  laugh, 
if  it  comes  hard  we  grit  our  teeth  and  remember  the 
ways  and  means.  You  may  not  believe  it,  but  I  took 
thirty-three  strokes  for  that  hole  one  day  last  week. 
Day  before  yesterday  I  did  it  in  four.  Perhaps  it 


I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS  365 

wouldn't  occur  to  you  to  think  that  it's  a  darned  sight 
easier  to  do  it  in  four  than  it  is  in  thirty-three.  Get 
the  idea?  " 

"I  think  I  do,  Mr.  Titus,"  said  I.  "The  things 
that  *  come  easy  '  are  never  appreciated." 

"  Right,  my  boy.  It's  what  we  have  to  work  for  like 
nailers  that  we  lie  awake  thinking  about." 

We  came  out  upon  the  eminence  overlooking  the  next 
hole,  which  lay  far  below  us.  As  I  stooped  to  tee-up 
my  ball,  a  gleeful  shout  came  up  the  hillside. 

"Hello,  John  Bellamy!" 

Glancing  down,  I  saw  Jasper,  Jr.,  at  the  edge  of  the 
wagon  road.  He  was  waving  his  cap  and,  even  at 
that  distance,  I  could  see  the  radiance  in  his  good- 
looking  young  face.  A  young  and  attractively  dressed 
woman  stood  beside  him.  I  waved  my  hand  and  shouted 
a  greeting. 

"  I  thought  you  said  he'd  gone  to  Covington  to 
see  her  off,"  I  said,  turning  to  the  young  man's  father 
with  a  grin. 

"  Not  the  same  girl,"  said  he  succinctly,  squinting 
his  eyes.  "  That's  the  little  Parsons  girl  from  Rich 
mond.  He  was  to  meet  her  at  Covington.  Jasper  is  a 
scientific  butterfly.  He  makes  both  ends  meet, —  nearly 
always.  Now  no  one  but  a  genius  could  have  fixed  it 
up  to  see  one  girl  off  and  meet  another  on  the  same 
train." 

Later  on,  Jasper,  Jr.,  and  I  strolled  over  to  the  ca 
sino  verandah,  the  chatty  Miss  Parsons  between  us, 
but  leaning  a  shade  nearer  to  young  Titus  than  to 
me,  although  she  appeared  to  be  somewhat  overwhelmed 
at  meeting  a  real  live  author.  Mr.  Titus,  as  was  his 
habit,  hurried  on  ahead  of  us.  I  afterwards  discovered 
he  had  a  dread  of  pneumonia. 


366  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

"  Aline  never  said  a  word  about  your  coming,  John," 
said  Jasper,  Jr.  He  called  me  John  with  considerable 
gusto.  "  She's  learning  how  to  hold  her  tongue." 

"  It  happens  that  she  didn't  know  I  was  coming," 
said  I  drily.  He  whistled. 

"  She's  off  somewhere  with  Amberdale.  Ever  meet 
him  ?  He's  one  of  the  finest  chaps  I  know.  You'll  like 
him,  Miss  Parsons.  He's  not  at  all  like  a  Britisher." 

"  But  I  like  the  British,"  said  she. 

"  Then  I'll  tell  him  to  spread  it  on  a  bit,"  said  Jappy 
obligingly.  "  Great  horseman,  he  is.  Got  some  rip 
ping  nags  in  the  New  York  show  next  week,  and  he 
rides  like  a  dream.  Watch  him  pull  down  a  few  rib 
bons  and  rosettes.  Sure  thing." 

"  Your  father  told  me  that  the  Countess  was  off 
riding  with  him  and  another  chap, —  off  to  Fassifern, 
I  believe." 

"  For  luncheon.  They  do  it  three  or  four  times  a 
week.  Not  for  me.  I  like  waiters  with  shirt  fronts 
and  nickle  tags." 

Alone  with  me  in  the  casino  half  an  hour  later,  he 
announced  that  it  really  looked  serious,  this  affair 
between  Aline  and  his  lordship. 

I  tried  to  appear  indifferent, —  a  rather  pale  effort, 
I  fear. 

"  I  think  I  am  in  on  the  secret,  Jappy,"  said  I  so 
berly. 

He  stared.  "  Has  she  ever  said  anything  to  you, 
old  chap,  that  would  lead  you  to  believe  she's  keen  about 
him?  " 

I  temporised.  "  She's  keen  about  somebody,  my 
son ;  that's  as  far  as  I  will  go." 

"  Then  it  must  be  Amberdale.  I'm  on  to  her  all 
right,  all  right.  I  know  women.  She's  in  love,  hang  it 


I  CHANGE  GARDEN  SPOTS  367 

all.  If  you  know  a  thing  about  'em,  you  can  spot  the 
symptoms  without  the  x-rays.  I've  been  hoping 
against  hope,  old  man.  I  don't  want  her  to  marry 
again.  She's  had  all  the  hell  she's  entitled  to.  What's 
the  matter  with  women,  anyhow?  They  no  sooner  get 
out  of  one  muddle  than  they  begin  looking  around  for 
another.  Can't  be  satisfied  with  good  luck." 

"  But  every  one  speaks  very  highly  of  Lord  Amber- 
dale.  I'm  sure  she  can't  be  making  a  mistake  in  marry 
ing  him." 

"  I  wish  she'd  pick  out  a  good,  steady,  simplified 
American,  just  as  an  experiment.  We're  not  so  darned 
bad,  you  know.  Women  can  do  worse  than  to  marry 
Americans." 

"  It  is  a  matter  of  opinion,  I  fancy.  At  any  rate 
we  can't  go  about  picking  out  husbands  for  people 
who  have  minds  of  their  own." 

"  Well,  some  one  in  our  family  picked  out  a  lemon 
for  Aline  the  first  time,  let  me  tell  you  that,"  said  he, 
scowling. 

"  And  she's  doing  the  picking  for  herself  this  time, 
I  gather." 

"  I  suppose  so,"  said  he  gloomily. 

I  have  visited  the  popular  and  almost  historic  Fassi- 
fern  farm  a  great  many  times  in  my  short  career,  but 
for  the  life  of  me  I  cannot  understand  what  attraction 
it  possesses  that  could  induce  people  to  go  there  for 
luncheon  and  then  spend  a  whole  afternoon  lolling  about 
the  place.  But  that  seems  to  have  been  precisely  what 
the  Countess  and  his  lordship  did  on  the  day  of  my  ar 
rival  at  the  Homestead.  The  "  other  chap,"  Skerry, 
came  riding  home  alone  at  three  o'clock.  She 
did  not  return  until  nearly  six.  By  lhat  time  I  was  in 
a  state  of  suppressed  fury  that  almost  drove  me  to 


:  F: 


. 


I      "_T  I 


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..:  :  -_:.-  r 
!»*. 


I  CHANGE  GABDEV  STOTS 


«I  mm  afau* 
Jtr.8maut; 
Immztnud 


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to  ber  t*  «ty  O«t  dbe  v*< 


H 


I  f^-j  A 


1',  v.l  :--  -.-:..: 

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brpag  h 


t«L      IJ 


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rf 


!•  ^Ad^l 
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Bb 


370  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

Whereupon  I  read  the  Countess's  note  with  a  magnifi 
cently  unreadable  face. 

I  cleared  my  throat,  and  (I  think)  squared  my 
shoulders  somewhat  as  a  soldier  does  when  he  is  being 
commended  for  valour,  and  said: 

"  Present  my  compliments  to  the  Countess,  and  say 
that  Mr.  Smart  will  be  down  in  five  minutes." 

The  boy  stared.     "  The  —  the  what,  sir?  " 

"  The  what?  "  I  demanded. 

"  I  mean  the  who,  sir." 

"  The  Countess.  The  lady  who  sent  you  up  with  this 
note." 

"  Wasn't  no  Countess  sent  me  up  hyer,  boss.  It  was 
Miss  Tarsney." 

Somehow  staggered,  I  managed  to  wave  my  hand 
comprehensively. 

"  Never  mind.  Just  say  that  I'll  be  down  in  two 
minutes." 

He  grinned.  "  I  reckon  I'd  better  hustle,  or  you'll 
beat  me  down,  boss." 


CHAPTER    XXI 

SHE    PROPOSES 

SHE  was  still  in  her  riding  habit  when  I  found  her  alone 
in  the  parlour  of  the  Titus  suite. 

I  give  you  my  word  my  heart  almost  stopped  beating. 
I've  never  seen  any  one  so  lovely  as  she  was  at  that 
moment.  Never,  I  repeat.  Her  hair,  blown  by  the 
kind  November  winds,  strayed  —  but  no !  I  cannot  be 
gin  to  define  the  loveliness  of  her.  There  was  a  warm, 
rich  glow  in  her  cheeks  and  a  light  in  her  eyes  that 
actually  bewildered  me,  and  more  than  that  I  am  not 
competent  to  utter. 

"  You  have  come  at  last,"  she  said,  and  her  voice 
sounded  very  far  off;  although  I  was  lifting  her  un 
gloved  hand  to  my  lips.  She  clenched  my  fingers 
tightly,  I  remember  that ;  and  also  that  my  hand  shook 
violently  and  that  my  face  felt  pale. 

I  chink  I  said  that  I  had  come  at  last.  She  took  my 
other  hand  in  hers  and  drawing  dangerously  close  to 
me  said: 

"  I  do  not  expect  to  be  married  for  at  least  a  year, 
John." 

"  I  —  I  congratulate  you,"  I  stammered  foolishly. 

"  I  have  a  feeling  that  it  isn't  decent  for  one  to 
marry  inside  of  two  years  after  one  has  been  divorced." 

"  How  is  Rosemary?  "  I  murmured. 

"You  are  in  love  with  me,  aren't  you,  John,  dear?  " 

"  Goo  —  good  heaven  !  "  I  gasped. 

"  I  know  you  are.     That's  why  I  am  so  sure  of  my- 

371 


372  A  FOOL  AND  HIS  MONEY 

self.  Is  it  asking  too  much  of  you  to  marry  me  in  a 
year  from  — " 

I  haven't  the  faintest  notion  how  long  afterward  it 
was  that  I  asked  her  what  was  to  become  of  that  poor, 
unlucky  devil,  Lord  Amberdale. 

"  He  isn't  a  devil.  He's  a  dear,  and  he  is  going  to 
marry  a  bred-in-the-bone  countess  next  January.  You 
will  like  him,  because  he  is  every  bit  as  much  in  love 
with  his  real  countess  are  you  are  with  a  sham  one.  He 
is  a  bird  of  your  feather.  And  now  don't  you  want  to 
come  with  me  to  see  Rosemary?  " 

"  Rosemary,"  I  murmured,  as  in  a  dream  —  a  lux 
urious  lotos-born  dream. 

She  took  my  arm  and  advanced  with  me  into  a  room 
adjoining  the  parlour.  As  we  passed  through  the  door, 
she  suddenly  squeezed  my  arm  very  tightly  and  laid 
her  head  against  my  shoulder. 

We  were  in  a  small  sitting-room,  confronting  Jas 
per  Titus,  his  wife  and  his  tiny  grand-daughter,  who 
was  ready  for  bed. 

"  You  won't  have  to  worry  about  me  any  longer, 
daddy  dear,"  said  Aline,  her  voice  suddenly  breaking. 

"Well,  I'll  be  — well,  well,  well!"  cried  my  late 
victim  of  the  links.  "  Is  this  the  way  the  wind 
blows?" 

I  was  perfectly  dumb.  My  face  was  scarlet.  My 
dazzled  eyes  saw  nothing  but  the  fine,  aristocratic  fea 
tures  of  Aline's  mother.  She  was  leaning  slightly  for 
ward  in  her  chair,  and  a  slow  but  unmistakable  joyous 
smile  was  creeping  into  her  face. 

"  Aline !  "  she  cried,  and  Aline  went  to  her. 

Jasper  Titus  led  Rosemary  up  to  me. 

"  Kiss  the  gentleman,  kiddie,"  said  he  huskily,  lift 
ing  the  little  one  up  to  me. 


SHE  PROPOSES  373 

She  gave  a  sudden  shriek  of  recognition,  and  I  took 
her  in  my  arms. 

"  Ha !  ha !  ha !  "  laughed  I,  without  the  slightest  idea 
of  what  I  was  doing  or  why  I  did  it.  Sometimes  I  won 
der  if  there  has  ever  been  any  insanity  in  our  family. 
I  know  there  have  been  fools,  for  I  have  my  Uncle 
Rilas's  word  for  it. 

Mr.  Titus  picked  up  the  newspaper  he  had  been  read 
ing. 

"*  Listen  to  this,  Allie.  It  will  interest  you.  It 
says  here  that  our  friend  Tarnowsy  is  going  to  marry 
that  fool  of  a  Cincinnati  girl  we  were  talking  about  the 
other  day.  I  know  her  father,  but  I've  never  met  her 
mother.  Old  Bob  Thackery  has  got  millions  but  he's 
only  got  one  daughter.  What  a  blamed  shame !  " 

•  ••••••• 

It  must  be  perfectly  obvious  to  you,  kind  reader, 
that  I  am  going  to  marry  Aline  Tarnowsy,  in  spite 
of  all  my  professed  opposition  to  marrying  a  divorcee. 
I  argued  the  whole  matter  out  with  myself,  but  not 
until  after  I  was  irrevocably  committed.  She  says  she 
needs  me.  Well,  isn't  that  enough?  In  fact,  I  am 
now  trying  my  best  to  get  her  to  shorten  the  proba 
tionary  period.  She  has  taken  off  three  months,  God 
bless  her,  but  I  still  hope  for  a  further  and  more  gener 
ous  reduction  —  for  good  behaviour ! 


THE    END 


or  CAUFMIXIA 


